Christmas Spirit

Christmas has always been a busy time for me but never as busy as this year has been. This year I didn't even have time to put up a tree  and, after talking to a few other friends, apparently I wasn't the only one who didn't have time to decorate.  A couple of relatives were a little perplexed because I didn't decorate much this year and they had no reservations in voicing their opinions on the subject.  I just told them that I don't need decorations to feel the spirit of Christmas in my heart.  In fact, if the Christmas spirit is dependent on a Christmas tree I would have experienced that warm Christmas feeling at Halloween when I was at the mall walking past holiday decorations and listening to the Christmas Carols which were being piped in on the speaker system.

In some countries  Christmas is simply another excuse to celebrate. It doesn't matter if you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, the season is about faith and love, not tinsel and decorations.  When we make the  Christmas spirit contingent on putting up a Christmas tree it  minimizes what this season is all about.  In my home, the tree is for invoking memories and watching a child's eyes light up but the tree is not about Christmas. This year I am not hosting Christmas and I was short on time, therefore, I didn't feel it was necessary to invest too much time in decorating.  However,  I do miss seeing the multitude of home made ornaments that I have treasured for years hanging on the tree and  illuminated by the tree lights.

I feel the Christmas spirit when sharing time with my friends and family.  My weekend was spent making cookies with my granddaughter, time with family, shopping with a friend, and on Christmas morning my daughter spent 40 hours travelling so she could surprise me on Christmas morning. After lots of hugs and tears we watched two excited children enjoy their gifts then we spent time together preparing a brunch.  This is what Christmas is truly about. I had the best Christmas ever and no tree was necessary to achieve this.

The Transition.

My mother is now set up in an assisted living home and I will selfishly admit that, although I still have responsibilities,  I am glad my life is once again my own.   The woman I picked up and brought to my home six months ago had a completely different attitude than the woman who went into the assisted living last week.  I can only describe her initial behavior as confrontational and this,  combined with the personality traits that created the conflict between us in the first place, made things more difficult than they needed to be.

My house became a place with too much conflict but I still have moments of guilt and regret.  The media portrays images of adult children who care for elderly parents with total devotion while the parent is adoringly cooperative and this illusion sometimes makes me feel that I should have done more. Then again, it could be that I just wish things could be different between us. For some families the situation may be exactly as the media images are portrayed but this was not my experience. In conversations with several friends who are also caring for elderly parents I am told that this is not their experience either.  The parents are resentful because their independence has been taken away while the caregivers are  tired and overwhelmed.   When I brought mom into my home one friend told me "Cheryl, this is going to age you."  She was right. I feel so much older than my years right now.

In the beginning, mom insisted that I allow her to go home and give her back her car several times a day. Eventually, mom agreed to stay and let a nurse to help out but a  nurse is not cost effective and  she needed far more care than I can give her.  When mom tried to boil water then forgot to turn off the stove she almost burned my house down. This happened several times but I also worried that if something happened while I was at work it would be hours before she would receive help.  There were days when my mother is the woman I have always known but there were the other days when she would walk aimlessly through the house because she couldn't find the bathroom.  The need to relocate her was not optional.

When mom's health was an issue I did do whatever it took, but as her health improved I was not as willing to cater to her demanding spirit. In an attempt to help her understand that she needs to be more independent,  I began to give her small chores  such as putting away silverware from the dishwasher.  One evening she was angry because I came home from work a little later than normal.  After dinner she pushed her empty plate toward me as she turned her back while waving her hand for me to remove it.   I told her that she needed to clear her own place because I am not a maid.  After glaring at me for several minutes she got up and carried her plate to the sink. She then surprised me as she  began to help clear the table. This was a turning point for us and after that she would ask for things the she could help with on a regular basis.

It was also necessary to completely re-shuffle my time just to get things done.  She was lonely so she became upset if I went anywhere without her.  I work long hours and each evening she  would interrogate me about my schedule. If I had errands or shopping to do she insisted on joining me.  However, when I would pull into the parking lot she would announce that she was not getting out of the car. Then she would tell me to park in a better spot..... with more shade...... and tell me to make it quick because she is waiting outside.   I learned that it was best to sneak out early in the morning before she got up.  This was inconvenient, but it helped save my sanity. She would become upset if I cleaned house because she felt I should be "keeping her company."  I would reply by giving her a chore, such as folding towels.  To be honest, it was like having a child in my home and but I couldn't send her to her room or take away privileges.  Some of this is normal for someone who has Alzheimer's but  understanding it does not make it any easier to deal with.

I was dreading the day that we would transition her to a new home. A few weeks before the move a friend of ours, who  was living with his daughter, fell while the daughter was at work. He lay in the same place for over eight hours until his daughter came home and found him. It was this situation that helped convince my mom to  make the transition with more cooperation than I ever expected to receive.  I visit her twice a week and each time she is happy and adapting better than I ever thought possible. 

One evening mom was watching the interaction with my family and said, "I have regrets that I didn't spend more time with my family."  That simple statement helped me let go of the negative feelings toward her but it also brought on a sense of regret for all of the wasted years. When mom was staying with me I had two mothers. One mother was demanding but the other was childlike and kind.  I think that this entire experience helped me to see my mother differently.

I realized that this transition, as challenging as it has been, has been a blessing. Over the years my mother and I never just talked. We were not friends and I really don't know her very well. However, during her time with me I listened to her talk about her life and, as she shared her memories,  I was able to know more about her.   There are positive things that emerged from this.  I was forced to face my demons and, in the process,  I was able to let go of most of the angst I had held inside for many years. This also provided me with an opportunity that many people never have. I was able to become acquainted with a mother who I have never really known.

I Am A Holiday Slacker

I am a holiday slacker.  Although I am impressed with the amount of time and creativity that some people invest in making their Christmas picture perfect, these holiday over achievers make some of us feel totally inadequate.  I can't help but wonder how some people find the time for the nightly ritual of cookie baking and creating  home made ornaments as they wrap presents with wrapping paper that has been hand stenciled and it is all done inside a home adorned with so many Christmas lights it can be seen from outer space.

Yet, at my house, I struggle to find time to put up a Christmas tree and I often feel totally inadequate as I watch my neighbors spend hours hanging outdoor light displays.  Although I do try to make time to do that little extra for the home, there are times when I feel like creating that "Better Homes and Gardens" look is a never ending battle..  I thought that it would be easier once the children left home but, even as an empty nester, my house has rarely been empty.  Children move back in for a few months as they transition , family comes and goes, and friends who are transitioning are always welcomed here so I am rarely alone.  What this translates into is that the "Better Homes and Gardens" look is always a work in progress and it is never quite complete. 

