Valentines Day

As a single woman, I look forward to, but I also dread, the arrival of Valentines Day.   This is a day when my friends and I usually plan a girl's night out with good food, good conversation, and a bottle of wine.  However, this is also the day when well meaning friends began issuing lamentations of concern because I am not attached.  My single status has always stood out during the week of  February 14th,  reminding friends and family that I am flying solo.


My sister wanted me to come up North to attend an outing with her and her husband on Valentines Day.  I declined because Valentines is Friday so it conflicted with my work schedule, I didn't want to intrude on their Valentine celebration, plus I already had other plans for the weekend so going up North would not leave time for chores.  I assured her I am fine on my own but will come up later in the month.  This year, as usual, a couple of married male friends began to quiz me on why I am single and asked why I am not investing most of my time looking for a mate.  At first, I was offended but then I realized that both of these men are very happy in their marriages and only want the same for me.  So, I said something I knew would make them stop.  I shrugged and then told them that I am too ugly.  They were speechless at first and then we had a good laugh.  The subject never came up again.

In my opinion, Valentines Day  is a Hallmark holiday to help merchants boost their sales.  Yes, I realize that this sounds a bit cynical, and I suppose it is a cynical attitude, but Valentines Day was not originally marked as a day of romantic love.  History has  a few versions of how the day originated but this day was originally designated in history to honor St. Valentine for his stances on Christianity and marriage.  How this day has been re-created into a day of engagement rings and long stemmed roses requires more historical analysis than I am willing to invest in at this time.

The news media spews out a lot of nonsense that ranges from the joy of being single to ideas on how make this Valentines Day stand out from everyone else's presentation of Valentines Day.  In my opinion, Valentines Day should not be a contest and, although being single is not ideal, being married to the wrong person isn't ideal either.  Attached or single, their are pros and cons each way.  Even when I am in a relationship, I have always preferred to keep Valentines Day low key.  Two dozen long stemmed red roses are not any more significant that one  long stemmed red rose (except the price) and a marriage proposal should be a personal moment between two people, not a contest to see who does it best for the world to see.

Over the years I have received the traditional flowers, balloons, teddy bears, and jewelry but my favorite Valentines Day ever was when a boyfriend tried to make me some heart shaped cookies that he had decorated with sweet sayings on them.  He had never made a cookie in his life so they were far from perfect. However,  I appreciated the effort so much that I still have a picture of those cookies even though we have not been together for years. 

It seems that Valentines Day has become a day to elevate single awareness while sending a message to  those in relationships that a lot of money is necessary to show how much love they have for their partner and  whatever they do on that day,  needs to be done in a way that outshines all other Valentines Day celebrations.  What some people forget in all of this flash and dash is that love isn't about the roses and diamonds. Love is trying to make cookies to send a loving message, going out at 3a.m. to get medicine or personal items for our significant other when we would rather be sleeping, or making time in our own busy schedule to complete a chore that will help our partner on their busiest day.  These things are what true love, romantic and otherwise, is all about. While the roses and diamonds are nice, they are not essential. Love, in all forms, is about the intangible things while the Valentines Day flash is just glitter to make a relationship look extra pretty one day a year.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentines Day weekend.


 

Reaching For The Stars

"...many of us operate as if Simon Cowell is doing a play-by-play of our work, wardrobe and snack choices. One team of researchers has dubbed this phenomenon the “spotlight effect.” In the beam of imaginary spotlights, many of us suffer untold shame and create smaller, weaker, less zestful lives than we deserve. Terrified that the neighbors might gossip, the critics might sneer, the love letter might fall into the hands of evil bloggers, we never even allow our minds to explore what our hearts may be calling us to do. These efforts to avoid embarrassment often keep us from imagining, let alone fulfilling, the measure of our destiny. To claim it, we need to develop a mental dimmer switch."

