The Art of Listening

Communication is an exchange of information but too often folks are so focused on speaking that they forget that communication is also about listening.  Many years ago I received some valuable advice from a wise person who told me that a successful conversation begins and ends with attentive listening.  Years later I read somewhere that when we actively listen to what is being said, we engage and connect; but most people are not truly engaged in the message because they are thinking about how to respond.   Since hearing this, I have tried to be a better listener.  As a result, I have discovered that listening is easier than talking and a conversation reveals extraordinary stories about ordinary people. 

 “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

Steven R Covey

For example, many years ago I was actively listening to an elderly woman talk about her life experiences. She was showing me some old photos from her High School years and one person seemed oddly familiar.  When I mentioned it she told me that his name was Marion Morrison. She said “He was this big shy guy who was clumsy and awkward.  We were all so surprised when he became a successful actor!”  I told her that I had never heard of a Marion Morrison.  She laughed and said, “Oh no honey!  His stage name was John Wayne.” 

 

A group of us recently went to this little lounge to dance, talk, drink wine, and listen to karaoke.  I didn’t know one of the ladies in our group very well but found myself sitting beside her.   We began with the small talk and some awkward conversation to try and find common ground until we discovered that our common ground was food and family.   To my surprise, she turns out to be more than 20 years older than I am but you wouldn’t know it to look at her.  She puts herself together so well and is so full of life that I had just assumed she was much younger.   When I shared my assumptions she told me that “Life is meant to be lived and we should treasure every moment of it.  My husband taught me this.”  I learned that she was born in Buffalo NY but raised in Italy, where she met her husband.  They later returned to Buffalo New York and then retired to Mesa, AZ.  Her husband passed away but he was an artist who is well known in certain circles and some of his pictures are in museums.  As she shared pictures from her phone she showed me a link that had a brief biography of her husband’s life and showcased his art.  Some of the art was very dark and disturbing but other pieces were happy pieces, sketches of landscapes and landmarks. I mentioned the distinct difference between the two and then listened with rapt attention as she began to share the most amazing story.   

 

Her parents were Italian immigrants who came to Buffalo NY but returned to Italy when she was a young.   She and her husband met in Italy.  He was quite a bit older plus he had just come from Russia where he had been imprisoned for almost 20 years in the Soviet prison Gulag. Gulag was all about hard labor but he had a degree in art so he learned to do tattoos, which is one of the reasons he survived.   I sat enthralled as she talked about how her husband had been imprisoned for attempting to immigrate out of Russia and was labeled a traitor. She shared his stories with me and we talked about her life in Europe during a time when Stalin was in power and Mussolini still had influence.  Her husband was imprisoned under the Stalin regime, after his release it took another three years before he was able to leave Russia.  From Russia, he travelled to Italy where he met my new friend and married her.  Eventually they returned to Buffalo NY and they were so grateful once they set foot on US soil that they began to cry.  Her husband’s love of the United States is the reason that there are so many pictures of New York buildings and landmarks.  She shared a link with me that showed some of his art renderings based on memories of that dark time in Gulag Prison.  Some of the stories she shared were the inspiration for these pieces and the darkness of those memories can be seen in his art.   Suddenly she said, “He passed away in 1997 but he was older than I am. Although I miss him dearly, he taught me that life is for living so we should treasure every minute.” Then she encouraged us all to dance.

 

At home I pulled up the link  (www.sgovio.com) to look at the art again and recalled some of the stories that she had shared with me.  I searched Google and found links on the internet, including a short Wikipedia profile of his life.  It was apparent that he was communicating his story through his art.

 

How we communicate with ourselves and with others ultimately determines the quality of our lives.

 

Anthony Robbins

 

 I mentioned the conversation to the friend who had introduced her to our group and she replied with surprise, “She has never shared that with me. 

I just smiled and said “ All I did was listen.”