Finding Delight in Ordinary Moments

In the year 2000 I saw a movie with Meg Ryan, Diane Keaton, and Lisa Kutrow called Hanging Up.  The movie was promoted as a comedy, but I found it to be dark and depressing.  As I watched a story unfold about three sisters who had grown distant, but suddenly find themselves forced to cooperate, as they take on responsibility for their ailing father who is in need of a lifestyle change. However, his resistance to the change, and the sisters attempts to share care giving time, creates another layer of conflict. At the time, I  simply could not relate.  Today I can.

Taking responsibility for an aging parent is tiring and I feel older than I ever have.  It is like having an adult child in my home some of the time and the other times I have an obstinate old woman who is angry with me because her independence has been taken away. Irregardless of what personality emerges from my mother  life is  challenging.

I have two sisters. One is unable to take care of her and the other openly states that she doesn't want the inconvenience.  Over the years, mom has effectively alienated everyone else so I am the only one who will take her.  It isn't as though I don't have a choice. I do have a choice.  My choice is to do what I feel is the right thing to do and families should take care of each other.  This is what differentiates a family member from a relative.

Taking on this responsibility has forced me to sacrifice a large part of my social life and activities that I love.  The light at the end of the tunnel is that I realize that it isn't going to be forever.  This too shall pass.  So, to keep my sanity, each day I try to find moments that delight me.  A quiet bus ride to work with a great read, lunch and conversation with a good friend, yoga and meditation, time with my granddaughter, walking my dogs, or making time to sit outside and watch the stars are a few of my delightful moments. 

When life is difficult,  friendships are tested.  It took less than a week to discover the loyalty of a few friends and reaffirm the loyalty of a few others.  I can only say that I am  blessed with wonderful friends, and this delights me.

The relationship with my mother is a different situation. Since our relationship has always been  strained, how she responds to me depends on which side of my mother emerges at that particular moment.   When she is fully cognizant I get a person who is stubborn,  obstinate, and not very nice.  The other mother is a sweet woman.  If there is a bright side to this situation I would say that it gives me the chance to see the sweeter side of her. 

However, my mother's stubborn streak amuses me.  She has memory lapses but refuses to acknowledge that she forgets and she  is in denial about her significant hearing loss. It took me two months before I was finally able to convince her that she needs a hearing aid.  She kept insisting  that hearing aids are for old people. I finallyconvinced her that 86 is old enough to qualify. What closed the deal was telling her that she is giving people an opportunity to talk about her without her knowing.    I  can hardly wait until she has that little device in her ear. My throat hurts from yelling  into her ear so she can hear me.  She keeps the television  at full volume when she is watching it and then she  doesn't understand why no one will watch TV with her. Mom can clear a room just by grabbing the television remote.

 Even at full volume, she struggles to hear the television but she will not admit it.  A few days ago I came home and asked her what she was watching. "Oh, it is really good mystery." She says.  I told her "OK, what is it about?"   She replies,"I lost track when you came in"  I turned away so she couldn't see me laughing .  The program was a news program and it was in Spanish. Today I came home and asked what she was watching.  She tells me it is a police program.  I smiled as I walked away because she was watching Friday the 13th.  However, I can vacuum when my mother is sleeping and she doesn't hear a thing.  This does have it's advantages.

Going to the store is an afternoon event.  I won't take the risk of putting her in a motorized cart so it takse 20 minutes to walk from the car to the front of the store.  She needs a walker but I realize that progress comes one battle at a time. 

I know that she needs more care than I can give her but she refuses to admit that she needs a lifestyle change. As I research care giving situations, I am looking for a situation that will help her preserve as much of her independence and dignity as possible, for as long as possible.  There is hope because even if she doesn't like me, I learned that she respects me enough to trust me.  On the other hand, she  also sees me as the obstacle between her ability to drive or live in her home alone. She loves my dogs and  my cooking,  but not my clothes or my coffee.   I learned this because she told me, when she forgot who I was, and thought that she was talking to one of my sisters. That was another one of those delightful moments.    

