When my father was alive I enjoyed making the trip back home. The drive into the mountains has some spectacular scenery that evoke wonderful memories. However, since his passing the trip home has been more of a duty to do a wellness check on a mother who doesn't want anything to do with me unless she needs help.
Almost two weeks ago I received the call that my mother needed help. After taking time off work, and a couple of thousand dollars spent on her medical expenses, she was self sufficient enough to go home. This is going to sound cold hearted but I personally think that her home needs to be condemned and she needs to be in assisted living. However, the state assesses her as having the ability to maintain her daily existence so I was required to respect her wishes and take her home. I did this with mixed feelings because, although I don't have warm fuzzy feelings towards my mother, I still see an 86 year old woman who isn't as strong as she used to be and is living in deplorable conditions.
The time that my mother stayed with me was stressful. Her entire focus was on herself. She met my son, her grandson, who she had not made time to see in fifteen years and met her great granddaughter for the first time. Since my daughter is overseas she could only see pictures. My sister came to town after mom was released from the hospital and stayed two days. Since the tension between the two run very high I am both surprised and grateful that my sister stayed as long as she did.
When looking into some supplemental insurance for her medical I discovered, quite by accident, that mom has funds which places her in a comfortable financial position. These funds, plus the two properties that she owns, prevents her from qualifying for any type of assistance outside of medicare and her social security checks. We brought up the subject of the money I had to pull from my savings to pay her hospital expenses and asked if she had funds to reimburse me. She could answer, right down to the penny, how much she had in her checking account and how much social security she receives but when my sister approached her about reimbursing me the funds for her own medical bill she suddenly accused her of trying to take her money. When I approached her, she didn't accuse me but became vague and said she would see if she could afford it. I knew in that moment that my money is gone. My sister said she would reimburse me half since we share this burden. I am grateful that I do not need to bear the full financial burden but I resent my mother's selfishness.
Although I regret that mom's life has evolved into this deplorable situation, I realize that she is in this situation of her own choosing. My mother definitely has the means to improve her situation but refuses to invest time in her family or money in her own quality of life. So I did what I could and bought her some groceries, which I had to pay for, then I took her home. The essence of the woman I have always known became apparent as I realized that during this entire time I did not hear her say thank you, or I am glad I got to see my grandson and his family, or indicate a desire to see us again, and as I was leaving she told me she didn't need my help now and then walked away without saying goodbye.
My home town is a small town and a lot of good people live there. Usually, I stop at my father's grave to place flowers and then make a trip for Mexican food at my favorite place. This time I didn't stop. My foot was on the gas pedal pushing the speed limit because I could not get home fast enough.
I have always said that life is like a river. We can't control the current, we can only respond to it. A river takes from the lakes but gives back to the oceans while creating life and happiness on it's journey. If we take without giving our lives become like the dead sea. My mother's life is a stagnant pond. We are where we are in life because of the choices we make and I choose the river.
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