A few months ago I started
playing piano again. This has been quite
an undertaking because I haven’t played for a couple of decades. I first started to play at age 8. Around the age of 15 my mother and I had a
difference of opinion regarding the type of music I should play so I refused to
continue lessons. In compromise, my mom
stopped insisting that I continue to go further with my piano lessons as long
as I continued to play. At the time it felt liberating to be able to focus solely
on some of the more trendy music but I regret the decision. Once I left home my priorities changed and
playing piano was something I did only if I had time until I eventually stopped
making time to play altogether.
“A painter paints pictures on
canvas, but a musician paints pictures on silence.”
Leopold Stokowski
A few people assume that I
started playing again so I could feel close to my mother. Playing
the piano does bring back memories of mom, but my reason for starting to play
again has nothing to do with my mother’s memory. I am doing this only for
myself. Mom taught music, and she was an accomplished pianist,
but she was more than just a musician to me. Playing music just brings me so
much pleasure and has always been an outlet for me when life wasn't kind. Now that I am playing again, music helps me reconnect
with that essential part of myself that I have been neglecting. When I was growing up,
music was as much a part of our daily ritual as breathing air. I can not begin to describe how much I
have missed playing. At times I would
consider carving out time for piano again but there was always something else
that needed my attention more so my piano was always put off for a later day. When I needed to become caregiver for my mom I thought about playing again but time was such a precious commodity during those years. Then I lost
both my sister and my mom within months of each other and began to realize that I need
to stop taking tomorrow for granted.
“Music can change the world because it can change people.”
Bono
Anyone who has been rendered emotionally or spiritually
bankrupt by a devastating loss or traumatic event seeks to find solace in something. When I am hurting, I tap into my creative
spirit by cooking, drawing, or writing as I listen to music. Although I stopped playing, music has always been present in my life. My regret is that it took a major life event
before I would give myself permission to carve out time to engage in something that I love. I think most
people put off pursuing their passions for a variety of reasons. For some of us time is the enemy; but it is
easy to become so busy putting everyone and everything else first that we risk
losing a part of ourselves. Some people
never start because they are afraid of failure. Other people are afraid of imperfection
so they give up on their creative endeavors too soon. I think that we need to engage in those pursuits that we are passionate about, and give ourselves permission to be imperfect, because nurturing our spirit is just as important as nurturing our physical selves.
As far as piano goes, I am doing much better than I thought I would do but I am not as good as I want to be. I signed up for classes because I need a refresher on a few things and I want to learn to both play and compose a different style of music. A group who plays for hospitals and charity events has talked to me about joining them. I don't think I am ready yet but I asked them to approach me in six months if they still need someone. Music is a time commitment, and practice is critical, but I make time because music is both a need and a want for me. It challenges my mind while it makes me feel both happy and content. I love my mom, I treasure the memories, and I am grateful that she gave me the gift of music but I am doing this for me.
“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to the loneliness.”
Maya Angelou
I tend to be a very social person but these last few months I have chosen to spend more time alone than I usually do. A few people have expressed their concern about this but I assured them that being alone and being lonely are completely different states of being. The saying that we are all responsible for our own happiness is true. Even when circumstances are out of our control, how we respond is a choice. I can choose to sit at home feeling sad or I can stay at home and engage in things that make me happy. My choice is happiness but after several difficult years I just needed time to discover my own rhythm once again.
As far as piano goes, I am doing much better than I thought I would do but I am not as good as I want to be. I signed up for classes because I need a refresher on a few things and I want to learn to both play and compose a different style of music. A group who plays for hospitals and charity events has talked to me about joining them. I don't think I am ready yet but I asked them to approach me in six months if they still need someone. Music is a time commitment, and practice is critical, but I make time because music is both a need and a want for me. It challenges my mind while it makes me feel both happy and content. I love my mom, I treasure the memories, and I am grateful that she gave me the gift of music but I am doing this for me.
“Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring
production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.”
Frank Zappa
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