As Christmas approaches I am busy with the normal Christmas hustle plus this year I am  struggling with elderly parent issues. Combine this with a stream of visits from out of town guests, (not to mention my regular obligations) and I am lucky to find time to sleep.... let alone decorate.  The dining chairs I began to recover a few months ago are still work in progress but I did complete one chair.  Only seven more to go.  I purchased a new bar-b-que and it took two weeks before I found time to put it together.  However, thanks to a good friend, we were able to combine a football party with a bar-b-que party and  through a combined effort we were able to put it together then used it to make dinner.

The bottom line is that I have more to do than I have time to accomplish the tasks.  Cookies need to be baked, my Christmas decorations are not up, I still have shopping to complete, I need to find time to  have my carpets cleaned, tend to my mother's appointments, get clothes for upcoming events, and I need to manage this while working  long hours. It is  only a couple of weeks until Christmas, yet I can't seem to find time to prepare and my holiday spirit had not made an appearance.  I kept praying for guidance while fully expecting God to divinely help me discover a schedule where I could accomplish everything in a timely fashion but, once again, God has his own agenda.

One of the things I do all year is volunteer to help others. I feel that it is important to help give back so I make this a priority.This week I was part of a group from my office who served breakfast to the homeless. As  we walked through the dining room and talked to people there I heard stories that broke my heart. One woman was in her 70's and alone.  She asked for an extra bread so I found a way to give her some and the gratitude that she exuded from such a simple gesture brought tears to my eyes.   Suddenly, my decorations didn't seem all that important and my worries about finding time to bake cookies disappeared.

My friends and I were part of a group who sing Christmas Carols in the children's ward of a hospital.  This week, as we walked through the halls a tearful young mother asked us to sing to her child who is in a coma because her baby loves music.   We couldn't go into the room so the nurses took us to an atrium that is open to the floors above. This atrium had wonderful acoustics, a lovely Christmas tree,  and a grand piano off to the side.   One of the young men  with us began to play the piano as we sang.  We could see the young mother waving to us from above as several young people in wheelchairs were brought out to listen. I could see one young lady close her eyes and silently sing along.

My friend hosted a Christmas get together  and her home was beautiful, the decorations were perfect, and the food was amazing.  As we sat at the table talking, she told us a stories of  previous Christmas holidays shared with her late husband. It was at this moment that I began to hear the answer to my prayer and realized how misguided my expectations have been.

While my focus was on the decorations, the baking, and the superficial part of the holiday season I lost sight of what is truly important.   In that moment, God showed me that my friend would gladly put up with a little more clutter and a little less time for holiday decorations if she could spend one more Christmas with her husband.  The young mother at the hospital would be happy with a home that is not picture perfect if only she could have her baby healthy and  home for Christmas. I felt a sense of shame as I realized that all I need to worry about is decorating my home yet I should be grateful to have shelter while so many have so little that even an extra piece of bread from a stranger brings great joy.

The desire to compete with the holiday over achievers has disappeared and when I adjusted my expectations for the season I began to feel a sense of freedom followed by surge of  Christmas spirit.  I will put up decorations but I am no longer worried if I have enough lights on my house to compete with my neighbor.  My focus is now exactly where it should have been all along.... making memories with the special people in my life. 

Water

I am not a person who has the patience to sit idle and wait for life to come to me.  Some people can sit on the shoreline and dream about the ships on the horizon but I would rather grab a kayak and go out to greet them.  Patience eludes me at times and, over the last few months,  my patience has been sorely tested. 

 

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, and it takes more strength and faith to be kind." Ghandi

This began when I received the call that my mother could not live alone any longer and she came to live with me.  She didn't want to come to my house but she had two choices and my house was the lesser of the two evils. We have never had  a strong relationship, we are different people, I like clean and she isn't as concerned about it, she can be demanding, and I have always had an active lifestyle but I found myself forced to give up many of the activities that I enjoy so I could take care of her.  Then a few other catastrophes surfaced and I had no time to attend to them properly.  My stress level was at an all time high and my patience was fading.  The ships were still on the horizon of life but I had no other choice than to sit on the shore and simply watch the ships pass by as my kayak sat on the beach gathering dust. 

And remember that compassion is not only reserved for others, but also it's important to practice compassion toward ourselves. Even though each drop of water in the ocean is small, each drop is an important part of the whole. Appreciate your unique contribution to the world!  Anna Levesque

As difficult as this process has been, the entire situation has provided some invaluable life lessons to me.  I can be both stubborn and single minded at times so I would pray every day for patience, strength, and to help me be receptive to whatever it is that I am supposed to take away from this even if God had to slap me in the face with his message to ensure I hear it.

Nothing is softer or more flexible than water, yet nothing can resist it"
- Lao Tzu

As I stood staring longingly at my kayaks one afternoon I realized that people who struggle in kayaking are the people who try to fight the water.  Kayaking is not about strength. Success in kayaking is about the technique of moving with the water instead of  fighting against the current.  I realized that life is similar and  I have been fighting the current when I should have placed my paddle in the water to see where the current takes me.

Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless like the water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Water can flow or it can crash. Be water my friend."
- Bruce Lee

 

I have certain boundaries  that I will not compromise on, but I worked to adopt a different attitude.   As a result, I understand my mother better and found that a softer approach helped me gain a better understanding of everyone else.  The results have been nothing short of miraculous.  There are still challenges that I must deal with daily, however, I have learned to work around them and I am even beginning to find ways to carve out small pieces of time for myself every once in a while.

I read an article written by Anna Levesque, a kayak champion, and she says it better than I ever could.

Water accepts what is and continues on its path. When we accept what is happening at this moment in our lives we are better able to go with the flow without creating suffering for ourselves and others. This doesn't mean that you just let life happen to you and become apathetic. On the contrary, when we accept what is we are better able to take right action. The water flowing down a river doesn't resist when it hits the rock. It doesn't complain, feel victimized or react in fear. The water simply changes shape and direction to flow around the obstacle.

Frustration and unhappiness with our progress in any aspect of our lives is a sign for us to take a step back and remember that gentleness, effortlessness and patience can generate amazing results. We don't have to push and do all the time. What I've come to realize is that sometimes it's not about making it happen as much as it's about doing the work mindfully and then allowing it to all come together - effortlessly.

Anna Levesque

 

Everything happens for a reason. "Be water my friend."

Frankly Scarlet.....

Fear is an acronym for False Evidence Appears Real

Victoria Osteen

There are days when I feel like I am walking on a tightrope ….over a deep river that has a swift current….and is filled with alligators…while making no progress. My fear paralyzes me even though there is no tightrope, no alligators, and no river. The evidence is false yet the fear is real and the only way to escape is  to change my approach.


