Hidden In Plain Sight

There is someone I know who always makes a point of trying to start conversations with me.  A conversation with her consists of me listening politely with very little of the two way dialogue that a true conversation should consist of.   She is a good person but everything she says is negative and is reflective of victim mentality.   So, when she stopped by my office to talk recently, I pushed my work aside to listen to her rant about the issue that she found irritating at that particular moment. Within minutes her conversation had progressed to how unhappy she is with other areas of her life, complaints about her job, her relationships, or how people treat her.

Finally I asked, "So, what would make you happy with your life?"  
She answers me by saying, " To get up in the morning and be passionate about life, to feel the thrill of the upcoming day."
I asked, "So, what is stopping you?"
She didn't answer for several minutes and then she admitted,  "I don't know." 

I recently saw her in someone else's office complaining about her job, her relationships, how people treat her, and all of the reasons she can't change the situation while the other person sat back listening patiently.  I smiled and kept on walking.

The conversation with this person reminded me of a commencement speech that someone  convinced me to listen to on You Tube.  The speech is by David Foster Wallace and it was delivered in 2005 but, although I found it difficult to sit through the twenty two minute monologue,  I am glad I did listen to it all of the way through because the message is truly memorable.   He said "how we construct meaning in our lives is part of personal and intentional choice."  Next he went through what would be most people's daily routine from the time we hit the snooze button in the morning to the traffic jam on the freeway and the quick stop at the grocery store after a tiring day only to get up the following morning to do it all again.  In summary, he said that this is reality and that the responsibility of being educated is not to guarantee anyone a life of endless excitement and success. The Liberal Arts part of education is to teach us how to think, how to be in the present moment, how to maintain a sense of awareness, and to remember that in every moment we have a choice.  His speech was titled "This Is Water" and he actually begins his speech by telling the tale of two young goldfish swimming along. As an older goldfish swims by he asks the two young fish 'How is the water boys?'  They both automatically say "fine"  but, as the older goldfish swims away, one of the young goldfish turns to the other and asks 'What is water?'

"The real value of a real education has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over: 'This is water. This is water.'"

David Foster Wallace

My mother's affairs are almost settled so I now have time to do things other than try to sort through the chaos that was impacting my life over the last year.   My life feels almost normal again and for the past two weeks I have been able to get up on Sunday morning and  do something that I had previously taken for granted.  For two Sundays now I have been able to get up and enjoy my coffee on my patio surrounded by my garden with my dogs at my feet as I read my book.  However, the thrill over having nothing to do for a few  hours on a Sunday morning may eventually become too routine and, if it does,  then I have a choice. I can choose to swim through my routine, blissfully unaware of the possibilities, or I can just continue with the same routine every Sunday from now on while I complain endlessly to anyone who will listen, or I can choose to explore other ways to make my weekend morning special.  The solution, like the water in the goldfish bowl, is hidden in plain sight.    By choosing to maintain an awareness of the fact that there are other options, and know that the choice I make impacts my perspective as much as my perspective impacts my choice, is what will define my  attitude which also defines how I respond to the banalities of life in general.  Maintaining  an awareness that I do have the freedom to choose how I respond to these moments is what  changes an uneventful Sunday morning into an  hour of pure joy on my patio with my coffee, my dogs,  and a good read.

A Lesson From Mom.

"We are what we believe we are." - C. S. Lewis

Although I am not a fan of Hallmark Holidays, as Mother's day approaches I find myself reflecting more on what this holiday means to me.  Well, to be more precise, I find myself reflecting on what my mother means to me because our relationship has had some turbulent years.  Yet, I think in spite of all of the angst, there is a foundation of respect between us. We are very different people yet we are also very much alike in certain ways.

Mom taught me compassion and to appreciate life without the commercialism.  She taught me to be true to myself and that those who criticize me for being different are simply people who can't accept change, however, that does not necessarily mean that I am wrong or that I should conform.

 I grew up in an era where women were fighting for equal rights.  Growing up I read about people who refused to conform, and therefore, they had a great impact on our society.  I began to realize that my mother was onto something.   Mom made certain that I was aware of women like Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Susan B. Anthony, Margaret Sanger.  In my younger years I would listen to my mother and the women of the BPW Club discuss the women's Betty Friedman and the Women's Feminist Movement in the  1960's and 1970's.  I read about people who were different yet impacted history because they were true to themselves.  Martin Luther King, Abraham Lincoln, and Ghandi are a few examples.

