The war within

A Cherokee Elder was talking to his Grandson and told him the

story of two wolves that are at war inside of everyone.

The first Wolf is  kind, compassionate, cares about others, and is not judgmental. 

The second Wolf in selfish, greedy, resentful, angry, and negative.

The Grandson asks: Which Wolf wins?

The Cherokee Elder answers:  The one we feed.

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Today is Friday. Yesterday I found myself sitting in my office staring into space as I tried to determine how to schedule the next few days.  My dog Princess had an appointment with the vet to have a tumor removed and biopsied. Although my kids offered to take her and pick her up, my dogs are like children to me. I couldn't bear not to be there for her.  Monday and Tuesday were already scheduled for time off and I worried that if I took  an extra day I might fall too far behind in my work.  However, I am caught up and can work late next week if necessary so I put in the request.  After approving the time, my boss stopped by my office for a friendly chat.  He said  he was curious about my plans because it seems to him that I am always doing something,  His next comment surprised me because he said that he is amazed because I am not afraid to live life.

His words "not afraid" made me smile because the truth is that I am afraid. I am afraid of trying something new, I am afraid of the regret I will feel if I miss the opportunity to have a new experience, I am afraid of giving too much of myself, and I am afraid of not giving enough.  Each time I try something new, I automatically experience that sense of self doubt.  If I start a serious discussion with someone important to me I worry that I will do damage to the relationship.  I worry about living my life like my mom does and ending up as a bitter and angry woman who cuts anyone, including family and friends, out of her life for the slightest reason. In spite of this, I try to not let my insecurities paralyze me into inaction.  Living my life isn't about avoiding the things that make me uncomfortable, it is about working through the fear it so it doesn't hold me back.

Throughout my life I have seen God work miracles.  I truly believe that I am exactly where God wants me to be.  When my life is challenging, or I am not satisfied, I know God is trying to push me out of my comfort zone into a new direction. Like most people, I like to be in my comfort zone.  That familiar place where there are no big surprises.  However, I know I can't grow to be the person God wants me to be if I never experience new things.  When my comfort zone is no longer comfortable, I know it is time to expect a change. The first step is to conquer the fear within while I take on a new challenge. 

My favorite bible story is the one about David and Goliath.  A child and his sling shot saving  the town from a giant.  The moral of this story isn't about David's expertice with the slingshot.  It is that David realized God is bigger than the problem.  Each time I face fear, I remind myself of little David facing a Giant because he knew God was bigger than the problem in front of him.  No matter what challenge I face, God is bigger than that problem too. He is bigger than the challenge, my fear, my grief, and my insecurities. 

Of course, this sounds great on paper but I am so very human.  I spent years carrying around a package of guilt, regret, grief, resentment, and anger.  Throughout my life I have made mistakes, I have been wrongly accused, I have been alienated by family because I am not living my life according to their standards, and I have had to make the best of things with limited resources at my disposal and hope it is enough.  About ten years ago someone told me that I can't control others, I can only control my own response.  If I allow the negative feelings to occupy my mind and heart, I would be allowing someone who hurt me to live rent free in my soul and that gives them control.  When I allow negative thoughts to control my thinking, it is a tool of the enemy to distract me from seeing what God wants me to see.

I miss my father the most during the holidays.  Instead of allowing sadness to permeate my being, I focus on how grateful I am to have had such a wonderful father.  I take time to enjoy the memories and be grateful for them.  He taught me to appreciate the earth and create memories with my own children.  I often wonder how a mother can discard a child like an old newpaper and refuse to see her grandchildren.  Instead of focusing on much hurt my mother has caused me, I focus on what I can do differently so I won't hurt my family as she hurt ours.  I may be without my mother in my life but look at what she is missing.  She lost two daughters who are there for her in spite of her rejection. My mother lost the opportunity to know her grandchildren an watch them grow, and she lost the opportunity to watch her great grandchildren. 

The bible says that love is patient and kind. In reality, people are much too human for labels like these to be used as a definition of love.  I think love is really about acceptance.  No one is perfect, no situation is perfect, no one's response is perfect,  but the flaws are what make us who we are. Love is about trying to be patient, kind, and loving someone ...imperfections and all.  Love is not focusing on the what we didn't do right.  Love is accepting  an error in judgment and then keeping the focus on what we didn't do wrong.  After all, if anyone is waiting for perfection they will never find it.  When we allow anger, grief, or regret to control our thoughts it only serves to distract us from seeking out our true potential and keeps us from going where God wants us to be.