So I am making sacrifices, as much for myself as for her, but I only hope that somewhere inside she will find some good memories of this time with me.  Our relationship is still difficult, but maybe in time we can move beyond the tension that we have always had in the past to at least accept each other.  If nothing changes then at least I can  look myself in the mirror with no regrets and say that I genuinely tried. One of the good things that has emerged from this is that I have once again learned to appreciate the small joys that I had previously taken for granted.  This realization, in and of itself, is another delightful  moment.

A Series of Moments

 Waylon Jennings lyric: "I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane."

 

Penny Marshall recently did an interview  to discuss her new book where she talks about a difficult mother, poor choices, and her philosophy about everything which is summed up as “If it isn’t fun why do it?” She said that the Waylon Jennings quote helps her to keep her perspective so she keeps it in a frame on her bathroom wall.

 

Reading that interview was my “Ah Ha” moment. Recently I have been struggling to find balance due to circumstances that I have limited control over.  Every day, for a couple of months now, I have poured myself a large glass of ‘whine’ .  Self-pity is not my style and I feel like I have betrayed my own life philosophy which says that change is inevitable but how it changes is up to me.  Within seconds of having my “Ah Ha” moment everything took on a much brighter outlook.

 

My sister took my 86 year old mother for a weekend visit so I had the weekend to myself for the first time in months.  That “Ah Ha” moment caused me to make a commitment to just enjoy the moments, one moment at a time.  Caring for someone with Alzheimer Disease or Dementia is draining but it is also just a series of moments.  No two moments are the same. Some moments are heartbreaking, others are frustrating, and then we have moments that make me laugh so hard that I can’t breathe.  I vowed to focus on the ones that make me laugh.

 

When  my sister brought her home, we took mom to Wal-Mart and my sister requested a motorized cart that she could ride in. After a few false starts, mom gripped the handlebars, hunched over with a look of determination on her face, and took off down the aisle almost knocking over a stack of Halloween decorations.  My sister and I looked at each other in surprise and then I took off at a quick pace in an attempt to try and slow her down.

 Mom can’t hear but refuses to wear a hearing aid (because hearing aids are for old people) so I can’t get her attention unless she actually sees me. The challenge here is that she couldn’t see me because I was running behind her.   As we approach the other end of the store, she turned the cart into an aisle so quickly that I was surprised she didn’t leave skid marks on the tile.  My pace has now increased to a quick trot and, as I hurry down the aisle behind her, I am offering apologies to the people who backed against the store shelves to avoid being run over.  Finally, at the end of the aisle I caught up with her, but only because she paused while trying to decide which way to turn.  I suggested that she slow down but she merely reminds me that her dad used to drive race cars for a hobby… he taught her…. she is a great driver … this thing turns on a dime and stops on the fly…and she hasn’t hit anyone yet…etc.  I reminded her that this is not a car, or a motorcycle, pedestrians are everywhere, and this isn’t the expressway so it would be best if she went slowly. Her face took on a look of pure stubbornness as she pressed her little lips together so tight that for a moment I thought the point of her chin was going to touch the tip of her nose. 

I realize that this is part of her fight to retain her independence but I felt my positive outlook slip away until my sister finally caught up to us.  She took one look at mom’s face and told her that her cart knocked over some merchandise at the end of the aisle. She reminded her that if she breaks anything she may need to pay for it. Mom may have memory issues but she consistently knows exactly how much money is in her purse.  Money is a great motivator where mom is concerned so she agreed to slow down.

  

Some people were trying to exit the aisle and, as I smile apologetically to them, the man tells me not to worry about it. The man said to my mom “You maneuver that very well ma-am.” 

I smiled at him as Mom asked me “What did he say?” 

I didn’t want to lie but I don’t want to encourage the little speed demon either so I lean in and tell her “He said the cart stops on a dime.” 

