Blessings of 2010

I work in the city. The scenery in the city consists primarily of transients, asphalt, traffic, and rooftops. From where I park in the parking garage, I can see the top of a Catholic Church which has a cross that rises high enough that it can be seen above everything else. This is the first thing I see as I arrive in the morning and the last thing I see as I leave work each day. The sight of this cross is my personal reminder that there is more to life than what goes on in the office. It reminds me that problems are always temporary and all things happen for a reason. That cross symbolizes that life is not defined by the rules of society, what we wear, or where we live.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBOTrj94wig


Over the past two months work has been unusually demanding. The sight of that cross at the end of the day is a calming force that re-energizes me before I begin my trip home. A few weeks ago I left work late and it had been a particularly difficult day. It was late, dark, I was both mentally and physically tired. I walked toward the parking garage in the dark feeling a sense of disappointment because, especially on that particular day, I truly needed the feeling of peace the sight of that cross brings me. As I got in my vehicle I glanced in the general direction of the church. To my amazement, the cross was illuminated by light and glowing in the night sky for all to see. I could only sit and stare.  Before I began my journey home I said a silent prayer of gratitude. Seeing the cross that evening was a gentle reminder that I need to focus on faith instead of  what I don’t have  otherwise I end up overlooking the blessings in my life.



The sight of the cross is more than just a refresher for my spirit. It is a reminder that my thoughts have been on everything except my many blessings. When I was young, my father told me to look at the sunset and sunrise when I am troubled. He said our troubles are never permanent. Change is inevitable and the change begins with the dawn of a new day.



A new year is only hours away and I have been thinking about my blessings in 2010. My life is filled with family and friends that I am extremely grateful for. Part of my family includes two incredible dogs that have given me unconditional love. I have a job I enjoy and life has taught me that there is something to delight me every single day whether it be a  cross rising above the rooftops or a sunrise that is so spectacular it defies description. I am grateful for parents who taught me to be strong, independent, with the courage to step out of my comfort zone and experience new things. These are traits that I share with my own children.



My New Year resolution for 2011 is to take time every day to invest in life. I tend to become extremely task focused  to the point that I will look up to realize that days have gone and I failed to set aside time to ‘just be.’ It takes a gentle reminder, like the view of a cross glowing through the darkness after a hard day, to remind me that life is not just about work or household chores. My resolution for 2011 is to remember that life is meant to be lived.  I must not become so engrossed in my work or my responsibilities that I lose focus of the blessings in my life today.

My attitude will define the year 2011 for me, not the events. So I bid goodbye to the year 2010, not with parties and chapagne, but with my most precious blessings.  I end this year in the company of my dogs, my family, my kids, and a bottle of apple cider while I am curled up on the couch with my sweet granddaughter, crayons, color books, and a spongebob cartoon.  I am content.  I am happy.

I'll Take Some Whine With my Cheese

Life has just been crazy busy lately.  I have no time to prepare for Christmas, deal with daily household tasks, spend time with friends, take care of myself like I should, or find time to unwind and recharge.  The result is that due to stress I need to be careful that I don't speak harshly and hurt someone's feelings.

"How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!"

Barbara Johnson

I read that unfiinished tasks tend to cause more stress than projects we haven't started. This made so much sense that I decided to finish all of the unfinished tasks around my house, one at a time.  I started with the unfinished bottle of wine in my refrigerator. I feel much better already!  

Yesterday a friend told me that her Christmas tree is decorated, her Christmas cards have been sent, most of the shopping is done and the gifts are wrapped.  Since I have barely had time to buy my cards, for just a moment I really felt inept.    My oldest sister is a perfectionist so it surprised me when she said that she doesn't worry too much about the holidays being picture perfect anymore.  She said that "The imperfections of the day is what makes it special."

 I have to agree.  A perfect memory is created by an unique experience causing that particular window of time to stand out from the rest.   My best memories are of times when things were not as organized or didn't go as planned. 

One of my favorite memories is a trip to Sedona to see the Christmas lights at Poco Diablo Resort. We met my sister and brother in law, my neice,her husband, and their children at our favorite restaurant for dinner. My brother in law has a big heart but he is a 'take charge kind of guy' ...even when he should let someone else take charge.  After dinner, we walked down the hill to the resort. Since it was cold, my neice and her husband decided to load the children into their Ford Explorer and drive them down the hill.  It was very busy and when my brother in law spotted an empty parking space being vacated near the entrance, he ran over,  stood in the space,  and refused to allow anyone else to park there.  When he saw the Ford Explorer pull into the parking lot he waived his arms signalling dramatically for the vehicle to pull into the space.  Then he ran back and forth to stop  all other cars while directing the Ford Explorer into the tight parking spot.  Once he was satisfied that the car was parked  he gave a big thumbs up and  turned to us and said,"Now THAT is how it is done."   About this time my niece and her family came walking from the other side of the parking lot (where they had to park because someone was stopping all of the traffic in that parking aisle) as a complete stranger and his family  stepped out the the Ford Explorer and said "Gee, Thanks Mister. That was so nice of you!"  The look on my brother in law's face was priceless! 

"If we treat every problem as though it were a life or death decision, we will face death many times."

                                                                       Barbara Johnson

Feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't finish everything I want to do is pointless.  I have household tasks that need to be done but I am grateful that I have a house.  My job is demanding but I am grateful that I have a job.  There are presents to buy and limited time to shop but I am so grateful that I have special people in my life to buy presents for and money to purchse them. 

About fifteen years ago I heard a motivational speaker talk about stress. He said that "A lump in your oatmeal is an inconvenience. A lump in your breast is a problem.  Unfortunately, many people are unable to distinguish the difference and react to each one in the same way."  

When our focus is on what we don't have, we fail to appreciate our blessings.  Abraham Lincoln said "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."  Life will never go as planned, it is all about living and loving well.  The decorations are merely a disposable detail.  My difficult schedule is an inconvenience, not a problem. Christmas is not about the Christmas trees, the decorations, or even the gifts.  Christmas is about the people in our lives and about loving others. My wish is that this holiday season will be filled with wonderful surprises and that I can focus on my blessings and the memories to be made. 

"Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape."

Unknown

Assumptions

Someone once told me that the word assume means to make an "ass" out of "u" and "me."  The definition isn't gramatically precise, and it is definitely not eloquent, but it is accurate.  I can recall many times in my life when an assumption was wrong and had a negative impact.  Communication is the solution. It is a necessity  for understanding others and resolving conflict.

"One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing."

Socrates

Assumptions are dangerous things.  I think of assumptions as opinions that are based on a guess instead of facts and that makes them worth the paper they are written on.  At work we recently went to a seminar that identified personality styles.  I am a Red personality which is identified as adventurous, headstrong, outgoing, and enjoys challenge. One person I work with told me after that he always thought of me as introverted, quiet, and  analytical. This is definitely not who I am.  Although, after thinking about it I can understand his misconception because I keep my work and my life separate.  I tend to go to my office and focus on the job at hand.  I am friendly, professional,  and mingle with my coworkers but work is work and it is distinctly separate from my personal life.  This is the only side of me he sees.

I recently read a quote from the book "On Becoming A Person" by  psychologist Carl Rogers. 

He wrote, " I found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand the other person.  The way in which I have worded this statement may seem strange to you.  Is it necessary to permit oneself to understand another?"  ........."When someone expresses some feeling, attitude, or belief, our tendancy is almost immediately to feel 'that's right' or 'that's stupid,' 'that 's abnormal,' that's unreasonable,'   'that's incorrect,'   'that's not nice.'  Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand  precisely what the meaning of the statement means to that other person."

God has a way of speaking to my heart in the way I need it most.  This is why I believe that I found the above quote at a crucial time.  There are many missed opportunites in life because someone acted on an assumption rather than asking for facts.  Romance movies are often based on wrong assumtions.   She assumes something about him, he assumes something about her, they are both wrong so the two people go on this journey to discover that they feel the same way.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just be open and not left  to guess what the other person wanted us to say or do?  Of course, if it were that easy the romance stories wouldn't be as interesting.  This is one reason why I value my friends so very much.  We respect each other enough not to guess.  We ask and we communicate to gain a clearer understanding of what our actions and words were intended to say.

"Fear Is The Darkroom Where Negatives Are Developed" 

Barbara Johnson

The interesting thing about assumptions is that we are usually wrong.  People often assume the worst which can create unnecessary worry and misunderstanding.   I think people sometimes make assumptions because it is easier than  pulling ourselves out of the comfort zone by taking a risk and communicating the truth.  Although it is easier to fool ourselves by remaining in a cocoon of vague facts and subjective theories, eventually the truth creeps in. 

"If I have the stuff to make cocoons, maybe the stuff to make butterflies is in their too."

Trina Paulus  



I have several friends who are suffering right now.  One has a son who is ill, two others have husbands that were recently diagnosed with a terminal illness, and another friend lost her son to the war in  Afghanistan recently.  We get together about every six weeks to catch up.  One of my friends called to cancel with a lame excuse.  Instead of assuming the worst we called her back and she said that she was depressed.  Two years ago her husband had passed away after 20 years of marriage.  A few days before was her  anniversay and she was struggling.   I am so glad we called because she cancelled on th assumption that we wouldn't want her join us when she was in pain.   We each reminded her that we are her friend when she is sad as much as when she is happy and  we would be offended if she didn't come.  When we are hurting, that is precisely when we need our friends the most.  The six of us spent an evening at a restaurant eating a great dinner.   We reminisced with her, we laughed together, and we cried together over a bottle of wine, coffee,  three pieces of chocolate cake  served on three plates with 6  forks to be shared by 6 dear friends.   We almost missed this great experience because she assumed we wouldn't understand why she is still grieving so much after two years and  I almost allowed myself to assume she didn't want to be with us.  I reminded her that we all heal at our own pace and then someone else quoted what Francis Thompson wrote:

" Grief is a matter of relativity;

The sorrow should be estimated by it's proportion to the sorrower;

A gash is as painful to one person as an amputation is to another."



I am a strong, independent woman who lives on the corner of Here and Now.  Dreaming is for the quiet moments of reflection while the bulk of my day is spent with a focus on reality.   I don't wear my heart on my sleeve,  I bear my pain privately, I try not to make assumptions, nor do I give people reason to make erroneous assumptions about me.  Yet they sometimes do.  If I have something important to say,  I say it .  Being open can make me feel vulnerable, which is a feeling I dislike, but  I remind myself that the way someone reacts to my honesty tells me how important they are in my life.. ...friend, or acquaintance, or someone who isn't worth a second thought.  There have been a few times when someone assumes that I am over-reacting on a small point.   I remind them that the smallest thing in their check book register is the decimal point.  Although it is small, it is only insignificant until you move it one digit to the left.  We should never assume to understand what represents the "decimal point" in someone else's life.  Some of  life's experiences that seem insignificant on the surface to us can have a huge  impact  on someone else.........simple things like a date on a calendar which, to someone else, represents the wedding anniversary of a husband who is no longer here to share it. 

Frustration

One thing that frustrates me is when people who have no business making decisions about another person's life does exactly that.  I get upset when people repeatedly tell me I need to "find a good man so I won't be alone."   It upsets me when family members argue and everyone else takes sides.  I hate it when someone knows 10% of the facts and try to make 100% of the decisions.  What truly angers me is when people who should love unconditionally make love conditional. 

Tonight I got upset and walked out of a restaurant in the middle of dinner.  Someone  had a rough day and wasn't feeling well  so I invited her out for soup, tea, and conversation.  She began talking about a family dispute and her idea on what everyone else is doing wrong, what they should do,and why she won't speak to certain people until it is done her way, etc. At first I tried to argue my point. As the evening progressed, I relented and told her that I make my own decisions. Everyone is responsible for their own actions.  Being judgmental and creating conditions accomplishes nothing.  I mentioned that her decisions regarding her own actions are hers to own, but she has no right to set conditions for anyone except herself ,especially when it is on how to handle personal situations. What cinched the deal was when she said, "Maybe you are still single because you are so aloof........."  THAT was the wrong thing to say so I told her I needed to leave.

