Goldilocks and the Single Woman.

Recently, my friends and I started talking about putting up walls in our lives. This discussion started when one of my friends acknowledged that she was going to buy some basic tools and a power drill for the first time ever. The window treatments she purchased a year ago are still not installed because she hoped to have a man in her life to do it for her. She is single with a house so I asked how she has managed without any tools all of these years. She said she always tries to find a man to do the work for her.  Suddenly  she motioned around the table to those of us who are single and said, “I don’t want to be like you are. You are all single and comfortable with it. It is as though you have erected walls in your lives that cause you to avoid relationships. ”

“So,” I ask, “exactly what is it about me that you don’t want to emulate?”

“She thinks for just a moment and then she says, “I don’t want to be comfortable being single. I want to have someone in my life to put up my curtains for me. You, on the other hand, would just jump in and figure out how to do it yourself. You ladies have erected walls of independence which prevent a relationship.”

To be completely honest I resented that statement because I think people put up walls as an excuse to avoid dealing with something that makes them uncomfortable. None of the single women at that table are avoiding a relationship and each of have had serious long term relationships that just didn’t work out. We are simply comfortable enough with our own lives that we can be selective about who we allow to become part of our life.


Since she is a good friend I replied to her cautiously. “There are no walls in my life. People put up Walls as an excuse to avoid a situation that makes them uncomfortable.  You know me better than that.  In fact,” I say with a smile, “I have been on many dates in the last year alone that made me uncomfortable. However, at this stage of my life, there is more to consider than just me. I have kids, a granddaughter, and family. I won’t settle and I won't expose my family to just anyone. Dating is like shoe shopping, we are looking for the best fit. Personally, I think dating is like the story of Goldilocks and The Three Bears.”

She laughed and said, “Why Goldilocks and The Three Bears?”

I told her that I think that the story must have been written by a single woman navigating the dating world. Remember the story? Goldilocks is exploring, gets lost, enters the house and tastes the porridge until she found one that was just right, then tested the chairs until she found the right fit, then moved into the bedroom to test all of the beds until she found the right fit for her. In reality, isn’t that was dating is all about? A relationship has layers so we endure first dates until we find a potential fit, then we proceed to the second date. If the man is a good fit at level two we proceed to something more intimate. The process repeats until we find the perfect fit at every level. The porridge represents that first dinner date, the chair represents that casual time together, the bed represents the more intimate relationship. The search for a mate is a work in progress. We are not looking for perfect men, just the perfect fit for us.”


One of my friends laughed, “I get it! Goldilocks and The Three Bears will never be the same for me again, but it makes sense!”   We all laughed when she said, “Porridge, chairs, and then the bedroom..hmmm… makes me wonder if that is where the three date rule came from.”


I continue. “OK, so imagine the very act of dating as entering the house. We step away from what doesn’t fit and enjoy what does. The statement about putting up walls was an unfair statement because the fact that we date at all supports the fact that we have not put up walls. We are only single because we haven’t found someone who is the right fit for us.”


Just then someone started laughing and said, “Yes, but just like the end of Goldilocks and The Three Bears story, once we find the right fit the family and their drama will surround us so we want to run away.”

A few weeks later we all got together on a Saturday to help my friend install her curtains. The outing began with a trip to a nearby Home Depot to help my friend buy her very first power drill. We walked into the tool department and it only took a few minutes for Jeff, the attractive middle aged sales associate with no wedding ring on, to assist us. For the next half hour we talked to Jeff who explained the features of the power drills and offer advice on hanging the curtain rods. Then we walked over to find toggle bolts and received assistance from another nice looking, age appropriate man.  As we prepared to leave my friend said “ I can't beleive that I have spent five years avoiding independence because I thought it would hold me back. On my first trip to Home Depot I met two single men and one gave me his telephone number, in case I needed advise on my project of course.” She smiled and said “I think I am going to enjoy learning to become an independent woman.”

Who Put The Ego In My Kayak?

Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.

Helen Keller

I love to kayak or just spend time outdoors so I try to get out often as time will allow. What you see is what you get with any outdoor activity so it is important to check the ego at the doorstep and focus on fun and safety. Inexperienced friends are welcome to join me on the easier kayak outings but the one predator I have learned to approach with caution is the male ego. Someone who is inexperienced with a willingness to learn is much less of a risk than someone who refuses to admit that they don't know it all.



I wonder if the reason men resist taking instruction from a woman is because it conflicts with that male self image which resembles a  buff guy with dusty boots doing commercials for Trucks.