She only nods and pushes the lever to accelerate.  Within a few seconds we found ourselves chasing after her again.

 

After the Wal-Mart adventure, we went to a nearby restaurant for dessert.  As we sat down at our table I look up to see the family who mom nearly collided with in Wal-Mart.  We said hello and I apologized again. He laughed and said “It is OK.  My wife and I were betting how long it would take her to ‘pop a wheelie’ in that thing.”

 

We had an enjoyable conversation but mom was struggling to hear.   At one point mom couldn’t hear me when I asked her what type of dessert she wanted so I repeated it louder and louder until the waitress came over with a look that clearly said ‘Stop yelling at that poor old woman.’   The waitress then asked her sweetly if she would like more ice tea, then repeated it louder, and louder.  Finally my mom replied loudly ‘No, I don’t need the bathroom!”  I gave the waitress my best “I told you so” look and suggested that she just pour the tea. 

 

Our new friends, and a few others, were trying to hold back laughter so I turned and said  "Do you see that blue car over there?”  As they nod  I said “That is my car. If you go to Wal-Mart and see that car ...enter with caution.  If you go in, you take the risk that Grandma is in the store cruising the aisles.  You still have options though.  Target is right across the street.” 

Watching us laugh my mother asked me "What did you say Cheryl?"

I reply " I was wondering if Target has one of the scooter carts like Wal-Mart has.  Let's try it next time and see which one is faster."

Mom laughed and then she says  “You know, Cheryl,  I may need to get a hearing aid .  I think that my hearing is going  bad!”  

  A series of moments that turn into memories is what life is all about.

 

Forgiveness Is A Process

My mother has been with me for a little over two months now and I have accepted the fact that   my life will be significantly impacted for a while to come.   I work on helping mom heal her physical self and give her a nutrient rich diet, incorporate mentally stimulating activities, and some type of daily exercise. As a result I have noticed that some of the confusion has  cleared although her level of clarity still varies throughout the day. There is no doubt that my mother will never again be the independent woman that she once was.    Her response to me varies between  childlike confusion and the difficult woman I have always known. 

“It takes two people to make a lie work: the person who tells it, and the one who believes it.”
― Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts

At times she starts demanding that I take her home but she is coming to accept that returning home is not an option.  However, she  made it abundantly clear that her only reason for staying with me is because "it is cheaper."  Mom has always been narcissistic and this has not changed.  Each evening I come home to a woman who angry that I went to work while she was left at home with not enough to keep her entertained. When I leave the house for my own doctor or hair appointments I always invite her to come out with me.  She refuses to go yet when I come home she is angry that the two hours I was gone was too long. If I clean  house, sit down to pay bills, or call my daughter she is upset that I am not keeping her company. I never hear the words "Thank You" or "Please." The complaints are endless and one day I asked why she just didn't stop complaining and just be thankful that she has family to  help her... maybe even say thank you every now and again.  She said "I don't have to say that to you." Then she turned and walked indignantly out of the room.  When she makes demeaning comments she will never apologize. She tells me that I misunderstood.  Recently she told me I am single because I am homely.  When I told her that her words were unkind and undeserved   she replied, "You misunderstood.  I never said  you were ugly, I just said you are not pretty."  This is the woman I grew up with and the only difference is that my father isn't here to pull me aside and tell me how wonderful I am.

When you're different, sometimes you don't see the millions of people who accept you for what you are. All you notice is the person who doesn't.”
― Jodi Picoult, Change of Heart

I am not certain if her antagonistic approach is pronounced because of the Alzheimers, or if I had forgotten how truly difficult she can be, but she is actually a very social  person and gets on well with other people.  I am of the opinion that she would thrive in a senior community where she could join activities, go on  outings, develop her own social circle, and make time to go on an outing or for  a family dinner  once or twice a week with me.  This would allow her to feel independent and we could focus on a relationship of choice rather than have our relationship be one of obligation and dependence.    However, when I tried to convince her to take a tour of  a senior   condominium community she took one look at the front entry,  said some unkind things about old people, and then took off walking faster than I knew she had the ability to walk.  My sister, who was with me, stood in stunned disbelief as I tried to stop her.  I caught up with her, about three blocks down, and then  it took us an entire hour to convince her to get back in the car.

