Society's definition of family is an absolute definition of shared bloodlines while the definition of friendship is more of a mercurial relationship that can dissipate at any second. Yet, I have relatives that I would never consider family. On the flip side, I have several friends that are more like my family than some of my relatives have ever been. I think this is the danger in absolute thinking. Assumptions are often wrong and, since life doesn't come with a set of directions, sometimes the answer is not as simple as yes or no.
Recently, I went through several stressful weeks with a family issue. During that time, my friends were there to offer support and help in whatever way they could. Once life began to settle into a normal pattern I met my friends for dinner at our favorite haunt. This time, the conversation took a more sombre turn as we shared how much we value our friendship. One of ladies shared that, years ago when she first met me, she didn't like me very much. She said that she thought I was unapproachable. As she grew to know me better, she realized I am nothing like her first impression. and she loves me like a sister.
My friend "G" and I were discussing this conversation later. What neither of us shared with that particular friend is that we didn't like her much at first either because her attempts to get acquainted were too intrusive. The truth is that "G" and I are both very reserved until we know someone better. "G" and I have similar backgrounds and have felt the sting of betrayal so, although we are both freindly to everyone, neither of us will open up on a more personal level to just anyone. Our other friend is the social butterfly who wants to know all about everyone at first meeting and does not hesitate to ask personal questions. She can be downright nosey and doesn't understand that not everyone wants to share everything about themselves with her right away. Her motive is pure but someone, who is reserved like myself, can find her approach to be offensive. Our friendships didn't just happen. The relationships evolved through shared experiences that allowed us to gain a better understanding of each other.
"A friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg and overlooks the fact that you are half cracked."
Author Unknown
I heard someone say once that friends are like onions. We need to peel back the layers to discover the true essence of who a persons truly is. Sometimes that first impression is right and is also wrong. An example is my friend's first impression of me. She was correct. I was unapproachable to someone who was trying to know too much too soon. As she grew to know me better she discovered that I am reserved but once I open up she witnessed a person she could relate to. With time a friendship developed.
I think that this is where the danger lies in absolute thinking. We form an opinion based on an assumption. When that assumption doesn't hold up it forces out us out of our comfort zone and we must re-evaluate what we initially deemed to be absolute. By the end of our conversation "G" and I had decided that sometimes the answer isn't yes or no because it can actually be both.
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