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My sister and I continue to wade through the memories of our childhood as we try to determine what we should keep, what we should sell, and what needs to be donated.  It is an emotionally difficult process.  Each time we come across some innocuous item that holds a precious memory, our hearts break all over again leaving us to try and regain composure so we can focus on the task at hand.

Some of the things that I found in my mother's house just leave me speechless.  For example, we found at least fifteen space heaters that are still in their original boxes and 10 new crock pots that sat gathering dust.. We found several dutch ovens, still in boxes, as well as boxes of dishes, and boxes upon boxes of sewing material.

Then there are the other things. The things that bring back memories.  On our last trip to her house, my sister took a new dutch oven home while the other five were tagged for a garage sale.   This evening I received a call and my sister was crying.  "Remember that Dutch Oven I brought back?"  I acknowledged that I did remember it.  "Well," she said, "I opened the box and it was full of dad's old fishing stuff.  I saw it and just started to cry. This is so hard!"

The memories in that house are everywhere and each of us have had a moment or two where the emotions are so strong that we can't hold back tears.  I am not usually an emotional person so I  thought I was prepared for this until I went into the bedroom at the top of the stairs.  It is a large room with lots of windows and a beautiful view of the mountains in the distance.   When I was young,  I would go into that room and sit in front of the windows to watch the sun go down, read a book, write, or sketch.  When I was seeking solace from hurt feelings or a  broken heart I could be found in front of that window.  It was also where I would wait for my dates to arrive since the view allowed me to see their cars drive up the street to my house.  The room was my mother's room but when she was  teaching or at a some meeting or another I would go to my spot in front of the window. This room had the essence of my mother, which I found comforting, combined with the wonderful view and I would always find solace there.  Recently I walked into that room for the first time in many years and my eyes gravitated to the same view I had always sought.  Without conscious thought,  I automatically looked around for my favorite chair and  I felt my stomach tighten when I realized that the view is the same but too much time had passed since I had come to see it. The chair was no longer there.  In that moment, I experienced a sense of loss that was so strong it was almost too overwhelming to bear.  I realized that I had taken my favorite corner for granted because I just assumed it would always be there.  The sadness of knowing that this was the last time I would ever experience that view cannot be put into words.   Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to be alone so I could sit in front of that window to watch a sunset just one more time as my mother played the piano in the family room below.  The realization that  those moments are gone forever was like a physical pain.

 When my dad passed away, it was sudden.  There was no opportunity for goodbye and I was just devastated. So I am grateful for the opportunity to become re-acquainted with my mother and to develop a good relationship with her again.  Yet, today my mother is often only a shadow of the woman I have always known because we are forced to watch helplessly as she continues to fade while the Alzheimer's does it's damage. Once again, my heart is broken and I am devastated.  I sometimes wonder what is worse,  to lose someone suddenly or to watch them slowly fade a little more each day as we are left to sift through the precious memories of the past.   It is so sad when I realize that is the last glimpse I may ever have of my childhood as the imprint of my parents lives are inventoried and categorized into keep, donate, and sell piles.

Loss is inevitable, yet we humans continue to take so much for granted.  I have lived on my own for far too long  to be homesick, yet here I am ...missing home. I miss my favorite window and I miss my father.  As imperfect as my relationship with my mother was, I  miss my mom as she used to be. I miss my old dog, my old cat, my old room, the tree in the backyard with the table that sat under it and the many conversations I had with my dad at that table.  I miss the sound of my mother playing the piano, the small town camaraderie, and the smell of my mother's lilac bush during the warmer months.  I miss the summer nights when my friends and I would sit on the front steps at my house to talk and stargaze long into the night knowing that my parents were only a shout away.

Each memory is a treasure and, as difficult as  this is,  I feel blessed. This has been an opportunity to see the remnants of my youth one last time.

New Year Resolution.

As I settle into the new year after this extremely busy holiday season I realized that we are in the middle of January and I have not made, nor have I considered, what my goals will be for the upcoming year.  So, I sat pondering the possibilities and came up with.........nothing.

Why it is that we humans are so enthusiastic about  planning our own fate? Usually we have the same end result as the Mayan Calendar  prediction as we find ourselves caught up in just another ordinary day because things didn't turn out the way we predicted.  Exactly what is the point of establishing a New Year resolution anyway?. Is it just tradition or the fact that having a goal to work towards offers a sense of purpose? After giving it some thought, I decided that it is both. I also decided that I have too much time on my hands if I have time to sit pondering these nonsensical thoughts.  I need to start getting out more. 

Finally, I decided to make resolutions that are realistic, attainable, and simple.   It is time to get back into exercising.  In reality, my body will never be it's 20 year old self again so I resolved to just be more active and start enjoying the outdoor activities that I sacrificed when family obligations intervened.  Walking my dogs more often, kayaking, or doing things I enjoy will get me back in shape. The ability to stick to my resolutions means setting goals that  are both simple, fun, and are things to look forward to doing. After all, if it isn't fun...why do it?

My resolutions are to make more time for family and friends, to start participating in activities that I enjoy, to save more money for a trip, and to learn a new skill. Easy... Simple.... Attainable.

Recently, while cleaning out my mother's house, I came across a rock tumbler and a box of pretty rocks.  I recalled that my mother had became interested in rocks and jewelry making some years ago. She joined the Gem and Mineral Society and I assumed that these items must have been part of her hobby.  I took the tumbler and the box of rocks home with me and let my granddaughter help me look through them. She said, "Nana, can you save this one for me from your collection?"  I looked at the rock she was  holding and realized that this rock tumbler could address several of my resolutions.  It is a project I can enjoy with my granddaughter, the rocks can be collected on nature walks, and it is a new skill that could actually be a lot of fun. There is the added benefit that  these activities are not expensive plus my mother enjoys knowing that her hobby is being shared by future generations. 