A change is needed. Not only because it is better for my mother but a change is in my own best interest as well.   Although my mother can care for her own basic needs, she can be a very difficult person to live with. Over the last few months my stress level is up, I barely have time to tend to my obligations, and I have no time to pursue any of the activities that brings me pleasure.  My dogs  have not had a decent walk in over a month, I have no opportunity to exercise, do volunteer work, read a book, or spend time with friends.

One person, who has known me for years, asked me why I would take on the responsibility of caring for my mother.  She said "You are doing more for her now than she would do for you."  The statement has truth in it but, if I am to be completely honest,  I am not  doing this only for her.  I am also doing this for me.

A good friend of mine, who has been through something similar, told me that I need to take time for myself and not feel guilty about it.  I also need to set boundaries with others.  He told me that if I don't respect my own life no one else will.  He is right but sometimes change is a process

A different person told me that 'this is an opportunity to create better memories so just be patient. Learn to accept, and forgive.'  Well, she is right and she is wrong. This is an opportunity to create better memories but it  takes more than just me to accomplish that.  Although I am willing to forgive, I will not accept.  Acceptance is like telling oneself that change for the better is not possible so there is no point in trying to get to a better place.  I will not accept this situation as it is now and I  intend to work toward a change that is better for all of us.  Forgiveness is being wise enough to know that we are all imperfect people, while giving us room to be human, but at the same time we are saying saying "I understand we are all human but repeating what you did is not acceptable. " So I will forgive, and later I may need to forgive again because,  like change, sometimes forgiveness is a process too.

For me, there really is a big difference between forgiveness and acceptance. If you forgive someone, you aren't necessarily saying that what the person did was right. What you're saying is, "I'm not giving you the power to make me a victim. I'm not going to let you invade my mind and make me hate you." Forgiveness is not for the other person. It's for yourself. That's the way I see it. Whereas acceptance is really more of a caving in, as far as I'm concerned. It's saying, "What you did, I'm okay with."

Jodi Piccoult



 

Laughter In The Face of Family Drama

“He who laughs……………...lasts”

Erma Bombeck, Forever, Erma

My parents had four children, of which,  I am the youngest.  The age gap between myself and my siblings spans more than a decade so I naively assumed that the older siblings would be the ones to take on primary responsibility for our aging parents. I should have known better because I was always the one who received the calls for help.   Now I find myself caring for my mother, who I have always had a difficult relationship with and who believes she is much younger than her 86 years,  while the rest of my clan plants themselves on my doorstep.  

My sisters and I were  raised by the same two parents, yet we each evolved into completely different people. This  becomes very apparent each time we communicate.  What keeps me sane through all of this is humor.  Erma Bombeck’s book titled “Family: The Ties that Bind…and Gag” has been a favorite read for years and her book reminds me that every situation has a humorous side.  At this point in my life it is easy to relate to what she wrote and I will be forever grateful for her words.  She was a wise woman and her writing helped me see the humor in my own family dynamics.  All I need to do is  observe the participants. 

Mom was diagnosed in the early stages of Alzheimer Disease and is no longer able to live on her own.  My brother passed away so there are only my two sisters and myself to take care of her. Every family member has their positive and negative traits. While I am no exception to this rule, the additional challenge is that I have been estranged from my mother... by her choice... for many years, and  my sisters can be as challenging as my mother’s situation.   I wonder if the angst amongst us is because each of us is so different from the other.  If one were to look closely they would see that there are commonalities but the differences outnumber them. 


