Recently, my friends and I started talking about putting up walls in our lives. This discussion started when one of my friends acknowledged that she was going to buy some basic tools and a power drill for the first time ever. The window treatments she purchased a year ago are still not installed because she hoped to have a man in her life to do it for her. She is single with a house so I asked how she has managed without any tools all of these years. She said she always tries to find a man to do the work for her. Suddenly she motioned around the table to those of us who are single and said, “I don’t want to be like you are. You are all single and comfortable with it. It is as though you have erected walls in your lives that cause you to avoid relationships. ”
“So,” I ask, “exactly what is it about me that you don’t want to emulate?”
“She thinks for just a moment and then she says, “I don’t want to be comfortable being single. I want to have someone in my life to put up my curtains for me. You, on the other hand, would just jump in and figure out how to do it yourself. You ladies have erected walls of independence which prevent a relationship.”
To be completely honest I resented that statement because I think people put up walls as an excuse to avoid dealing with something that makes them uncomfortable. None of the single women at that table are avoiding a relationship and each of have had serious long term relationships that just didn’t work out. We are simply comfortable enough with our own lives that we can be selective about who we allow to become part of our life.
Since she is a good friend I replied to her cautiously. “There are no walls in my life. People put up Walls as an excuse to avoid a situation that makes them uncomfortable. You know me better than that. In fact,” I say with a smile, “I have been on many dates in the last year alone that made me uncomfortable. However, at this stage of my life, there is more to consider than just me. I have kids, a granddaughter, and family. I won’t settle and I won't expose my family to just anyone. Dating is like shoe shopping, we are looking for the best fit. Personally, I think dating is like the story of Goldilocks and The Three Bears.”
She laughed and said, “Why Goldilocks and The Three Bears?”
I told her that I think that the story must have been written by a single woman navigating the dating world. Remember the story? Goldilocks is exploring, gets lost, enters the house and tastes the porridge until she found one that was just right, then tested the chairs until she found the right fit, then moved into the bedroom to test all of the beds until she found the right fit for her. In reality, isn’t that was dating is all about? A relationship has layers so we endure first dates until we find a potential fit, then we proceed to the second date. If the man is a good fit at level two we proceed to something more intimate. The process repeats until we find the perfect fit at every level. The porridge represents that first dinner date, the chair represents that casual time together, the bed represents the more intimate relationship. The search for a mate is a work in progress. We are not looking for perfect men, just the perfect fit for us.”
One of my friends laughed, “I get it! Goldilocks and The Three Bears will never be the same for me again, but it makes sense!” We all laughed when she said, “Porridge, chairs, and then the bedroom..hmmm… makes me wonder if that is where the three date rule came from.”
I continue. “OK, so imagine the very act of dating as entering the house. We step away from what doesn’t fit and enjoy what does. The statement about putting up walls was an unfair statement because the fact that we date at all supports the fact that we have not put up walls. We are only single because we haven’t found someone who is the right fit for us.”
Just then someone started laughing and said, “Yes, but just like the end of Goldilocks and The Three Bears story, once we find the right fit the family and their drama will surround us so we want to run away.”
A few weeks later we all got together on a Saturday to help my friend install her curtains. The outing began with a trip to a nearby Home Depot to help my friend buy her very first power drill. We walked into the tool department and it only took a few minutes for Jeff, the attractive middle aged sales associate with no wedding ring on, to assist us. For the next half hour we talked to Jeff who explained the features of the power drills and offer advice on hanging the curtain rods. Then we walked over to find toggle bolts and received assistance from another nice looking, age appropriate man. As we prepared to leave my friend said “ I can't beleive that I have spent five years avoiding independence because I thought it would hold me back. On my first trip to Home Depot I met two single men and one gave me his telephone number, in case I needed advise on my project of course.” She smiled and said “I think I am going to enjoy learning to become an independent woman.”
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