 
Thanks to my parents,  I realize that there are always going to be people who will be trying  to convince me that my differences are actually flaws but, whether these people are standing in the spotlight voicing their opinions or standing in the shadows whispering them,  my greatest defense is to know who I am and to believe in myself.  I discovered that one can choose to learn from their mistakes and work to create a better future or we can let our insecurities take us prisoner.  No one is helpless because we have the power of choice and, when that choice is different than what everyone else is doing, we still need to be true to ourselves.

"Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." -Albert Einstein

Many great people in history were called failures because they didn't conform.  I have an old Ann Landers column hanging on my refrigerator titled 'Failure can provide a golden lesson.' The failure list is as follows:

Isaac Newton did poorly in grade school and was considered unpromising.

Beethoven's music teacher told him that 'As a composer, he is hopeless.'

Thomas Edison  was told that he lacked intelligence and should make his living by utilizing his pleasant personality

F.W. Woolworth worked in a dry goods store but his employer would not promote him because he didn't have "enough sense to close a sale."

Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper job because "he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.'

Winston Churchill struggled in school and had to take the 6th grade twice.

Babe Ruth struck out 1300 times, a major league record.

Thanks to my upbringing, trying to be someone I am not so I can meet the expectations of society, is not who I am.   I can get plastic surgery to erase my physical flaws and learn behave in a way that is foreign to me in an attempt to gain acceptance of others but, if I were to do these things, I would risk losing a part of myself in the process.  Everyone is unique but not everyone will be accepting of the differences and, good or bad,  the differences are what set us apart.. What is  important is that I accept who I am and, thanks to my mother, I do accept myself for who I am.  This is the one lesson I tried to share with my own children.  As a result of this lesson I am grateful to my mother, I am proud of my children, and I am happy with the person I am still learning to be.  Thank you to my parents and thank you to my mom for this invaluable lesson.

....we dive headfirst into the endless project of improving our physical selves. No cosmetic strategy ever fulfills our hopes, since what we hope for—the knowledge that we’re acceptable—is almost completely unrelated to physical appearance.

Martha Beck.

 

 

Happy Mother's Day

Taking Out The Trash

Just when I think that I have it all figured out, life throws me a curve.  In the last ten months, since I got the call to help my  mom, I began a journey of reflection and forgiveness.  To my surprise,  I discovered that forgiveness is not so much about the relationship, or the other person. Forgiveness is about setting ourselves free.  It is more like taking out the trash.  The trash still exists, we have simply moved it to another place so it cannot pollute our living environment.

We humans are imperfect beings so it is inevitable that people will hurt us at some point in time.  Sometimes the hurt is intentional and sometimes  it is because  two people will look at same situation and see things from a different perspective but, if we carry the pain of the past  with us everywhere we go, we  risk becoming a prisoner of our own pain and resentment.  My first step in the forgiveness process was to give people room to be human, to make mistakes, and  to be who God made them to be.  Just like the garbage in my trash bin, my past has not changed, I have simply  moved it to a different place so it can no longer pollute my spirit.

 I think that sometimes we are reluctant to forgive because we don't want to be hurt  again  but forgiveness and trust are two separate animals.  Forgiveness does not mean making ourselves vulnerable to someone who could cause us harm.  Forgiveness is simply the house cleaning process of letting go so past hurts no longer have any power over us and, as a result, it frees us to enjoy the present moment.

I read once that everything in life has a purpose and that nothing in life is wasted.  There must be truth in this because some of my greatest life lessons came from times of adversity.  Since great lessons can come from those painful times, I suppose that this is a form of recycling the emotional garbage in such a way that yesterday's waste does not block the path to a future of purpose and happiness.

"One man's trash is another man's gold."
Unknown

http://vimeo.com/52711779

The link above is  a short documentary video about a town in South America that literally sits on a landfill. They took what others considered garbage and recycled it into something amazing. This video reminded me that there is potential for good in everything and that the potential for beauty is everywhere. Everything begins with our perspective and the end result depends on what we do with the garbage that is left behind.