One of my sisters is well educated and, in her youth, was very beautiful with a wonderful career.  I spent most of my life listening to my  mom comparing us to her.  However, today she struggles with addiction, is unemployed, and relies on government assistance to survive.  She  blames everyone except her own choices for where her life is today.  However, mom is still comparing us to woman she used to be.  Some things just never change. 

My other sister has a flamboyant personality and aligns heself with the ditzy blonde crowd.  She got married right out of high school,  for many years lived a conservative life as an ultra feminine housewife, went to church every Sunday, and let her husband to do her thinking for her.  I spent my youth listening to her lecture me on living a lifestyle that was “too worldly.”   Today she is no longer conservative, and rarely goes to church, but  she is still flamboyant and a ditzy blond.  Although, at the moment  she is a ditzy redhead.   She has a job but her funds are for her own enjoyment and she has never in her life had to pay a bill to survive.This sister proclaims that she is independent but starts every sentence with “My husband says….” To be honest, I have had little contact with her outside of a Christmas card for years.

I realized that humor would help me when this sister told me about going to the casino and spending $20 to play the slots.  As she entered her very last quarter she won $15.  She said “I was so excited that I came out ahead by winning the extra $15 that I took myself out to dinner.”  I asked “How did you come out ahead?”  She said excitedly, “Because I won $15!!”  I smiled and asked her “So, you went in with $20?”  She nods so I ask “You won $15?”  She nods again and says “You see, I won $15!”  Then I ask, “So, if you walk in with $20 and walk out with $5 less....…exactly how is it that you came out ahead?” 

The look of astonished realization on her face kept me laughing for days. 

  

As for myself, I have always been called the ‘fluff and granola’ sister because I enjoy hiking boots as much as much as I enjoy high heels. I love being  active and getting close to nature but I have sisters who think that they are roughing it if a hotel room has no room service.   

My mother is a stubborn 86 year old who is in old age denial.  She adamantly refuses to use her cane or a hearing aid because she insists that these items are only for old people.  As a result,  it takes us twenty minutes to help her shuffle from the car to the door of my house and the television volume is keep at a level that is so far above loud it can only be described as OMG.    

At the guardianship hearing, I appeared with my mother and my oldest sister.  I wore business attire and my mother sat next to me clinging to my hand wearing a dress I had purchased for her.  The sister with addiction issues didn't put in an appearance but the other sister appeared at the hearing with her spikey red hair, lots of cosmetic to emphasize the shocked expression resulting from her latest cosmetic procedure, extra jewelry, a bright turquoise and gold colored tunic covered in sequins which was complimented by white sequined leggings that had fake diamonds up the sides, a leather strap with fake diamonds around her ankle, and she finished her ensemble with sparkling silver sandals complimented by a matching handbag covered in bling.  It was actually a flattering ensemble but it made her stand out in a courtroom full of business suits.  As I sat down I was grateful that my sister was there .... bling and all.  Somehow, during this time of stress, it was reassuring to see my oldest sister standing strong and just being true to who she is.  I felt a sense of pride as I listened to her reply to the judge intelligently and with confidence. It was at this moment when I realized that, although neither of us had the perfect mother, we are both striving to be the best daughters that my mother will allow us to be.

Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.

ERMA BOMBECK, Family: The Ties that Bind ... And Gag

If Erma Bombeck were here today I would write her a letter and express my gratitude.  Her words help me keep my perspective and my sanity.  What is more important is that she helped me to find the laughter in the in the face of family drama.

Believe

Due to recent concerns over elderly parent issues I find it necessary to make the trip home several times a month.  When I go back to my hometown, I look at my old neighborhood which was once a place of tree lined streets and middle class homes.  The area is now just a neighborhood of old houses, some of which are remodeled into their former beauty, but my mother’s home is not one of these. She is an old woman who insisted on staying in a home she could no longer maintain which meant that the house deteriorated faster than she could complete the repairs.  For me, the current view is both nostalgic and disheartening.  Miranda Lambert’s song “The House That Built Me” has a line in it that says “they say you can’t go home again.”   I can go home, and the memories are still there, but home is not the same. Time waits for no one, houses deteriorate, people age, and most people change as they mature.

