Finding Delight in Ordinary Moments

In the year 2000 I saw a movie with Meg Ryan, Diane Keaton, and Lisa Kutrow called Hanging Up.  The movie was promoted as a comedy, but I found it to be dark and depressing.  As I watched a story unfold about three sisters who had grown distant, but suddenly find themselves forced to cooperate, as they take on responsibility for their ailing father who is in need of a lifestyle change. However, his resistance to the change, and the sisters attempts to share care giving time, creates another layer of conflict. At the time, I  simply could not relate.  Today I can.

Taking responsibility for an aging parent is tiring and I feel older than I ever have.  It is like having an adult child in my home some of the time and the other times I have an obstinate old woman who is angry with me because her independence has been taken away. Irregardless of what personality emerges from my mother  life is  challenging.

I have two sisters. One is unable to take care of her and the other openly states that she doesn't want the inconvenience.  Over the years, mom has effectively alienated everyone else so I am the only one who will take her.  It isn't as though I don't have a choice. I do have a choice.  My choice is to do what I feel is the right thing to do and families should take care of each other.  This is what differentiates a family member from a relative.

Taking on this responsibility has forced me to sacrifice a large part of my social life and activities that I love.  The light at the end of the tunnel is that I realize that it isn't going to be forever.  This too shall pass.  So, to keep my sanity, each day I try to find moments that delight me.  A quiet bus ride to work with a great read, lunch and conversation with a good friend, yoga and meditation, time with my granddaughter, walking my dogs, or making time to sit outside and watch the stars are a few of my delightful moments. 

When life is difficult,  friendships are tested.  It took less than a week to discover the loyalty of a few friends and reaffirm the loyalty of a few others.  I can only say that I am  blessed with wonderful friends, and this delights me.

The relationship with my mother is a different situation. Since our relationship has always been  strained, how she responds to me depends on which side of my mother emerges at that particular moment.   When she is fully cognizant I get a person who is stubborn,  obstinate, and not very nice.  The other mother is a sweet woman.  If there is a bright side to this situation I would say that it gives me the chance to see the sweeter side of her. 

However, my mother's stubborn streak amuses me.  She has memory lapses but refuses to acknowledge that she forgets and she  is in denial about her significant hearing loss. It took me two months before I was finally able to convince her that she needs a hearing aid.  She kept insisting  that hearing aids are for old people. I finallyconvinced her that 86 is old enough to qualify. What closed the deal was telling her that she is giving people an opportunity to talk about her without her knowing.    I  can hardly wait until she has that little device in her ear. My throat hurts from yelling  into her ear so she can hear me.  She keeps the television  at full volume when she is watching it and then she  doesn't understand why no one will watch TV with her. Mom can clear a room just by grabbing the television remote.

 Even at full volume, she struggles to hear the television but she will not admit it.  A few days ago I came home and asked her what she was watching. "Oh, it is really good mystery." She says.  I told her "OK, what is it about?"   She replies,"I lost track when you came in"  I turned away so she couldn't see me laughing .  The program was a news program and it was in Spanish. Today I came home and asked what she was watching.  She tells me it is a police program.  I smiled as I walked away because she was watching Friday the 13th.  However, I can vacuum when my mother is sleeping and she doesn't hear a thing.  This does have it's advantages.

Going to the store is an afternoon event.  I won't take the risk of putting her in a motorized cart so it takse 20 minutes to walk from the car to the front of the store.  She needs a walker but I realize that progress comes one battle at a time. 

I know that she needs more care than I can give her but she refuses to admit that she needs a lifestyle change. As I research care giving situations, I am looking for a situation that will help her preserve as much of her independence and dignity as possible, for as long as possible.  There is hope because even if she doesn't like me, I learned that she respects me enough to trust me.  On the other hand, she  also sees me as the obstacle between her ability to drive or live in her home alone. She loves my dogs and  my cooking,  but not my clothes or my coffee.   I learned this because she told me, when she forgot who I was, and thought that she was talking to one of my sisters. That was another one of those delightful moments.    

So I am making sacrifices, as much for myself as for her, but I only hope that somewhere inside she will find some good memories of this time with me.  Our relationship is still difficult, but maybe in time we can move beyond the tension that we have always had in the past to at least accept each other.  If nothing changes then at least I can  look myself in the mirror with no regrets and say that I genuinely tried. One of the good things that has emerged from this is that I have once again learned to appreciate the small joys that I had previously taken for granted.  This realization, in and of itself, is another delightful  moment.

A Series of Moments

 Waylon Jennings lyric: "I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane."

 

Penny Marshall recently did an interview  to discuss her new book where she talks about a difficult mother, poor choices, and her philosophy about everything which is summed up as “If it isn’t fun why do it?” She said that the Waylon Jennings quote helps her to keep her perspective so she keeps it in a frame on her bathroom wall.