Due to recent events, I have been attempting to do it all and failing miserably. I am trying to please everyone and still manage my own life, my own responsibilities, the responsibilities of others, while fielding criticism and unsolicited suggestions, all while handling the demands of an aging parent.  It has been a challenge. The chance of successfully accommodating everything and everyone has been like trying to juggle balls made of fragile glass that can’t be held too tight and will break on impact.


My breaking point came last weekend when too many things went wrong and people landed on my doorstep with expectations that had never been discussed. The following Monday, after a demanding weekend with little sleep and no time for myself, I went to the office exhausted and bleary eyed. After spending almost an hour making photocopies of documents that had to be overnighted that day, I mistakenly dumped the copies in a secured shred bin. As I stared in dismay at the tiny opening of the locked bin, I accepted the fact that my stress level is at a breaking point and  I am juggling more than I can handle. Something needs to change. Fortunately, the error was minor and the documents could be copied again. However, I just lost hour on a day when I didn’t have five minutes to spare. I began to think “What if I just let the glass balls drop? What is the worst that could happen?”


After I returned home I went straight to my room, locked my door, and sat in silence with my dogs at my feet as I read my book uninterrupted for several hours. Everyone survived without me and I offered no explanation for my action.


In most cases,  I could care less about what other people think me but I do have a sense of responsibility which makes me aware that my actions will impact others. I want to do what is right but I can't please everyone.  I worry that someone will end up with hurt feelings or that I will do something to make things worse. The result is constant worry about the outcome when, in reality, I  only have limited control over the outcome of any situation anyway.  We humans intuitively seek to influence the outcome in a situation and often migrate towards what is predictable. However, striving for predictability in an unpredictable world rarely works. Change is both inevitable and constant plus it comes with no guarantees. Predictability is an educated guess at best and thinking I can control the outcome is only an illusion.  I can prepare the perfect house, the perfect family, the perfect career, or the perfect relationship only to have it wiped out by flood, hurricane, fire, insect infestation, war, death, disease, or any other number of uncontrollable events.

 Years ago, as a working mother, I struggled to maintain a career, be a wife, and a devoted parent while keeping a spotless home. One evening my daughter asked me why I no longer smiled. Her comment made me realize that I was so intent on trying to be all things to all people that I was losing my own sense of self. So, I re-evaluated my approach and stopped criticizing myself when I had to purchase the cookies for school parties instead of creating the perfect cookie baking experience. The party was just as enjoyable with sugar cookies from the local bakery as they would have been if I had stayed up all night baking. The added benefit was that I still enjoyed the party and, with less stress, I was a more pleasant person to be around. Shredding those copies  actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise.  It reminded me that my life is, once again, out of balance so I need to change the way I am responding to the challenges in my life.  Once I accepted that I can’t be all things to all people, I started to make changes to my approach and began to feel a sense of balance.


Instead of feeling trapped by the contradictory demands, and unrealistic expectations of others, I am now making it a point to remind myself to focus on the balance within my own world.  I must remember to value my authentic self so I can enjoy this adventure called life. Offering my own life as a sacrifice, so I can try to keep those glass balls in the air, is not the solution. Eventually the balls will drop anyway. Living life through my heart, and not allowing the expectations of others to dominate, has transformed my daily living experience from a dull routine into a joyful dance.  I am finding my inner joy again. The only response I have to offer those who dislike the fact that I have readjusted my priorities is a quote from Rhett Butler in‘Gone With The Wind’  when he said, “Frankly Scarlet, I don’t give a damn.”

Finding Delight in Ordinary Moments

In the year 2000 I saw a movie with Meg Ryan, Diane Keaton, and Lisa Kutrow called Hanging Up.  The movie was promoted as a comedy, but I found it to be dark and depressing.  As I watched a story unfold about three sisters who had grown distant, but suddenly find themselves forced to cooperate, as they take on responsibility for their ailing father who is in need of a lifestyle change. However, his resistance to the change, and the sisters attempts to share care giving time, creates another layer of conflict. At the time, I  simply could not relate.  Today I can.

Taking responsibility for an aging parent is tiring and I feel older than I ever have.  It is like having an adult child in my home some of the time and the other times I have an obstinate old woman who is angry with me because her independence has been taken away. Irregardless of what personality emerges from my mother  life is  challenging.

I have two sisters. One is unable to take care of her and the other openly states that she doesn't want the inconvenience.  Over the years, mom has effectively alienated everyone else so I am the only one who will take her.  It isn't as though I don't have a choice. I do have a choice.  My choice is to do what I feel is the right thing to do and families should take care of each other.  This is what differentiates a family member from a relative.

Taking on this responsibility has forced me to sacrifice a large part of my social life and activities that I love.  The light at the end of the tunnel is that I realize that it isn't going to be forever.  This too shall pass.  So, to keep my sanity, each day I try to find moments that delight me.  A quiet bus ride to work with a great read, lunch and conversation with a good friend, yoga and meditation, time with my granddaughter, walking my dogs, or making time to sit outside and watch the stars are a few of my delightful moments. 

When life is difficult,  friendships are tested.  It took less than a week to discover the loyalty of a few friends and reaffirm the loyalty of a few others.  I can only say that I am  blessed with wonderful friends, and this delights me.

The relationship with my mother is a different situation. Since our relationship has always been  strained, how she responds to me depends on which side of my mother emerges at that particular moment.   When she is fully cognizant I get a person who is stubborn,  obstinate, and not very nice.  The other mother is a sweet woman.  If there is a bright side to this situation I would say that it gives me the chance to see the sweeter side of her. 

However, my mother's stubborn streak amuses me.  She has memory lapses but refuses to acknowledge that she forgets and she  is in denial about her significant hearing loss. It took me two months before I was finally able to convince her that she needs a hearing aid.  She kept insisting  that hearing aids are for old people. I finallyconvinced her that 86 is old enough to qualify. What closed the deal was telling her that she is giving people an opportunity to talk about her without her knowing.    I  can hardly wait until she has that little device in her ear. My throat hurts from yelling  into her ear so she can hear me.  She keeps the television  at full volume when she is watching it and then she  doesn't understand why no one will watch TV with her. Mom can clear a room just by grabbing the television remote.

 Even at full volume, she struggles to hear the television but she will not admit it.  A few days ago I came home and asked her what she was watching. "Oh, it is really good mystery." She says.  I told her "OK, what is it about?"   She replies,"I lost track when you came in"  I turned away so she couldn't see me laughing .  The program was a news program and it was in Spanish. Today I came home and asked what she was watching.  She tells me it is a police program.  I smiled as I walked away because she was watching Friday the 13th.  However, I can vacuum when my mother is sleeping and she doesn't hear a thing.  This does have it's advantages.

