Those Milestone Moments

My mother just celebrated her 88^th birthday. Eighty eight is a milestone in my book so  I gave her a bouquet of roses and a small broach shaped like a lady bug.  The bug pin is something that binds the two of us to a milestone memory from a lifetime ago.   Her delight as she saw the pin was special to me because, even though Alzheimer disease is claiming her memories one by one, there are some memories that she has refused to surrender to this awful disease.

 

“People that care neither for its youth nor for its older people has no future.  Young people take society into the future, while the older generation gives society its memory and its wisdom." Pope Francis

Milestone memories are not always about the big vacations or the special events. They are simply moments that mark a special place in this journey we call life.  We are born and we die but it is the defining moments between those two events that make the journey special which is one more reason why I feel that Alzheimer disease is so devastating.

While my daughter was visiting we took a long overdue family vacation.   We  rented a condo on the beach within a short drive of many of the tourist attractions that appeal to children of all ages.  My daughter and I left a couple of days before my son’s family so we could take in some sight-seeing on our own.  We found a cute little Italian restaurant for dinner that served lobster ravioli and listened to live music from a nearby park.  There were exploration trips and walks to look at the art galleries.  We found an old house on the beach that had been turned into a restaurant. The next morning we had a breakfast there that consisted of some amazing French toast, omelets, fresh squeezed juice, and coffee while enjoying the perfect ocean view.  On a whim, we took a two hour tour on an amphibious bus which drove us around the city and then drove directly into the water, converting into a boat, to give us a tour of the harbor.  

 

 

My son has two small children so when his family arrived at the condo they entered like a hurricane.  After the beach we went to a great little fish taco place that we saw nearby and had some amazing fish tacos. The following morning we went back for another amazing breakfast and our days were filled with adventures to Lego Land, the beach, Birch Aquarium, and Scripps Institute. After several days of nonstop activities and great restaurants everyone was ready for some something a little less intense. The Villa where we were staying had a roof top swimming pool with grills and tables so my son suggested that we grill our own food and swim.  That evening was spent with good food,  children happily splashing in the pool, and good conversation as we watched the sun go down over the ocean.  It was a perfect ending to a perfect family vacation.

 

  

 

In this day of technology it is  easy to avoid actively engaging with others by circumventing our communication through technology, or outsourcing the one on one experience through extra-curricular activities.   We are all busy but I feel we have lost sight of how important it is to make time to connect and actually be present so we can create opportunities which give birth to those milestone moments.  I tend to rely on technology to communicate more than I should sometimes but, as I grow older, I have begun to understand the importance of simply spending face time with those I care about.   No matter how efficient technology becomes there will never be a suitable substitute for engaging people in eye contact and conversation.  Our vacation is over but what we talked about the most was when we had breakfasts by the ocean and the dinner by the pool.

People may not remember what you did or said but they will always remember how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou

On my mother’s birthday I was showing her the photos knowing that by the following morning she wouldn’t remember the conversation.  Mom is fascinated by my smart phone so each time I visit I pull it out to show her pictures and some of the phone's features. Although each lesson is the same to me,her failing memory makes it a new experience for her every time.  My objective isn't about the phone, it is to about keeping her involved and feeling cared about.  I have discovered that she may not remember the event, but she remembers how she felt. Recently she mentioned Christmas and asked “Cheryl, did we have Christmas at your house?”  I confirmed that we did and asked her if she remembered it.  Her answer was sad as she said “No, my memory is so bad but I remember it being such a happy time."

Since it was her birthday she let me take a picture of us and was delighted with the concept of a 'selfie.'  I had to retake the picture several times until she was satisfied with the result but I was happy to see her so engaged in the process.  On my next visit I plan to show her a picture of us on her birthday and see if it evokes any memory based on how it made her feel. 

 

On my last night in California, the grandchildren were watching television before bed when my granddaughter suddenly said “Nana, remember the movies with green grapes and popcorn?”  I said, “Yes, I do.”  She gave me a big smile. Everyone else looked a little confused but she and I knew what she meant and that is all that counted to us.  Little James suddenly looked into space and gave a huge sigh before saying “Nana, remember when we were at your house and made popcorn balls? “  I told him that I did. He gave another big sigh and said “That was so fun!”  I got all warm and fuzzy for a moment as I realized that those were milestone memories for them and I was part of it.  A few minutes later my daughter was teasing my granddaughter about something when I heard her ask in surprise, “Did you just call me Missy May?”  My granddaughter just looked at me with a mischievious look and a huge smile.  I smiled right back with a look of understanding while my daughter just looked confused so I said “She got that from me."   

 

What I am trying to say is that the event is irrelevant.  Time with family, letting my granddaughter take a selfie of us with my phone,  watching little James as he patiently lets Nana snap a photo before he dashes off to the beach with the others, or giving my mother a broach shaped like a ladybug are all opportunities to create a milestone moment.  Each milestone moment is a treasure. These moments are like the return on our investment, the investment of the time we spend actively engaging with those we love.