My Life, It Is What It Is.

The one thing I fail to comprehend is why people, especially women, only see my single status instead of the person I am.  Yes, I would like to meet someone to grow old with but I enjoy my life and refuse to make a hobby out of pursuing a man. Recently, I joined a kayak club so I could enjoy a sport that I have a passion for while in the company of others who share my love of paddling and the outdoors. It is not a dating service and the members consist of both singles couples. I have one friend who asks to see my pictures from time to time and doesn’t make one comment about the outing. Her focus is on the men in the group and if I have found potential males there. The few times I have shared pictures with her she was so busy focusing on the potential males in the group she actually missed the one photo I am very proud of. It is a rare sighting of a bald eagle sitting in a tree looking off into the distance as though he were posing.


In my youth one of the “workers” at meeting (church) shared a story about a young elk who spent his time dreaming of the day when he would mature and grow his antlers. Later, as an adult, he spent many hours admiring his antlers in the reflection of a lake while criticizing his long legs and muscular body. He was so busy admiring the antlers he failed to notice a lion stalking him. The lion took chase but the elk’s long legs and muscular body put distance between himself and the danger. When the elk ran into a grove of trees, his antlers become entangled in the branches and he was killed. The moral is that the elk was killed by the very part of himself that he admired to the exclusion of all else but his life could have been saved by the part of himself that he took for granted.

"What is our greatest strength in one situation can be our greatest weakness in another." Joel Osteen

I had a 16 year marriage that was difficult, left scars, and had a painful ending so I am not anxious to repeat the experience. I am single by choice. Since my divorce 10 years ago I have had marriage proposals and I  accepted one of them, only to withdraw the acceptance later.  I still have the sapphire and diamond ring that he wouldn’t take back. My marriage was painful but I learned a valuable lesson from the experience.  As a result, the relationships I have had since my divorce were of a better quality because of lessons learned. Today the focus is on living my life to the fullest and letting God guide me into places I never imagined I would go. I refuse to sit on the sidelines.  It is too easy to dwell on what we don't have in our life and, in doing so, not see the blessings.

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".
Erma Bombeck

Yes, I would marry again if I met the right person. The “right person” for me doesn’t have to be handsome or rich. He will definitely not be perfect because a perfect man is boring. I would want a man who carries himself well, can make me laugh, engage in intelligent conversation, good values, a good work ethic, accepts me for who I am, gives me room to grow, and who has imperfections I can live with.

"People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow."
Erma Bombeck

Being alone isn't as bad as people make it sound. I don’t answer to anyone except myself and I am never bored. When I came home last evening, my granddaughter’s eyes lit up with happiness and recognition as I entered the room. My dogs greet me with joy. I have a circle of close friends who mean the world to me and I see them often. My children and I have a close relationship. I enjoy my job, I do volunteer work, pursue my passions, enjoy my home, my hobbies, my life.  I think that staying home with a good book and a glass of wine is so much better than a bad date.


If the loneliness hits, as it does sometimes, I allow myself that moment of wishful thinking. Then I remind myself that being alone is easy compared to being vulnerable to another person.  Marriage and commitment is not for wimps. It takes respect, courage and commitment , sacrifice, and compromise to make a relationship last.  My friend told me that a marriage partnership starts out like champagne with excitement and bubbles.  As it ages, it matures into a fine wine. Still something special but with a different flavor.


"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "
Erma Bombeck

Becoming completely vulnerable to another person who has the ability to have an impact on every area of our lives takes more courage than being alone. It would take a courageous man to make a life commitment with me. I am strong, territorial, independent, and need room to grow. A weak man won’t long with me and the good candidates are unavailable. However, life is a journey and we never know who we will meet along the way. Today I am both single and content.

"I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair."
Erma Bombeck

Life Is For The Living

I Do Not Die

By: Mary Elizabeth Frye 1932 

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there. I do not die.

I found the above poem in 1976 after my friend Susan died. We were both 17 at the time.  These words have brought comfort to myself and  tofriends many times over the years.  This poem found it's way to me time and again when I have lost someone I love.  When Susan died, when my boyfriend died a few years later, when my mother in law died, and when my father passed the poem appears in print or the clipping falls out of a book just at the right time.   A gentle reminder that the grave is for the living because the spirit does not die.