Going to the store is an afternoon event.  I won't take the risk of putting her in a motorized cart so it takse 20 minutes to walk from the car to the front of the store.  She needs a walker but I realize that progress comes one battle at a time. 

I know that she needs more care than I can give her but she refuses to admit that she needs a lifestyle change. As I research care giving situations, I am looking for a situation that will help her preserve as much of her independence and dignity as possible, for as long as possible.  There is hope because even if she doesn't like me, I learned that she respects me enough to trust me.  On the other hand, she  also sees me as the obstacle between her ability to drive or live in her home alone. She loves my dogs and  my cooking,  but not my clothes or my coffee.   I learned this because she told me, when she forgot who I was, and thought that she was talking to one of my sisters. That was another one of those delightful moments.    

So I am making sacrifices, as much for myself as for her, but I only hope that somewhere inside she will find some good memories of this time with me.  Our relationship is still difficult, but maybe in time we can move beyond the tension that we have always had in the past to at least accept each other.  If nothing changes then at least I can  look myself in the mirror with no regrets and say that I genuinely tried. One of the good things that has emerged from this is that I have once again learned to appreciate the small joys that I had previously taken for granted.  This realization, in and of itself, is another delightful  moment.

A Series of Moments

 Waylon Jennings lyric: "I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane."

 

Penny Marshall recently did an interview  to discuss her new book where she talks about a difficult mother, poor choices, and her philosophy about everything which is summed up as “If it isn’t fun why do it?” She said that the Waylon Jennings quote helps her to keep her perspective so she keeps it in a frame on her bathroom wall.

 

Reading that interview was my “Ah Ha” moment. Recently I have been struggling to find balance due to circumstances that I have limited control over.  Every day, for a couple of months now, I have poured myself a large glass of ‘whine’ .  Self-pity is not my style and I feel like I have betrayed my own life philosophy which says that change is inevitable but how it changes is up to me.  Within seconds of having my “Ah Ha” moment everything took on a much brighter outlook.

 

My sister took my 86 year old mother for a weekend visit so I had the weekend to myself for the first time in months.  That “Ah Ha” moment caused me to make a commitment to just enjoy the moments, one moment at a time.  Caring for someone with Alzheimer Disease or Dementia is draining but it is also just a series of moments.  No two moments are the same. Some moments are heartbreaking, others are frustrating, and then we have moments that make me laugh so hard that I can’t breathe.  I vowed to focus on the ones that make me laugh.

 

When  my sister brought her home, we took mom to Wal-Mart and my sister requested a motorized cart that she could ride in. After a few false starts, mom gripped the handlebars, hunched over with a look of determination on her face, and took off down the aisle almost knocking over a stack of Halloween decorations.  My sister and I looked at each other in surprise and then I took off at a quick pace in an attempt to try and slow her down.

 Mom can’t hear but refuses to wear a hearing aid (because hearing aids are for old people) so I can’t get her attention unless she actually sees me. The challenge here is that she couldn’t see me because I was running behind her.   As we approach the other end of the store, she turned the cart into an aisle so quickly that I was surprised she didn’t leave skid marks on the tile.  My pace has now increased to a quick trot and, as I hurry down the aisle behind her, I am offering apologies to the people who backed against the store shelves to avoid being run over.  Finally, at the end of the aisle I caught up with her, but only because she paused while trying to decide which way to turn.  I suggested that she slow down but she merely reminds me that her dad used to drive race cars for a hobby… he taught her…. she is a great driver … this thing turns on a dime and stops on the fly…and she hasn’t hit anyone yet…etc.  I reminded her that this is not a car, or a motorcycle, pedestrians are everywhere, and this isn’t the expressway so it would be best if she went slowly. Her face took on a look of pure stubbornness as she pressed her little lips together so tight that for a moment I thought the point of her chin was going to touch the tip of her nose. 

I realize that this is part of her fight to retain her independence but I felt my positive outlook slip away until my sister finally caught up to us.  She took one look at mom’s face and told her that her cart knocked over some merchandise at the end of the aisle. She reminded her that if she breaks anything she may need to pay for it. Mom may have memory issues but she consistently knows exactly how much money is in her purse.  Money is a great motivator where mom is concerned so she agreed to slow down.

  

Some people were trying to exit the aisle and, as I smile apologetically to them, the man tells me not to worry about it. The man said to my mom “You maneuver that very well ma-am.” 

I smiled at him as Mom asked me “What did he say?” 

I didn’t want to lie but I don’t want to encourage the little speed demon either so I lean in and tell her “He said the cart stops on a dime.” 

She only nods and pushes the lever to accelerate.  Within a few seconds we found ourselves chasing after her again.

 

After the Wal-Mart adventure, we went to a nearby restaurant for dessert.  As we sat down at our table I look up to see the family who mom nearly collided with in Wal-Mart.  We said hello and I apologized again. He laughed and said “It is OK.  My wife and I were betting how long it would take her to ‘pop a wheelie’ in that thing.”

 

We had an enjoyable conversation but mom was struggling to hear.   At one point mom couldn’t hear me when I asked her what type of dessert she wanted so I repeated it louder and louder until the waitress came over with a look that clearly said ‘Stop yelling at that poor old woman.’   The waitress then asked her sweetly if she would like more ice tea, then repeated it louder, and louder.  Finally my mom replied loudly ‘No, I don’t need the bathroom!”  I gave the waitress my best “I told you so” look and suggested that she just pour the tea. 

 

Our new friends, and a few others, were trying to hold back laughter so I turned and said  "Do you see that blue car over there?”  As they nod  I said “That is my car. If you go to Wal-Mart and see that car ...enter with caution.  If you go in, you take the risk that Grandma is in the store cruising the aisles.  You still have options though.  Target is right across the street.” 

Watching us laugh my mother asked me "What did you say Cheryl?"

I reply " I was wondering if Target has one of the scooter carts like Wal-Mart has.  Let's try it next time and see which one is faster."

Mom laughed and then she says  “You know, Cheryl,  I may need to get a hearing aid .  I think that my hearing is going  bad!”  

  A series of moments that turn into memories is what life is all about.

 

Forgiveness Is A Process

My mother has been with me for a little over two months now and I have accepted the fact that   my life will be significantly impacted for a while to come.   I work on helping mom heal her physical self and give her a nutrient rich diet, incorporate mentally stimulating activities, and some type of daily exercise. As a result I have noticed that some of the confusion has  cleared although her level of clarity still varies throughout the day. There is no doubt that my mother will never again be the independent woman that she once was.    Her response to me varies between  childlike confusion and the difficult woman I have always known. 