Martha Beck

My personal philosophy has always been that it is easier to teach a skill than it is to teach an attitude.  The attitude defines how each of us will approach life in general, how a person responds to adverse conditions, and how receptive one will be at learning a new skill.   I believe that  attitude is actually a greater barometer for success  than skill ever could be. Yet there have been times when I have allowed myself to be defined by my own lack of skill.  I held back because I was not perfect and, in doing so, I conformed to the expectations of others rather than pursuing my dreams .... which later left me frustrated with myself because I didn't have the courage to try. It was my attitude that held me back and, because attitude is what drives confidence, the two need to be working in unison to guide me out of the murky waters of "I am afraid to try" into a world of "Maybe I should try."  

Perhaps this fear of failure emerged because I didn't want others to see me as less than perfect, yet as I walk through any the store I do not see perfect.  If I look at the stories in the news I see both failure and success.  Not only is perfection an illusion, it is actually the differences that make us interesting.

In group settings the fear of being perceived as less than perfect almost always surfaces.  I saw it at my first school dance, boys stand on one side and girls stand on the other.  No one is dancing.  Yet everyone came to the dance with high hopes and it was the fear of being under the spotlight, facing the opinions of others, that held us back from a very enjoyable first dance experience.   I see it in meetings when I ask for feedback from my team only to be met with several minutes of silence until someone has the courage to speak.  Offering an opinion in a public setting means exposing ourselves to a moment of vulnerability so there I am not surprised by the hesitation.  Yet, each member of any group, whether it be the recreational sports league or a family unit, brings their own unique set of strengths to the table.  The goal should be to pull together, each person bringing their views into the forum, so they can hammer out theories to emerge with a better result while creating a valuable learning experience on the journey. Too often I see the one person who constantly questions if what they offer has value.... so they contribute nothing.... or someone who has carries the attitude that they are too good to learn .....so they refuse to listen.  Both attitudes can be the reason people sit on the sidelines as silent observers. I feel that both approaches actually reflect an attitude of fear because  while one person is afraid of allowing others to see what they actually don't know,  the other is afraid of showing how much they have to learn.  Each of these mindsets are a handicap that can prevent people from becoming the best version of them selves.  By sharing our strengths and weaknesses we can discuss and punch holes in the theories. As a result, a stronger resolution emerges so in the end, we all benefit from the experience.

The older I get, the better I am at ignoring that small voice whispering in my consciousness trying to warn me that I may fail or people may look at me funny. When someone tells me I can't because of my age, gender, or because it isn't what other people do I focus on the fact that I have never regretted stepping out of my comfort zone to try something new but I have almost always regretted not  making an attempt.

"Well behaved women never make history."

Eleanor Roosevelt.

When we review our history books, those who made an impact on history are the rebels, the ones who refused to conform, the people who  took the risks to move beyond the status quo.   My mother used to tell us that a person who reaches for the stars may not become one with the universe but that person will still go farther than a person who only reaches for the top of the nearest tree.  The only problem in reaching for the stars is that there will always be someone to tell us that we are reaching too high or that it can't be done so don't waste time trying.  Long ago I decided that I can't be unique and be like everyone else at the same time so  I made a pact with myself to follow my heart instead of the opinions of others.  Although the treetop is closer to my comfort zone, I always reach for the stars because that is where the magic happens. 

Black Eyed Peas

My friends and I like to cook so recipes often come up in our conversations. Therefore, it would not surprise anyone who knows me to discover that a few days before New Years we found ourselves deep in a conversation over traditional New Years Day food.   One of my friends said that her family has a tradition of eating Black Eyed Peas on New Years for good luck.  I enjoy trying a new cuisine or a new recipe but I haven't had black eyed peas since I was living at home many years ago.   I  do remember that I didn't particularly care for black eyed peas but I couldn't recall what they actually tasted like.   I decided to make some.

 I collect old cook books that have outdated recipes to experiment with and decided to  go through my old cook books to find a black eyed pea recipe. Between recipes in my cook books and the Internet,  I was able to create a recipe that I felt I would enjoy eating. New Years Day found me having fun in the kitchen preparing my Black Eyed Peas with smoked turkey, carrots, celery, whole tomatoes, chicken, rice, Black Eyed Peas (of course) and seasonings. The result was good but something just wasn't quite as perfect as I would have liked it to be.  It took me a while to wrap my taste buds around what was off until I realized that everything about the dish was delicious.... except the black eyed peas.  I know I will be making will be making this dish again soon .... but  I will substitute the Black Eyed Peas for something I actually like.