I am not perfect. My family is not perfect and there are several family members who have not spoken in decades over things I consider to be trivial.  All of this drama and hurt because they were judgmental and made things conditional.  I have no right to judge others and they have no right to judge me.  A relationship is like an onion with multiple layers and an outsider can only view the surface.

What people fail to realize is that  I am single because I am not actively looking for a relationship.  When I do, I usually find one.  The truth is that I do get approached..often.  At my age I feel silly talking about  admiring glances thrown my way by the opposite sex with the same frequency that I talk about the weather.  Today, for example, I received an other email from my old boyfriend asking if he could take me to dinner.  A male friend stopped by my office and we are going to lunch on Wednesday.  There is a man in my building who is openly flirtateous and ran across the hall just to open my door.  The UPS delivery man is a very attractive guy who makes a point of stopping by my office and has mentioned a coffee date for next week.  I haven't mentioned any of this, except the email from the old boyfriend, to anyone.  What would it accomplish? Prove to everyone else that I have options? Although I find the attention flattering , I really don't care how others perceive me.   I refuse to be defined by the opinions of others. 

Although I have empathy for those who are in pain, I won't adopt their pain as my own.  When others have drama in their lives, I refuse to focus on the negative. If people I care about are arguing, I rarely take sides.  Instead I listen to both and try to convince them to work things out on their own.  Staying neutral sometimes makes people interpret my attitude as indifference.  I do care even more than they realize.  Even if my response is not what others expect of me, I need to be true to my heart and give others room to be true to theirs because  love is about acceptance, not perfection. 



"Instead of trying to change people, we should give them room to be the person God created them to be."
Joel Osteen.

My Life, It Is What It Is.

The one thing I fail to comprehend is why people, especially women, only see my single status instead of the person I am.  Yes, I would like to meet someone to grow old with but I enjoy my life and refuse to make a hobby out of pursuing a man. Recently, I joined a kayak club so I could enjoy a sport that I have a passion for while in the company of others who share my love of paddling and the outdoors. It is not a dating service and the members consist of both singles couples. I have one friend who asks to see my pictures from time to time and doesn’t make one comment about the outing. Her focus is on the men in the group and if I have found potential males there. The few times I have shared pictures with her she was so busy focusing on the potential males in the group she actually missed the one photo I am very proud of. It is a rare sighting of a bald eagle sitting in a tree looking off into the distance as though he were posing.


In my youth one of the “workers” at meeting (church) shared a story about a young elk who spent his time dreaming of the day when he would mature and grow his antlers. Later, as an adult, he spent many hours admiring his antlers in the reflection of a lake while criticizing his long legs and muscular body. He was so busy admiring the antlers he failed to notice a lion stalking him. The lion took chase but the elk’s long legs and muscular body put distance between himself and the danger. When the elk ran into a grove of trees, his antlers become entangled in the branches and he was killed. The moral is that the elk was killed by the very part of himself that he admired to the exclusion of all else but his life could have been saved by the part of himself that he took for granted.

"What is our greatest strength in one situation can be our greatest weakness in another." Joel Osteen

I had a 16 year marriage that was difficult, left scars, and had a painful ending so I am not anxious to repeat the experience. I am single by choice. Since my divorce 10 years ago I have had marriage proposals and I  accepted one of them, only to withdraw the acceptance later.  I still have the sapphire and diamond ring that he wouldn’t take back. My marriage was painful but I learned a valuable lesson from the experience.  As a result, the relationships I have had since my divorce were of a better quality because of lessons learned. Today the focus is on living my life to the fullest and letting God guide me into places I never imagined I would go. I refuse to sit on the sidelines.  It is too easy to dwell on what we don't have in our life and, in doing so, not see the blessings.

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".
Erma Bombeck

Yes, I would marry again if I met the right person. The “right person” for me doesn’t have to be handsome or rich. He will definitely not be perfect because a perfect man is boring. I would want a man who carries himself well, can make me laugh, engage in intelligent conversation, good values, a good work ethic, accepts me for who I am, gives me room to grow, and who has imperfections I can live with.

"People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow."
Erma Bombeck

Being alone isn't as bad as people make it sound. I don’t answer to anyone except myself and I am never bored. When I came home last evening, my granddaughter’s eyes lit up with happiness and recognition as I entered the room. My dogs greet me with joy. I have a circle of close friends who mean the world to me and I see them often. My children and I have a close relationship. I enjoy my job, I do volunteer work, pursue my passions, enjoy my home, my hobbies, my life.  I think that staying home with a good book and a glass of wine is so much better than a bad date.


If the loneliness hits, as it does sometimes, I allow myself that moment of wishful thinking. Then I remind myself that being alone is easy compared to being vulnerable to another person.  Marriage and commitment is not for wimps. It takes respect, courage and commitment , sacrifice, and compromise to make a relationship last.  My friend told me that a marriage partnership starts out like champagne with excitement and bubbles.  As it ages, it matures into a fine wine. Still something special but with a different flavor.


"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "
Erma Bombeck

Becoming completely vulnerable to another person who has the ability to have an impact on every area of our lives takes more courage than being alone. It would take a courageous man to make a life commitment with me. I am strong, territorial, independent, and need room to grow. A weak man won’t long with me and the good candidates are unavailable. However, life is a journey and we never know who we will meet along the way. Today I am both single and content.

"I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair."
Erma Bombeck

Life Is For The Living

I Do Not Die

By: Mary Elizabeth Frye 1932 

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there. I do not die.

I found the above poem in 1976 after my friend Susan died. We were both 17 at the time.  These words have brought comfort to myself and  tofriends many times over the years.  This poem found it's way to me time and again when I have lost someone I love.  When Susan died, when my boyfriend died a few years later, when my mother in law died, and when my father passed the poem appears in print or the clipping falls out of a book just at the right time.   A gentle reminder that the grave is for the living because the spirit does not die.