So for those of you with a resolution to spend more time at the gym to run on the treadmill  after a long day at the office, you will find me  hiking the hills, enjoying a bike ride,  or paddling a kayak amongst beautiful scenery with friends as I collect rocks to bring home and polish with my sweet granddaughter. 

It is already a very Happy New Year!

The Single Handicap

I have been divorced for more than ten years now and it seems that my single status bothers many other people more than it does me.  The advantage of being single is that I can go where I want when I want.   I am not accountable to anyone except my two dogs if I sleep in or have the girls over for a get together.  I like this.  However, the largest disadvantage to being single are the well meaning people who have a misconceived notion that being single is some type of a handicap.

One example is a gathering of some type where I hear comments like "Oh, did you come alone? I am so sorry." I often want to say 'Sorry for what?' Then there are those who are all too ready to help me meet my mate.  Sometimes these attempts at matchmaking are infuriating but most of them are situations that annoy me at the time but later I find myself laughing at them.

Recently my brother in law was helping us clear out my mother's house.  He kept telling me about someone he found who could help us with the manual labor part of the job.  On arriving at the house, my brother in law and this man were outside  moving large items into a dumpster.  At lunch my brother in law told me this person is single, divorced twice, and seems to be a good guy.  I began to focus on my food as I quietly listened to his diatribe because it wasn't clear if he was making a point about the fact that the man is an eligible bachelor or if it was that had a good feeling about his integrity. . 

The following day I offered to buy lunch for everyone and invited my brother in law's new friend to join us.  At the table, this person began talking about a recent storm in the area. He said, "The wind was so strong that I felt it rocking my old Astro Van.   Then I saw headlights, so I peered out of the window curtains and saw my pastor coming out to check on me because the wind was so strong that he was concerned.   I told him that I was doing fine and I was grateful that I didn't have to be out in that storm." 

I could not help but ask "You drive a 1975 Chevy truck and an Astro Van with curtains on the windows.  How did your pastor know where to find you?"

He replies suddenly, "No! I drive the truck but I live  in the van. I am building a house with no electric or plumbing because I want to live a minimalist lifestyle." 

"Interesting.  So, do you live off of the land or do you have a job?" I asked.

"No, I work. I  do sales at swap meets to generate income."  He said


I told him that he lived an interesting life and looked across the table at my brother in law who sat in an uncomfortable silence while  looking down at his plate....completely focused on his food.  The look on his face made me hold back a laugh as I said "Well, I sort of live a minimalist lifestyle too but I also like my electric coffee maker and indoor plumbing that provides me with hot showers in the morning." 

I wish people would stop acting like being single is a handicap.  Marriage isn't always the best option either. For those of you who think a person without a mate is like not having a limb I want to point out that marriage can go one of two ways.  The spouse can either be a halo that lights up your life or they can be a cancer you can't get rid of.  As for myself, I am in a good place with a house, a job,  family, friends,  an electric coffee maker, and indoor plumbing so stop trying to improve my life for me. I am doing just fine. 

Stuff

Now that my mother is settling into her assisted living facility, my sister and I have started the daunting task of going through her home.  Over the years my mother had become  a hoarder so we have not been looking forward to this task ....and the task is even worse than we feared it would be.

On the first day, with five of us working together, we still were not able to clear out  one room.  I suggested that we focus on the things that we don't want to lose, such as pictures and heirlooms,  and as we hunt for these items we can pile everything else into keep, donate, and sell piles.  This seemed to be the best strategy and at the end of the first day we had not made significant progress, but we did make progress.  What was most important was that we were able to clear a path and at the end of the second day we found old photos and some of the heirlooms that have been in my family for years.  However,  we also realized that it will be weeks before we are finished.

I was quickly reminded of the small town camaraderie that one doesn't find in a large city. Each of the neighbors brought us coffee and asked after my mom. Then we ate lunch at my favorite restaurant which is a small family owned place that doesn't even bring you a check.   At the end of the meal you go to the cashier and point out your table so she can ring you up.  This restaurant does things the same today as they did thirty years ago right down to the washroom with the cloth towel that loops around so you can dry your hands on the clean part.  The food is awesome and while we were at the register pointing out our table, a conversation developed when my brother in law was approached by a lady who said, "We heard you were coming." She then proceeded to ask what we needed. That very afternoon we had  a parade of people stopping by who purchase antique furniture, cars, and the houses.  I spent a lot of time taking telephone numbers and meeting people.   This did slow our progress, but I was grateful for each person who stopped by because once we are finished doing our inventory it will make the rest so much easier.  

As my sister and I found yet another box of Christmas ornaments that my mother had ordered by mail and never opened, she asked me "This is her life but to us it is just stuff.  Is this what our lives will be at the end? Just Stuff?"  I thought a minute and then said "The reality is that everything is just stuff anyway. It is only valuable if it has meaning to a person. For myself, anything that doesn't have sentiment is just stuff irregardless of the monetary value. "   At this point she picks up a nutcracker and got misty eyed. She turned to me and said "Remember these?"  I felt close to tears and just nodded. We laughed as we recalled that each Christmas dad would buy  a large bag of nuts and then sit at the table cracking them and my mother would fuss because the shells were being scattered everywhere.  Dad's nuts and the small argument that ensued was almost a family ritual at Holiday time. 

I am not fond of expensive china or crystal so I have never purchased any. However,  I did take a few items that have sentimental value to keep at my home.  As I looked at the items I wondered where I was going to put them and, if I am to be honest,  if  would ever actually  use them. However, the memories are too strong so we just couldn't dispose of them outside of the family and taking them to my mother's facility is not an option. I am glad that I brought them back with me because to some people these items would simply be 'stuff' but to us they are pricesless.