Personally, I think traditions should be like my black eyed pea experience.  Give the old tradition a try but adjust the recipe to fit what works for you.  Too often, especially at holiday time, people are in conflict as they try to twist their lives into something uncomfortable in a vain attempt to make their lifestyle fit a tradition while they should be adjusting the tradition to compliment their lives.  

When I was first married,  I spent the first Thanksgiving and Christmas running from one dinner to another.   Instead of enjoying the holidays, we ended up exhausted and overstuffed with food. Every holiday after that first year I hosted the holiday dinners. I wasn't offended if someone declined the invite but I refused to rush from house to house in a futile attempt to make everyone else happy.  Now that my children are grown, I will not put them in that position and I am more than willing to compromise as needed.   These last few years my kids they have travelled from one side of town to the other in an attempt to keep both  my ex-husband's family and the significant other's family happy. I usually host an open house or a lunch around whatever schedule works for them. In doing this,  they only need to show up, have a drink, and something to much on while we open gifts.  The tradition was adjusted to accommodate our lives instead of the other way around and by remaining open to adjustments in our routine  we are able to keep the focus on enjoying the time we spend together during the holidays.    Holidays should be like a good recipe.  We should be preparing for a wonderful experience by keeping what works and making adjustments to what doesn't.

Sitting In The Front Row

My friends and I get together from time to time just to catch up on each other's lives and do something fun. This Christmas, one of the girls hosted a Christmas lunch. The food was fabulous (I just love her desserts) and the camaraderie is always amazing.  

Most of us are grandmothers and we spent time sharing pictures and stories as we began to talk about growing older in the 21st century.  We all agreed that our lives do not resemble that of our mothers or grandmothers at the same age. I attribute this to the fact that our ancestors fought a battle that would allow women to be recognized as something more than domesticated goddesses.  The women who walked before us fought for equality which resulted in creating opportunities for my generation that our mothers and grandmothers didn't have. 

Women who choose to stay home and raise a family need to be applauded.  Being a full time wife and mother is not for the faint of heart and, unless someone actually experiences what it means to be a stay at home parent,  most people will fail to understand the sacrifices that someone must make in their own lives to stay home and raise children full time.  However, any woman who lives her life as a housewife and mother should be living this life because she wants to, not because she has no other options. The freedom to choose is what the women who went before us fought so hard to achieve. Perhaps this is why I find it troubling when I hear major players in the market, like Abercrombie,  make comments that relate a woman's value to the circumference of her waistline or when I read an article that alludes to the fact that a woman needs to be in a relationship to be complete.

Why should one's life be limited because of one's gender, size, age, or marital status?  What actually  limits any person is the perception we have of ourselves.  As we were cleaning out my mother's house, I was happy to see some unfinished projects to be sold or giving away.  Aside from the multitude of trophies and awards mom had for her music, there were unfinished projects next to her sewing machine. Next to her kiln there were some unfired ceramics and on a table nearby was her lapidary saw with some rocks that needed to be polished. I admire the fact that my mother did not sit at home waiting for life to happen.  Although she never ventured far from her own community, she was constantly trying something new, living life to the fullest.  I  admire her for that.

For myself, I don't want to sit in the back row trying to be invisible. I want to be in the front row, taking the risk of being seen for just who I am, so I can experience all that life has to offer.  My gender is not going to limit me from living.  A friend of mine said that when she leaves this earth there will be an unfinished quilt and an unfinished book.  For myself, there will definitely be an unfinished book, a project underway, and  a photo album filled with pictures of my adventures.

Her Name is Harriett. I Call Her Mom

Her name is  Harriett. I call her mom.  Mom  remembers me, she remembers her name, but other memories can be elusive for her.  Each visit is a gamble because I never know how much of my mother will be waiting for me when I arrive.

