Laughter In The Face of Family Drama

“He who laughs……………...lasts”

Erma Bombeck, Forever, Erma

My parents had four children, of which,  I am the youngest.  The age gap between myself and my siblings spans more than a decade so I naively assumed that the older siblings would be the ones to take on primary responsibility for our aging parents. I should have known better because I was always the one who received the calls for help.   Now I find myself caring for my mother, who I have always had a difficult relationship with and who believes she is much younger than her 86 years,  while the rest of my clan plants themselves on my doorstep.  

My sisters and I were  raised by the same two parents, yet we each evolved into completely different people. This  becomes very apparent each time we communicate.  What keeps me sane through all of this is humor.  Erma Bombeck’s book titled “Family: The Ties that Bind…and Gag” has been a favorite read for years and her book reminds me that every situation has a humorous side.  At this point in my life it is easy to relate to what she wrote and I will be forever grateful for her words.  She was a wise woman and her writing helped me see the humor in my own family dynamics.  All I need to do is  observe the participants. 

Mom was diagnosed in the early stages of Alzheimer Disease and is no longer able to live on her own.  My brother passed away so there are only my two sisters and myself to take care of her. Every family member has their positive and negative traits. While I am no exception to this rule, the additional challenge is that I have been estranged from my mother... by her choice... for many years, and  my sisters can be as challenging as my mother’s situation.   I wonder if the angst amongst us is because each of us is so different from the other.  If one were to look closely they would see that there are commonalities but the differences outnumber them. 


One of my sisters is well educated and, in her youth, was very beautiful with a wonderful career.  I spent most of my life listening to my  mom comparing us to her.  However, today she struggles with addiction, is unemployed, and relies on government assistance to survive.  She  blames everyone except her own choices for where her life is today.  However, mom is still comparing us to woman she used to be.  Some things just never change. 

My other sister has a flamboyant personality and aligns heself with the ditzy blonde crowd.  She got married right out of high school,  for many years lived a conservative life as an ultra feminine housewife, went to church every Sunday, and let her husband to do her thinking for her.  I spent my youth listening to her lecture me on living a lifestyle that was “too worldly.”   Today she is no longer conservative, and rarely goes to church, but  she is still flamboyant and a ditzy blond.  Although, at the moment  she is a ditzy redhead.   She has a job but her funds are for her own enjoyment and she has never in her life had to pay a bill to survive.This sister proclaims that she is independent but starts every sentence with “My husband says….” To be honest, I have had little contact with her outside of a Christmas card for years.

I realized that humor would help me when this sister told me about going to the casino and spending $20 to play the slots.  As she entered her very last quarter she won $15.  She said “I was so excited that I came out ahead by winning the extra $15 that I took myself out to dinner.”  I asked “How did you come out ahead?”  She said excitedly, “Because I won $15!!”  I smiled and asked her “So, you went in with $20?”  She nods so I ask “You won $15?”  She nods again and says “You see, I won $15!”  Then I ask, “So, if you walk in with $20 and walk out with $5 less....…exactly how is it that you came out ahead?” 

The look of astonished realization on her face kept me laughing for days. 

  

As for myself, I have always been called the ‘fluff and granola’ sister because I enjoy hiking boots as much as much as I enjoy high heels. I love being  active and getting close to nature but I have sisters who think that they are roughing it if a hotel room has no room service.   

My mother is a stubborn 86 year old who is in old age denial.  She adamantly refuses to use her cane or a hearing aid because she insists that these items are only for old people.  As a result,  it takes us twenty minutes to help her shuffle from the car to the door of my house and the television volume is keep at a level that is so far above loud it can only be described as OMG.    

At the guardianship hearing, I appeared with my mother and my oldest sister.  I wore business attire and my mother sat next to me clinging to my hand wearing a dress I had purchased for her.  The sister with addiction issues didn't put in an appearance but the other sister appeared at the hearing with her spikey red hair, lots of cosmetic to emphasize the shocked expression resulting from her latest cosmetic procedure, extra jewelry, a bright turquoise and gold colored tunic covered in sequins which was complimented by white sequined leggings that had fake diamonds up the sides, a leather strap with fake diamonds around her ankle, and she finished her ensemble with sparkling silver sandals complimented by a matching handbag covered in bling.  It was actually a flattering ensemble but it made her stand out in a courtroom full of business suits.  As I sat down I was grateful that my sister was there .... bling and all.  Somehow, during this time of stress, it was reassuring to see my oldest sister standing strong and just being true to who she is.  I felt a sense of pride as I listened to her reply to the judge intelligently and with confidence. It was at this moment when I realized that, although neither of us had the perfect mother, we are both striving to be the best daughters that my mother will allow us to be.

Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.

ERMA BOMBECK, Family: The Ties that Bind ... And Gag

If Erma Bombeck were here today I would write her a letter and express my gratitude.  Her words help me keep my perspective and my sanity.  What is more important is that she helped me to find the laughter in the in the face of family drama.