I am not a person who has patience for drama queens. Tragedy is a part of life and we all experience pain.  I try to find  a positive in any negative.  People are born, people die, and somewhere in the middle people live but there is a difference between being alive and truly  living.  A friend of mine lost her son in Afghanistan recently and another lost her husband to cancer. Each one of these women describe the grieving as a series of feelings that begins with hopelessness and loss, then anger, then guilt, and then they begin to live again.  Each one of them have walked through the fire and then continued to take steps to  live a way that honors the person they lost.  I admire them both.

My favorite auther is Barbara Johnson. She is an author who lost one son in Vietnam and  then the other son was hit by a drunk driver and was killed.  The third son adopted a lifestyle that left him estranged for many years. Barbara grieved, become depressed, guilt ridden, and angry until she decided that she couldn't change fate, she could only respond to it.  She began to surround herself with positive thoughts, wrote books, started a support group, and conducted motivational seminars.   Her sons must be so proud as they sit in heaven and watching how their mother took a negative and turned it into something beautiful.  Barbara was diagnosed with cancer in 2001 and died in July 2007.  She lived right up until the end with  her final book on the editors desk.  What an incredible woman.

Losing someone I love makes me feel as though I am dying too.  I am not a person who allows society to define me and one of the artists I really like is Pink because she is true to her own voice.    Her album "I'm Not Dead" was titled as such because she is feisty and refuses to sit down and be quiet.   Her lyrics can be abrupt , they can be raw, but they are always honest. One of my favorites:

I'm not dead just floating

Right between the ink of your tattoo

I've tried to hide my scars from you.

I'm not scared just changing.

There isn't anyone who can lose someone through death or estrangement, and then emerge unchanged.  Loss changes us.  We will never be the same,  but it is up to us if the change gives our life purpose or if we let the pain hold us back.  I don't want to live in pain and I don't want to forget.  Around my neck I wear a thin gold chain.  The chain is connected to a memory.  Although the chain is not always foremost in my thoughts, I am always aware it is there.  This is where I keep the people who I have lost. They are such a part of me, that I don't need to consciously keep them in my thoughts.  They are so much a part of me that I don't need the pain to remind me of them.  Sometimes their memory will speak to me when I least expect it and,  for a moment, once again they are close to me.  Yes, life is for the living  but death taught me not to take others for granted.  Death also taught me that I should not merely want to live,  I need to live my life with purpose.  Life isn't about the event, it is  about how we respond to it. 

 

Life Is A Memory Quilt

Time is like money.

Yesterday is a cancelled check. The money is gone and cannot be recovered.

Tomorrow is a promissory note with no guarantees.

 Today is a present from God. Spend the time wisely.

I was told once that life is like a river, a journey to enjoy as we travel to our final destination.  However, I will never be content to sit idly by and float through life because life is a patchwork quilt comprised of memories and experiences.

The similarities are what will bring us together, our differences are what will make us stand out, our flaws are what make us unique. 

Over the last few days I had the opportunity of spending time with family and friends that I have not seen for years. One of my cousins shared his memories of my father and the impact my dad on his life. He said my father was always there for the family. Through years of observing how my father treated his family, he formulated his own ideals on how to be a good father and husband.  My father was his example. What a special thing it was to hear him share this memory with me.

Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday. She was stubborn in the womb just as she is stubborn now. The day she was born was difficult and after two days of labor  she was delivered by Cesarean Section.  My husband was there, then went to work, and came back.  My mother in law never left my side.  She held my hand, tried to feed me soup, grapes, and bought me a paperback book from the bookstore.  Since she couldn't speak english, the book was about war strategy. She didn't know what it was about but it was in english and the man at the counter told her it was a best seller.  I didn't read the book but I appreciated her gestures of love more than she ever knew.   My daughter is too young to remember how much she was loved by her grandmother.  The day we returned to the states, I turned around to look back as the taxi pulled away from the curb.  I saw her standing there with tears in her eyes and found it hard to stay in control as I felt the tears filling my eyes too.  This memory is a special patch for my life quilt.  It was the last time I saw her before she died. 

My son, on the other hand, waits for no one.  He entered the world in 20 minutes.  I remember the doctor rushing in with his gown untied behind him and hopping on one foot while he put the booties over his shoes.  This time I was alone in the delivery room because my exhusband doesn't handle these situations well.  My father  had suffered a series of strokes and hadn't fully recovered. But my dad was stubborn and had always been there for me,. He asked someone else to drive him 150 miles to be with me and see his grandson.   It was my last memory of my dad.  He died soon after that visit.   This is a favorite patch in my life quilt and  I carry this memory with me everyday.

When my daughter was turning three, I heard my dad's old pickup truck pull up outside. We went out to see a large box in the back of his truck. He bought her a swingset that took an entire weekend to put together and completely invaded our small back yard.  However, it was worth it. I still treasure the pictures of my father sitting with my daughter on those swings.  The memories of my father are always with me.  If you were able to see my life quilt, you would see him everywhere.   

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly”

Quote by Sam Keene.

Adding the memories of my mother to my life quilt has been more of a challenge. My mother was rarely there for me.  She isn't a bad person just incredibly self absorbed. It was normal for mom to forget my birthday and try to make it up with a nice gift of my choosing after my dad reminded her that she forgot.  In second grade I was in an afternoon Christmas program.  The bus was not running and we lived on a ranch 30 miles outside of town.  Mom was scheduled to come to the program, bring cookies, and take me home.  She got involved in other things and simply didn't show up.   The teacher and janitor called and called but no one answered the phone.  It was early December and I sat outside the school in the cold for almost five hours waiting. I stayed because I knew someone would remember.  As the sun went down I saw my dad's old pickup truck racing  into the parking lot throwing gravel as it screeched to a halt in front of me.  His face was full of concern as I climbed up into the cab.  Apparently, when he came home and I wasn't there he  jumped into the truck, and raced to the school. I could feel the tension between my parents for days after.   