I always feel a level of tension when I am driving to see my mother.  The visit  today was ideal but there is no guarantee that mom's mind will be clear.  Mom always remembers who I am but there are times when she struggles to hold onto memories of what occurred just minutes before.  Those visits  can be emotionally draining.

After work today,  I stopped by to pick up my mother's laundry and make a shopping list.  I was able to enjoy a nice conversation with my mother about dinner, breakfast, and a new friend she had made.  She remembered my job, my recent promotion, she asked about the family, she told me how happy she is in her new apartment and how much she misses her garden.  This is one of the good visits. In fact, this was a great visit.

Yet, even when mom demonstrates some level of clarity, my mother's memory is not complete.  This evening she asked why she had a special diet and stomach issues.  "Because they removed part of your colon when you had colon cancer." I told her.  She  was shocked and asked me "When did I have colon cancer?"  Her statement saddened me because my mother is a two time cancer survivor.  Mom won a battle with breast cancer when I was very young and survived an advanced stage of colon cancer about 25 years ago. She doesn't remember either one.  Mom also has a degree in music and is a skilled pianist but there are days when she doesn't remember that either. 

Sometimes it is necessary to take mom out of her familiar surroundings but these adventures are not easy. I only take her to familiar places but she becomes agitated if we are out too long, refusing to let me out of her sight. When I take her back to her residence, it takes a long time before she recognizes that she is home so I need to stay with her until things feel routine and comfortable again.

I feel blessed that she always remembers me but it is becoming all too routine for her to ask me "How many children do I have?"  When her memory is cloudy like this we name my siblings and their birth order until she nods her head and says "Yes, I remember now." 

My mother understands that she has memory problems and she is comfortable telling me when she struggles to remember something. I think that her ability to trust those who are caring for her helps to alleviate some of her anxiety.  In spite of her trust,  the unfamiliar can be very difficult for her.   I try to avoid taking her away from her familiar surroundings but this creates an additional challenges at holiday time. 

As difficult as this is, I am grateful that I have an opportunity to reconnect and put the angst of the past behind me.   I dread the day that mom will struggle to remember me but it breaks my heart as I watch the feisty woman I have known all of my life disappear into that black hole of memory loss.  I am terrified, for both of us, because I know that one day mom could sink into that black hole and never come back.

People try to understand what we are going through, and they are supportive, but this is something that has to be experienced to be understood.   I am helpless.  All I can do is be there and watch as the essence of my mother slowly fades. I hope that they find a cure for Alzheimer Disease so others will never need to make this journey but the reality is that one day my mother... this woman named Harriett.... could be lost forever as Alzheimer Disease robs her of every memory until only a blank page remains where a vibrant mind used to be.

 

 

The Dazzle Of The Season

 I remember when the holiday season officially kicked off with Thanksgiving. Now the malls now are selling Christmas ornaments and playing Christmas Carols on Labor Day which makes me wonder; when did they change the date?

 

Now that Thanksgiving is behind us, the focus is now on shopping and decorating.   I know that Christmas is not about the decorations or presents but there have previous holidays when I became so distracted with my ‘to do’ list that I failed to keep my focus on the real meaning of Christmas.  Yet, in my defense, it is easy to become distracted when we are simultaneously spoon fed images of driving to grandmother’s house through the pristine white snow while every advertisement tries to sell the idea that we need to dazzle everyone with our own personal presentation of Christmas.  This time of year people are inundated with images of the clothes we should wear and the presents we need to give. It can be so exhausting!

