As mentioned in previous writings, I discovered that my life wasn't moving forward. It felt as though I was stuck in a repetitive cycle that didn't encourage me to grow plus I was still taking care of others. I have never considered myself to be a selfish person but, all of sudden, I began to feel as though I was just existing and completely unfulfilled. My focus was on everyone and everything except myself. The turning point came about this week when I responded in a very curt way to someone who didn't deserve it. We all have that one person in the office who is nosey and/or will often simply not comprehend the fact that they are inconveniencing someone else. It was this person who was on the receiving end of my harsh words. The message was correct, the delivery of the message should have been different.
I have never been one to sit idle and meekly accept what life hands me so I was taken back by surprise when I realized where my life was. This last week has been to contemplate how to initiate change. It was necessary to identify what I can change now and what I can plan for in the future. Furthering my education has been on my mind for a few years. There have been a couple of reasons I haven't enrolled in classes and one of them is money. The other reason is that I have two choices. The first choice is an additonal associates degree in Paralegal studies. I could complete a certificate with 7 classes or obtain the Associates with 8 classes and all classes could be taken through a community college with the majority of them taken online and I would be finished in a year. The other option is to return to University to complete my bachelors. However, I feel that for the immediate, I could get better bang for the buck with the Para Legal. Plus, while I am taking the Para Legal training I can slip in a math class that I need to complete my bachelors degree. So, I spoke with my manager and she said that if I enrolled the bank I work for will pay up to $3000 a year to reimburse me for tuition and books if I complete each class with a C or better. I have an appointment with a counselor next week.
The next hurdle is to have an other conversation with my adult child who has moved in. I just paid a huge electric bill that really set me back. It isn't that I mind the fact that she is here, but there needs to be some consideration for her impact on the household. My daughter is in her own little world. She has been oblivious to how her actions impacted others ever since I can remember. When she was small this used to frustrate me to no end. Nothing has changed. I am biting my tongue. because when I say something, I want to communicate in way that doesn't alienate her. In reality, I am not asking for much more than slight contributions. At the moment I feel that she is treating the living arrangement as though she were in a hotel. She helps with the house ..only if it is convenient for her to do so. No financial contribution although she has several trips planned, eats out ofen, and enjoys her regular shopping habits. I am not certain that another conversation will have an impact but it has to be done. I am not a maid and I really do need help with the utilities this summer.
The other item on my agenda is to view my life as a whole. I am alone and there are times when I miss the companionship one receives in a relationship. Household projects are more enjoyable if done together, cooking dinner, movies, intelligent conversation, the intimacy, and most of all just having someone who cares. However, I don't mind being alone and alone is better than a relationship that has constant conflict. So, I have started dating. I met one man, an attorney, we have been to lunch and coffee. Nice man, no car stopper but not bad looking. The conversation was good and he seems nice. I met an engineer and we hit it off immediately but I can't figure him out. He runs hot and cold and after a couple of months we are still doing scheduled dinner dates. Too much work so I decided to stop the contact. I met a mechanic who is a very nice guy and really likes me. The problem is personal hygiene. Dirty hands, dirty fingernail, needs a haircut, and wears the same clothes the next day..for a date. He told me he needs a good woman to help him get his life in order. Nice guy or not, clean is a deal breaker plus I raised my kids I am not looking to raise a third.
So, I have made strides and I intend to continue moving in a forward motion with my life. I am no longer a parked car. My next focus is not to accept treatment I am not comfortable with. I need to learn to speak up for myself in a manner that communicates without reflecting my frustration with the situation.
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