 

Reading that interview was my “Ah Ha” moment. Recently I have been struggling to find balance due to circumstances that I have limited control over.  Every day, for a couple of months now, I have poured myself a large glass of ‘whine’ .  Self-pity is not my style and I feel like I have betrayed my own life philosophy which says that change is inevitable but how it changes is up to me.  Within seconds of having my “Ah Ha” moment everything took on a much brighter outlook.

 

My sister took my 86 year old mother for a weekend visit so I had the weekend to myself for the first time in months.  That “Ah Ha” moment caused me to make a commitment to just enjoy the moments, one moment at a time.  Caring for someone with Alzheimer Disease or Dementia is draining but it is also just a series of moments.  No two moments are the same. Some moments are heartbreaking, others are frustrating, and then we have moments that make me laugh so hard that I can’t breathe.  I vowed to focus on the ones that make me laugh.

 

When  my sister brought her home, we took mom to Wal-Mart and my sister requested a motorized cart that she could ride in. After a few false starts, mom gripped the handlebars, hunched over with a look of determination on her face, and took off down the aisle almost knocking over a stack of Halloween decorations.  My sister and I looked at each other in surprise and then I took off at a quick pace in an attempt to try and slow her down.

 Mom can’t hear but refuses to wear a hearing aid (because hearing aids are for old people) so I can’t get her attention unless she actually sees me. The challenge here is that she couldn’t see me because I was running behind her.   As we approach the other end of the store, she turned the cart into an aisle so quickly that I was surprised she didn’t leave skid marks on the tile.  My pace has now increased to a quick trot and, as I hurry down the aisle behind her, I am offering apologies to the people who backed against the store shelves to avoid being run over.  Finally, at the end of the aisle I caught up with her, but only because she paused while trying to decide which way to turn.  I suggested that she slow down but she merely reminds me that her dad used to drive race cars for a hobby… he taught her…. she is a great driver … this thing turns on a dime and stops on the fly…and she hasn’t hit anyone yet…etc.  I reminded her that this is not a car, or a motorcycle, pedestrians are everywhere, and this isn’t the expressway so it would be best if she went slowly. Her face took on a look of pure stubbornness as she pressed her little lips together so tight that for a moment I thought the point of her chin was going to touch the tip of her nose. 

I realize that this is part of her fight to retain her independence but I felt my positive outlook slip away until my sister finally caught up to us.  She took one look at mom’s face and told her that her cart knocked over some merchandise at the end of the aisle. She reminded her that if she breaks anything she may need to pay for it. Mom may have memory issues but she consistently knows exactly how much money is in her purse.  Money is a great motivator where mom is concerned so she agreed to slow down.

  

Some people were trying to exit the aisle and, as I smile apologetically to them, the man tells me not to worry about it. The man said to my mom “You maneuver that very well ma-am.” 

I smiled at him as Mom asked me “What did he say?” 

I didn’t want to lie but I don’t want to encourage the little speed demon either so I lean in and tell her “He said the cart stops on a dime.” 

She only nods and pushes the lever to accelerate.  Within a few seconds we found ourselves chasing after her again.

 

After the Wal-Mart adventure, we went to a nearby restaurant for dessert.  As we sat down at our table I look up to see the family who mom nearly collided with in Wal-Mart.  We said hello and I apologized again. He laughed and said “It is OK.  My wife and I were betting how long it would take her to ‘pop a wheelie’ in that thing.”

 

We had an enjoyable conversation but mom was struggling to hear.   At one point mom couldn’t hear me when I asked her what type of dessert she wanted so I repeated it louder and louder until the waitress came over with a look that clearly said ‘Stop yelling at that poor old woman.’   The waitress then asked her sweetly if she would like more ice tea, then repeated it louder, and louder.  Finally my mom replied loudly ‘No, I don’t need the bathroom!”  I gave the waitress my best “I told you so” look and suggested that she just pour the tea. 

 

Our new friends, and a few others, were trying to hold back laughter so I turned and said  "Do you see that blue car over there?”  As they nod  I said “That is my car. If you go to Wal-Mart and see that car ...enter with caution.  If you go in, you take the risk that Grandma is in the store cruising the aisles.  You still have options though.  Target is right across the street.” 

Watching us laugh my mother asked me "What did you say Cheryl?"

I reply " I was wondering if Target has one of the scooter carts like Wal-Mart has.  Let's try it next time and see which one is faster."

Mom laughed and then she says  “You know, Cheryl,  I may need to get a hearing aid .  I think that my hearing is going  bad!”  

  A series of moments that turn into memories is what life is all about.