 

As I was creating my holiday ‘to do’ list, I was again feeling the obligation to “dazzle”  until I walked out of my office and saw a homeless man sitting on the corner nearby.  Since I work in the heart of the city, it is not unusual to see homeless people but this particular homeless man caught my attention because a few years ago, at holiday time,  something he did changed my perspective.  It was a time when I had set high expectations for myself to dazzle and wasn't taking time to actually enjoy the holiday. One afternoon I took a break to watch a festival held close to where I work. One vendor was handing out free T-shirts  and that evening, as I walked to the parking garage, I saw that same homeless man handing out some of those free T-Shirts to other homeless people so they would have an extra layer of clothing to keep themselves warm.  It was very cold that day and he only wore a T-shirt over a long sleeve shirt covered by a thin jacket. I could tell he was cold but, instead of creating extra layers for himself, he shared with others who had even less.   When I got to my car in the parking garage that evening, I looked across the horizon and saw a cross from a nearby church glowing against the night sky.  I was gently reminded that Christmas is not about the dazzle or commitments.  Christmas is about love.

 

This evening, as I arrived at the parking garage, I looked across the horizon at the beautiful sunset and saw that cross rising above the skyline.  That cross was lit, glowing against a backdrop of a red sunset, a reminder that Christmas is about the kind of brotherly love which was demonstrated by a homeless man sharing with the less fortunate when he himself had nothing.  The holiday season is about Christ, family, friends, and love for our fellow man.  I no longer feel the pressure to dazzle which frees me to focus on the true spirit of the holiday. 

 

 

To be honest, I know I will still try to dazzle, but not out of any sense of obligation to do so.  The dazzle in the holiday is now part of the fun while the focus is on the love.  I personally think that the Lord showed me these reminders now because, being the wise omnipotent entity that he is, he realized that  he should just get ahead of the game this year  and remind me to keep my focus on the true meaning of the holiday season before I become too engrossed in the dazzle and commitments.  Instead of over committing myself in an attempt to exceed the expectations of the season,  I am scheduling only the commitments that matter.   In other words, this year it is quality over quantity and the focus is on love.

 

Merry Christmas.

 

 

 

The Realist and The Romantic

Some people assume that I either need help finding Mr. Right or  they wrongfully assume that I am an anti-man crusader.  Then there are well meaning folks who believe that my primary hobby should be looking for a man to complete my life.  I realize that their motives are pure but there are times when I just want to tell people to stop. Please just stop!

One of my good friends told me she doesn't understand why I am not investing more effort into trying to meet someone.  I had a good laugh when she told me to try online dating. Her exact words were "You should try online dating!  It is like online shopping for the perfect man with endless choices. All you do is choose the physical attributes and personality types and POOF you meet exactly what you were looking for!"  Those words confirm that she  has never tried online dating.

This last year has been brutal and there simply wasn't any room in my life for dating.  However, now that things are becoming more settled I am taking advantage of opportunities to get out and mingle with other single people but dating, just for the sake of dating itself, has about as much appeal as a dentist appointment.

 One other consideration is that  I tend to fall for men based on the quality of their heart rather than the quality of their looks. An attractive man is eye candy but the attraction fades quickly for me if  his heart is not as attractive as his physical self.  The men I have fallen for in the past didn't stand out to me at first.  Usually there is a character trait, or some attribute, that catches my attention and I begin to take a closer look. A good heart and great sense of humor will catch my attention so much faster than a perfect physique or an expensive sports car.  That perfect physique might cause me to look twice but that is not what will hold my attention.  If I like the essence of the man, I will begin to notice physical attributes that appeal to me.  It is like falling for someone from the inside out. 

I am both a realist and a romantic.  The realist lives in the hear and now with no illusions but the romantic gets choked up seeing over an older couple holding hands as they walk down the street.  The books and movies I enjoy are legal thrillers and science fiction but I also love romantic comedies.  The realist has accepted that I may never find anyone to share my life with so my focus is on creating a full life  with or without a partner. However, the romantic is always aware of the positive impact that love and romance has on our lives. Reality is like the main course  and romance is the seasoning that elevates the meal from meat and potatoes to something divine.

The well meaning people in my life who are concerned because I am not scouring the surrounding territory for a mate can put their concern to rest.  I am definitely open to the possibilities of love and romance. However, because of my responsibilities, time is a precious commodity that is not to be wasted on empty dates.   While the romantic in me is still alive, the realist is the one who guides me.