The Single Stigma

Being single is sometimes difficult, not because I am not in a relationship, but because some people assume that not having a significant other means we also have no true agenda.  When a schedule conflict forces me to decline an invitation, people are sometimes offended because they think that since I have no significant other I only have limited responsibilities and therefore I have full control over accepting or declining an invitation.  However, life is what we make it and I have a full life along with my own set of commitments. Of course, most of the invitations I do accept will come with the inevitable question  "Are you seeing anyone?"  Saying no will get me a look that says "Well, why not?" 

" I don't like being labeled lonely just because I am alone."

Delta Burke.

Recently I  was talking to a friend who faces the same challenges because of her single status. I shared with her some of the comments I hear from people because I have been unmarried for so long.  Along with the comments about choosing to stay single, we agreed that what irritates us the  most is that some people assume that we can always be always available, that we are  unable to accomplish much because we are alone, and that at times we are simply not taken seriously.  It is not unusual for well meaning friends to try and interfere in an attempt to fix our situations for us without asking first.  These are tricky situations to handle because, although they can be infuriating, these people do care and actually do have good intentions.  Their methods may not be the best but we realize that they just want us to be happy. 

Not too long ago, a married couple came to visit from out of town and stayed at my house for the weekend.  I went to the store with the wife and  as I walked back into my house I was surprised to see the husband on a ladder taking my ceiling fan apart. 
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Oh, your ceiling fan had a 'twick' in it.  As long as I am here I decided to repair it for you."  He said.
He is an accountant and not known for handyman skills so I said nicely "No, I can take care of it.  Please just put it back together."
His ingored my objection with , "Don't mention it!  As long as I am here I am happy to help."

I was annoyed because he obviously missed the fact that I was not saying the words Thank You.  The wife stood silently as I told her husband that I appreciate what he is trying to do but I prefer to handle repairs on my own.  I have my own tools and what I can't handle I usually call a handyman that I know.  This story ends with a bill to purchase and install a new fan.  The damage done by the attempted repair would have cost more to repair than it cost me to replace it. I appreciated his good intentions but I can guarantee if I had a man in my life he would have asked before started the project to begin with.   

"Girls are like cell phones, they like to be held and talked to, but press the wrong button and you're disconnected. Guys are like buses. If you miss that one, another will be along soon."

- Anonymous

 
I can't write this without mentioning the times when an invitation also included the surprise of arriving to find an available single male at the function that the hosts discreetly pair me up with for the evening.   Friends or family who put thought into the  introductions and told me in advance that a single male would be at the function actually created a  nice experience.   However, when I am surprised upon my arrival with a single male introduction it isn't always as pleasant.  In the past I have been  forced to sit dinner with "Mr. Almost Divorced, Mr. Barely Divorced, Mr. Cheap, Mr. Snob, Mr. Unemployed, Mr. Almost Employed, Mr. Barely Employed, Mr. Whiner who spend hours talking about his ill health and offered to share the names of his doctors, Mr. bitter about the ex wife,  Mr. Drinks Too Much, Mr. Know It All, Mr. Spray on Tan Guy, Mr. too much cologne guy, Mr. Midlife Crisis guy, and then there is the guy I call Mr. Denial.   Mr. Denial is the guy who claims he is very athletic but  obviously hasn't been off of the couch in 20 years and rambles on for hours about the backpacking trip he took in 1981.   Last,but not least , was Mr. Salon guy who has so much product in his hair that his head could be used as a weapon.

"My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil."

Source Unknown.

My friend and I laughed our way through a few more stories but then she voiced an interesting observation. "Why is it socially acceptable to have multiple marriages but being single by choice comes with a stigma?" 


I have to agree with her observation. At times it feels as though we live in a society where it is a stigma to be single for any length of time but it is socially acceptable for people get a new spouse  as often as they buy a new car.  Is this really the goal I am expected to strive for? 

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." - Sex in the City

I am so grateful for the friends and family who ask before they jump in and try to fix my life,  or ask before they start taking apart my ceiling fans, or let me know in advance that a single man will be at the dinner so I am not surprised when I arrive.  These things are simple courtesies that show respect and should be extended to everyone in spite of their marital status.

“When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere."

François de la Rochefoucauld

Being single does have it's lonely moments but  I do enjoy my freedom. Since I have never been someone who tries to blend with the crowd it doesn't bother me if I don't always fit in with the expectations of society. I don't mind attending events with a friend or even attending alone if no one is available.  What does bother me are the expectations that society has of me.