Assumptions

Someone once told me that the word assume means to make an "ass" out of "u" and "me."  The definition isn't gramatically precise, and it is definitely not eloquent, but it is accurate.  I can recall many times in my life when an assumption was wrong and had a negative impact.  Communication is the solution. It is a necessity  for understanding others and resolving conflict.

"One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing."

Socrates

Assumptions are dangerous things.  I think of assumptions as opinions that are based on a guess instead of facts and that makes them worth the paper they are written on.  At work we recently went to a seminar that identified personality styles.  I am a Red personality which is identified as adventurous, headstrong, outgoing, and enjoys challenge. One person I work with told me after that he always thought of me as introverted, quiet, and  analytical. This is definitely not who I am.  Although, after thinking about it I can understand his misconception because I keep my work and my life separate.  I tend to go to my office and focus on the job at hand.  I am friendly, professional,  and mingle with my coworkers but work is work and it is distinctly separate from my personal life.  This is the only side of me he sees.

I recently read a quote from the book "On Becoming A Person" by  psychologist Carl Rogers. 

He wrote, " I found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand the other person.  The way in which I have worded this statement may seem strange to you.  Is it necessary to permit oneself to understand another?"  ........."When someone expresses some feeling, attitude, or belief, our tendancy is almost immediately to feel 'that's right' or 'that's stupid,' 'that 's abnormal,' that's unreasonable,'   'that's incorrect,'   'that's not nice.'  Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand  precisely what the meaning of the statement means to that other person."

God has a way of speaking to my heart in the way I need it most.  This is why I believe that I found the above quote at a crucial time.  There are many missed opportunites in life because someone acted on an assumption rather than asking for facts.  Romance movies are often based on wrong assumtions.   She assumes something about him, he assumes something about her, they are both wrong so the two people go on this journey to discover that they feel the same way.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just be open and not left  to guess what the other person wanted us to say or do?  Of course, if it were that easy the romance stories wouldn't be as interesting.  This is one reason why I value my friends so very much.  We respect each other enough not to guess.  We ask and we communicate to gain a clearer understanding of what our actions and words were intended to say.

"Fear Is The Darkroom Where Negatives Are Developed" 

Barbara Johnson

The interesting thing about assumptions is that we are usually wrong.  People often assume the worst which can create unnecessary worry and misunderstanding.   I think people sometimes make assumptions because it is easier than  pulling ourselves out of the comfort zone by taking a risk and communicating the truth.  Although it is easier to fool ourselves by remaining in a cocoon of vague facts and subjective theories, eventually the truth creeps in. 

"If I have the stuff to make cocoons, maybe the stuff to make butterflies is in their too."

Trina Paulus  



I have several friends who are suffering right now.  One has a son who is ill, two others have husbands that were recently diagnosed with a terminal illness, and another friend lost her son to the war in  Afghanistan recently.  We get together about every six weeks to catch up.  One of my friends called to cancel with a lame excuse.  Instead of assuming the worst we called her back and she said that she was depressed.  Two years ago her husband had passed away after 20 years of marriage.  A few days before was her  anniversay and she was struggling.   I am so glad we called because she cancelled on th assumption that we wouldn't want her join us when she was in pain.   We each reminded her that we are her friend when she is sad as much as when she is happy and  we would be offended if she didn't come.  When we are hurting, that is precisely when we need our friends the most.  The six of us spent an evening at a restaurant eating a great dinner.   We reminisced with her, we laughed together, and we cried together over a bottle of wine, coffee,  three pieces of chocolate cake  served on three plates with 6  forks to be shared by 6 dear friends.   We almost missed this great experience because she assumed we wouldn't understand why she is still grieving so much after two years and  I almost allowed myself to assume she didn't want to be with us.  I reminded her that we all heal at our own pace and then someone else quoted what Francis Thompson wrote:

" Grief is a matter of relativity;

The sorrow should be estimated by it's proportion to the sorrower;

A gash is as painful to one person as an amputation is to another."



I am a strong, independent woman who lives on the corner of Here and Now.  Dreaming is for the quiet moments of reflection while the bulk of my day is spent with a focus on reality.   I don't wear my heart on my sleeve,  I bear my pain privately, I try not to make assumptions, nor do I give people reason to make erroneous assumptions about me.  Yet they sometimes do.  If I have something important to say,  I say it .  Being open can make me feel vulnerable, which is a feeling I dislike, but  I remind myself that the way someone reacts to my honesty tells me how important they are in my life.. ...friend, or acquaintance, or someone who isn't worth a second thought.  There have been a few times when someone assumes that I am over-reacting on a small point.   I remind them that the smallest thing in their check book register is the decimal point.  Although it is small, it is only insignificant until you move it one digit to the left.  We should never assume to understand what represents the "decimal point" in someone else's life.  Some of  life's experiences that seem insignificant on the surface to us can have a huge  impact  on someone else.........simple things like a date on a calendar which, to someone else, represents the wedding anniversary of a husband who is no longer here to share it.