A couple of years ago my kayak club planned a trip to Colorado. A good friend of mine, who is a single male, suggested that we partner together. I was concerned that I would hold him back because he said that camped often. However, weather conditions forced a change so the group decided to camp and kayak in mountains closer to home. My friend and I decided that it would still be best to pull our resources for the outing.   On this trip I discovered two things.

       First: The outdoor skills my father taught me are still ingrained in me.
       Second: A companion carrying an ego in his backpack is a
                    setback not an asset.

The basic skills, such as lighting a campfire, came back to me as the need would arise. I had no problem putting up my tent or setting camp. My concerns on becoming a burden to my more experienced partner were beginning to fade as I stood back to admire the tent I had just set up.  To my amazement, I saw my friend sitting spread eagle on the ground reading instructions on how to set up his tent which was laying flat on rocky ground. I asked if he needed help but he assured me that the instructions had all the help he would need. Since he was erecting his tent on rocks, I asked if the area with pine needles would be more comfortable but he felt the rocks was the best spot to pitch a tent so I said nothing further. It was well over an hour before his tent was set up and it was sitting on hard rocky ground. As the weekend went by I had to show him how to start a fire, cook a meal on an open fire, how store the food so we won't attract predators, not to be afraid of butterflies with grey wings, to avoid flying ants, and look for landmarks to get back home when hiking away from camp.

At a 7000 foot elevation the nights are cold so on our first evening the shorts and t-shirt he was wearing were not warm enough.  As he stood shivering in front of a fire, that I had to start, he finally said he was cold but he didn’t bring any warm clothing. He didn't even bring a jacket. Fortunately, I buy sweatshirts in a men’s size large because the longer sleeves warm my hands and they hang past my knees providing extra warmth. I loaned him one of my over sized sweatshirts and asked what kind of camping he had done in the past. It turns out that he always had an RV with a heater, kitchen, and shower.



By the end of our adventure, he admitted that his back was hurting from sleeping on rocky ground and his ego was dented. However he said he was grateful that, not only did I save him from starvation and hypothermia, I helped him discreetly without embarrassing him in front of our friends.

The lesson to be learned from this experience is to clarify and define before embarking on an adventure.  To one person, camping may mean a cabin with no microwave but, to someone else,  that would only be classified as an outdoor experience.

No man is an island; entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent.”

John Donne.

More recently a male friend of mine wanted to try kayaking so I took him out to teach him a few basics. He did well and it was an enjoyable afternoon.  When he wanted to join a more extensive kayak outing I was happy to include him. However, this was an 8 mile paddle and I made the invite conditional by telling him that if he became tired we would head back to shore on our own. The moment he arrived at my house I knew his ego was in the driver seat. He began to insist on using his truck even though my SUV is already equipped with racks and wouldn't take direction on how to tie the kayaks down until I insisted on securing them in a specific fashion.



On arriving at the water,  we clashed again when he refused to wear the life vest. Since it was a long paddle amongst rock canyons with a strong undercurrent I said if he won’t wear the vest then we are packing up and going home. I always put safety first.  If he wants to risk himself that is fine. However, he is in one of my kayaks and I don’t want to put others at risk if they have to rescue him plus I don’t want my kayak lost or damaged because of his negligence. I pointed out that the more experienced kayakers even were wearing their PFD's.   There are two group rules that everyone is expected to follow:

No one paddles alone.
No one paddles without wearing the appropriate safety gear.

My friend reluctantly put the vest on.


It was a beautiful paddle and, after a few hours, we landed at an island about 4.5 miles from shore to eat and take a break. When it was time to launch again, he tried to get in the kayak the wrong way. I asked if he remembered the correct technique to enter a kayak to prevent tipping it over, He ignored my comment and  began telling me he has his own way and doesn't need advice.  However, in the middle of his ‘know it all’ speech the kayak flips and he found himself wet from the waist down with a waterlogged kayak. I rescued the paddle but he continued to refuse help from anyone. He turned the kayak sideways to drain the water instead of taking the advice of more the experienced kayakers to take everything out then turn it upside down or use the bilge pump that I keep on each of my kayaks to pump out all of the water. As a result, he ended up paddling the remainder of the trip with his feet sitting in several inches of cold water. Since he was resistant to advice, I didn't bother to mention that the extra weight requires more effort when paddling which meant he had to work harder to keep up.




