I'll Take Some Whine With my Cheese

Life has just been crazy busy lately.  I have no time to prepare for Christmas, deal with daily household tasks, spend time with friends, take care of myself like I should, or find time to unwind and recharge.  The result is that due to stress I need to be careful that I don't speak harshly and hurt someone's feelings.

"How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!"

Barbara Johnson

I read that unfiinished tasks tend to cause more stress than projects we haven't started. This made so much sense that I decided to finish all of the unfinished tasks around my house, one at a time.  I started with the unfinished bottle of wine in my refrigerator. I feel much better already!  

Yesterday a friend told me that her Christmas tree is decorated, her Christmas cards have been sent, most of the shopping is done and the gifts are wrapped.  Since I have barely had time to buy my cards, for just a moment I really felt inept.    My oldest sister is a perfectionist so it surprised me when she said that she doesn't worry too much about the holidays being picture perfect anymore.  She said that "The imperfections of the day is what makes it special."

 I have to agree.  A perfect memory is created by an unique experience causing that particular window of time to stand out from the rest.   My best memories are of times when things were not as organized or didn't go as planned. 

One of my favorite memories is a trip to Sedona to see the Christmas lights at Poco Diablo Resort. We met my sister and brother in law, my neice,her husband, and their children at our favorite restaurant for dinner. My brother in law has a big heart but he is a 'take charge kind of guy' ...even when he should let someone else take charge.  After dinner, we walked down the hill to the resort. Since it was cold, my neice and her husband decided to load the children into their Ford Explorer and drive them down the hill.  It was very busy and when my brother in law spotted an empty parking space being vacated near the entrance, he ran over,  stood in the space,  and refused to allow anyone else to park there.  When he saw the Ford Explorer pull into the parking lot he waived his arms signalling dramatically for the vehicle to pull into the space.  Then he ran back and forth to stop  all other cars while directing the Ford Explorer into the tight parking spot.  Once he was satisfied that the car was parked  he gave a big thumbs up and  turned to us and said,"Now THAT is how it is done."   About this time my niece and her family came walking from the other side of the parking lot (where they had to park because someone was stopping all of the traffic in that parking aisle) as a complete stranger and his family  stepped out the the Ford Explorer and said "Gee, Thanks Mister. That was so nice of you!"  The look on my brother in law's face was priceless! 

"If we treat every problem as though it were a life or death decision, we will face death many times."

                                                                       Barbara Johnson

Feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't finish everything I want to do is pointless.  I have household tasks that need to be done but I am grateful that I have a house.  My job is demanding but I am grateful that I have a job.  There are presents to buy and limited time to shop but I am so grateful that I have special people in my life to buy presents for and money to purchse them. 

About fifteen years ago I heard a motivational speaker talk about stress. He said that "A lump in your oatmeal is an inconvenience. A lump in your breast is a problem.  Unfortunately, many people are unable to distinguish the difference and react to each one in the same way."  

When our focus is on what we don't have, we fail to appreciate our blessings.  Abraham Lincoln said "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."  Life will never go as planned, it is all about living and loving well.  The decorations are merely a disposable detail.  My difficult schedule is an inconvenience, not a problem. Christmas is not about the Christmas trees, the decorations, or even the gifts.  Christmas is about the people in our lives and about loving others. My wish is that this holiday season will be filled with wonderful surprises and that I can focus on my blessings and the memories to be made. 

"Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape."

Unknown

Assumptions

Someone once told me that the word assume means to make an "ass" out of "u" and "me."  The definition isn't gramatically precise, and it is definitely not eloquent, but it is accurate.  I can recall many times in my life when an assumption was wrong and had a negative impact.  Communication is the solution. It is a necessity  for understanding others and resolving conflict.

"One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing."