I add these memories to my quilt, not because I want to remember my mother in a bad way, but because I want it to be a lesson of the type of memories I refuse to create in my own life. Included in my life quilt are the memories of mom teaching me never to settle for what life hands you. She would say that "the person reaching for a star will always go farther than the person reaching for a tree top."  Mom taught me the bible, a love of music, and art.  She drilled into me that doing right isn't always easy.  I would hear her say repeatedly "Following the right path is like hiking a mountain.  It is easy to go downhill but the top is where the true rewards are."  My  focus is on the positive memories, but I don't want to forget the others.  I am a compilation of all of my life memories, not just the good ones.

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”

Source unknown

My daughter has a good heart and I am proud of her. However, she tramps into a situation like a bull walking in a flower garden.  The one thing I would like her to know is that it is easier not to create damage than to clean up a mess we leave behind with thoughtless words and actions.  I tried to teach my children  that life is not perfect, people are not perfect, and they will never meet your expectations.  Sometimes, it is important to just love the person and approach the situation separately. 

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”

Barbara Johnson

No two people view life exactly the same way.  We can't legislate morality or force our views on another person.  Becoming so regimented with our rules that there is no margin for error is not the answer. Our founding fathers were rebels who didn't follow the rules and look at the result!   If I could give my children one gift, it would be to help them realize that the memory you create with someone today may be the last memory you ever have the opportunity of sharing.  They should do everything they can to make it a memory to be treasured as a patch for their own life quilt . A memory that is a pleasure to revisit and be enjoyed again and again. 

 Today is a present.  A gift of time.  Spend it wisely.

 

The war within

A Cherokee Elder was talking to his Grandson and told him the

story of two wolves that are at war inside of everyone.

The first Wolf is  kind, compassionate, cares about others, and is not judgmental. 

The second Wolf in selfish, greedy, resentful, angry, and negative.

The Grandson asks: Which Wolf wins?

The Cherokee Elder answers:  The one we feed.

*****************************

Today is Friday. Yesterday I found myself sitting in my office staring into space as I tried to determine how to schedule the next few days.  My dog Princess had an appointment with the vet to have a tumor removed and biopsied. Although my kids offered to take her and pick her up, my dogs are like children to me. I couldn't bear not to be there for her.  Monday and Tuesday were already scheduled for time off and I worried that if I took  an extra day I might fall too far behind in my work.  However, I am caught up and can work late next week if necessary so I put in the request.  After approving the time, my boss stopped by my office for a friendly chat.  He said  he was curious about my plans because it seems to him that I am always doing something,  His next comment surprised me because he said that he is amazed because I am not afraid to live life.

His words "not afraid" made me smile because the truth is that I am afraid. I am afraid of trying something new, I am afraid of the regret I will feel if I miss the opportunity to have a new experience, I am afraid of giving too much of myself, and I am afraid of not giving enough.  Each time I try something new, I automatically experience that sense of self doubt.  If I start a serious discussion with someone important to me I worry that I will do damage to the relationship.  I worry about living my life like my mom does and ending up as a bitter and angry woman who cuts anyone, including family and friends, out of her life for the slightest reason. In spite of this, I try to not let my insecurities paralyze me into inaction.  Living my life isn't about avoiding the things that make me uncomfortable, it is about working through the fear it so it doesn't hold me back.

Throughout my life I have seen God work miracles.  I truly believe that I am exactly where God wants me to be.  When my life is challenging, or I am not satisfied, I know God is trying to push me out of my comfort zone into a new direction. Like most people, I like to be in my comfort zone.  That familiar place where there are no big surprises.  However, I know I can't grow to be the person God wants me to be if I never experience new things.  When my comfort zone is no longer comfortable, I know it is time to expect a change. The first step is to conquer the fear within while I take on a new challenge. 

My favorite bible story is the one about David and Goliath.  A child and his sling shot saving  the town from a giant.  The moral of this story isn't about David's expertice with the slingshot.  It is that David realized God is bigger than the problem.  Each time I face fear, I remind myself of little David facing a Giant because he knew God was bigger than the problem in front of him.  No matter what challenge I face, God is bigger than that problem too. He is bigger than the challenge, my fear, my grief, and my insecurities. 

Of course, this sounds great on paper but I am so very human.  I spent years carrying around a package of guilt, regret, grief, resentment, and anger.  Throughout my life I have made mistakes, I have been wrongly accused, I have been alienated by family because I am not living my life according to their standards, and I have had to make the best of things with limited resources at my disposal and hope it is enough.  About ten years ago someone told me that I can't control others, I can only control my own response.  If I allow the negative feelings to occupy my mind and heart, I would be allowing someone who hurt me to live rent free in my soul and that gives them control.  When I allow negative thoughts to control my thinking, it is a tool of the enemy to distract me from seeing what God wants me to see.

I miss my father the most during the holidays.  Instead of allowing sadness to permeate my being, I focus on how grateful I am to have had such a wonderful father.  I take time to enjoy the memories and be grateful for them.  He taught me to appreciate the earth and create memories with my own children.  I often wonder how a mother can discard a child like an old newpaper and refuse to see her grandchildren.  Instead of focusing on much hurt my mother has caused me, I focus on what I can do differently so I won't hurt my family as she hurt ours.  I may be without my mother in my life but look at what she is missing.  She lost two daughters who are there for her in spite of her rejection. My mother lost the opportunity to know her grandchildren an watch them grow, and she lost the opportunity to watch her great grandchildren. 

The bible says that love is patient and kind. In reality, people are much too human for labels like these to be used as a definition of love.  I think love is really about acceptance.  No one is perfect, no situation is perfect, no one's response is perfect,  but the flaws are what make us who we are. Love is about trying to be patient, kind, and loving someone ...imperfections and all.  Love is not focusing on the what we didn't do right.  Love is accepting  an error in judgment and then keeping the focus on what we didn't do wrong.  After all, if anyone is waiting for perfection they will never find it.  When we allow anger, grief, or regret to control our thoughts it only serves to distract us from seeking out our true potential and keeps us from going where God wants us to be.

cheryl's musings: I Am Where God Wants Me To Be.

cheryl's musings: I Am Where God Wants Me To Be.: "Life is difficult. Money problems, bearing the burdens alone, dealing with adult children who really don't understand me, an exhusband, a..."