When we got to shore he exited the kayak the appropriate way but then he decided to come and help me. I had beached on rock so my kayak was docked but easily dislodged. My friend kept stepping forward while reaching his hand to help me exit. I couldn’t move forward because he was blocking my way so my focus was to get out of the kayak without dislodging it. although I kept asking  him to step back and let me do it myself he insisted that I needed help and kept coming forward while extending his hand. Suddenly his foot slipped on the rocks. I was three quarters of the way out with one foot still in the kayak when his foot kicked my kayak backwards dislodging it.  In a matter of seconds I found myself sitting waist deep in the cold water as I heard him say “See, if you had let me help you.....” I felt a moment of extreme frustration but then I just laughed. In the years that I have been doing this I have never taken a dunk so I merely said “there is a first time for everyone but I would prefer that my first dunk wasn’t in January.”

Unity is strength... when there is teamwork and collaboration, wonderful things can be achieved.

Mattie Stepanek

My friend and I carried the kayaks up to his truck. Instead of waiting to load the kayaks together he told me that he can do it. Suddenly others stopped what they were doing as I heard the hull of my precious kayak drag on asphalt. I quickly spun around prepared to tell him to stop dragging my boat  but before I could say a word I saw him lift the kayak, cockpit side down, over his head and all of that cold water which remained inside from his previous refusal to follow instructions poured out soaking him from head to toe. I came over and said I would help tie the boats down. This time he just nodded in agreement and didn’t argue when I tried to help. I realize that in his own way he was trying to help but the lesson here is that no matter how much we know, there is always something to learn. No matter how strong we are, we are stronger as a team.


My description of ego: An attitude that causes people to do foolish things in an attempt to not look foolish.

The Value of Silence

Last week a friend of mine wanted to go kayaking with me. This is a first for him and, like most people trying this for the first time, he brought more items than he really needed including his cell phone and internet tablet. Upon arrival we walked to a break in the trees and I showed him a small launching point that is hidden from view. The sky was a perfect blue, the water was like glass surrounded by green and flanked with mountains in the background. The beautiful view had a calming effect and we both began to unload in silence. For the first time in the many years that I have known him I heard him say, “I see no point in taking my phone.” When he locked the phone away in the car I knew Mother Nature was working her magic.


It was a beautiful paddle and at the end of our journey my friend was amazed when he realized that we had been on the water for four hours. Several times I heard him say how wonderful he felt because his stress had simply melted away. There is something about being immersed in a beautiful environment that gives me back what a noisy life has taken away.



The demands of work, family, friends, financial responsibilities, chores, email, cell phones, and the social networks are part of our day to day existence but sometimes it becomes information overload. When life becomes a constant source of noise and disruptions the time spent in the silence of nature is like a battery recharge for my soul. The wilderness is like my church, a place where I feel close to God, and a place for truth because in the silence I cannot hide from my thoughts.

In today’s world, it feels as though we are communicating more yet we are not truly communicating.  Too often people confuse the transfer of information as true communication.  We live in world that has has caused some to escape into a facade of virtual reality.  Just because someone has 500 Facebook friends does not mean that they are not lonely. A person who only has 50 facebook friends may be spending more time developing quality interpersonal relationships instead of the superficial relationships created in a virtual environment.   More  is not always better, it is only more.

I recently read several articles on how some young people struggle to connect  with others outside of the virtual environment. There is a NY Times article that talks about internet rescue camps that have become common in China, Korea, Japan and Taiwan.  These camps strive to break the addiction to virtual reality.  According to the article, it is a common problem that has documented cases of Internet addiction which resulted in death. In the article, they say the preferred method of breaking the addiction is to completely remove all media devices including cell phones and immerse the person in a natural environment and incorporate outdoor activities.

The desire for a slower pace is not a new concept. Throughout time, successful hospitality businesses have marketed this concept to people who are looking for an escape from a daily routine. There was a time when we would pay extra for a hotel which had additional tools to connect with the outside world during our vacations.  I was surprised at a recent article that said that the hospitality industry is targeting people in certain circles who are willing to pay as much $3000.00 a night to have what is a called a ‘black hole’ room. This is simply a room without any media access or television. On hearing this I realized that our civilization has come full circle as people attempt to retreat from the addiction of 24/7 communication.



I have never been one to buy into the concept of 24/7 connectivity.  In fact, I usually keep my cell phone on silent. People do ask why I don't keep my cell phone on my person and ready for a call 24/7.  My reply is, “I purchased my cell phone as a convenience for myself but when I am expected to be available to anyone at any time it is no longer a convenience, it is a leash.”  Yet, too often people think that responding to the demands of the cell phone is an obligation rather than a opportunity.



 It is important to stay in touch but everyone needs to find a balance. and remember that the virtual devices we use every day are only tools of convenience.   While some can't live without the media devices,  I find greater value in silence, in nature, in books, in paddling my kayak, or finding joy by doing some simple task like walking my dogs. This is my escape and my way of maintaining my emotional connection to the real world while maintaining my perspective on the virtual one.

