Believe

Due to recent concerns over elderly parent issues I find it necessary to make the trip home several times a month.  When I go back to my hometown, I look at my old neighborhood which was once a place of tree lined streets and middle class homes.  The area is now just a neighborhood of old houses, some of which are remodeled into their former beauty, but my mother’s home is not one of these. She is an old woman who insisted on staying in a home she could no longer maintain which meant that the house deteriorated faster than she could complete the repairs.  For me, the current view is both nostalgic and disheartening.  Miranda Lambert’s song “The House That Built Me” has a line in it that says “they say you can’t go home again.”   I can go home, and the memories are still there, but home is not the same. Time waits for no one, houses deteriorate, people age, and most people change as they mature.

 

However, some things still have not changed.  This crisis with my mother made it necessary to reconnect with one particular person who has the ability to deliver an insult with such a sweet voice it almost dilutes the fact that she is actually being mean. It is as though this person has perfected the art of communicating cruel comments so skillfully that it takes a moment before most people pick up on the fact that there is poison in her words. There was no difference this time and I quickly realized that she had not changed.  She was still hurling honey covered insults.  The difference is that her words now lack the power to hurt  like they once did. I found myself seeing her through new eyes and wondered why she ever had the ability to make an impact on me in the first place.  Perhaps I see things differently because life has taught me that those who belittle others do so because they feel small or worthless themselves.

Some of the most merciless behavior ever perpetrated looks very nice. The sweeter a lie sounds, the meaner it really is.  Meanness emerges when we believe that we have no power, that we’re passive receptors of life’s vagaries. Inner peace follows when we begin responding to cruelty—our own and other people’s—with the authority we’ve possessed all along. " Martha Beck"

 

Looking at this person I now realize that if I met this person outside of the family circle, she is not someone I would ever choose as a friend.  She is certainly not someone I admire.  For a brief moment I wondered; did she change or did I? 

 

“No one can make you a victim without your consent.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

 

I have matured into the person I am because of the people, good and bad, who have touched my life over the years.  As an older and wiser version of myself I now know that I am the one who is ultimately responsible for the person I have become and, since I like the person I am, I refuse to define my value through the comments of others. As a result, I found that it was the change in my own attitude which rendered this person powerless to hurt me.  I also know that because of my mother’s failing health, and the family dynamics, I will be need to see her from time to time. However, she is now a mere detail that I am forced to deal with because the old feeling of intimidation is no longer there.  I refuse to engage in a war of words that will only encourage and empower her.  Some people live in a state of conflict and do not understand any other way.  My response is to just shrug my shoulders and say "Well, you and I are different people." Then I walk away.  Although this person remains unchanged, I now know that I have changed.  

 

                    

I believe that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

 I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are but we are responsible for who we become.

"I Believe" Author unknown.

 

I believe that every experience has its purpose. Bad things happen and we are all faced with someone who attempts to destroy the confidence we have in ourselves at some point in our lives.  There are situations that we cannot always control. However,we do have choices which will either give or relinquish the power we have over ourselves.  Our power comes from the choices we make.  We can choose how we respond and we can choose how we move forward.

 

 

 

The Just In Time Theory

Someone asked me once if I am afraid of dying. My answer is no. Death is not what scares me. I am afraid of pain, I am more afraid that I will die and the special people in my life won’t know how much I care about them, but my greatest fear is that time will pass until suddenly I realize that, not only did I not attain my dreams,  the opportunity had passed because I waited too long.

This is on my mind at the moment because my mother is living my greatest fear. Through the years she had a variety of excuses for not making time to truly live and her relationships with special people are now nonexistent. There was always tomorrow to make time for living because she had other things to do.  The people in her life were treated like an old newspaper that needed to be tossed when they outlived their usefulness. What saddens me is the fear and regret that are evident in her eyes when I hear her talk. Mom is in poor health and exhibiting signs of dementia. During one of her lucid moments she understood that we are giving her a desperately needed lifestyle change. She became upset as she said “No!  I had it all planned. Now I am finally ready to work on my house and do the traveling I have always wanted to do.”  I didn't reply because words wouldn't come.  How do you tell someone that they waited too long and the opportunity is gone?


On the radio I heard someone asking for advice from a radio talk show host. He said that he always worried about the future. His focus was on saving every penny and making certain he had supplies to last him at least one year. He felt that disaster could happen at any time so he waited and prepared. When his wife left him, he began rethinking his life style. His question  to the talk show host was to ask if he should payoff the house. He had the funds in savings to pay off his house and car but was afraid he would need the funds if the economy plunged further down than it already had. The talk show host told him that he is living his life through fear which is not truly living. This host went on to say that he needs to turn off the talk radio and begin living his life through faith because even if we spend every minute and every penny preparing there are still no guarantees.



This line of thinking follows the  philosopher Pascal who subscribed to the “Just in Case Theory.” Pascal said that “all things are obscure so we must prepare for what we cannot see.” Yet, most successful businesses operate by the “Just in Time Theory” which states that we should focus on ‘now’ while remaining open to change.  Stockpiling inventory for future reserves actually drives up costs and reduces revenues. The 'Just in Time Theory' is like living on faith. Yet, it is so easy to get caught up in our daily living that we postpone and began to live according to the "Just in Case Theory."   Then one day we look up and realize that the kids are grown, our health is failing, and life went on but it passed us by.


Taking steps to change the lifestyle of an uncooperative parent when there are no other options is one of the more difficult things I have had to do. The fact that this parent hasn’t wanted anything to do with me in fifteen years creates its own set of unique challenges. I think that the only positive in this situation is that she struggles to remember who I am and, when she does, she doesn’t remember that she doesn’t like me. However, she always remembers the goals that she never accomplished.  This is a reminder that time marches on irregardless so I need to stop making excuses and start making plans. The time to truly live  life is now.