“It takes two people to make a lie work: the person who tells it, and the one who believes it.”
― Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts

At times she starts demanding that I take her home but she is coming to accept that returning home is not an option.  However, she  made it abundantly clear that her only reason for staying with me is because "it is cheaper."  Mom has always been narcissistic and this has not changed.  Each evening I come home to a woman who angry that I went to work while she was left at home with not enough to keep her entertained. When I leave the house for my own doctor or hair appointments I always invite her to come out with me.  She refuses to go yet when I come home she is angry that the two hours I was gone was too long. If I clean  house, sit down to pay bills, or call my daughter she is upset that I am not keeping her company. I never hear the words "Thank You" or "Please." The complaints are endless and one day I asked why she just didn't stop complaining and just be thankful that she has family to  help her... maybe even say thank you every now and again.  She said "I don't have to say that to you." Then she turned and walked indignantly out of the room.  When she makes demeaning comments she will never apologize. She tells me that I misunderstood.  Recently she told me I am single because I am homely.  When I told her that her words were unkind and undeserved   she replied, "You misunderstood.  I never said  you were ugly, I just said you are not pretty."  This is the woman I grew up with and the only difference is that my father isn't here to pull me aside and tell me how wonderful I am.

When you're different, sometimes you don't see the millions of people who accept you for what you are. All you notice is the person who doesn't.”
― Jodi Picoult, Change of Heart

I am not certain if her antagonistic approach is pronounced because of the Alzheimers, or if I had forgotten how truly difficult she can be, but she is actually a very social  person and gets on well with other people.  I am of the opinion that she would thrive in a senior community where she could join activities, go on  outings, develop her own social circle, and make time to go on an outing or for  a family dinner  once or twice a week with me.  This would allow her to feel independent and we could focus on a relationship of choice rather than have our relationship be one of obligation and dependence.    However, when I tried to convince her to take a tour of  a senior   condominium community she took one look at the front entry,  said some unkind things about old people, and then took off walking faster than I knew she had the ability to walk.  My sister, who was with me, stood in stunned disbelief as I tried to stop her.  I caught up with her, about three blocks down, and then  it took us an entire hour to convince her to get back in the car.

A change is needed. Not only because it is better for my mother but a change is in my own best interest as well.   Although my mother can care for her own basic needs, she can be a very difficult person to live with. Over the last few months my stress level is up, I barely have time to tend to my obligations, and I have no time to pursue any of the activities that brings me pleasure.  My dogs  have not had a decent walk in over a month, I have no opportunity to exercise, do volunteer work, read a book, or spend time with friends.

One person, who has known me for years, asked me why I would take on the responsibility of caring for my mother.  She said "You are doing more for her now than she would do for you."  The statement has truth in it but, if I am to be completely honest,  I am not  doing this only for her.  I am also doing this for me.

A good friend of mine, who has been through something similar, told me that I need to take time for myself and not feel guilty about it.  I also need to set boundaries with others.  He told me that if I don't respect my own life no one else will.  He is right but sometimes change is a process

A different person told me that 'this is an opportunity to create better memories so just be patient. Learn to accept, and forgive.'  Well, she is right and she is wrong. This is an opportunity to create better memories but it  takes more than just me to accomplish that.  Although I am willing to forgive, I will not accept.  Acceptance is like telling oneself that change for the better is not possible so there is no point in trying to get to a better place.  I will not accept this situation as it is now and I  intend to work toward a change that is better for all of us.  Forgiveness is being wise enough to know that we are all imperfect people, while giving us room to be human, but at the same time we are saying saying "I understand we are all human but repeating what you did is not acceptable. " So I will forgive, and later I may need to forgive again because,  like change, sometimes forgiveness is a process too.

For me, there really is a big difference between forgiveness and acceptance. If you forgive someone, you aren't necessarily saying that what the person did was right. What you're saying is, "I'm not giving you the power to make me a victim. I'm not going to let you invade my mind and make me hate you." Forgiveness is not for the other person. It's for yourself. That's the way I see it. Whereas acceptance is really more of a caving in, as far as I'm concerned. It's saying, "What you did, I'm okay with."

Jodi Piccoult



 

Laughter In The Face of Family Drama

“He who laughs……………...lasts”

Erma Bombeck, Forever, Erma

My parents had four children, of which,  I am the youngest.  The age gap between myself and my siblings spans more than a decade so I naively assumed that the older siblings would be the ones to take on primary responsibility for our aging parents. I should have known better because I was always the one who received the calls for help.   Now I find myself caring for my mother, who I have always had a difficult relationship with and who believes she is much younger than her 86 years,  while the rest of my clan plants themselves on my doorstep.  

My sisters and I were  raised by the same two parents, yet we each evolved into completely different people. This  becomes very apparent each time we communicate.  What keeps me sane through all of this is humor.  Erma Bombeck’s book titled “Family: The Ties that Bind…and Gag” has been a favorite read for years and her book reminds me that every situation has a humorous side.  At this point in my life it is easy to relate to what she wrote and I will be forever grateful for her words.  She was a wise woman and her writing helped me see the humor in my own family dynamics.  All I need to do is  observe the participants. 

Mom was diagnosed in the early stages of Alzheimer Disease and is no longer able to live on her own.  My brother passed away so there are only my two sisters and myself to take care of her. Every family member has their positive and negative traits. While I am no exception to this rule, the additional challenge is that I have been estranged from my mother... by her choice... for many years, and  my sisters can be as challenging as my mother’s situation.   I wonder if the angst amongst us is because each of us is so different from the other.  If one were to look closely they would see that there are commonalities but the differences outnumber them. 


One of my sisters is well educated and, in her youth, was very beautiful with a wonderful career.  I spent most of my life listening to my  mom comparing us to her.  However, today she struggles with addiction, is unemployed, and relies on government assistance to survive.  She  blames everyone except her own choices for where her life is today.  However, mom is still comparing us to woman she used to be.  Some things just never change. 

My other sister has a flamboyant personality and aligns heself with the ditzy blonde crowd.  She got married right out of high school,  for many years lived a conservative life as an ultra feminine housewife, went to church every Sunday, and let her husband to do her thinking for her.  I spent my youth listening to her lecture me on living a lifestyle that was “too worldly.”   Today she is no longer conservative, and rarely goes to church, but  she is still flamboyant and a ditzy blond.  Although, at the moment  she is a ditzy redhead.   She has a job but her funds are for her own enjoyment and she has never in her life had to pay a bill to survive.This sister proclaims that she is independent but starts every sentence with “My husband says….” To be honest, I have had little contact with her outside of a Christmas card for years.