The Single Stigma

Being single is sometimes difficult, not because I am not in a relationship, but because some people assume that not having a significant other means we also have no true agenda.  When a schedule conflict forces me to decline an invitation, people are sometimes offended because they think that since I have no significant other I only have limited responsibilities and therefore I have full control over accepting or declining an invitation.  However, life is what we make it and I have a full life along with my own set of commitments. Of course, most of the invitations I do accept will come with the inevitable question  "Are you seeing anyone?"  Saying no will get me a look that says "Well, why not?" 

" I don't like being labeled lonely just because I am alone."

Delta Burke.

Recently I  was talking to a friend who faces the same challenges because of her single status. I shared with her some of the comments I hear from people because I have been unmarried for so long.  Along with the comments about choosing to stay single, we agreed that what irritates us the  most is that some people assume that we can always be always available, that we are  unable to accomplish much because we are alone, and that at times we are simply not taken seriously.  It is not unusual for well meaning friends to try and interfere in an attempt to fix our situations for us without asking first.  These are tricky situations to handle because, although they can be infuriating, these people do care and actually do have good intentions.  Their methods may not be the best but we realize that they just want us to be happy. 

Not too long ago, a married couple came to visit from out of town and stayed at my house for the weekend.  I went to the store with the wife and  as I walked back into my house I was surprised to see the husband on a ladder taking my ceiling fan apart. 
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Oh, your ceiling fan had a 'twick' in it.  As long as I am here I decided to repair it for you."  He said.
He is an accountant and not known for handyman skills so I said nicely "No, I can take care of it.  Please just put it back together."
His ingored my objection with , "Don't mention it!  As long as I am here I am happy to help."

I was annoyed because he obviously missed the fact that I was not saying the words Thank You.  The wife stood silently as I told her husband that I appreciate what he is trying to do but I prefer to handle repairs on my own.  I have my own tools and what I can't handle I usually call a handyman that I know.  This story ends with a bill to purchase and install a new fan.  The damage done by the attempted repair would have cost more to repair than it cost me to replace it. I appreciated his good intentions but I can guarantee if I had a man in my life he would have asked before started the project to begin with.   

"Girls are like cell phones, they like to be held and talked to, but press the wrong button and you're disconnected. Guys are like buses. If you miss that one, another will be along soon."

- Anonymous

 
I can't write this without mentioning the times when an invitation also included the surprise of arriving to find an available single male at the function that the hosts discreetly pair me up with for the evening.   Friends or family who put thought into the  introductions and told me in advance that a single male would be at the function actually created a  nice experience.   However, when I am surprised upon my arrival with a single male introduction it isn't always as pleasant.  In the past I have been  forced to sit dinner with "Mr. Almost Divorced, Mr. Barely Divorced, Mr. Cheap, Mr. Snob, Mr. Unemployed, Mr. Almost Employed, Mr. Barely Employed, Mr. Whiner who spend hours talking about his ill health and offered to share the names of his doctors, Mr. bitter about the ex wife,  Mr. Drinks Too Much, Mr. Know It All, Mr. Spray on Tan Guy, Mr. too much cologne guy, Mr. Midlife Crisis guy, and then there is the guy I call Mr. Denial.   Mr. Denial is the guy who claims he is very athletic but  obviously hasn't been off of the couch in 20 years and rambles on for hours about the backpacking trip he took in 1981.   Last,but not least , was Mr. Salon guy who has so much product in his hair that his head could be used as a weapon.

"My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil."

Source Unknown.

My friend and I laughed our way through a few more stories but then she voiced an interesting observation. "Why is it socially acceptable to have multiple marriages but being single by choice comes with a stigma?" 


I have to agree with her observation. At times it feels as though we live in a society where it is a stigma to be single for any length of time but it is socially acceptable for people get a new spouse  as often as they buy a new car.  Is this really the goal I am expected to strive for? 

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." - Sex in the City

I am so grateful for the friends and family who ask before they jump in and try to fix my life,  or ask before they start taking apart my ceiling fans, or let me know in advance that a single man will be at the dinner so I am not surprised when I arrive.  These things are simple courtesies that show respect and should be extended to everyone in spite of their marital status.

“When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere."

François de la Rochefoucauld

Being single does have it's lonely moments but  I do enjoy my freedom. Since I have never been someone who tries to blend with the crowd it doesn't bother me if I don't always fit in with the expectations of society. I don't mind attending events with a friend or even attending alone if no one is available.  What does bother me are the expectations that society has of me.