Absolute Thinking

There are a few things in my  life that I will be eternally grateful for.  What tops this list are my family.  However, not all of my family shares my DNA.  Most of the people who I count as family come from friendships that have evolved into something closer. 

Society's definition of family is an absolute definition of shared bloodlines while  the definition of friendship is more of a mercurial relationship that can dissipate at any second. Yet, I have relatives that I would never consider family. On the flip side, I have several friends that are more like my family than some of my relatives have ever been. I think this is the danger in absolute thinking.  Assumptions are often wrong and, since life doesn't come with a set of directions, sometimes the answer is not as simple as yes or no.

 Recently, I went through  several stressful weeks with a family issue.  During that time, my friends were there to offer support and help in whatever way they could. Once life began to settle into a normal pattern I  met my friends for dinner at our favorite haunt.  This time, the conversation took a more sombre turn as we shared  how much we value our friendship.  One of ladies shared that, years ago when she first met me, she didn't like me very much. She said that she thought I was unapproachable.  As she grew to know me better, she realized I am nothing like her first impression. and she loves me like a sister.

My friend "G" and I were discussing this conversation later.  What neither of us shared with that particular friend is that we didn't like her much at first either because her attempts to get acquainted were too intrusive. The truth is that "G" and I are both very reserved until we know someone better.  "G" and I have similar backgrounds and have felt the sting of betrayal so, although we are both freindly to everyone,  neither of us  will  open up on a more personal level to just anyone. Our other friend is the social butterfly who wants to know all about everyone at first meeting and does not hesitate to ask personal questions.  She can be downright nosey and doesn't understand that not everyone wants to share everything about themselves with her right away.  Her motive is pure but someone, who is reserved like myself, can find her approach to be offensive.  Our friendships didn't just happen. The relationships evolved through shared experiences that allowed us to gain a better understanding of each other.

"A friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg and overlooks the fact that you are half cracked."

Author Unknown

 I heard someone say once that friends are like onions.  We need to peel back the layers to discover the true essence of who a persons truly is.  Sometimes that first impression is right and is also wrong. An example is my friend's first impression of me.  She was correct.  I was unapproachable to someone who was trying to know too much too soon.  As she grew to know me better she discovered that I am reserved but once I open up she witnessed a person she could relate to. With time a friendship developed.

I think that this is where the danger lies in absolute thinking.  We form an opinion based on an assumption. When that assumption doesn't hold up it forces out us out of our comfort zone and we must re-evaluate what we initially deemed to be absolute. By the end of our conversation "G" and I had decided that sometimes the answer isn't yes or no because it can actually be both.

The Dead Sea

When my father was alive I enjoyed making the trip back home.  The drive into the mountains has some spectacular scenery that evoke wonderful memories.  However, since his passing the trip home has been more of a duty to do a wellness check on a mother who doesn't want anything to do with me unless she needs help. 

Almost two weeks ago I received the call that my mother needed help.  After taking time off work, and a couple of thousand dollars spent on her medical expenses, she was self sufficient enough to go home.  This is going to sound cold hearted  but I personally think that her home needs to be condemned and she needs to be in assisted living.  However, the state assesses her as having the ability to maintain her daily existence so I was required to respect her wishes and take her home.  I did this with mixed feelings because, although I don't have warm fuzzy feelings towards my mother, I still see an 86 year old woman who isn't as strong as she used to be and is living in deplorable conditions.

The time that my mother stayed with me was stressful.  Her entire focus was on herself.  She met my son, her grandson, who she had not made time to see in fifteen years and met her great granddaughter for the first time.  Since my daughter is overseas she could only see pictures. My sister came to town after mom was released from the hospital and stayed two days.  Since the tension between the two run very high I am both surprised and grateful that my sister stayed as long as she did.

When looking into some supplemental insurance for her medical I discovered, quite by accident, that mom has funds which places her in a comfortable financial position.  These funds, plus the two properties that she owns, prevents her from qualifying for any type of assistance outside of medicare and her social security checks.  We brought up the subject of the money I had to pull from my savings to pay her hospital expenses and asked if she had funds to reimburse me.  She could answer, right down to the penny, how much she had in her checking account and how much social security she receives but when my sister approached her about reimbursing me the funds for her own medical bill she suddenly accused her of trying to take her money.  When I approached her, she didn't accuse me but became vague and said she would see if she could afford it.   I knew in that moment that my money is gone.  My sister said she would reimburse me half since we share this burden. I am grateful that I do not need to bear the full financial burden  but I resent my mother's selfishness.

Although I regret that mom's life has evolved into this deplorable situation, I realize that she is in this situation of her own choosing.  My mother definitely has the means to improve her situation but refuses to invest time in her family or money in her own quality of life.  So I did what I could and bought her some groceries, which I had to pay for,  then I took her home.  The essence of the woman I have always known became apparent as I realized that during this entire time I did not hear her say thank you, or  I am glad I got to see my grandson and his family, or indicate a desire to see us again, and as I was leaving she told me she didn't need my help now and then walked away without saying goodbye.

My home town is a small town and a lot of good people live there. Usually, I stop at my father's grave to place flowers and then make a trip for Mexican food at my favorite place.  This time I didn't stop.  My foot was on the gas pedal pushing the speed limit because I could not get home fast enough. 

I have always said that life is like a river.  We can't control the current, we can only respond to it. A river takes from the lakes but gives back to the oceans while creating life and happiness on it's journey. If we  take without giving our lives become like the dead sea.  My  mother's life is a stagnant pond.  We are where we are in life because of the choices we make and I choose the river.