I realized that humor would help me when this sister told me about going to the casino and spending $20 to play the slots.  As she entered her very last quarter she won $15.  She said “I was so excited that I came out ahead by winning the extra $15 that I took myself out to dinner.”  I asked “How did you come out ahead?”  She said excitedly, “Because I won $15!!”  I smiled and asked her “So, you went in with $20?”  She nods so I ask “You won $15?”  She nods again and says “You see, I won $15!”  Then I ask, “So, if you walk in with $20 and walk out with $5 less....…exactly how is it that you came out ahead?” 

The look of astonished realization on her face kept me laughing for days. 

  

As for myself, I have always been called the ‘fluff and granola’ sister because I enjoy hiking boots as much as much as I enjoy high heels. I love being  active and getting close to nature but I have sisters who think that they are roughing it if a hotel room has no room service.   

My mother is a stubborn 86 year old who is in old age denial.  She adamantly refuses to use her cane or a hearing aid because she insists that these items are only for old people.  As a result,  it takes us twenty minutes to help her shuffle from the car to the door of my house and the television volume is keep at a level that is so far above loud it can only be described as OMG.    

At the guardianship hearing, I appeared with my mother and my oldest sister.  I wore business attire and my mother sat next to me clinging to my hand wearing a dress I had purchased for her.  The sister with addiction issues didn't put in an appearance but the other sister appeared at the hearing with her spikey red hair, lots of cosmetic to emphasize the shocked expression resulting from her latest cosmetic procedure, extra jewelry, a bright turquoise and gold colored tunic covered in sequins which was complimented by white sequined leggings that had fake diamonds up the sides, a leather strap with fake diamonds around her ankle, and she finished her ensemble with sparkling silver sandals complimented by a matching handbag covered in bling.  It was actually a flattering ensemble but it made her stand out in a courtroom full of business suits.  As I sat down I was grateful that my sister was there .... bling and all.  Somehow, during this time of stress, it was reassuring to see my oldest sister standing strong and just being true to who she is.  I felt a sense of pride as I listened to her reply to the judge intelligently and with confidence. It was at this moment when I realized that, although neither of us had the perfect mother, we are both striving to be the best daughters that my mother will allow us to be.

Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.

ERMA BOMBECK, Family: The Ties that Bind ... And Gag

If Erma Bombeck were here today I would write her a letter and express my gratitude.  Her words help me keep my perspective and my sanity.  What is more important is that she helped me to find the laughter in the in the face of family drama.

Believe

Due to recent concerns over elderly parent issues I find it necessary to make the trip home several times a month.  When I go back to my hometown, I look at my old neighborhood which was once a place of tree lined streets and middle class homes.  The area is now just a neighborhood of old houses, some of which are remodeled into their former beauty, but my mother’s home is not one of these. She is an old woman who insisted on staying in a home she could no longer maintain which meant that the house deteriorated faster than she could complete the repairs.  For me, the current view is both nostalgic and disheartening.  Miranda Lambert’s song “The House That Built Me” has a line in it that says “they say you can’t go home again.”   I can go home, and the memories are still there, but home is not the same. Time waits for no one, houses deteriorate, people age, and most people change as they mature.

 

However, some things still have not changed.  This crisis with my mother made it necessary to reconnect with one particular person who has the ability to deliver an insult with such a sweet voice it almost dilutes the fact that she is actually being mean. It is as though this person has perfected the art of communicating cruel comments so skillfully that it takes a moment before most people pick up on the fact that there is poison in her words. There was no difference this time and I quickly realized that she had not changed.  She was still hurling honey covered insults.  The difference is that her words now lack the power to hurt  like they once did. I found myself seeing her through new eyes and wondered why she ever had the ability to make an impact on me in the first place.  Perhaps I see things differently because life has taught me that those who belittle others do so because they feel small or worthless themselves.

Some of the most merciless behavior ever perpetrated looks very nice. The sweeter a lie sounds, the meaner it really is.  Meanness emerges when we believe that we have no power, that we’re passive receptors of life’s vagaries. Inner peace follows when we begin responding to cruelty—our own and other people’s—with the authority we’ve possessed all along. " Martha Beck"

 

Looking at this person I now realize that if I met this person outside of the family circle, she is not someone I would ever choose as a friend.  She is certainly not someone I admire.  For a brief moment I wondered; did she change or did I? 

 

“No one can make you a victim without your consent.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

 

I have matured into the person I am because of the people, good and bad, who have touched my life over the years.  As an older and wiser version of myself I now know that I am the one who is ultimately responsible for the person I have become and, since I like the person I am, I refuse to define my value through the comments of others. As a result, I found that it was the change in my own attitude which rendered this person powerless to hurt me.  I also know that because of my mother’s failing health, and the family dynamics, I will be need to see her from time to time. However, she is now a mere detail that I am forced to deal with because the old feeling of intimidation is no longer there.  I refuse to engage in a war of words that will only encourage and empower her.  Some people live in a state of conflict and do not understand any other way.  My response is to just shrug my shoulders and say "Well, you and I are different people." Then I walk away.  Although this person remains unchanged, I now know that I have changed.  

 

                    

I believe that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

 I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are but we are responsible for who we become.

"I Believe" Author unknown.

 

I believe that every experience has its purpose. Bad things happen and we are all faced with someone who attempts to destroy the confidence we have in ourselves at some point in our lives.  There are situations that we cannot always control. However,we do have choices which will either give or relinquish the power we have over ourselves.  Our power comes from the choices we make.  We can choose how we respond and we can choose how we move forward.

 

 

 

The Just In Time Theory

Someone asked me once if I am afraid of dying. My answer is no. Death is not what scares me. I am afraid of pain, I am more afraid that I will die and the special people in my life won’t know how much I care about them, but my greatest fear is that time will pass until suddenly I realize that, not only did I not attain my dreams,  the opportunity had passed because I waited too long.

This is on my mind at the moment because my mother is living my greatest fear. Through the years she had a variety of excuses for not making time to truly live and her relationships with special people are now nonexistent. There was always tomorrow to make time for living because she had other things to do.  The people in her life were treated like an old newspaper that needed to be tossed when they outlived their usefulness. What saddens me is the fear and regret that are evident in her eyes when I hear her talk. Mom is in poor health and exhibiting signs of dementia. During one of her lucid moments she understood that we are giving her a desperately needed lifestyle change. She became upset as she said “No!  I had it all planned. Now I am finally ready to work on my house and do the traveling I have always wanted to do.”  I didn't reply because words wouldn't come.  How do you tell someone that they waited too long and the opportunity is gone?


On the radio I heard someone asking for advice from a radio talk show host. He said that he always worried about the future. His focus was on saving every penny and making certain he had supplies to last him at least one year. He felt that disaster could happen at any time so he waited and prepared. When his wife left him, he began rethinking his life style. His question  to the talk show host was to ask if he should payoff the house. He had the funds in savings to pay off his house and car but was afraid he would need the funds if the economy plunged further down than it already had. The talk show host told him that he is living his life through fear which is not truly living. This host went on to say that he needs to turn off the talk radio and begin living his life through faith because even if we spend every minute and every penny preparing there are still no guarantees.