Socrates

Assumptions are dangerous things.  I think of assumptions as opinions that are based on a guess instead of facts and that makes them worth the paper they are written on.  At work we recently went to a seminar that identified personality styles.  I am a Red personality which is identified as adventurous, headstrong, outgoing, and enjoys challenge. One person I work with told me after that he always thought of me as introverted, quiet, and  analytical. This is definitely not who I am.  Although, after thinking about it I can understand his misconception because I keep my work and my life separate.  I tend to go to my office and focus on the job at hand.  I am friendly, professional,  and mingle with my coworkers but work is work and it is distinctly separate from my personal life.  This is the only side of me he sees.

I recently read a quote from the book "On Becoming A Person" by  psychologist Carl Rogers. 

He wrote, " I found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand the other person.  The way in which I have worded this statement may seem strange to you.  Is it necessary to permit oneself to understand another?"  ........."When someone expresses some feeling, attitude, or belief, our tendancy is almost immediately to feel 'that's right' or 'that's stupid,' 'that 's abnormal,' that's unreasonable,'   'that's incorrect,'   'that's not nice.'  Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand  precisely what the meaning of the statement means to that other person."

God has a way of speaking to my heart in the way I need it most.  This is why I believe that I found the above quote at a crucial time.  There are many missed opportunites in life because someone acted on an assumption rather than asking for facts.  Romance movies are often based on wrong assumtions.   She assumes something about him, he assumes something about her, they are both wrong so the two people go on this journey to discover that they feel the same way.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just be open and not left  to guess what the other person wanted us to say or do?  Of course, if it were that easy the romance stories wouldn't be as interesting.  This is one reason why I value my friends so very much.  We respect each other enough not to guess.  We ask and we communicate to gain a clearer understanding of what our actions and words were intended to say.

"Fear Is The Darkroom Where Negatives Are Developed" 

Barbara Johnson

The interesting thing about assumptions is that we are usually wrong.  People often assume the worst which can create unnecessary worry and misunderstanding.   I think people sometimes make assumptions because it is easier than  pulling ourselves out of the comfort zone by taking a risk and communicating the truth.  Although it is easier to fool ourselves by remaining in a cocoon of vague facts and subjective theories, eventually the truth creeps in. 

"If I have the stuff to make cocoons, maybe the stuff to make butterflies is in their too."

Trina Paulus  



I have several friends who are suffering right now.  One has a son who is ill, two others have husbands that were recently diagnosed with a terminal illness, and another friend lost her son to the war in  Afghanistan recently.  We get together about every six weeks to catch up.  One of my friends called to cancel with a lame excuse.  Instead of assuming the worst we called her back and she said that she was depressed.  Two years ago her husband had passed away after 20 years of marriage.  A few days before was her  anniversay and she was struggling.   I am so glad we called because she cancelled on th assumption that we wouldn't want her join us when she was in pain.   We each reminded her that we are her friend when she is sad as much as when she is happy and  we would be offended if she didn't come.  When we are hurting, that is precisely when we need our friends the most.  The six of us spent an evening at a restaurant eating a great dinner.   We reminisced with her, we laughed together, and we cried together over a bottle of wine, coffee,  three pieces of chocolate cake  served on three plates with 6  forks to be shared by 6 dear friends.   We almost missed this great experience because she assumed we wouldn't understand why she is still grieving so much after two years and  I almost allowed myself to assume she didn't want to be with us.  I reminded her that we all heal at our own pace and then someone else quoted what Francis Thompson wrote:

" Grief is a matter of relativity;

The sorrow should be estimated by it's proportion to the sorrower;

A gash is as painful to one person as an amputation is to another."



