I learned years ago to be comfortable in my own company. Growing up in an extremely strict and conservative household during the 1960's and 1970's, I found I was unable to fit in with those who lived in a more liberal home. At the time I didn't realize how fortunate I was to have parents that taught me that wrong is still wrong, even when everyone else is doing it. Mom and dad were very "black and white" in their definitions of what was acceptable and they didn't give me much room to deviate from the course. As a result of not being allowed to participate in activities with others my age, I found myself alone more often than I wanted. Once again,this was a blessing in disguise because I learned to enjoy my own company. Even today, I need to be left to my own company from time to time.
Enjoying alone time can be both a blessing and a curse. I enjoy the company of others and have many friends. After breaking off a three and a half year relationship last year, I took a few weeks to just let myself hurt. Then, I decided to reactivate my life. I scheduled a girl's night at my house, joined a gym, started a book club, and started hiking again. In other words, I started to enjoy all of the things that I had given up because I didn't have time. The one realization I had almost immediately after the relationship ended was how much I missed my life. Ending the relationship hurt but it was the best decision for me because I am so much happier. Over the last year I have been pretty much on my own except for one dating experience ....which wasn't really a dating experience ...and was a huge mistake. However, I digress and this is a topic for another day.
On my birthday this year I realized that I never expected to be 51 and alone. I have been divorced 11 years now and had a couple of long relationships. My ex-husband had been married twice and was living a good life but I was still alone and struggling to stay afloat. In December my grown daughter needed help so I took a draw on my 401K and told her to pay me back. Then she asked if she could live with me until she got back on her feet. It is now August and, although my 28 year old daughter makes enough to support herself , she is still living with me for what is turning into an indefinte amount of time while contributing...nothing. My privacy is compromised, my household routine was compromised, and she walks in each day acting as though she is the one being inconvenienced. In fact, right now she is out on vacation while I am home struggling to make ends meet. She hasn't finished paying me back and conveniently didn't mention the vacation until the night before she was leaving.
It isn't that I dont love my children. They both mean the world to me. However, for the last 28 years I put their needs above my own and I don't want to be responsible for anyone except myself for a while. Having my daughter move in isn't the issue. The problem arises because she has the expectation that her contribution should be the same as the contribution of a 16 year old. She wants to go to grad school, which is a goal that I applaud, but it isn't my burden to bear. So, I am not going to carry her financially, nor will I guarantee that dinner is on the table, or do her laundry. That is where we have constant conflict. My relationship with my own mother is strained. OK, let's be honest. My relationship with my mom is nonexistent because my mom has always put her own needs first. Again...this is a topic for another post. The short story is that I don't want my relationship with my daughter to be like the relationship with my mom so I hesitate to say anything because I want to approach it correctly.
A few months ago I was talking about my concerns with a friend and she asked me, "So, what steps are you taking right now to change things?" I told her I don't know what to do so I haven't done anything yet. Her reply was "Life is a highway and God helps us navigate but God can't navigate a parked car." A few weeks later someone asked me "Now that your kids are grown, what are you doing to try and fulfill your dreams?" At that moment I realized I didn't remember what my dreams were. Doing nothing to fulfill myself was the worst thing I could do. Life is wonderful but nothing will change if I am not actively trying to bring about change.
As a first step I talked to my daughter. She was a little defensive at first but things are improving. Of course, it has only been a few weeks. I signed up for a dance class, joined a dating sight, and accepted a blind date offer. No love at first sight but I have been on several dates and met several nice men. I realize that I don't have to grow old alone unless I choose to. I am learning to kayak and started this blog. The next step is continuing education as soon as I find a way to pay for it. What I have come to realize is that even if I don't find that special someone I am blessed to have a full life and special people who will accompany me as I travel down life's road.
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