Learning to "just be."

I am taking time to "just be."  It is Labor day Weekend and I took a few days off with plans to go outdoors and kayak, clean, organize, and hopefully paint.  I did clean, I took a day to get outdoors,I did some reorganizing, and but I can't decide on a  paint color.  Olive green is color of choice but I can't decide on one accent wall or should I to paint the entire living area.  So, this morning I decided accent walls to be painted now and I will tackle the living area one wall at a time.  I am having a girls night gathering at my house in about 7 weeks and the holidays are coming so I am extremely motivated to get the house in order.  Although, right now I am feeling impatient because I am not someone to move slowly once I have a plan of action.

My daughter went kayaking with me. We went to the movie and made a dinner together. It was enjoyable and I felt closer to her this weekend than I have in many years.  Her habit of making a mess and contributing nothing are still a worry for me. However, I think I have decided on an approach to address the subject. with her  My greatest fear is that my relationships with my kids will be as strained as the relationship I have with my mom. I don't want my kids resenting me like we resent my mother. The truth is, that I feel that my daughter sees me as an embarrassment.  I feel as though all she sees is what I haven't done for her. She doesn't realize all that I have done or the sacrifices that I made.  Maybe someday she will have a glimmer of understanding.  I hope so because I do love her.

Yesterday, I had lunch with my son and saw pictures of the baby.  That little girl is Crystal's clone.  If I held her baby picture up next to Crystal's baby picture the resemblance is amazing.  They are having a paternity test done but I after seeing that beautiful baby it is only a formality to protect VJ's rights because the mom, Wendy, has remarried.  The baby's name is Violet Rain.   Once the paternity test confirms the identity, VJ will tell his dad and Crystal.   Interestingly enough I am afraid of seeing the baby and I am afraid of not getting to see her at the same time.  VJ said that being around his daughter feels wierd.  Well, "wierd" is a good word for how I feel too. 

I woke up feeling off today and realized that today is the anniversary of my dad's death.  This weekend I was thinking of him and how much I miss him.  He was such a blessing in my life and there isn't a day that he isn't in my thoughts. 

This past year has been a year of change.  George and I broke up. Don made an entrance into my life after 30+ years and the whole situation was, as always, unsettling.  I reconnected with some lifetime friends, deepened a friendship with existing friends, discovered some new interests, and learned to love myself again. The one thing I had a difficult time with was being alone 24/7 until recently. I tried dating. Blind dates that didn't click and online dating that proved to be a comedy of errors rather than the fun experience we see on the match.come commercials. Frankly, I enjoy a good book and a glass of wine more than any of the dates I have been on.  At one point I decided that I was going to not date and resolved to just grow old alone.  Of course, God in all his wisdom gave me the message that "if you are afraid of commitment then you are not really free...just be."  So, my focus is on learning to "just be" and not become stressed because my house doesn't look like it belongs in a home magazine, my body is not model perfect, and I don't have tons of disposable income for fabulous vacations.  My focus is on what I can control and learning to "just be" while I enjoy what each day has to offer.