Learning About Myself

Throughout my life I have heard one comment repeated to me in a variety of ways.  In the past week, I heard this comment made to me from my daughter and two very dear friends.  In each instance they reference my independent streak.  Yes, I am independent to a fault and I can be stubborn.  This causes me to wonder, is this truly a fault or is it a character trait that simply needs to be fine tuned?

I took up kayaking this summer.  On my very first outing I was addicted.  I have always loved the feeling of floating on the water.  My love of hiking is because of the benefits to my body and my mind. Hiking offers the freedom to experience the beauty of mother earth while walking where ever my legs can take me.  Kayaking takes this experience to a new level. So, I joined a kayaking club and have been on a couple of outings with them.  The problem is that the group is so large  it is difficult to form friendships.  Since my skill level is still considered a beginner I realize that going on the water solo is not safe.  So, if I do go, I go with a someone else. However, I don't want to rely on people who are strangers to me.  River kayaking involves at least two people and two vehicles.  One vehicle at the starting point and another vehicle down river at the ending point to prevent the need to hike miles upriver with a kayak to get back to the  starting point.  The group experience is fine on a lake or flat water where I only need to rely on myself to return to the starting point.  However, I am unwilling to rely on a group of people, who are basically strangers to me with no responsibility to assist anyone else,  to get me back to the starting point.  For this I was told my independent streak is holding me back. I disagree. My independing streak is keeping me safe.

My daughter lives with me and there have been times when tension surfaces.  Most of our clashes have been primarily over clutter or cleaning.  I like a clean and organized living space. My daughter is just fine with clutter.  Although a little clutter, that is picked up after a short time, is sinply part of living in a home.  Clutter that stagnates for months is unacceptable in my home.   It isn't the clutter that is causing the problem, it is her indifference to it.  She had a cooking mishap this week and burned a pot. I shared with her a technique to clean it. After she started the cleaning process, she announced that she needed specific time frames on cleaning my pot because she needs to budget her time.  I ended up doing that chore as well as several other small chores that would have taken only 10 minutes out of her television time.   Later, after I as calmer, I told her I was upset about the situation.  Her response was to tell me that  I am moody and controlling.

Once again I wondered if I was the stubborn child sitting on the front porch steps while the family eats one of my favorite dinners.  Left out because I am too stubborn to relent.  What I realize is that no one is perfect.  Each of us can find a variety of adjectives to describe the different approaches to life.  The kayaking approach I took wasn't about control.  It is about safety.  I can't control every situation but relying on people I don't know in an uncontrolled situation isn't wise.  When I kayak, the cell phone doesn't always have a signal.  The questions is, what if ..for some reason...I was left behind. How would I get myself and my kayak back to my car? If we were on a lake, I could paddle back or leave the kayak and hike back.  Completely different situation. So, if I go on a river I want to at least one partner that I can depend on whether I am with a group or not. As for my daughter, I am 51 and it is important to me to have a home that is a clean and comfortable place to live. My daughter has funds to go on trips and shop but nothing contributes nothing to this household.  At bare minimum her contribution needs be that she makes and effort to ensure she isn't creating additional burden.  That means that she needs to clean up after herself and clutter needs to be put away in a reasonable time frame. 

There are times when I reflect back on a stance I have taken and I will regret my response.  This is not one of those times.  What I am grateful for is that God revealed to me as a young child how important it is to admit our weaknesses and be receptive the the fact that we are prone to be wrong from time to time.  Self reflection with each incident is important to me because if I am wrong I want to realize it in time to make the attempt to apologize and make things right

Learning to "just be."

I am taking time to "just be."  It is Labor day Weekend and I took a few days off with plans to go outdoors and kayak, clean, organize, and hopefully paint.  I did clean, I took a day to get outdoors,I did some reorganizing, and but I can't decide on a  paint color.  Olive green is color of choice but I can't decide on one accent wall or should I to paint the entire living area.  So, this morning I decided accent walls to be painted now and I will tackle the living area one wall at a time.  I am having a girls night gathering at my house in about 7 weeks and the holidays are coming so I am extremely motivated to get the house in order.  Although, right now I am feeling impatient because I am not someone to move slowly once I have a plan of action.

My daughter went kayaking with me. We went to the movie and made a dinner together. It was enjoyable and I felt closer to her this weekend than I have in many years.  Her habit of making a mess and contributing nothing are still a worry for me. However, I think I have decided on an approach to address the subject. with her  My greatest fear is that my relationships with my kids will be as strained as the relationship I have with my mom. I don't want my kids resenting me like we resent my mother. The truth is, that I feel that my daughter sees me as an embarrassment.  I feel as though all she sees is what I haven't done for her. She doesn't realize all that I have done or the sacrifices that I made.  Maybe someday she will have a glimmer of understanding.  I hope so because I do love her.

Yesterday, I had lunch with my son and saw pictures of the baby.  That little girl is Crystal's clone.  If I held her baby picture up next to Crystal's baby picture the resemblance is amazing.  They are having a paternity test done but I after seeing that beautiful baby it is only a formality to protect VJ's rights because the mom, Wendy, has remarried.  The baby's name is Violet Rain.   Once the paternity test confirms the identity, VJ will tell his dad and Crystal.   Interestingly enough I am afraid of seeing the baby and I am afraid of not getting to see her at the same time.  VJ said that being around his daughter feels wierd.  Well, "wierd" is a good word for how I feel too. 

I woke up feeling off today and realized that today is the anniversary of my dad's death.  This weekend I was thinking of him and how much I miss him.  He was such a blessing in my life and there isn't a day that he isn't in my thoughts. 

