My sister and I had a strained relationship in recent years but I am not going to park my heart in a place of regret. She was battling her demons and I wasn't always as forgiving as I could have been. The short version is that neither of us are blameless. I was just grateful that I was able to be with her while she was still coherent because she wasn't always so broken and, for a short time, I saw a glimpse of the sister I used to know. I believe that everything happens for a reason yet I struggled to understand the reason for this.
For everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.
Ecclesiastes 3:1
Grief is a process but I refuse to park my life in a place of pain. Yet, in spite of my determination to move forward I have been struggling. Oddly enough, my first smile revealed itself as my sister Sandie and I sat at the mortuary waiting to finalize arrangements. As we sat in the waiting room I heard a typewriter. When I mentioned it to my sister she said "Oh! Yes, and there is the carriage return." We got up to peek and saw the office manager using an IBM Selectric. I wondered how they were able to get ribbons for it and my sister wondered why it wasn't in a museum. It was then, without warning, that I felt a smile form on my face.
My home town hasn't changed much since I left thirty years ago. This mortuary still uses cassette tapes for music and the newspaper still comes out only once a week. Finalizing the details meant coordinating the schedules of the newspaper obituary, the judge, the doctor, and the mortician which was complicated by the fact that some key people were going out of town since we were coming up on a holiday weekend. I was a little annoyed at the delays and inefficiencies but in the end it is irrelevant. If the memorial is held this weekend or next weekend or even two months later it still would not bring her back. The important thing is that we honor her passing.
While Terri was still coherent, we had spoken with her about the funeral arrangements. She wanted to be cremated and we suggested that her ashes be buried with family. She liked the idea and said that wanted she to be with my dad. I was struggling with my own belief that everything happens for a reason until I realized that these delays had forced us to have her memorial on the anniversary of my father's death. The timing was perfect.
It then occurred to me that the timing of everything was perfect. Hospice had called us just in time to be able to talk to my sister and say goodbye while she was still coherent. I was able to be with her when she passed on and I come away from this with a new perspective on empathy and forgiveness. I was reminded that being stubborn and unbending is never the best approach because life is short and our legacy lies in the memories we leave behind.
During this time I was reminded of how small gestures can have a huge impact. When I returned to work, I walked into my office and it was filled with flowers and cards. I stood in shock for several minutes and then I cried off all of my mascara. A display of large Hershey's Chocolate bars made my eyes moist as I remember the multiple trips to the store with my sister to pick up her favorite chocolate bar. A simple email from a friend who lost his sister to cancer, sent on the day of my sister's passing, telling me his family is walking in the Light The Night walk. I made a donation in Terri's name. My granddaughter helped me make pizza dough from scratch, salad, wings, and a salted caramel sundae with chocolate covered strawberries, chocolate covered pretzels and hot salted caramel sauce. As we stood at the counter covered in pizza dough and melted chocolate, I looked at the mess in my kitchen and realized that the chocolate and flour can be removed with soap and water but, after I am gone, my legacy lies in the memories I create with those I love.
I am grateful that my final memories of my sister were moments of love. I was reminded to appreciate the small things. I was reminded of the value of forgiveness. I was reminded that life is short and my time is a valuable commodity. I was reminded to be more discerning about who I make time for because adversity has a way of revealing who our true friends are, who truly cares about us, and who we should invest our time in. I was reminded that life is not about how we enter this world, or how we leave it, but what counts are the memories we create in between. As everything began to fall in place, I felt assured that everything does happen for a reason, even if I don't understand it.
Rest in peace dear sister. You are loved.
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