Christmas has always been a busy time for me but never as busy as this year has been. This year I didn't even have time to put up a tree and, after talking to a few other friends, apparently I wasn't the only one who didn't have time to decorate. A couple of relatives were a little perplexed because I didn't decorate much this year and they had no reservations in voicing their opinions on the subject. I just told them that I don't need decorations to feel the spirit of Christmas in my heart. In fact, if the Christmas spirit is dependent on a Christmas tree I would have experienced that warm Christmas feeling at Halloween when I was at the mall walking past holiday decorations and listening to the Christmas Carols which were being piped in on the speaker system.
In some countries Christmas is simply another excuse to celebrate. It doesn't matter if you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, the season is about faith and love, not tinsel and decorations. When we make the Christmas spirit contingent on putting up a Christmas tree it minimizes what this season is all about. In my home, the tree is for invoking memories and watching a child's eyes light up but the tree is not about Christmas. This year I am not hosting Christmas and I was short on time, therefore, I didn't feel it was necessary to invest too much time in decorating. However, I do miss seeing the multitude of home made ornaments that I have treasured for years hanging on the tree and illuminated by the tree lights.
I feel the Christmas spirit when sharing time with my friends and family. My weekend was spent making cookies with my granddaughter, time with family, shopping with a friend, and on Christmas morning my daughter spent 40 hours travelling so she could surprise me on Christmas morning. After lots of hugs and tears we watched two excited children enjoy their gifts then we spent time together preparing a brunch. This is what Christmas is truly about. I had the best Christmas ever and no tree was necessary to achieve this.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
The Transition.
My mother is now set up in an assisted living home and I will selfishly admit that, although I still have responsibilities, I am glad my life is once again my own. The woman I picked up and brought to my home six months ago had a completely different attitude than the woman who went into the assisted living last week. I can only describe her initial behavior as confrontational and this, combined with the personality traits that created the conflict between us in the first place, made things more difficult than they needed to be.
My house became a place with too much conflict but I still have moments of guilt and regret. The media portrays images of adult children who care for elderly parents with total devotion while the parent is adoringly cooperative and this illusion sometimes makes me feel that I should have done more. Then again, it could be that I just wish things could be different between us. For some families the situation may be exactly as the media images are portrayed but this was not my experience. In conversations with several friends who are also caring for elderly parents I am told that this is not their experience either. The parents are resentful because their independence has been taken away while the caregivers are tired and overwhelmed. When I brought mom into my home one friend told me "Cheryl, this is going to age you." She was right. I feel so much older than my years right now.
In the beginning, mom insisted that I allow her to go home and give her back her car several times a day. Eventually, mom agreed to stay and let a nurse to help out but a nurse is not cost effective and she needed far more care than I can give her. When mom tried to boil water then forgot to turn off the stove she almost burned my house down. This happened several times but I also worried that if something happened while I was at work it would be hours before she would receive help. There were days when my mother is the woman I have always known but there were the other days when she would walk aimlessly through the house because she couldn't find the bathroom. The need to relocate her was not optional.
When mom's health was an issue I did do whatever it took, but as her health improved I was not as willing to cater to her demanding spirit. In an attempt to help her understand that she needs to be more independent, I began to give her small chores such as putting away silverware from the dishwasher. One evening she was angry because I came home from work a little later than normal. After dinner she pushed her empty plate toward me as she turned her back while waving her hand for me to remove it. I told her that she needed to clear her own place because I am not a maid. After glaring at me for several minutes she got up and carried her plate to the sink. She then surprised me as she began to help clear the table. This was a turning point for us and after that she would ask for things the she could help with on a regular basis.
It was also necessary to completely re-shuffle my time just to get things done. She was lonely so she became upset if I went anywhere without her. I work long hours and each evening she would interrogate me about my schedule. If I had errands or shopping to do she insisted on joining me. However, when I would pull into the parking lot she would announce that she was not getting out of the car. Then she would tell me to park in a better spot..... with more shade...... and tell me to make it quick because she is waiting outside. I learned that it was best to sneak out early in the morning before she got up. This was inconvenient, but it helped save my sanity. She would become upset if I cleaned house because she felt I should be "keeping her company." I would reply by giving her a chore, such as folding towels. To be honest, it was like having a child in my home and but I couldn't send her to her room or take away privileges. Some of this is normal for someone who has Alzheimer's but understanding it does not make it any easier to deal with.