This past year has been a year of change.  George and I broke up. Don made an entrance into my life after 30+ years and the whole situation was, as always, unsettling.  I reconnected with some lifetime friends, deepened a friendship with existing friends, discovered some new interests, and learned to love myself again. The one thing I had a difficult time with was being alone 24/7 until recently. I tried dating. Blind dates that didn't click and online dating that proved to be a comedy of errors rather than the fun experience we see on the match.come commercials. Frankly, I enjoy a good book and a glass of wine more than any of the dates I have been on.  At one point I decided that I was going to not date and resolved to just grow old alone.  Of course, God in all his wisdom gave me the message that "if you are afraid of commitment then you are not really free...just be."  So, my focus is on learning to "just be" and not become stressed because my house doesn't look like it belongs in a home magazine, my body is not model perfect, and I don't have tons of disposable income for fabulous vacations.  My focus is on what I can control and learning to "just be" while I enjoy what each day has to offer.

The First Step in a New Direction

As mentioned in previous writings, I discovered that my life wasn't moving forward. It felt as though I was stuck in a repetitive cycle that didn't encourage me to grow plus I was still taking care of others.  I have never considered myself to be a selfish person but, all of sudden, I began to feel as though I was just existing and completely unfulfilled. My focus was on everyone and everything except myself.  The turning point came about this week when I responded in a very curt way to someone who didn't deserve it.  We all have that one person in the office who is nosey and/or will often simply not comprehend the fact that they are inconveniencing someone else.  It was this person who was on the receiving end of my harsh words.  The message was correct, the delivery of the message should have been different.

I have never been one to sit idle and meekly accept what life hands me so I was taken back by surprise when I realized where my life was.  This last week has been to contemplate how to initiate change.  It was necessary to identify what I can change now and what  I can plan for in the future. Furthering my education has been on my mind for a few years. There have been a couple of reasons I haven't enrolled in classes and one of them is money.  The other reason is that I have two choices.  The first choice is an additonal associates degree in Paralegal studies.  I could complete a certificate with 7 classes or obtain the Associates with 8 classes and all classes could be taken through a community college with the majority of them taken online and I would be finished in a year.  The other option is to return to University to complete my bachelors. However, I feel that for the immediate, I could get better bang for the buck with the Para Legal. Plus, while I am taking the Para Legal training I can slip in a math class that I need to complete my bachelors degree.  So, I spoke with my manager and she said that if I enrolled the bank I work for will pay  up to $3000 a year to reimburse me for tuition and books if I complete each class with a C or better.  I have an appointment with a counselor next week. 

The next hurdle is to have an other conversation with my adult child who has moved in.  I just paid a huge electric bill that really set me back.  It isn't that I mind the fact that she is here, but there needs to be some consideration for her impact on the household.  My daughter is in her own little world. She has been oblivious to how her actions impacted others ever since I can remember.  When she was small this used to frustrate me to no end.  Nothing has changed.  I am biting my tongue. because when I say something, I want to communicate in way that doesn't alienate her.  In reality, I am not asking for much more than slight contributions.  At the moment I feel that she is treating the living arrangement as though she were in a hotel.  She helps with the house ..only if it is convenient for her to do so.  No financial contribution although she has several trips planned, eats out ofen, and enjoys her regular shopping habits.  I am not certain that another conversation will have an impact but it has to be done.  I am not a maid and I really do need help with the utilities this summer. 

The other item on my agenda is to view my life as a whole. I am alone and there are times when I miss the companionship one receives in a relationship.  Household projects are more enjoyable if done together, cooking dinner, movies, intelligent conversation, the intimacy, and most of all just having someone who cares. However, I don't mind being alone and alone is better than a relationship that has constant conflict.  So, I have started dating.  I met one man, an attorney, we have been to lunch and coffee.  Nice man, no car stopper but not bad looking. The conversation was good and he seems nice.  I met an engineer and we hit it off immediately but I can't figure him out.  He runs hot and cold and after a couple of months we are still doing scheduled dinner dates.  Too much work so I decided to stop the contact.  I met a mechanic who is a very nice guy and really likes me.  The problem is personal hygiene.  Dirty hands, dirty fingernail, needs a haircut, and wears the same clothes the next day..for a date.  He told me he needs a good woman to help him get his life in order.  Nice guy or not, clean is a deal breaker plus I raised my kids I am not looking to raise a third. 

So, I have made strides and I intend to continue moving in a forward motion with my life. I am no longer a parked car. My next focus is not to accept treatment I am not comfortable with.  I need to learn to speak up for myself in a manner that communicates without reflecting my frustration with the situation.

I Am Where God Wants Me To Be.

Life is difficult.  Money problems, bearing the burdens alone,  dealing with adult children who really don't understand me,  an exhusband, and a demanding job.  Only a few of the issues I find myself facing on a daily basis.  However, I know I am exactly where God wants me to be.  I a had a dream full of meaningless events and over the course of several weeks every event has come to pass.  Not one of the events has any meaning to me except to reaffirm the fact that God is watching over me and guiding me. 

My most recent event happened today.  This month has been difficult and the past week I wasn't feeling well, I had an uexpected bill which strained my already strained finances, my workload was intense, and all of this combined with the normal life problems.  This week I was not the easiest person to deal with.  I barked at two   different people in my office and I am avoiding everyone else since my patience...well ... I don't have any patience at the moment. 

Today, from an unexpected source I received the following message:

A wise Cherokee elder was speaking to his grandson about life. He told him that each person has two wolves that live inside of us. 

The first Wolf is called Evil.  Evil is jealous, petty, angry, impatient, selfish, self absorbed, mean, dishonest, and focus's on all of the negative things in life.

The second Wolf is called GOD:  God is kind, patient, generouse, loving, understanding, honest, and his focus is on all of the positive things life has to offer.

The grandson asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The grandfather answered, "Whichever one we feed."

That caused me to look at my day with a new perspective and left me  feeling ashamed of my self pity.  It also renewed my faith that God is watching me and I am exactly where God wants me to be.