This line of thinking follows the  philosopher Pascal who subscribed to the “Just in Case Theory.” Pascal said that “all things are obscure so we must prepare for what we cannot see.” Yet, most successful businesses operate by the “Just in Time Theory” which states that we should focus on ‘now’ while remaining open to change.  Stockpiling inventory for future reserves actually drives up costs and reduces revenues. The 'Just in Time Theory' is like living on faith. Yet, it is so easy to get caught up in our daily living that we postpone and began to live according to the "Just in Case Theory."   Then one day we look up and realize that the kids are grown, our health is failing, and life went on but it passed us by.


Taking steps to change the lifestyle of an uncooperative parent when there are no other options is one of the more difficult things I have had to do. The fact that this parent hasn’t wanted anything to do with me in fifteen years creates its own set of unique challenges. I think that the only positive in this situation is that she struggles to remember who I am and, when she does, she doesn’t remember that she doesn’t like me. However, she always remembers the goals that she never accomplished.  This is a reminder that time marches on irregardless so I need to stop making excuses and start making plans. The time to truly live  life is now.

Absolute Thinking

There are a few things in my  life that I will be eternally grateful for.  What tops this list are my family.  However, not all of my family shares my DNA.  Most of the people who I count as family come from friendships that have evolved into something closer. 

Society's definition of family is an absolute definition of shared bloodlines while  the definition of friendship is more of a mercurial relationship that can dissipate at any second. Yet, I have relatives that I would never consider family. On the flip side, I have several friends that are more like my family than some of my relatives have ever been. I think this is the danger in absolute thinking.  Assumptions are often wrong and, since life doesn't come with a set of directions, sometimes the answer is not as simple as yes or no.

 Recently, I went through  several stressful weeks with a family issue.  During that time, my friends were there to offer support and help in whatever way they could. Once life began to settle into a normal pattern I  met my friends for dinner at our favorite haunt.  This time, the conversation took a more sombre turn as we shared  how much we value our friendship.  One of ladies shared that, years ago when she first met me, she didn't like me very much. She said that she thought I was unapproachable.  As she grew to know me better, she realized I am nothing like her first impression. and she loves me like a sister.

My friend "G" and I were discussing this conversation later.  What neither of us shared with that particular friend is that we didn't like her much at first either because her attempts to get acquainted were too intrusive. The truth is that "G" and I are both very reserved until we know someone better.  "G" and I have similar backgrounds and have felt the sting of betrayal so, although we are both freindly to everyone,  neither of us  will  open up on a more personal level to just anyone. Our other friend is the social butterfly who wants to know all about everyone at first meeting and does not hesitate to ask personal questions.  She can be downright nosey and doesn't understand that not everyone wants to share everything about themselves with her right away.  Her motive is pure but someone, who is reserved like myself, can find her approach to be offensive.  Our friendships didn't just happen. The relationships evolved through shared experiences that allowed us to gain a better understanding of each other.

"A friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg and overlooks the fact that you are half cracked."

Author Unknown

 I heard someone say once that friends are like onions.  We need to peel back the layers to discover the true essence of who a persons truly is.  Sometimes that first impression is right and is also wrong. An example is my friend's first impression of me.  She was correct.  I was unapproachable to someone who was trying to know too much too soon.  As she grew to know me better she discovered that I am reserved but once I open up she witnessed a person she could relate to. With time a friendship developed.

I think that this is where the danger lies in absolute thinking.  We form an opinion based on an assumption. When that assumption doesn't hold up it forces out us out of our comfort zone and we must re-evaluate what we initially deemed to be absolute. By the end of our conversation "G" and I had decided that sometimes the answer isn't yes or no because it can actually be both.

The Dead Sea

When my father was alive I enjoyed making the trip back home.  The drive into the mountains has some spectacular scenery that evoke wonderful memories.  However, since his passing the trip home has been more of a duty to do a wellness check on a mother who doesn't want anything to do with me unless she needs help. 

Almost two weeks ago I received the call that my mother needed help.  After taking time off work, and a couple of thousand dollars spent on her medical expenses, she was self sufficient enough to go home.  This is going to sound cold hearted  but I personally think that her home needs to be condemned and she needs to be in assisted living.  However, the state assesses her as having the ability to maintain her daily existence so I was required to respect her wishes and take her home.  I did this with mixed feelings because, although I don't have warm fuzzy feelings towards my mother, I still see an 86 year old woman who isn't as strong as she used to be and is living in deplorable conditions.

The time that my mother stayed with me was stressful.  Her entire focus was on herself.  She met my son, her grandson, who she had not made time to see in fifteen years and met her great granddaughter for the first time.  Since my daughter is overseas she could only see pictures. My sister came to town after mom was released from the hospital and stayed two days.  Since the tension between the two run very high I am both surprised and grateful that my sister stayed as long as she did.

When looking into some supplemental insurance for her medical I discovered, quite by accident, that mom has funds which places her in a comfortable financial position.  These funds, plus the two properties that she owns, prevents her from qualifying for any type of assistance outside of medicare and her social security checks.  We brought up the subject of the money I had to pull from my savings to pay her hospital expenses and asked if she had funds to reimburse me.  She could answer, right down to the penny, how much she had in her checking account and how much social security she receives but when my sister approached her about reimbursing me the funds for her own medical bill she suddenly accused her of trying to take her money.  When I approached her, she didn't accuse me but became vague and said she would see if she could afford it.   I knew in that moment that my money is gone.  My sister said she would reimburse me half since we share this burden. I am grateful that I do not need to bear the full financial burden  but I resent my mother's selfishness.

Although I regret that mom's life has evolved into this deplorable situation, I realize that she is in this situation of her own choosing.  My mother definitely has the means to improve her situation but refuses to invest time in her family or money in her own quality of life.  So I did what I could and bought her some groceries, which I had to pay for,  then I took her home.  The essence of the woman I have always known became apparent as I realized that during this entire time I did not hear her say thank you, or  I am glad I got to see my grandson and his family, or indicate a desire to see us again, and as I was leaving she told me she didn't need my help now and then walked away without saying goodbye.

My home town is a small town and a lot of good people live there. Usually, I stop at my father's grave to place flowers and then make a trip for Mexican food at my favorite place.  This time I didn't stop.  My foot was on the gas pedal pushing the speed limit because I could not get home fast enough. 

I have always said that life is like a river.  We can't control the current, we can only respond to it. A river takes from the lakes but gives back to the oceans while creating life and happiness on it's journey. If we  take without giving our lives become like the dead sea.  My  mother's life is a stagnant pond.  We are where we are in life because of the choices we make and I choose the river.