I am a strong, independent woman who lives on the corner of Here and Now.  Dreaming is for the quiet moments of reflection while the bulk of my day is spent with a focus on reality.   I don't wear my heart on my sleeve,  I bear my pain privately, I try not to make assumptions, nor do I give people reason to make erroneous assumptions about me.  Yet they sometimes do.  If I have something important to say,  I say it .  Being open can make me feel vulnerable, which is a feeling I dislike, but  I remind myself that the way someone reacts to my honesty tells me how important they are in my life.. ...friend, or acquaintance, or someone who isn't worth a second thought.  There have been a few times when someone assumes that I am over-reacting on a small point.   I remind them that the smallest thing in their check book register is the decimal point.  Although it is small, it is only insignificant until you move it one digit to the left.  We should never assume to understand what represents the "decimal point" in someone else's life.  Some of  life's experiences that seem insignificant on the surface to us can have a huge  impact  on someone else.........simple things like a date on a calendar which, to someone else, represents the wedding anniversary of a husband who is no longer here to share it. 

Frustration

One thing that frustrates me is when people who have no business making decisions about another person's life does exactly that.  I get upset when people repeatedly tell me I need to "find a good man so I won't be alone."   It upsets me when family members argue and everyone else takes sides.  I hate it when someone knows 10% of the facts and try to make 100% of the decisions.  What truly angers me is when people who should love unconditionally make love conditional. 

Tonight I got upset and walked out of a restaurant in the middle of dinner.  Someone  had a rough day and wasn't feeling well  so I invited her out for soup, tea, and conversation.  She began talking about a family dispute and her idea on what everyone else is doing wrong, what they should do,and why she won't speak to certain people until it is done her way, etc. At first I tried to argue my point. As the evening progressed, I relented and told her that I make my own decisions. Everyone is responsible for their own actions.  Being judgmental and creating conditions accomplishes nothing.  I mentioned that her decisions regarding her own actions are hers to own, but she has no right to set conditions for anyone except herself ,especially when it is on how to handle personal situations. What cinched the deal was when she said, "Maybe you are still single because you are so aloof........."  THAT was the wrong thing to say so I told her I needed to leave.

I am not perfect. My family is not perfect and there are several family members who have not spoken in decades over things I consider to be trivial.  All of this drama and hurt because they were judgmental and made things conditional.  I have no right to judge others and they have no right to judge me.  A relationship is like an onion with multiple layers and an outsider can only view the surface.

What people fail to realize is that  I am single because I am not actively looking for a relationship.  When I do, I usually find one.  The truth is that I do get approached..often.  At my age I feel silly talking about  admiring glances thrown my way by the opposite sex with the same frequency that I talk about the weather.  Today, for example, I received an other email from my old boyfriend asking if he could take me to dinner.  A male friend stopped by my office and we are going to lunch on Wednesday.  There is a man in my building who is openly flirtateous and ran across the hall just to open my door.  The UPS delivery man is a very attractive guy who makes a point of stopping by my office and has mentioned a coffee date for next week.  I haven't mentioned any of this, except the email from the old boyfriend, to anyone.  What would it accomplish? Prove to everyone else that I have options? Although I find the attention flattering , I really don't care how others perceive me.   I refuse to be defined by the opinions of others. 

Although I have empathy for those who are in pain, I won't adopt their pain as my own.  When others have drama in their lives, I refuse to focus on the negative. If people I care about are arguing, I rarely take sides.  Instead I listen to both and try to convince them to work things out on their own.  Staying neutral sometimes makes people interpret my attitude as indifference.  I do care even more than they realize.  Even if my response is not what others expect of me, I need to be true to my heart and give others room to be true to theirs because  love is about acceptance, not perfection. 



"Instead of trying to change people, we should give them room to be the person God created them to be."
Joel Osteen.

My Life, It Is What It Is.

The one thing I fail to comprehend is why people, especially women, only see my single status instead of the person I am.  Yes, I would like to meet someone to grow old with but I enjoy my life and refuse to make a hobby out of pursuing a man. Recently, I joined a kayak club so I could enjoy a sport that I have a passion for while in the company of others who share my love of paddling and the outdoors. It is not a dating service and the members consist of both singles couples. I have one friend who asks to see my pictures from time to time and doesn’t make one comment about the outing. Her focus is on the men in the group and if I have found potential males there. The few times I have shared pictures with her she was so busy focusing on the potential males in the group she actually missed the one photo I am very proud of. It is a rare sighting of a bald eagle sitting in a tree looking off into the distance as though he were posing.