I am not a person who has patience for drama queens. Tragedy is a part of life and we all experience pain.  I try to find  a positive in any negative.  People are born, people die, and somewhere in the middle people live but there is a difference between being alive and truly  living.  A friend of mine lost her son in Afghanistan recently and another lost her husband to cancer. Each one of these women describe the grieving as a series of feelings that begins with hopelessness and loss, then anger, then guilt, and then they begin to live again.  Each one of them have walked through the fire and then continued to take steps to  live a way that honors the person they lost.  I admire them both.

My favorite auther is Barbara Johnson. She is an author who lost one son in Vietnam and  then the other son was hit by a drunk driver and was killed.  The third son adopted a lifestyle that left him estranged for many years. Barbara grieved, become depressed, guilt ridden, and angry until she decided that she couldn't change fate, she could only respond to it.  She began to surround herself with positive thoughts, wrote books, started a support group, and conducted motivational seminars.   Her sons must be so proud as they sit in heaven and watching how their mother took a negative and turned it into something beautiful.  Barbara was diagnosed with cancer in 2001 and died in July 2007.  She lived right up until the end with  her final book on the editors desk.  What an incredible woman.

Losing someone I love makes me feel as though I am dying too.  I am not a person who allows society to define me and one of the artists I really like is Pink because she is true to her own voice.    Her album "I'm Not Dead" was titled as such because she is feisty and refuses to sit down and be quiet.   Her lyrics can be abrupt , they can be raw, but they are always honest. One of my favorites:

I'm not dead just floating

Right between the ink of your tattoo

I've tried to hide my scars from you.

I'm not scared just changing.

There isn't anyone who can lose someone through death or estrangement, and then emerge unchanged.  Loss changes us.  We will never be the same,  but it is up to us if the change gives our life purpose or if we let the pain hold us back.  I don't want to live in pain and I don't want to forget.  Around my neck I wear a thin gold chain.  The chain is connected to a memory.  Although the chain is not always foremost in my thoughts, I am always aware it is there.  This is where I keep the people who I have lost. They are such a part of me, that I don't need to consciously keep them in my thoughts.  They are so much a part of me that I don't need the pain to remind me of them.  Sometimes their memory will speak to me when I least expect it and,  for a moment, once again they are close to me.  Yes, life is for the living  but death taught me not to take others for granted.  Death also taught me that I should not merely want to live,  I need to live my life with purpose.  Life isn't about the event, it is  about how we respond to it. 

 

Life Is A Memory Quilt

Time is like money.

Yesterday is a cancelled check. The money is gone and cannot be recovered.

Tomorrow is a promissory note with no guarantees.

 Today is a present from God. Spend the time wisely.

I was told once that life is like a river, a journey to enjoy as we travel to our final destination.  However, I will never be content to sit idly by and float through life because life is a patchwork quilt comprised of memories and experiences.

The similarities are what will bring us together, our differences are what will make us stand out, our flaws are what make us unique. 

Over the last few days I had the opportunity of spending time with family and friends that I have not seen for years. One of my cousins shared his memories of my father and the impact my dad on his life. He said my father was always there for the family. Through years of observing how my father treated his family, he formulated his own ideals on how to be a good father and husband.  My father was his example. What a special thing it was to hear him share this memory with me.

Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday. She was stubborn in the womb just as she is stubborn now. The day she was born was difficult and after two days of labor  she was delivered by Cesarean Section.  My husband was there, then went to work, and came back.  My mother in law never left my side.  She held my hand, tried to feed me soup, grapes, and bought me a paperback book from the bookstore.  Since she couldn't speak english, the book was about war strategy. She didn't know what it was about but it was in english and the man at the counter told her it was a best seller.  I didn't read the book but I appreciated her gestures of love more than she ever knew.   My daughter is too young to remember how much she was loved by her grandmother.  The day we returned to the states, I turned around to look back as the taxi pulled away from the curb.  I saw her standing there with tears in her eyes and found it hard to stay in control as I felt the tears filling my eyes too.  This memory is a special patch for my life quilt.  It was the last time I saw her before she died. 

