My mother is now set up in an assisted living home and I will selfishly admit that, although I still have responsibilities, I am glad my life is once again my own. The woman I picked up and brought to my home six months ago had a completely different attitude than the woman who went into the assisted living last week. I can only describe her initial behavior as confrontational and this, combined with the personality traits that created the conflict between us in the first place, made things more difficult than they needed to be.
My house became a place with too much conflict but I still have moments of guilt and regret. The media portrays images of adult children who care for elderly parents with total devotion while the parent is adoringly cooperative and this illusion sometimes makes me feel that I should have done more. Then again, it could be that I just wish things could be different between us. For some families the situation may be exactly as the media images are portrayed but this was not my experience. In conversations with several friends who are also caring for elderly parents I am told that this is not their experience either. The parents are resentful because their independence has been taken away while the caregivers are tired and overwhelmed. When I brought mom into my home one friend told me "Cheryl, this is going to age you." She was right. I feel so much older than my years right now.
In the beginning, mom insisted that I allow her to go home and give her back her car several times a day. Eventually, mom agreed to stay and let a nurse to help out but a nurse is not cost effective and she needed far more care than I can give her. When mom tried to boil water then forgot to turn off the stove she almost burned my house down. This happened several times but I also worried that if something happened while I was at work it would be hours before she would receive help. There were days when my mother is the woman I have always known but there were the other days when she would walk aimlessly through the house because she couldn't find the bathroom. The need to relocate her was not optional.
When mom's health was an issue I did do whatever it took, but as her health improved I was not as willing to cater to her demanding spirit. In an attempt to help her understand that she needs to be more independent, I began to give her small chores such as putting away silverware from the dishwasher. One evening she was angry because I came home from work a little later than normal. After dinner she pushed her empty plate toward me as she turned her back while waving her hand for me to remove it. I told her that she needed to clear her own place because I am not a maid. After glaring at me for several minutes she got up and carried her plate to the sink. She then surprised me as she began to help clear the table. This was a turning point for us and after that she would ask for things the she could help with on a regular basis.
It was also necessary to completely re-shuffle my time just to get things done. She was lonely so she became upset if I went anywhere without her. I work long hours and each evening she would interrogate me about my schedule. If I had errands or shopping to do she insisted on joining me. However, when I would pull into the parking lot she would announce that she was not getting out of the car. Then she would tell me to park in a better spot..... with more shade...... and tell me to make it quick because she is waiting outside. I learned that it was best to sneak out early in the morning before she got up. This was inconvenient, but it helped save my sanity. She would become upset if I cleaned house because she felt I should be "keeping her company." I would reply by giving her a chore, such as folding towels. To be honest, it was like having a child in my home and but I couldn't send her to her room or take away privileges. Some of this is normal for someone who has Alzheimer's but understanding it does not make it any easier to deal with.
I was dreading the day that we would transition her to a new home. A few weeks before the move a friend of ours, who was living with his daughter, fell while the daughter was at work. He lay in the same place for over eight hours until his daughter came home and found him. It was this situation that helped convince my mom to make the transition with more cooperation than I ever expected to receive. I visit her twice a week and each time she is happy and adapting better than I ever thought possible.
One evening mom was watching the interaction with my family and said, "I have regrets that I didn't spend more time with my family." That simple statement helped me let go of the negative feelings toward her but it also brought on a sense of regret for all of the wasted years. When mom was staying with me I had two mothers. One mother was demanding but the other was childlike and kind. I think that this entire experience helped me to see my mother differently.
I realized that this transition, as challenging as it has been, has been a blessing. Over the years my mother and I never just talked. We were not friends and I really don't know her very well. However, during her time with me I listened to her talk about her life and, as she shared her memories, I was able to know more about her. There are positive things that emerged from this. I was forced to face my demons and, in the process, I was able to let go of most of the angst I had held inside for many years. This also provided me with an opportunity that many people never have. I was able to become acquainted with a mother who I have never really known.
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