In my youth one of the “workers” at meeting (church) shared a story about a young elk who spent his time dreaming of the day when he would mature and grow his antlers. Later, as an adult, he spent many hours admiring his antlers in the reflection of a lake while criticizing his long legs and muscular body. He was so busy admiring the antlers he failed to notice a lion stalking him. The lion took chase but the elk’s long legs and muscular body put distance between himself and the danger. When the elk ran into a grove of trees, his antlers become entangled in the branches and he was killed. The moral is that the elk was killed by the very part of himself that he admired to the exclusion of all else but his life could have been saved by the part of himself that he took for granted.

"What is our greatest strength in one situation can be our greatest weakness in another." Joel Osteen

I had a 16 year marriage that was difficult, left scars, and had a painful ending so I am not anxious to repeat the experience. I am single by choice. Since my divorce 10 years ago I have had marriage proposals and I  accepted one of them, only to withdraw the acceptance later.  I still have the sapphire and diamond ring that he wouldn’t take back. My marriage was painful but I learned a valuable lesson from the experience.  As a result, the relationships I have had since my divorce were of a better quality because of lessons learned. Today the focus is on living my life to the fullest and letting God guide me into places I never imagined I would go. I refuse to sit on the sidelines.  It is too easy to dwell on what we don't have in our life and, in doing so, not see the blessings.

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".
Erma Bombeck

Yes, I would marry again if I met the right person. The “right person” for me doesn’t have to be handsome or rich. He will definitely not be perfect because a perfect man is boring. I would want a man who carries himself well, can make me laugh, engage in intelligent conversation, good values, a good work ethic, accepts me for who I am, gives me room to grow, and who has imperfections I can live with.

"People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow."
Erma Bombeck

Being alone isn't as bad as people make it sound. I don’t answer to anyone except myself and I am never bored. When I came home last evening, my granddaughter’s eyes lit up with happiness and recognition as I entered the room. My dogs greet me with joy. I have a circle of close friends who mean the world to me and I see them often. My children and I have a close relationship. I enjoy my job, I do volunteer work, pursue my passions, enjoy my home, my hobbies, my life.  I think that staying home with a good book and a glass of wine is so much better than a bad date.


If the loneliness hits, as it does sometimes, I allow myself that moment of wishful thinking. Then I remind myself that being alone is easy compared to being vulnerable to another person.  Marriage and commitment is not for wimps. It takes respect, courage and commitment , sacrifice, and compromise to make a relationship last.  My friend told me that a marriage partnership starts out like champagne with excitement and bubbles.  As it ages, it matures into a fine wine. Still something special but with a different flavor.


"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "
Erma Bombeck

Becoming completely vulnerable to another person who has the ability to have an impact on every area of our lives takes more courage than being alone. It would take a courageous man to make a life commitment with me. I am strong, territorial, independent, and need room to grow. A weak man won’t long with me and the good candidates are unavailable. However, life is a journey and we never know who we will meet along the way. Today I am both single and content.

"I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair."
Erma Bombeck

Life Is For The Living

I Do Not Die

By: Mary Elizabeth Frye 1932 

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there. I do not die.

I found the above poem in 1976 after my friend Susan died. We were both 17 at the time.  These words have brought comfort to myself and  tofriends many times over the years.  This poem found it's way to me time and again when I have lost someone I love.  When Susan died, when my boyfriend died a few years later, when my mother in law died, and when my father passed the poem appears in print or the clipping falls out of a book just at the right time.   A gentle reminder that the grave is for the living because the spirit does not die.


I am not a person who has patience for drama queens. Tragedy is a part of life and we all experience pain.  I try to find  a positive in any negative.  People are born, people die, and somewhere in the middle people live but there is a difference between being alive and truly  living.  A friend of mine lost her son in Afghanistan recently and another lost her husband to cancer. Each one of these women describe the grieving as a series of feelings that begins with hopelessness and loss, then anger, then guilt, and then they begin to live again.  Each one of them have walked through the fire and then continued to take steps to  live a way that honors the person they lost.  I admire them both.

