The First Step in a New Direction

As mentioned in previous writings, I discovered that my life wasn't moving forward. It felt as though I was stuck in a repetitive cycle that didn't encourage me to grow plus I was still taking care of others.  I have never considered myself to be a selfish person but, all of sudden, I began to feel as though I was just existing and completely unfulfilled. My focus was on everyone and everything except myself.  The turning point came about this week when I responded in a very curt way to someone who didn't deserve it.  We all have that one person in the office who is nosey and/or will often simply not comprehend the fact that they are inconveniencing someone else.  It was this person who was on the receiving end of my harsh words.  The message was correct, the delivery of the message should have been different.

I have never been one to sit idle and meekly accept what life hands me so I was taken back by surprise when I realized where my life was.  This last week has been to contemplate how to initiate change.  It was necessary to identify what I can change now and what  I can plan for in the future. Furthering my education has been on my mind for a few years. There have been a couple of reasons I haven't enrolled in classes and one of them is money.  The other reason is that I have two choices.  The first choice is an additonal associates degree in Paralegal studies.  I could complete a certificate with 7 classes or obtain the Associates with 8 classes and all classes could be taken through a community college with the majority of them taken online and I would be finished in a year.  The other option is to return to University to complete my bachelors. However, I feel that for the immediate, I could get better bang for the buck with the Para Legal. Plus, while I am taking the Para Legal training I can slip in a math class that I need to complete my bachelors degree.  So, I spoke with my manager and she said that if I enrolled the bank I work for will pay  up to $3000 a year to reimburse me for tuition and books if I complete each class with a C or better.  I have an appointment with a counselor next week. 

The next hurdle is to have an other conversation with my adult child who has moved in.  I just paid a huge electric bill that really set me back.  It isn't that I mind the fact that she is here, but there needs to be some consideration for her impact on the household.  My daughter is in her own little world. She has been oblivious to how her actions impacted others ever since I can remember.  When she was small this used to frustrate me to no end.  Nothing has changed.  I am biting my tongue. because when I say something, I want to communicate in way that doesn't alienate her.  In reality, I am not asking for much more than slight contributions.  At the moment I feel that she is treating the living arrangement as though she were in a hotel.  She helps with the house ..only if it is convenient for her to do so.  No financial contribution although she has several trips planned, eats out ofen, and enjoys her regular shopping habits.  I am not certain that another conversation will have an impact but it has to be done.  I am not a maid and I really do need help with the utilities this summer. 

The other item on my agenda is to view my life as a whole. I am alone and there are times when I miss the companionship one receives in a relationship.  Household projects are more enjoyable if done together, cooking dinner, movies, intelligent conversation, the intimacy, and most of all just having someone who cares. However, I don't mind being alone and alone is better than a relationship that has constant conflict.  So, I have started dating.  I met one man, an attorney, we have been to lunch and coffee.  Nice man, no car stopper but not bad looking. The conversation was good and he seems nice.  I met an engineer and we hit it off immediately but I can't figure him out.  He runs hot and cold and after a couple of months we are still doing scheduled dinner dates.  Too much work so I decided to stop the contact.  I met a mechanic who is a very nice guy and really likes me.  The problem is personal hygiene.  Dirty hands, dirty fingernail, needs a haircut, and wears the same clothes the next day..for a date.  He told me he needs a good woman to help him get his life in order.  Nice guy or not, clean is a deal breaker plus I raised my kids I am not looking to raise a third. 

So, I have made strides and I intend to continue moving in a forward motion with my life. I am no longer a parked car. My next focus is not to accept treatment I am not comfortable with.  I need to learn to speak up for myself in a manner that communicates without reflecting my frustration with the situation.

I Am Where God Wants Me To Be.

Life is difficult.  Money problems, bearing the burdens alone,  dealing with adult children who really don't understand me,  an exhusband, and a demanding job.  Only a few of the issues I find myself facing on a daily basis.  However, I know I am exactly where God wants me to be.  I a had a dream full of meaningless events and over the course of several weeks every event has come to pass.  Not one of the events has any meaning to me except to reaffirm the fact that God is watching over me and guiding me. 

My most recent event happened today.  This month has been difficult and the past week I wasn't feeling well, I had an uexpected bill which strained my already strained finances, my workload was intense, and all of this combined with the normal life problems.  This week I was not the easiest person to deal with.  I barked at two   different people in my office and I am avoiding everyone else since my patience...well ... I don't have any patience at the moment. 

Today, from an unexpected source I received the following message:

A wise Cherokee elder was speaking to his grandson about life. He told him that each person has two wolves that live inside of us. 

The first Wolf is called Evil.  Evil is jealous, petty, angry, impatient, selfish, self absorbed, mean, dishonest, and focus's on all of the negative things in life.

The second Wolf is called GOD:  God is kind, patient, generouse, loving, understanding, honest, and his focus is on all of the positive things life has to offer.

The grandson asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The grandfather answered, "Whichever one we feed."

That caused me to look at my day with a new perspective and left me  feeling ashamed of my self pity.  It also renewed my faith that God is watching me and I am exactly where God wants me to be.

The Parking Spot

I learned years ago to be comfortable in my own company.  Growing up in an extremely strict and conservative household during the 1960's and 1970's, I found I was unable to fit in with those who lived in a more liberal home.  At the time I didn't realize how fortunate I was to have parents that taught me that wrong is still wrong, even when everyone else is doing it.  Mom and dad were very "black and white" in their definitions of what was acceptable and they didn't give me much room to deviate from the course.  As a result of not being allowed to participate in activities with others my age, I found myself alone more often than I wanted.  Once again,this was a blessing in disguise because I learned to enjoy my own company. Even today, I need to be left to my own company from time to time. 