 

However, some things still have not changed.  This crisis with my mother made it necessary to reconnect with one particular person who has the ability to deliver an insult with such a sweet voice it almost dilutes the fact that she is actually being mean. It is as though this person has perfected the art of communicating cruel comments so skillfully that it takes a moment before most people pick up on the fact that there is poison in her words. There was no difference this time and I quickly realized that she had not changed.  She was still hurling honey covered insults.  The difference is that her words now lack the power to hurt  like they once did. I found myself seeing her through new eyes and wondered why she ever had the ability to make an impact on me in the first place.  Perhaps I see things differently because life has taught me that those who belittle others do so because they feel small or worthless themselves.

Some of the most merciless behavior ever perpetrated looks very nice. The sweeter a lie sounds, the meaner it really is.  Meanness emerges when we believe that we have no power, that we’re passive receptors of life’s vagaries. Inner peace follows when we begin responding to cruelty—our own and other people’s—with the authority we’ve possessed all along. " Martha Beck"

 

Looking at this person I now realize that if I met this person outside of the family circle, she is not someone I would ever choose as a friend.  She is certainly not someone I admire.  For a brief moment I wondered; did she change or did I? 

 

“No one can make you a victim without your consent.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

 

I have matured into the person I am because of the people, good and bad, who have touched my life over the years.  As an older and wiser version of myself I now know that I am the one who is ultimately responsible for the person I have become and, since I like the person I am, I refuse to define my value through the comments of others. As a result, I found that it was the change in my own attitude which rendered this person powerless to hurt me.  I also know that because of my mother’s failing health, and the family dynamics, I will be need to see her from time to time. However, she is now a mere detail that I am forced to deal with because the old feeling of intimidation is no longer there.  I refuse to engage in a war of words that will only encourage and empower her.  Some people live in a state of conflict and do not understand any other way.  My response is to just shrug my shoulders and say "Well, you and I are different people." Then I walk away.  Although this person remains unchanged, I now know that I have changed.  

 

                    

I believe that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

 I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are but we are responsible for who we become.

"I Believe" Author unknown.

 

I believe that every experience has its purpose. Bad things happen and we are all faced with someone who attempts to destroy the confidence we have in ourselves at some point in our lives.  There are situations that we cannot always control. However,we do have choices which will either give or relinquish the power we have over ourselves.  Our power comes from the choices we make.  We can choose how we respond and we can choose how we move forward.

 

 

 

The Just In Time Theory

Someone asked me once if I am afraid of dying. My answer is no. Death is not what scares me. I am afraid of pain, I am more afraid that I will die and the special people in my life won’t know how much I care about them, but my greatest fear is that time will pass until suddenly I realize that, not only did I not attain my dreams,  the opportunity had passed because I waited too long.

This is on my mind at the moment because my mother is living my greatest fear. Through the years she had a variety of excuses for not making time to truly live and her relationships with special people are now nonexistent. There was always tomorrow to make time for living because she had other things to do.  The people in her life were treated like an old newspaper that needed to be tossed when they outlived their usefulness. What saddens me is the fear and regret that are evident in her eyes when I hear her talk. Mom is in poor health and exhibiting signs of dementia. During one of her lucid moments she understood that we are giving her a desperately needed lifestyle change. She became upset as she said “No!  I had it all planned. Now I am finally ready to work on my house and do the traveling I have always wanted to do.”  I didn't reply because words wouldn't come.  How do you tell someone that they waited too long and the opportunity is gone?


On the radio I heard someone asking for advice from a radio talk show host. He said that he always worried about the future. His focus was on saving every penny and making certain he had supplies to last him at least one year. He felt that disaster could happen at any time so he waited and prepared. When his wife left him, he began rethinking his life style. His question  to the talk show host was to ask if he should payoff the house. He had the funds in savings to pay off his house and car but was afraid he would need the funds if the economy plunged further down than it already had. The talk show host told him that he is living his life through fear which is not truly living. This host went on to say that he needs to turn off the talk radio and begin living his life through faith because even if we spend every minute and every penny preparing there are still no guarantees.