My favorite auther is Barbara Johnson. She is an author who lost one son in Vietnam and  then the other son was hit by a drunk driver and was killed.  The third son adopted a lifestyle that left him estranged for many years. Barbara grieved, become depressed, guilt ridden, and angry until she decided that she couldn't change fate, she could only respond to it.  She began to surround herself with positive thoughts, wrote books, started a support group, and conducted motivational seminars.   Her sons must be so proud as they sit in heaven and watching how their mother took a negative and turned it into something beautiful.  Barbara was diagnosed with cancer in 2001 and died in July 2007.  She lived right up until the end with  her final book on the editors desk.  What an incredible woman.

Losing someone I love makes me feel as though I am dying too.  I am not a person who allows society to define me and one of the artists I really like is Pink because she is true to her own voice.    Her album "I'm Not Dead" was titled as such because she is feisty and refuses to sit down and be quiet.   Her lyrics can be abrupt , they can be raw, but they are always honest. One of my favorites:

I'm not dead just floating

Right between the ink of your tattoo

I've tried to hide my scars from you.

I'm not scared just changing.

There isn't anyone who can lose someone through death or estrangement, and then emerge unchanged.  Loss changes us.  We will never be the same,  but it is up to us if the change gives our life purpose or if we let the pain hold us back.  I don't want to live in pain and I don't want to forget.  Around my neck I wear a thin gold chain.  The chain is connected to a memory.  Although the chain is not always foremost in my thoughts, I am always aware it is there.  This is where I keep the people who I have lost. They are such a part of me, that I don't need to consciously keep them in my thoughts.  They are so much a part of me that I don't need the pain to remind me of them.  Sometimes their memory will speak to me when I least expect it and,  for a moment, once again they are close to me.  Yes, life is for the living  but death taught me not to take others for granted.  Death also taught me that I should not merely want to live,  I need to live my life with purpose.  Life isn't about the event, it is  about how we respond to it. 

 

Life Is A Memory Quilt

Time is like money.

Yesterday is a cancelled check. The money is gone and cannot be recovered.

Tomorrow is a promissory note with no guarantees.

 Today is a present from God. Spend the time wisely.

I was told once that life is like a river, a journey to enjoy as we travel to our final destination.  However, I will never be content to sit idly by and float through life because life is a patchwork quilt comprised of memories and experiences.

The similarities are what will bring us together, our differences are what will make us stand out, our flaws are what make us unique. 

Over the last few days I had the opportunity of spending time with family and friends that I have not seen for years. One of my cousins shared his memories of my father and the impact my dad on his life. He said my father was always there for the family. Through years of observing how my father treated his family, he formulated his own ideals on how to be a good father and husband.  My father was his example. What a special thing it was to hear him share this memory with me.

Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday. She was stubborn in the womb just as she is stubborn now. The day she was born was difficult and after two days of labor  she was delivered by Cesarean Section.  My husband was there, then went to work, and came back.  My mother in law never left my side.  She held my hand, tried to feed me soup, grapes, and bought me a paperback book from the bookstore.  Since she couldn't speak english, the book was about war strategy. She didn't know what it was about but it was in english and the man at the counter told her it was a best seller.  I didn't read the book but I appreciated her gestures of love more than she ever knew.   My daughter is too young to remember how much she was loved by her grandmother.  The day we returned to the states, I turned around to look back as the taxi pulled away from the curb.  I saw her standing there with tears in her eyes and found it hard to stay in control as I felt the tears filling my eyes too.  This memory is a special patch for my life quilt.  It was the last time I saw her before she died. 