Enjoying alone time can be both a blessing and a curse.  I enjoy the company of others and have many friends.  After breaking off a three and a half year relationship last year, I took a few weeks to just let myself hurt.  Then, I decided to reactivate my life.  I scheduled a girl's night at my house, joined a gym, started a book club, and started hiking again.  In other words, I started to enjoy all of the things that I had given up because I didn't have time. The one realization I had almost immediately after the relationship ended  was how much I missed my life. Ending the relationship hurt but it was the best decision for me because I am so much happier. Over the last year I have been pretty much on my own except for one dating experience ....which wasn't really a dating experience ...and was a huge mistake.  However, I digress and this is a topic for another day. 

On my birthday this year I realized that I never expected to be 51 and alone.  I have been divorced 11 years now and had a couple of long relationships. My ex-husband had been married twice and was living a good life but I was still alone and struggling to stay afloat. In December my grown daughter needed help so I took a draw on my 401K and told her to pay me back.  Then she asked if she could live with me until she got back on her feet.  It  is now August and, although my 28 year old daughter makes enough to support herself , she is still living with me for what is turning into an indefinte amount of time while contributing...nothing.  My privacy is compromised, my household routine was compromised, and she walks in each day acting as though she is the one being inconvenienced.   In fact, right now she is out on vacation while I am home struggling to make ends meet. She hasn't finished paying me back and conveniently didn't mention the vacation until the night before she was leaving.

It isn't that I dont love my children. They both mean the world to me. However, for the last 28 years I put their needs above my own and I don't want to be responsible for anyone except myself for a while.  Having my daughter move in isn't the issue. The problem arises because she has the expectation that her contribution should be the same as the contribution of a 16 year old.  She wants to go to grad school, which is a goal that I applaud, but it isn't my burden to bear.  So, I am not going to carry her financially, nor will I guarantee that dinner is on the table, or do her laundry.  That is where we have constant conflict.  My relationship with my own mother is strained. OK, let's be honest. My relationship with my mom is nonexistent because my mom has always put her own needs first.  Again...this is a topic for another post.  The short story is that I don't want my relationship with my daughter to be like the relationship with my mom  so I hesitate to say anything because I want to approach it correctly.

A few months ago I was talking about my concerns with a friend and she asked me, "So, what steps are you taking right now to change things?"  I told her I don't know what to do so I haven't done anything yet. Her reply was "Life is a highway and God helps us navigate but God can't navigate a parked car."  A few weeks later someone asked me "Now that your kids are grown, what are you doing to try and fulfill your dreams?"  At that moment I realized I didn't remember what my dreams were.  Doing nothing to fulfill myself was the worst thing I could do. Life is wonderful but nothing will change if I am not actively trying to bring about change. 

As a first step I talked to my daughter. She was a little defensive at first but things are improving.  Of course, it has only been a few weeks. I signed up for a dance class, joined a dating sight, and accepted a blind date offer.  No love at first sight but I have been on several dates and met several nice men.  I realize that I don't have to grow old alone unless I choose to. I am learning to kayak and started this blog.  The next step is continuing education as soon as I find a way to pay for it.  What I have come to realize is that even if I don't find that special someone I am blessed to have a full life and special people who will accompany me as I travel down life's road.

Lessons Learned

Joel Osteen said something quite profound a few weeks ago. He said that our greatest strengths can also be our greatest handicap.  I reflected on these words for days and realize how insightful they are.  For instance, I can be  incredibly stubborn.  This stubborn streak has helped me stand my ground and refuse to follow the crowd many times.  As a result, I often stay out of trouble when other are tempted to take a different road. The stubborn streak has worked against me too. At times, I only see my own point of view and I can be foiled by my own obstinance.  The first time I realized that not bending could work against me, I was about 5 years old.  I was raised in the country and my mother grew up Mennonite so there was a routine on Sundays.  Sundays meant church in the morning and a large dinner with family and friends in the evening.  I loved these dinners. In the summer we would have cookouts with watermelon and fresh vegetables from our garden. In the cooler months, or when we had special guests, mom would make roast beef with mashed potatoes or fried chicken. Two of my favorites.  One roast beef Sunday afternoon when we had special guests  I got upset over something and, I still do not remember what prompted my anger, I refused to eat.  I marched outside and sat on the front steps to make a point. My stomach rumbled in hunger as the smell of roast beef wafted in the air. The neighbor girl was asked to join us for dinner but she did not join me on the steps.  She made it clear that there was a roast beef dinner inside so this stand was mine alone. Although several people came out to ask me to join them, I went to bed hungry,  Although I knew I should have joined the family at the dinner table, I allowed my pride and obstinance to become vicotorious.  The result was I accomplished nothing except to make myself miserable. 

Since that day, I am not afraid to humble myself and admit when I am wrong.  From time to time even when I feel the decision I make is the best one I question myself.  Once again I see my 5 year old self sitting on the front porch steps suffering through hunger just to make a point. 

One year ago I ended a long relationship with a man I loved.  He has asked me several times over the course of the year to give us a second chance. Each time, it opens old wounds and I find myself wondering when I will stop hurting.  When I analyze the reason to continue to live without him, it makes sense.  Then I ask myself, if this is the right thing why does it still hurt so much?  My head tells me this is the right decision but my heart sees my 5 year old self sitting on the front porch steps as the smells of roast beef makes the stomach rumble.