The Parking Spot

I learned years ago to be comfortable in my own company.  Growing up in an extremely strict and conservative household during the 1960's and 1970's, I found I was unable to fit in with those who lived in a more liberal home.  At the time I didn't realize how fortunate I was to have parents that taught me that wrong is still wrong, even when everyone else is doing it.  Mom and dad were very "black and white" in their definitions of what was acceptable and they didn't give me much room to deviate from the course.  As a result of not being allowed to participate in activities with others my age, I found myself alone more often than I wanted.  Once again,this was a blessing in disguise because I learned to enjoy my own company. Even today, I need to be left to my own company from time to time. 

Enjoying alone time can be both a blessing and a curse.  I enjoy the company of others and have many friends.  After breaking off a three and a half year relationship last year, I took a few weeks to just let myself hurt.  Then, I decided to reactivate my life.  I scheduled a girl's night at my house, joined a gym, started a book club, and started hiking again.  In other words, I started to enjoy all of the things that I had given up because I didn't have time. The one realization I had almost immediately after the relationship ended  was how much I missed my life. Ending the relationship hurt but it was the best decision for me because I am so much happier. Over the last year I have been pretty much on my own except for one dating experience ....which wasn't really a dating experience ...and was a huge mistake.  However, I digress and this is a topic for another day. 

On my birthday this year I realized that I never expected to be 51 and alone.  I have been divorced 11 years now and had a couple of long relationships. My ex-husband had been married twice and was living a good life but I was still alone and struggling to stay afloat. In December my grown daughter needed help so I took a draw on my 401K and told her to pay me back.  Then she asked if she could live with me until she got back on her feet.  It  is now August and, although my 28 year old daughter makes enough to support herself , she is still living with me for what is turning into an indefinte amount of time while contributing...nothing.  My privacy is compromised, my household routine was compromised, and she walks in each day acting as though she is the one being inconvenienced.   In fact, right now she is out on vacation while I am home struggling to make ends meet. She hasn't finished paying me back and conveniently didn't mention the vacation until the night before she was leaving.

It isn't that I dont love my children. They both mean the world to me. However, for the last 28 years I put their needs above my own and I don't want to be responsible for anyone except myself for a while.  Having my daughter move in isn't the issue. The problem arises because she has the expectation that her contribution should be the same as the contribution of a 16 year old.  She wants to go to grad school, which is a goal that I applaud, but it isn't my burden to bear.  So, I am not going to carry her financially, nor will I guarantee that dinner is on the table, or do her laundry.  That is where we have constant conflict.  My relationship with my own mother is strained. OK, let's be honest. My relationship with my mom is nonexistent because my mom has always put her own needs first.  Again...this is a topic for another post.  The short story is that I don't want my relationship with my daughter to be like the relationship with my mom  so I hesitate to say anything because I want to approach it correctly.

A few months ago I was talking about my concerns with a friend and she asked me, "So, what steps are you taking right now to change things?"  I told her I don't know what to do so I haven't done anything yet. Her reply was "Life is a highway and God helps us navigate but God can't navigate a parked car."  A few weeks later someone asked me "Now that your kids are grown, what are you doing to try and fulfill your dreams?"  At that moment I realized I didn't remember what my dreams were.  Doing nothing to fulfill myself was the worst thing I could do. Life is wonderful but nothing will change if I am not actively trying to bring about change. 

As a first step I talked to my daughter. She was a little defensive at first but things are improving.  Of course, it has only been a few weeks. I signed up for a dance class, joined a dating sight, and accepted a blind date offer.  No love at first sight but I have been on several dates and met several nice men.  I realize that I don't have to grow old alone unless I choose to. I am learning to kayak and started this blog.  The next step is continuing education as soon as I find a way to pay for it.  What I have come to realize is that even if I don't find that special someone I am blessed to have a full life and special people who will accompany me as I travel down life's road.

Lessons Learned

Joel Osteen said something quite profound a few weeks ago. He said that our greatest strengths can also be our greatest handicap.  I reflected on these words for days and realize how insightful they are.  For instance, I can be  incredibly stubborn.  This stubborn streak has helped me stand my ground and refuse to follow the crowd many times.  As a result, I often stay out of trouble when other are tempted to take a different road. The stubborn streak has worked against me too. At times, I only see my own point of view and I can be foiled by my own obstinance.  The first time I realized that not bending could work against me, I was about 5 years old.  I was raised in the country and my mother grew up Mennonite so there was a routine on Sundays.  Sundays meant church in the morning and a large dinner with family and friends in the evening.  I loved these dinners. In the summer we would have cookouts with watermelon and fresh vegetables from our garden. In the cooler months, or when we had special guests, mom would make roast beef with mashed potatoes or fried chicken. Two of my favorites.  One roast beef Sunday afternoon when we had special guests  I got upset over something and, I still do not remember what prompted my anger, I refused to eat.  I marched outside and sat on the front steps to make a point. My stomach rumbled in hunger as the smell of roast beef wafted in the air. The neighbor girl was asked to join us for dinner but she did not join me on the steps.  She made it clear that there was a roast beef dinner inside so this stand was mine alone. Although several people came out to ask me to join them, I went to bed hungry,  Although I knew I should have joined the family at the dinner table, I allowed my pride and obstinance to become vicotorious.  The result was I accomplished nothing except to make myself miserable. 

Since that day, I am not afraid to humble myself and admit when I am wrong.  From time to time even when I feel the decision I make is the best one I question myself.  Once again I see my 5 year old self sitting on the front porch steps suffering through hunger just to make a point. 

One year ago I ended a long relationship with a man I loved.  He has asked me several times over the course of the year to give us a second chance. Each time, it opens old wounds and I find myself wondering when I will stop hurting.  When I analyze the reason to continue to live without him, it makes sense.  Then I ask myself, if this is the right thing why does it still hurt so much?  My head tells me this is the right decision but my heart sees my 5 year old self sitting on the front porch steps as the smells of roast beef makes the stomach rumble.