My son, on the other hand, waits for no one.  He entered the world in 20 minutes.  I remember the doctor rushing in with his gown untied behind him and hopping on one foot while he put the booties over his shoes.  This time I was alone in the delivery room because my exhusband doesn't handle these situations well.  My father  had suffered a series of strokes and hadn't fully recovered. But my dad was stubborn and had always been there for me,. He asked someone else to drive him 150 miles to be with me and see his grandson.   It was my last memory of my dad.  He died soon after that visit.   This is a favorite patch in my life quilt and  I carry this memory with me everyday.

When my daughter was turning three, I heard my dad's old pickup truck pull up outside. We went out to see a large box in the back of his truck. He bought her a swingset that took an entire weekend to put together and completely invaded our small back yard.  However, it was worth it. I still treasure the pictures of my father sitting with my daughter on those swings.  The memories of my father are always with me.  If you were able to see my life quilt, you would see him everywhere.   

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly”

Quote by Sam Keene.

Adding the memories of my mother to my life quilt has been more of a challenge. My mother was rarely there for me.  She isn't a bad person just incredibly self absorbed. It was normal for mom to forget my birthday and try to make it up with a nice gift of my choosing after my dad reminded her that she forgot.  In second grade I was in an afternoon Christmas program.  The bus was not running and we lived on a ranch 30 miles outside of town.  Mom was scheduled to come to the program, bring cookies, and take me home.  She got involved in other things and simply didn't show up.   The teacher and janitor called and called but no one answered the phone.  It was early December and I sat outside the school in the cold for almost five hours waiting. I stayed because I knew someone would remember.  As the sun went down I saw my dad's old pickup truck racing  into the parking lot throwing gravel as it screeched to a halt in front of me.  His face was full of concern as I climbed up into the cab.  Apparently, when he came home and I wasn't there he  jumped into the truck, and raced to the school. I could feel the tension between my parents for days after.   

I add these memories to my quilt, not because I want to remember my mother in a bad way, but because I want it to be a lesson of the type of memories I refuse to create in my own life. Included in my life quilt are the memories of mom teaching me never to settle for what life hands you. She would say that "the person reaching for a star will always go farther than the person reaching for a tree top."  Mom taught me the bible, a love of music, and art.  She drilled into me that doing right isn't always easy.  I would hear her say repeatedly "Following the right path is like hiking a mountain.  It is easy to go downhill but the top is where the true rewards are."  My  focus is on the positive memories, but I don't want to forget the others.  I am a compilation of all of my life memories, not just the good ones.

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”

Source unknown

My daughter has a good heart and I am proud of her. However, she tramps into a situation like a bull walking in a flower garden.  The one thing I would like her to know is that it is easier not to create damage than to clean up a mess we leave behind with thoughtless words and actions.  I tried to teach my children  that life is not perfect, people are not perfect, and they will never meet your expectations.  Sometimes, it is important to just love the person and approach the situation separately. 

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”

Barbara Johnson

No two people view life exactly the same way.  We can't legislate morality or force our views on another person.  Becoming so regimented with our rules that there is no margin for error is not the answer. Our founding fathers were rebels who didn't follow the rules and look at the result!   If I could give my children one gift, it would be to help them realize that the memory you create with someone today may be the last memory you ever have the opportunity of sharing.  They should do everything they can to make it a memory to be treasured as a patch for their own life quilt . A memory that is a pleasure to revisit and be enjoyed again and again. 

 Today is a present.  A gift of time.  Spend it wisely.

 

The war within

A Cherokee Elder was talking to his Grandson and told him the

story of two wolves that are at war inside of everyone.

The first Wolf is  kind, compassionate, cares about others, and is not judgmental. 

The second Wolf in selfish, greedy, resentful, angry, and negative.

The Grandson asks: Which Wolf wins?

The Cherokee Elder answers:  The one we feed.