I was dreading the day that we would transition her to a new home. A few weeks before the move a friend of ours, who was living with his daughter, fell while the daughter was at work. He lay in the same place for over eight hours until his daughter came home and found him. It was this situation that helped convince my mom to make the transition with more cooperation than I ever expected to receive. I visit her twice a week and each time she is happy and adapting better than I ever thought possible.
One evening mom was watching the interaction with my family and said, "I have regrets that I didn't spend more time with my family." That simple statement helped me let go of the negative feelings toward her but it also brought on a sense of regret for all of the wasted years. When mom was staying with me I had two mothers. One mother was demanding but the other was childlike and kind. I think that this entire experience helped me to see my mother differently.
I realized that this transition, as challenging as it has been, has been a blessing. Over the years my mother and I never just talked. We were not friends and I really don't know her very well. However, during her time with me I listened to her talk about her life and, as she shared her memories, I was able to know more about her. There are positive things that emerged from this. I was forced to face my demons and, in the process, I was able to let go of most of the angst I had held inside for many years. This also provided me with an opportunity that many people never have. I was able to become acquainted with a mother who I have never really known.
My house became a place with too much conflict but I still have moments of guilt and regret. The media portrays images of adult children who care for elderly parents with total devotion while the parent is adoringly cooperative and this illusion sometimes makes me feel that I should have done more. Then again, it could be that I just wish things could be different between us. For some families the situation may be exactly as the media images are portrayed but this was not my experience. In conversations with several friends who are also caring for elderly parents I am told that this is not their experience either. The parents are resentful because their independence has been taken away while the caregivers are tired and overwhelmed. When I brought mom into my home one friend told me "Cheryl, this is going to age you." She was right. I feel so much older than my years right now.
In the beginning, mom insisted that I allow her to go home and give her back her car several times a day. Eventually, mom agreed to stay and let a nurse to help out but a nurse is not cost effective and she needed far more care than I can give her. When mom tried to boil water then forgot to turn off the stove she almost burned my house down. This happened several times but I also worried that if something happened while I was at work it would be hours before she would receive help. There were days when my mother is the woman I have always known but there were the other days when she would walk aimlessly through the house because she couldn't find the bathroom. The need to relocate her was not optional.
When mom's health was an issue I did do whatever it took, but as her health improved I was not as willing to cater to her demanding spirit. In an attempt to help her understand that she needs to be more independent, I began to give her small chores such as putting away silverware from the dishwasher. One evening she was angry because I came home from work a little later than normal. After dinner she pushed her empty plate toward me as she turned her back while waving her hand for me to remove it. I told her that she needed to clear her own place because I am not a maid. After glaring at me for several minutes she got up and carried her plate to the sink. She then surprised me as she began to help clear the table. This was a turning point for us and after that she would ask for things the she could help with on a regular basis.
It was also necessary to completely re-shuffle my time just to get things done. She was lonely so she became upset if I went anywhere without her. I work long hours and each evening she would interrogate me about my schedule. If I had errands or shopping to do she insisted on joining me. However, when I would pull into the parking lot she would announce that she was not getting out of the car. Then she would tell me to park in a better spot..... with more shade...... and tell me to make it quick because she is waiting outside. I learned that it was best to sneak out early in the morning before she got up. This was inconvenient, but it helped save my sanity. She would become upset if I cleaned house because she felt I should be "keeping her company." I would reply by giving her a chore, such as folding towels. To be honest, it was like having a child in my home and but I couldn't send her to her room or take away privileges. Some of this is normal for someone who has Alzheimer's but understanding it does not make it any easier to deal with.
I was dreading the day that we would transition her to a new home. A few weeks before the move a friend of ours, who was living with his daughter, fell while the daughter was at work. He lay in the same place for over eight hours until his daughter came home and found him. It was this situation that helped convince my mom to make the transition with more cooperation than I ever expected to receive. I visit her twice a week and each time she is happy and adapting better than I ever thought possible.
One evening mom was watching the interaction with my family and said, "I have regrets that I didn't spend more time with my family." That simple statement helped me let go of the negative feelings toward her but it also brought on a sense of regret for all of the wasted years. When mom was staying with me I had two mothers. One mother was demanding but the other was childlike and kind. I think that this entire experience helped me to see my mother differently.