This line of thinking follows the  philosopher Pascal who subscribed to the “Just in Case Theory.” Pascal said that “all things are obscure so we must prepare for what we cannot see.” Yet, most successful businesses operate by the “Just in Time Theory” which states that we should focus on ‘now’ while remaining open to change.  Stockpiling inventory for future reserves actually drives up costs and reduces revenues. The 'Just in Time Theory' is like living on faith. Yet, it is so easy to get caught up in our daily living that we postpone and began to live according to the "Just in Case Theory."   Then one day we look up and realize that the kids are grown, our health is failing, and life went on but it passed us by.


Taking steps to change the lifestyle of an uncooperative parent when there are no other options is one of the more difficult things I have had to do. The fact that this parent hasn’t wanted anything to do with me in fifteen years creates its own set of unique challenges. I think that the only positive in this situation is that she struggles to remember who I am and, when she does, she doesn’t remember that she doesn’t like me. However, she always remembers the goals that she never accomplished.  This is a reminder that time marches on irregardless so I need to stop making excuses and start making plans. The time to truly live  life is now.

Absolute Thinking

There are a few things in my  life that I will be eternally grateful for.  What tops this list are my family.  However, not all of my family shares my DNA.  Most of the people who I count as family come from friendships that have evolved into something closer. 

Society's definition of family is an absolute definition of shared bloodlines while  the definition of friendship is more of a mercurial relationship that can dissipate at any second. Yet, I have relatives that I would never consider family. On the flip side, I have several friends that are more like my family than some of my relatives have ever been. I think this is the danger in absolute thinking.  Assumptions are often wrong and, since life doesn't come with a set of directions, sometimes the answer is not as simple as yes or no.

 Recently, I went through  several stressful weeks with a family issue.  During that time, my friends were there to offer support and help in whatever way they could. Once life began to settle into a normal pattern I  met my friends for dinner at our favorite haunt.  This time, the conversation took a more sombre turn as we shared  how much we value our friendship.  One of ladies shared that, years ago when she first met me, she didn't like me very much. She said that she thought I was unapproachable.  As she grew to know me better, she realized I am nothing like her first impression. and she loves me like a sister.

My friend "G" and I were discussing this conversation later.  What neither of us shared with that particular friend is that we didn't like her much at first either because her attempts to get acquainted were too intrusive. The truth is that "G" and I are both very reserved until we know someone better.  "G" and I have similar backgrounds and have felt the sting of betrayal so, although we are both freindly to everyone,  neither of us  will  open up on a more personal level to just anyone. Our other friend is the social butterfly who wants to know all about everyone at first meeting and does not hesitate to ask personal questions.  She can be downright nosey and doesn't understand that not everyone wants to share everything about themselves with her right away.  Her motive is pure but someone, who is reserved like myself, can find her approach to be offensive.  Our friendships didn't just happen. The relationships evolved through shared experiences that allowed us to gain a better understanding of each other.

"A friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg and overlooks the fact that you are half cracked."

Author Unknown

 I heard someone say once that friends are like onions.  We need to peel back the layers to discover the true essence of who a persons truly is.  Sometimes that first impression is right and is also wrong. An example is my friend's first impression of me.  She was correct.  I was unapproachable to someone who was trying to know too much too soon.  As she grew to know me better she discovered that I am reserved but once I open up she witnessed a person she could relate to. With time a friendship developed.

I think that this is where the danger lies in absolute thinking.  We form an opinion based on an assumption. When that assumption doesn't hold up it forces out us out of our comfort zone and we must re-evaluate what we initially deemed to be absolute. By the end of our conversation "G" and I had decided that sometimes the answer isn't yes or no because it can actually be both.