The Family Jewels

Everyone has my number and even those who have alienated me over the years eventually call when there is a problem.  I gave up trying to understand this years ago and just accept it.  However, some calls catch us off guard. Especially calls from the local authorities saying my mom needs help.

The relationship with my mother consists of years of angst.  I was never good enough, I didn't do what she wanted me to do, and she was manipulative as well as deceitful causing havoc in our lives for no apparent reason.  When she could no longer manipulate me she refused to acknowledge me as a daughter and, aside from the occasional wellness check which consisted of me standing outside of her yard as she told me she wanted nothing to do with me because I wouldn't pay her $1200 a month cell phone bill, I hadn't seen much of her in years. Yet a call from the local sheriff caused me leave work immediately to make the two hour trip back to my home town. 


As I parked in front I was speechless.  The home I grew up in could now qualify for a television show on hoarders.  Mom is 86  and a child of the depression era. She lived with the fear that whatever she discarded could be needed someday.  When I walked in, the little woman in front of me was a mere shadow of the vibrant woman I remembered as a child but she was still  just as feisty arguing with adult protective services over leaving her home. The lady from ADP explained to her that she could go with me or go into a home.

Mom didn't recognize me at first but, when she did, she was still reluctant to go.  I told her that she could come with me or she would become a ward of the state. The reason I was there is because I didn't want her going into a home.  In spite of the angst that I have against my mother over past events, it melted away when she transformed into a frightened little old lady who began to sob and admit she was afraid. At that moment she was just a frightened little old woman who was too skinny.  She had no clothes because the relative who had been caring for her threw most of them away so she merely picked up her handbag and turned to limp out to my car. Still as stubborn as ever, she  refused help and got in without saying a word.  The deputy who called me said she had been locked in a room and was denied food.  Since they didn't know when she had last eaten, finding food was first on my agenda.

Mom's clothes were too big for her, her shoes were fuzzy house slippers, she was dirty, and she was almost skeletal.   The officer said that the relative who was caring for her is in jail on charges of elderly abuse so the plan was to bring her to live with me. To be honest, I was as scared as she was so I focused on what needed to be done.  First stop was food, second stop Walmart for clothes and personal items, and then home for a bath.

I  have never ever wanted to be a nurse but suddenly I was thrust into the roll.  As I drew the bath and mom began to remove her slacks I noticed  an awful wound on her leg, toes that were broken, and scratches on her face and shoulders.   I asked her how it happened and she became confused saying  it was from the car.  The wound was large, very deep, infected, and .... repugnant to look at with a foul odor ...so I bandaged it up and we were off to urgent care who immediately sent her directly to a hospital with a good wound care unit. 

I spent the next couple of days sitting by her hospital bed watching an old  woman who is much too thin with tubes coming from her arms as her frail chest revealed every rib with each breath. The police came, took pictures, and tried to learn what happened from an 86 year old woman who is scared and has a failing memory.  Finally they found that the caregiver had kept my Mom tied to a chair with limited bathroom access and limited food. The wound is from the restraints that tied her to the chair.

I felt an overwhelming anger course through me but no tears came. Then later when my son called to check on me the tears began to flow and I couldn't stop. I couldn't control the tears so I went into the hall so she wouldn't see how emotional I was. The time had come to reach beyond the resentment of the past. Everything happens for a reason.  This is the time to try to find  peace so I began to search my heart for the good memories.

As a very young child driving home at night with mom, she would direct my view to the horizons and say, "See the lights? They look like jewels. Let's see how many jewels we can find."   We would spend the time scouring the horizon looking for jewels. I remembered her love of animals and how she would rescue anything that needed help. These are the memories I would focus on.

Two days later mom and I were finally on our way back to my house.  My mind was occupied because I was trying to decide what room to set her up in, what do I need to buy, how much money was left in my account, and how to fit her care into my routine.  

Mom surprised me when her voice broke into my thoughts as she said "Remember looking for jewels Cheryl? You would come with me in the car at night and to keep you from getting frightened we would watch for the lights on the horizon.  I would tell you they looked like jewels.  Do you remember?"

"Yes mom. In fact,  I was remembering that very thing as I sat in the hospital."  I told her and smiled as I said, "This memory is what our family jewels consist of I guess. Not very valuable but it is beautiful to us." It was coincidence that mom found the same memory I did and I wonder if she was searching to find happier times just as I had done.

Everything happens for a reason.  Life is like this multi-dimensional puzzle where one event triggers another, and  then another. Sometimes I wonder if God arranged life like this because he likes puzzles.  Anyway, the fact that mom and I found the same memory makes me feel that this is happening for a reason.  This one memory won't erase the wrongs of the past but it does provide a fragile link to happier times and it is my hope that one shared memory is a good start that can help ease us into a better future. 

You Cant Legislate Morality

During the last few days I watched with horror as details unfold on the massacre at a movie theater in Aurora Colorado.  As expected,  the debates over gun control began immediately.  When Press Secretary James Brady was shot and paralyzed after the 1981 assassination attempt on President Reagan's life, he began campaigning for stricter gun control over handguns which eventually led to The Brady Bill.  The Brady Bill calls for education and legislation to govern who can purchase guns.  In the most basic of terms, this means that in if someone wants to buy a gun they need to  undergo a background check to confirm that there is no criminal record or history of mental illness.  This sounds like good preventative measures, however, the shooter at the Aurora Colorado theater had tear gas, handguns, assault rifles, and had purchased 6000 rounds of ammunition and all of this was obtained legally.  If our tracking system was working properly then why is it that someone who purchased multiple assault rifles plus 6000 rounds of ammunition didn't raise a flaming red flag?

In my younger years, I lived in Asia where there are strict gun laws.  What I witnessed is that  gun control doesn't eliminate violence or violent death at the hands of someone with ill intent.  If someone can't get a gun, then they will simply find different weapons and the result is just as ugly.

The saying that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' is true.  Proponents of gun control live under the illusion that taking guns out of the hands of common citizens will eliminate violence but it won't. As hard as we try, we will never be able to legislate compassion, morality, integrity,  or ethics to prevent things like this from happening. Unfortunately, the actions of many people today prove that the basic respect for life is eroding throughout America. Thirty years ago the news was violent and our television shows were entertaining but today the television shows are violent and the news reports are entertaining.   This, in and of itself, makes a statement about the American attitude.

This country is in a bad place right now but a country is only as good as it's people. Although we need a better tracking system for gun purchases, and assault weapons should be severely restricted, Gun control is not the answer.  America needs to take a hard look at our society today and they will see that the problem goes much deeper.