I realized that this transition, as challenging as it has been, has been a blessing. Over the years my mother and I never just talked. We were not friends and I really don't know her very well. However, during her time with me I listened to her talk about her life and, as she shared her memories, I was able to know more about her. There are positive things that emerged from this. I was forced to face my demons and, in the process, I was able to let go of most of the angst I had held inside for many years. This also provided me with an opportunity that many people never have. I was able to become acquainted with a mother who I have never really known.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
I Am A Holiday Slacker
I am a holiday slacker. Although I am impressed with the amount of time and creativity that some people invest in making their Christmas picture perfect, these holiday over achievers make some of us feel totally inadequate. I can't help but wonder how some people find the time for the nightly ritual of cookie baking and creating home made ornaments as they wrap presents with wrapping paper that has been hand stenciled and it is all done inside a home adorned with so many Christmas lights it can be seen from outer space.
Yet, at my house, I struggle to find time to put up a Christmas tree and I often feel totally inadequate as I watch my neighbors spend hours hanging outdoor light displays. Although I do try to make time to do that little extra for the home, there are times when I feel like creating that "Better Homes and Gardens" look is a never ending battle.. I thought that it would be easier once the children left home but, even as an empty nester, my house has rarely been empty. Children move back in for a few months as they transition , family comes and goes, and friends who are transitioning are always welcomed here so I am rarely alone. What this translates into is that the "Better Homes and Gardens" look is always a work in progress and it is never quite complete.
As Christmas approaches I am busy with the normal Christmas hustle plus this year I am struggling with elderly parent issues. Combine this with a stream of visits from out of town guests, (not to mention my regular obligations) and I am lucky to find time to sleep.... let alone decorate. The dining chairs I began to recover a few months ago are still work in progress but I did complete one chair. Only seven more to go. I purchased a new bar-b-que and it took two weeks before I found time to put it together. However, thanks to a good friend, we were able to combine a football party with a bar-b-que party and through a combined effort we were able to put it together then used it to make dinner.
The bottom line is that I have more to do than I have time to accomplish the tasks. Cookies need to be baked, my Christmas decorations are not up, I still have shopping to complete, I need to find time to have my carpets cleaned, tend to my mother's appointments, get clothes for upcoming events, and I need to manage this while working long hours. It is only a couple of weeks until Christmas, yet I can't seem to find time to prepare and my holiday spirit had not made an appearance. I kept praying for guidance while fully expecting God to divinely help me discover a schedule where I could accomplish everything in a timely fashion but, once again, God has his own agenda.
One of the things I do all year is volunteer to help others. I feel that it is important to help give back so I make this a priority.This week I was part of a group from my office who served breakfast to the homeless. As we walked through the dining room and talked to people there I heard stories that broke my heart. One woman was in her 70's and alone. She asked for an extra bread so I found a way to give her some and the gratitude that she exuded from such a simple gesture brought tears to my eyes. Suddenly, my decorations didn't seem all that important and my worries about finding time to bake cookies disappeared.
My friends and I were part of a group who sing Christmas Carols in the children's ward of a hospital. This week, as we walked through the halls a tearful young mother asked us to sing to her child who is in a coma because her baby loves music. We couldn't go into the room so the nurses took us to an atrium that is open to the floors above. This atrium had wonderful acoustics, a lovely Christmas tree, and a grand piano off to the side. One of the young men with us began to play the piano as we sang. We could see the young mother waving to us from above as several young people in wheelchairs were brought out to listen. I could see one young lady close her eyes and silently sing along.
My friend hosted a Christmas get together and her home was beautiful, the decorations were perfect, and the food was amazing. As we sat at the table talking, she told us a stories of previous Christmas holidays shared with her late husband. It was at this moment that I began to hear the answer to my prayer and realized how misguided my expectations have been.
While my focus was on the decorations, the baking, and the superficial part of the holiday season I lost sight of what is truly important. In that moment, God showed me that my friend would gladly put up with a little more clutter and a little less time for holiday decorations if she could spend one more Christmas with her husband. The young mother at the hospital would be happy with a home that is not picture perfect if only she could have her baby healthy and home for Christmas. I felt a sense of shame as I realized that all I need to worry about is decorating my home yet I should be grateful to have shelter while so many have so little that even an extra piece of bread from a stranger brings great joy.