My son, on the other hand, waits for no one.  He entered the world in 20 minutes.  I remember the doctor rushing in with his gown untied behind him and hopping on one foot while he put the booties over his shoes.  This time I was alone in the delivery room because my exhusband doesn't handle these situations well.  My father  had suffered a series of strokes and hadn't fully recovered. But my dad was stubborn and had always been there for me,. He asked someone else to drive him 150 miles to be with me and see his grandson.   It was my last memory of my dad.  He died soon after that visit.   This is a favorite patch in my life quilt and  I carry this memory with me everyday.

When my daughter was turning three, I heard my dad's old pickup truck pull up outside. We went out to see a large box in the back of his truck. He bought her a swingset that took an entire weekend to put together and completely invaded our small back yard.  However, it was worth it. I still treasure the pictures of my father sitting with my daughter on those swings.  The memories of my father are always with me.  If you were able to see my life quilt, you would see him everywhere.   

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly”

Quote by Sam Keene.

Adding the memories of my mother to my life quilt has been more of a challenge. My mother was rarely there for me.  She isn't a bad person just incredibly self absorbed. It was normal for mom to forget my birthday and try to make it up with a nice gift of my choosing after my dad reminded her that she forgot.  In second grade I was in an afternoon Christmas program.  The bus was not running and we lived on a ranch 30 miles outside of town.  Mom was scheduled to come to the program, bring cookies, and take me home.  She got involved in other things and simply didn't show up.   The teacher and janitor called and called but no one answered the phone.  It was early December and I sat outside the school in the cold for almost five hours waiting. I stayed because I knew someone would remember.  As the sun went down I saw my dad's old pickup truck racing  into the parking lot throwing gravel as it screeched to a halt in front of me.  His face was full of concern as I climbed up into the cab.  Apparently, when he came home and I wasn't there he  jumped into the truck, and raced to the school. I could feel the tension between my parents for days after.   

I add these memories to my quilt, not because I want to remember my mother in a bad way, but because I want it to be a lesson of the type of memories I refuse to create in my own life. Included in my life quilt are the memories of mom teaching me never to settle for what life hands you. She would say that "the person reaching for a star will always go farther than the person reaching for a tree top."  Mom taught me the bible, a love of music, and art.  She drilled into me that doing right isn't always easy.  I would hear her say repeatedly "Following the right path is like hiking a mountain.  It is easy to go downhill but the top is where the true rewards are."  My  focus is on the positive memories, but I don't want to forget the others.  I am a compilation of all of my life memories, not just the good ones.

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”

Source unknown

My daughter has a good heart and I am proud of her. However, she tramps into a situation like a bull walking in a flower garden.  The one thing I would like her to know is that it is easier not to create damage than to clean up a mess we leave behind with thoughtless words and actions.  I tried to teach my children  that life is not perfect, people are not perfect, and they will never meet your expectations.  Sometimes, it is important to just love the person and approach the situation separately. 

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”

Barbara Johnson

No two people view life exactly the same way.  We can't legislate morality or force our views on another person.  Becoming so regimented with our rules that there is no margin for error is not the answer. Our founding fathers were rebels who didn't follow the rules and look at the result!   If I could give my children one gift, it would be to help them realize that the memory you create with someone today may be the last memory you ever have the opportunity of sharing.  They should do everything they can to make it a memory to be treasured as a patch for their own life quilt . A memory that is a pleasure to revisit and be enjoyed again and again. 

 Today is a present.  A gift of time.  Spend it wisely.

 

The war within

A Cherokee Elder was talking to his Grandson and told him the

story of two wolves that are at war inside of everyone.

The first Wolf is  kind, compassionate, cares about others, and is not judgmental. 

The second Wolf in selfish, greedy, resentful, angry, and negative.

The Grandson asks: Which Wolf wins?

The Cherokee Elder answers:  The one we feed.