*****************************

Today is Friday. Yesterday I found myself sitting in my office staring into space as I tried to determine how to schedule the next few days.  My dog Princess had an appointment with the vet to have a tumor removed and biopsied. Although my kids offered to take her and pick her up, my dogs are like children to me. I couldn't bear not to be there for her.  Monday and Tuesday were already scheduled for time off and I worried that if I took  an extra day I might fall too far behind in my work.  However, I am caught up and can work late next week if necessary so I put in the request.  After approving the time, my boss stopped by my office for a friendly chat.  He said  he was curious about my plans because it seems to him that I am always doing something,  His next comment surprised me because he said that he is amazed because I am not afraid to live life.

His words "not afraid" made me smile because the truth is that I am afraid. I am afraid of trying something new, I am afraid of the regret I will feel if I miss the opportunity to have a new experience, I am afraid of giving too much of myself, and I am afraid of not giving enough.  Each time I try something new, I automatically experience that sense of self doubt.  If I start a serious discussion with someone important to me I worry that I will do damage to the relationship.  I worry about living my life like my mom does and ending up as a bitter and angry woman who cuts anyone, including family and friends, out of her life for the slightest reason. In spite of this, I try to not let my insecurities paralyze me into inaction.  Living my life isn't about avoiding the things that make me uncomfortable, it is about working through the fear it so it doesn't hold me back.

Throughout my life I have seen God work miracles.  I truly believe that I am exactly where God wants me to be.  When my life is challenging, or I am not satisfied, I know God is trying to push me out of my comfort zone into a new direction. Like most people, I like to be in my comfort zone.  That familiar place where there are no big surprises.  However, I know I can't grow to be the person God wants me to be if I never experience new things.  When my comfort zone is no longer comfortable, I know it is time to expect a change. The first step is to conquer the fear within while I take on a new challenge. 

My favorite bible story is the one about David and Goliath.  A child and his sling shot saving  the town from a giant.  The moral of this story isn't about David's expertice with the slingshot.  It is that David realized God is bigger than the problem.  Each time I face fear, I remind myself of little David facing a Giant because he knew God was bigger than the problem in front of him.  No matter what challenge I face, God is bigger than that problem too. He is bigger than the challenge, my fear, my grief, and my insecurities. 

Of course, this sounds great on paper but I am so very human.  I spent years carrying around a package of guilt, regret, grief, resentment, and anger.  Throughout my life I have made mistakes, I have been wrongly accused, I have been alienated by family because I am not living my life according to their standards, and I have had to make the best of things with limited resources at my disposal and hope it is enough.  About ten years ago someone told me that I can't control others, I can only control my own response.  If I allow the negative feelings to occupy my mind and heart, I would be allowing someone who hurt me to live rent free in my soul and that gives them control.  When I allow negative thoughts to control my thinking, it is a tool of the enemy to distract me from seeing what God wants me to see.

I miss my father the most during the holidays.  Instead of allowing sadness to permeate my being, I focus on how grateful I am to have had such a wonderful father.  I take time to enjoy the memories and be grateful for them.  He taught me to appreciate the earth and create memories with my own children.  I often wonder how a mother can discard a child like an old newpaper and refuse to see her grandchildren.  Instead of focusing on much hurt my mother has caused me, I focus on what I can do differently so I won't hurt my family as she hurt ours.  I may be without my mother in my life but look at what she is missing.  She lost two daughters who are there for her in spite of her rejection. My mother lost the opportunity to know her grandchildren an watch them grow, and she lost the opportunity to watch her great grandchildren. 

The bible says that love is patient and kind. In reality, people are much too human for labels like these to be used as a definition of love.  I think love is really about acceptance.  No one is perfect, no situation is perfect, no one's response is perfect,  but the flaws are what make us who we are. Love is about trying to be patient, kind, and loving someone ...imperfections and all.  Love is not focusing on the what we didn't do right.  Love is accepting  an error in judgment and then keeping the focus on what we didn't do wrong.  After all, if anyone is waiting for perfection they will never find it.  When we allow anger, grief, or regret to control our thoughts it only serves to distract us from seeking out our true potential and keeps us from going where God wants us to be.