The desire to compete with the holiday over achievers has disappeared and when I adjusted my expectations for the season I began to feel a sense of freedom followed by surge of Christmas spirit. I will put up decorations but I am no longer worried if I have enough lights on my house to compete with my neighbor. My focus is now exactly where it should have been all along.... making memories with the special people in my life.
Yet, at my house, I struggle to find time to put up a Christmas tree and I often feel totally inadequate as I watch my neighbors spend hours hanging outdoor light displays. Although I do try to make time to do that little extra for the home, there are times when I feel like creating that "Better Homes and Gardens" look is a never ending battle.. I thought that it would be easier once the children left home but, even as an empty nester, my house has rarely been empty. Children move back in for a few months as they transition , family comes and goes, and friends who are transitioning are always welcomed here so I am rarely alone. What this translates into is that the "Better Homes and Gardens" look is always a work in progress and it is never quite complete.
As Christmas approaches I am busy with the normal Christmas hustle plus this year I am struggling with elderly parent issues. Combine this with a stream of visits from out of town guests, (not to mention my regular obligations) and I am lucky to find time to sleep.... let alone decorate. The dining chairs I began to recover a few months ago are still work in progress but I did complete one chair. Only seven more to go. I purchased a new bar-b-que and it took two weeks before I found time to put it together. However, thanks to a good friend, we were able to combine a football party with a bar-b-que party and through a combined effort we were able to put it together then used it to make dinner.
The bottom line is that I have more to do than I have time to accomplish the tasks. Cookies need to be baked, my Christmas decorations are not up, I still have shopping to complete, I need to find time to have my carpets cleaned, tend to my mother's appointments, get clothes for upcoming events, and I need to manage this while working long hours. It is only a couple of weeks until Christmas, yet I can't seem to find time to prepare and my holiday spirit had not made an appearance. I kept praying for guidance while fully expecting God to divinely help me discover a schedule where I could accomplish everything in a timely fashion but, once again, God has his own agenda.
One of the things I do all year is volunteer to help others. I feel that it is important to help give back so I make this a priority.This week I was part of a group from my office who served breakfast to the homeless. As we walked through the dining room and talked to people there I heard stories that broke my heart. One woman was in her 70's and alone. She asked for an extra bread so I found a way to give her some and the gratitude that she exuded from such a simple gesture brought tears to my eyes. Suddenly, my decorations didn't seem all that important and my worries about finding time to bake cookies disappeared.
My friends and I were part of a group who sing Christmas Carols in the children's ward of a hospital. This week, as we walked through the halls a tearful young mother asked us to sing to her child who is in a coma because her baby loves music. We couldn't go into the room so the nurses took us to an atrium that is open to the floors above. This atrium had wonderful acoustics, a lovely Christmas tree, and a grand piano off to the side. One of the young men with us began to play the piano as we sang. We could see the young mother waving to us from above as several young people in wheelchairs were brought out to listen. I could see one young lady close her eyes and silently sing along.
My friend hosted a Christmas get together and her home was beautiful, the decorations were perfect, and the food was amazing. As we sat at the table talking, she told us a stories of previous Christmas holidays shared with her late husband. It was at this moment that I began to hear the answer to my prayer and realized how misguided my expectations have been.
While my focus was on the decorations, the baking, and the superficial part of the holiday season I lost sight of what is truly important. In that moment, God showed me that my friend would gladly put up with a little more clutter and a little less time for holiday decorations if she could spend one more Christmas with her husband. The young mother at the hospital would be happy with a home that is not picture perfect if only she could have her baby healthy and home for Christmas. I felt a sense of shame as I realized that all I need to worry about is decorating my home yet I should be grateful to have shelter while so many have so little that even an extra piece of bread from a stranger brings great joy.
The desire to compete with the holiday over achievers has disappeared and when I adjusted my expectations for the season I began to feel a sense of freedom followed by surge of Christmas spirit. I will put up decorations but I am no longer worried if I have enough lights on my house to compete with my neighbor. My focus is now exactly where it should have been all along.... making memories with the special people in my life.
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