Lessons Learned

Joel Osteen said something quite profound a few weeks ago. He said that our greatest strengths can also be our greatest handicap.  I reflected on these words for days and realize how insightful they are.  For instance, I can be  incredibly stubborn.  This stubborn streak has helped me stand my ground and refuse to follow the crowd many times.  As a result, I often stay out of trouble when other are tempted to take a different road. The stubborn streak has worked against me too. At times, I only see my own point of view and I can be foiled by my own obstinance.  The first time I realized that not bending could work against me, I was about 5 years old.  I was raised in the country and my mother grew up Mennonite so there was a routine on Sundays.  Sundays meant church in the morning and a large dinner with family and friends in the evening.  I loved these dinners. In the summer we would have cookouts with watermelon and fresh vegetables from our garden. In the cooler months, or when we had special guests, mom would make roast beef with mashed potatoes or fried chicken. Two of my favorites.  One roast beef Sunday afternoon when we had special guests  I got upset over something and, I still do not remember what prompted my anger, I refused to eat.  I marched outside and sat on the front steps to make a point. My stomach rumbled in hunger as the smell of roast beef wafted in the air. The neighbor girl was asked to join us for dinner but she did not join me on the steps.  She made it clear that there was a roast beef dinner inside so this stand was mine alone. Although several people came out to ask me to join them, I went to bed hungry,  Although I knew I should have joined the family at the dinner table, I allowed my pride and obstinance to become vicotorious.  The result was I accomplished nothing except to make myself miserable. 

Since that day, I am not afraid to humble myself and admit when I am wrong.  From time to time even when I feel the decision I make is the best one I question myself.  Once again I see my 5 year old self sitting on the front porch steps suffering through hunger just to make a point. 

One year ago I ended a long relationship with a man I loved.  He has asked me several times over the course of the year to give us a second chance. Each time, it opens old wounds and I find myself wondering when I will stop hurting.  When I analyze the reason to continue to live without him, it makes sense.  Then I ask myself, if this is the right thing why does it still hurt so much?  My head tells me this is the right decision but my heart sees my 5 year old self sitting on the front porch steps as the smells of roast beef makes the stomach rumble.