*****************************

Today is Friday. Yesterday I found myself sitting in my office staring into space as I tried to determine how to schedule the next few days.  My dog Princess had an appointment with the vet to have a tumor removed and biopsied. Although my kids offered to take her and pick her up, my dogs are like children to me. I couldn't bear not to be there for her.  Monday and Tuesday were already scheduled for time off and I worried that if I took  an extra day I might fall too far behind in my work.  However, I am caught up and can work late next week if necessary so I put in the request.  After approving the time, my boss stopped by my office for a friendly chat.  He said  he was curious about my plans because it seems to him that I am always doing something,  His next comment surprised me because he said that he is amazed because I am not afraid to live life.

His words "not afraid" made me smile because the truth is that I am afraid. I am afraid of trying something new, I am afraid of the regret I will feel if I miss the opportunity to have a new experience, I am afraid of giving too much of myself, and I am afraid of not giving enough.  Each time I try something new, I automatically experience that sense of self doubt.  If I start a serious discussion with someone important to me I worry that I will do damage to the relationship.  I worry about living my life like my mom does and ending up as a bitter and angry woman who cuts anyone, including family and friends, out of her life for the slightest reason. In spite of this, I try to not let my insecurities paralyze me into inaction.  Living my life isn't about avoiding the things that make me uncomfortable, it is about working through the fear it so it doesn't hold me back.

Throughout my life I have seen God work miracles.  I truly believe that I am exactly where God wants me to be.  When my life is challenging, or I am not satisfied, I know God is trying to push me out of my comfort zone into a new direction. Like most people, I like to be in my comfort zone.  That familiar place where there are no big surprises.  However, I know I can't grow to be the person God wants me to be if I never experience new things.  When my comfort zone is no longer comfortable, I know it is time to expect a change. The first step is to conquer the fear within while I take on a new challenge. 

My favorite bible story is the one about David and Goliath.  A child and his sling shot saving  the town from a giant.  The moral of this story isn't about David's expertice with the slingshot.  It is that David realized God is bigger than the problem.  Each time I face fear, I remind myself of little David facing a Giant because he knew God was bigger than the problem in front of him.  No matter what challenge I face, God is bigger than that problem too. He is bigger than the challenge, my fear, my grief, and my insecurities. 

Of course, this sounds great on paper but I am so very human.  I spent years carrying around a package of guilt, regret, grief, resentment, and anger.  Throughout my life I have made mistakes, I have been wrongly accused, I have been alienated by family because I am not living my life according to their standards, and I have had to make the best of things with limited resources at my disposal and hope it is enough.  About ten years ago someone told me that I can't control others, I can only control my own response.  If I allow the negative feelings to occupy my mind and heart, I would be allowing someone who hurt me to live rent free in my soul and that gives them control.  When I allow negative thoughts to control my thinking, it is a tool of the enemy to distract me from seeing what God wants me to see.

I miss my father the most during the holidays.  Instead of allowing sadness to permeate my being, I focus on how grateful I am to have had such a wonderful father.  I take time to enjoy the memories and be grateful for them.  He taught me to appreciate the earth and create memories with my own children.  I often wonder how a mother can discard a child like an old newpaper and refuse to see her grandchildren.  Instead of focusing on much hurt my mother has caused me, I focus on what I can do differently so I won't hurt my family as she hurt ours.  I may be without my mother in my life but look at what she is missing.  She lost two daughters who are there for her in spite of her rejection. My mother lost the opportunity to know her grandchildren an watch them grow, and she lost the opportunity to watch her great grandchildren. 

The bible says that love is patient and kind. In reality, people are much too human for labels like these to be used as a definition of love.  I think love is really about acceptance.  No one is perfect, no situation is perfect, no one's response is perfect,  but the flaws are what make us who we are. Love is about trying to be patient, kind, and loving someone ...imperfections and all.  Love is not focusing on the what we didn't do right.  Love is accepting  an error in judgment and then keeping the focus on what we didn't do wrong.  After all, if anyone is waiting for perfection they will never find it.  When we allow anger, grief, or regret to control our thoughts it only serves to distract us from seeking out our true potential and keeps us from going where God wants us to be.