Valentines Day

As a single woman, I look forward to, but I also dread, the arrival of Valentines Day.   This is a day when my friends and I usually plan a girl's night out with good food, good conversation, and a bottle of wine.  However, this is also the day when well meaning friends began issuing lamentations of concern because I am not attached.  My single status has always stood out during the week of  February 14th,  reminding friends and family that I am flying solo.


My sister wanted me to come up North to attend an outing with her and her husband on Valentines Day.  I declined because Valentines is Friday so it conflicted with my work schedule, I didn't want to intrude on their Valentine celebration, plus I already had other plans for the weekend so going up North would not leave time for chores.  I assured her I am fine on my own but will come up later in the month.  This year, as usual, a couple of married male friends began to quiz me on why I am single and asked why I am not investing most of my time looking for a mate.  At first, I was offended but then I realized that both of these men are very happy in their marriages and only want the same for me.  So, I said something I knew would make them stop.  I shrugged and then told them that I am too ugly.  They were speechless at first and then we had a good laugh.  The subject never came up again.

In my opinion, Valentines Day  is a Hallmark holiday to help merchants boost their sales.  Yes, I realize that this sounds a bit cynical, and I suppose it is a cynical attitude, but Valentines Day was not originally marked as a day of romantic love.  History has  a few versions of how the day originated but this day was originally designated in history to honor St. Valentine for his stances on Christianity and marriage.  How this day has been re-created into a day of engagement rings and long stemmed roses requires more historical analysis than I am willing to invest in at this time.

The news media spews out a lot of nonsense that ranges from the joy of being single to ideas on how make this Valentines Day stand out from everyone else's presentation of Valentines Day.  In my opinion, Valentines Day should not be a contest and, although being single is not ideal, being married to the wrong person isn't ideal either.  Attached or single, their are pros and cons each way.  Even when I am in a relationship, I have always preferred to keep Valentines Day low key.  Two dozen long stemmed red roses are not any more significant that one  long stemmed red rose (except the price) and a marriage proposal should be a personal moment between two people, not a contest to see who does it best for the world to see.

Over the years I have received the traditional flowers, balloons, teddy bears, and jewelry but my favorite Valentines Day ever was when a boyfriend tried to make me some heart shaped cookies that he had decorated with sweet sayings on them.  He had never made a cookie in his life so they were far from perfect. However,  I appreciated the effort so much that I still have a picture of those cookies even though we have not been together for years. 

It seems that Valentines Day has become a day to elevate single awareness while sending a message to  those in relationships that a lot of money is necessary to show how much love they have for their partner and  whatever they do on that day,  needs to be done in a way that outshines all other Valentines Day celebrations.  What some people forget in all of this flash and dash is that love isn't about the roses and diamonds. Love is trying to make cookies to send a loving message, going out at 3a.m. to get medicine or personal items for our significant other when we would rather be sleeping, or making time in our own busy schedule to complete a chore that will help our partner on their busiest day.  These things are what true love, romantic and otherwise, is all about. While the roses and diamonds are nice, they are not essential. Love, in all forms, is about the intangible things while the Valentines Day flash is just glitter to make a relationship look extra pretty one day a year.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentines Day weekend.


 

Reaching For The Stars

"...many of us operate as if Simon Cowell is doing a play-by-play of our work, wardrobe and snack choices. One team of researchers has dubbed this phenomenon the “spotlight effect.” In the beam of imaginary spotlights, many of us suffer untold shame and create smaller, weaker, less zestful lives than we deserve. Terrified that the neighbors might gossip, the critics might sneer, the love letter might fall into the hands of evil bloggers, we never even allow our minds to explore what our hearts may be calling us to do. These efforts to avoid embarrassment often keep us from imagining, let alone fulfilling, the measure of our destiny. To claim it, we need to develop a mental dimmer switch."

Martha Beck

My personal philosophy has always been that it is easier to teach a skill than it is to teach an attitude.  The attitude defines how each of us will approach life in general, how a person responds to adverse conditions, and how receptive one will be at learning a new skill.   I believe that  attitude is actually a greater barometer for success  than skill ever could be. Yet there have been times when I have allowed myself to be defined by my own lack of skill.  I held back because I was not perfect and, in doing so, I conformed to the expectations of others rather than pursuing my dreams .... which later left me frustrated with myself because I didn't have the courage to try. It was my attitude that held me back and, because attitude is what drives confidence, the two need to be working in unison to guide me out of the murky waters of "I am afraid to try" into a world of "Maybe I should try."  

Perhaps this fear of failure emerged because I didn't want others to see me as less than perfect, yet as I walk through any the store I do not see perfect.  If I look at the stories in the news I see both failure and success.  Not only is perfection an illusion, it is actually the differences that make us interesting.

In group settings the fear of being perceived as less than perfect almost always surfaces.  I saw it at my first school dance, boys stand on one side and girls stand on the other.  No one is dancing.  Yet everyone came to the dance with high hopes and it was the fear of being under the spotlight, facing the opinions of others, that held us back from a very enjoyable first dance experience.   I see it in meetings when I ask for feedback from my team only to be met with several minutes of silence until someone has the courage to speak.  Offering an opinion in a public setting means exposing ourselves to a moment of vulnerability so there I am not surprised by the hesitation.  Yet, each member of any group, whether it be the recreational sports league or a family unit, brings their own unique set of strengths to the table.  The goal should be to pull together, each person bringing their views into the forum, so they can hammer out theories to emerge with a better result while creating a valuable learning experience on the journey. Too often I see the one person who constantly questions if what they offer has value.... so they contribute nothing.... or someone who has carries the attitude that they are too good to learn .....so they refuse to listen.  Both attitudes can be the reason people sit on the sidelines as silent observers. I feel that both approaches actually reflect an attitude of fear because  while one person is afraid of allowing others to see what they actually don't know,  the other is afraid of showing how much they have to learn.  Each of these mindsets are a handicap that can prevent people from becoming the best version of them selves.  By sharing our strengths and weaknesses we can discuss and punch holes in the theories. As a result, a stronger resolution emerges so in the end, we all benefit from the experience.

The older I get, the better I am at ignoring that small voice whispering in my consciousness trying to warn me that I may fail or people may look at me funny. When someone tells me I can't because of my age, gender, or because it isn't what other people do I focus on the fact that I have never regretted stepping out of my comfort zone to try something new but I have almost always regretted not  making an attempt.

"Well behaved women never make history."

Eleanor Roosevelt.

When we review our history books, those who made an impact on history are the rebels, the ones who refused to conform, the people who  took the risks to move beyond the status quo.   My mother used to tell us that a person who reaches for the stars may not become one with the universe but that person will still go farther than a person who only reaches for the top of the nearest tree.  The only problem in reaching for the stars is that there will always be someone to tell us that we are reaching too high or that it can't be done so don't waste time trying.  Long ago I decided that I can't be unique and be like everyone else at the same time so  I made a pact with myself to follow my heart instead of the opinions of others.  Although the treetop is closer to my comfort zone, I always reach for the stars because that is where the magic happens.