Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.
Helen Keller
I love to kayak or just spend time outdoors so I try to get out often as time will allow. What you see is what you get with any outdoor activity so it is important to check the ego at the doorstep and focus on fun and safety. Inexperienced friends are welcome to join me on the easier kayak outings but the one predator I have learned to approach with caution is the male ego. Someone who is inexperienced with a willingness to learn is much less of a risk than someone who refuses to admit that they don't know it all.
I wonder if the reason men resist taking instruction from a woman is because it conflicts with that male self image which resembles a buff guy with dusty boots doing commercials for Trucks.
A couple of years ago my kayak club planned a trip to Colorado. A good friend of mine, who is a single male, suggested that we partner together. I was concerned that I would hold him back because he said that camped often. However, weather conditions forced a change so the group decided to camp and kayak in mountains closer to home. My friend and I decided that it would still be best to pull our resources for the outing. On this trip I discovered two things.
First: The outdoor skills my father taught me are still ingrained in me.
Second: A companion carrying an ego in his backpack is a
setback not an asset.
The basic skills, such as lighting a campfire, came back to me as the need would arise. I had no problem putting up my tent or setting camp. My concerns on becoming a burden to my more experienced partner were beginning to fade as I stood back to admire the tent I had just set up. To my amazement, I saw my friend sitting spread eagle on the ground reading instructions on how to set up his tent which was laying flat on rocky ground. I asked if he needed help but he assured me that the instructions had all the help he would need. Since he was erecting his tent on rocks, I asked if the area with pine needles would be more comfortable but he felt the rocks was the best spot to pitch a tent so I said nothing further. It was well over an hour before his tent was set up and it was sitting on hard rocky ground. As the weekend went by I had to show him how to start a fire, cook a meal on an open fire, how store the food so we won't attract predators, not to be afraid of butterflies with grey wings, to avoid flying ants, and look for landmarks to get back home when hiking away from camp.
At a 7000 foot elevation the nights are cold so on our first evening the shorts and t-shirt he was wearing were not warm enough. As he stood shivering in front of a fire, that I had to start, he finally said he was cold but he didn’t bring any warm clothing. He didn't even bring a jacket. Fortunately, I buy sweatshirts in a men’s size large because the longer sleeves warm my hands and they hang past my knees providing extra warmth. I loaned him one of my over sized sweatshirts and asked what kind of camping he had done in the past. It turns out that he always had an RV with a heater, kitchen, and shower.
By the end of our adventure, he admitted that his back was hurting from sleeping on rocky ground and his ego was dented. However he said he was grateful that, not only did I save him from starvation and hypothermia, I helped him discreetly without embarrassing him in front of our friends.
The lesson to be learned from this experience is to clarify and define before embarking on an adventure. To one person, camping may mean a cabin with no microwave but, to someone else, that would only be classified as an outdoor experience.
No man is an island; entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent.”
John Donne.
More recently a male friend of mine wanted to try kayaking so I took him out to teach him a few basics. He did well and it was an enjoyable afternoon. When he wanted to join a more extensive kayak outing I was happy to include him. However, this was an 8 mile paddle and I made the invite conditional by telling him that if he became tired we would head back to shore on our own. The moment he arrived at my house I knew his ego was in the driver seat. He began to insist on using his truck even though my SUV is already equipped with racks and wouldn't take direction on how to tie the kayaks down until I insisted on securing them in a specific fashion.
On arriving at the water, we clashed again when he refused to wear the life vest. Since it was a long paddle amongst rock canyons with a strong undercurrent I said if he won’t wear the vest then we are packing up and going home. I always put safety first. If he wants to risk himself that is fine. However, he is in one of my kayaks and I don’t want to put others at risk if they have to rescue him plus I don’t want my kayak lost or damaged because of his negligence. I pointed out that the more experienced kayakers even were wearing their PFD's. There are two group rules that everyone is expected to follow:
No one paddles alone.
No one paddles without wearing the appropriate safety gear.
My friend reluctantly put the vest on.
It was a beautiful paddle and, after a few hours, we landed at an island about 4.5 miles from shore to eat and take a break. When it was time to launch again, he tried to get in the kayak the wrong way. I asked if he remembered the correct technique to enter a kayak to prevent tipping it over, He ignored my comment and began telling me he has his own way and doesn't need advice. However, in the middle of his ‘know it all’ speech the kayak flips and he found himself wet from the waist down with a waterlogged kayak. I rescued the paddle but he continued to refuse help from anyone. He turned the kayak sideways to drain the water instead of taking the advice of more the experienced kayakers to take everything out then turn it upside down or use the bilge pump that I keep on each of my kayaks to pump out all of the water. As a result, he ended up paddling the remainder of the trip with his feet sitting in several inches of cold water. Since he was resistant to advice, I didn't bother to mention that the extra weight requires more effort when paddling which meant he had to work harder to keep up.
When we got to shore he exited the kayak the appropriate way but then he decided to come and help me. I had beached on rock so my kayak was docked but easily dislodged. My friend kept stepping forward while reaching his hand to help me exit. I couldn’t move forward because he was blocking my way so my focus was to get out of the kayak without dislodging it. although I kept asking him to step back and let me do it myself he insisted that I needed help and kept coming forward while extending his hand. Suddenly his foot slipped on the rocks. I was three quarters of the way out with one foot still in the kayak when his foot kicked my kayak backwards dislodging it. In a matter of seconds I found myself sitting waist deep in the cold water as I heard him say “See, if you had let me help you.....” I felt a moment of extreme frustration but then I just laughed. In the years that I have been doing this I have never taken a dunk so I merely said “there is a first time for everyone but I would prefer that my first dunk wasn’t in January.”
Unity is strength... when there is teamwork and collaboration, wonderful things can be achieved.
Mattie Stepanek
My friend and I carried the kayaks up to his truck. Instead of waiting to load the kayaks together he told me that he can do it. Suddenly others stopped what they were doing as I heard the hull of my precious kayak drag on asphalt. I quickly spun around prepared to tell him to stop dragging my boat but before I could say a word I saw him lift the kayak, cockpit side down, over his head and all of that cold water which remained inside from his previous refusal to follow instructions poured out soaking him from head to toe. I came over and said I would help tie the boats down. This time he just nodded in agreement and didn’t argue when I tried to help. I realize that in his own way he was trying to help but the lesson here is that no matter how much we know, there is always something to learn. No matter how strong we are, we are stronger as a team.
My description of ego: An attitude that causes people to do foolish things in an attempt to not look foolish.
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