Forgiveness Is A Process

My mother has been with me for a little over two months now and I have accepted the fact that   my life will be significantly impacted for a while to come.   I work on helping mom heal her physical self and give her a nutrient rich diet, incorporate mentally stimulating activities, and some type of daily exercise. As a result I have noticed that some of the confusion has  cleared although her level of clarity still varies throughout the day. There is no doubt that my mother will never again be the independent woman that she once was.    Her response to me varies between  childlike confusion and the difficult woman I have always known. 

“It takes two people to make a lie work: the person who tells it, and the one who believes it.”
― Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts

At times she starts demanding that I take her home but she is coming to accept that returning home is not an option.  However, she  made it abundantly clear that her only reason for staying with me is because "it is cheaper."  Mom has always been narcissistic and this has not changed.  Each evening I come home to a woman who angry that I went to work while she was left at home with not enough to keep her entertained. When I leave the house for my own doctor or hair appointments I always invite her to come out with me.  She refuses to go yet when I come home she is angry that the two hours I was gone was too long. If I clean  house, sit down to pay bills, or call my daughter she is upset that I am not keeping her company. I never hear the words "Thank You" or "Please." The complaints are endless and one day I asked why she just didn't stop complaining and just be thankful that she has family to  help her... maybe even say thank you every now and again.  She said "I don't have to say that to you." Then she turned and walked indignantly out of the room.  When she makes demeaning comments she will never apologize. She tells me that I misunderstood.  Recently she told me I am single because I am homely.  When I told her that her words were unkind and undeserved   she replied, "You misunderstood.  I never said  you were ugly, I just said you are not pretty."  This is the woman I grew up with and the only difference is that my father isn't here to pull me aside and tell me how wonderful I am.

When you're different, sometimes you don't see the millions of people who accept you for what you are. All you notice is the person who doesn't.”
― Jodi Picoult, Change of Heart

I am not certain if her antagonistic approach is pronounced because of the Alzheimers, or if I had forgotten how truly difficult she can be, but she is actually a very social  person and gets on well with other people.  I am of the opinion that she would thrive in a senior community where she could join activities, go on  outings, develop her own social circle, and make time to go on an outing or for  a family dinner  once or twice a week with me.  This would allow her to feel independent and we could focus on a relationship of choice rather than have our relationship be one of obligation and dependence.    However, when I tried to convince her to take a tour of  a senior   condominium community she took one look at the front entry,  said some unkind things about old people, and then took off walking faster than I knew she had the ability to walk.  My sister, who was with me, stood in stunned disbelief as I tried to stop her.  I caught up with her, about three blocks down, and then  it took us an entire hour to convince her to get back in the car.

A change is needed. Not only because it is better for my mother but a change is in my own best interest as well.   Although my mother can care for her own basic needs, she can be a very difficult person to live with. Over the last few months my stress level is up, I barely have time to tend to my obligations, and I have no time to pursue any of the activities that brings me pleasure.  My dogs  have not had a decent walk in over a month, I have no opportunity to exercise, do volunteer work, read a book, or spend time with friends.

One person, who has known me for years, asked me why I would take on the responsibility of caring for my mother.  She said "You are doing more for her now than she would do for you."  The statement has truth in it but, if I am to be completely honest,  I am not  doing this only for her.  I am also doing this for me.

A good friend of mine, who has been through something similar, told me that I need to take time for myself and not feel guilty about it.  I also need to set boundaries with others.  He told me that if I don't respect my own life no one else will.  He is right but sometimes change is a process

A different person told me that 'this is an opportunity to create better memories so just be patient. Learn to accept, and forgive.'  Well, she is right and she is wrong. This is an opportunity to create better memories but it  takes more than just me to accomplish that.  Although I am willing to forgive, I will not accept.  Acceptance is like telling oneself that change for the better is not possible so there is no point in trying to get to a better place.  I will not accept this situation as it is now and I  intend to work toward a change that is better for all of us.  Forgiveness is being wise enough to know that we are all imperfect people, while giving us room to be human, but at the same time we are saying saying "I understand we are all human but repeating what you did is not acceptable. " So I will forgive, and later I may need to forgive again because,  like change, sometimes forgiveness is a process too.

For me, there really is a big difference between forgiveness and acceptance. If you forgive someone, you aren't necessarily saying that what the person did was right. What you're saying is, "I'm not giving you the power to make me a victim. I'm not going to let you invade my mind and make me hate you." Forgiveness is not for the other person. It's for yourself. That's the way I see it. Whereas acceptance is really more of a caving in, as far as I'm concerned. It's saying, "What you did, I'm okay with."

Jodi Piccoult



 

Laughter In The Face of Family Drama

“He who laughs……………...lasts”

Erma Bombeck, Forever, Erma

My parents had four children, of which,  I am the youngest.  The age gap between myself and my siblings spans more than a decade so I naively assumed that the older siblings would be the ones to take on primary responsibility for our aging parents. I should have known better because I was always the one who received the calls for help.   Now I find myself caring for my mother, who I have always had a difficult relationship with and who believes she is much younger than her 86 years,  while the rest of my clan plants themselves on my doorstep.  

My sisters and I were  raised by the same two parents, yet we each evolved into completely different people. This  becomes very apparent each time we communicate.  What keeps me sane through all of this is humor.  Erma Bombeck’s book titled “Family: The Ties that Bind…and Gag” has been a favorite read for years and her book reminds me that every situation has a humorous side.  At this point in my life it is easy to relate to what she wrote and I will be forever grateful for her words.  She was a wise woman and her writing helped me see the humor in my own family dynamics.  All I need to do is  observe the participants. 

Mom was diagnosed in the early stages of Alzheimer Disease and is no longer able to live on her own.  My brother passed away so there are only my two sisters and myself to take care of her. Every family member has their positive and negative traits. While I am no exception to this rule, the additional challenge is that I have been estranged from my mother... by her choice... for many years, and  my sisters can be as challenging as my mother’s situation.   I wonder if the angst amongst us is because each of us is so different from the other.  If one were to look closely they would see that there are commonalities but the differences outnumber them. 


One of my sisters is well educated and, in her youth, was very beautiful with a wonderful career.  I spent most of my life listening to my  mom comparing us to her.  However, today she struggles with addiction, is unemployed, and relies on government assistance to survive.  She  blames everyone except her own choices for where her life is today.  However, mom is still comparing us to woman she used to be.  Some things just never change. 

My other sister has a flamboyant personality and aligns heself with the ditzy blonde crowd.  She got married right out of high school,  for many years lived a conservative life as an ultra feminine housewife, went to church every Sunday, and let her husband to do her thinking for her.  I spent my youth listening to her lecture me on living a lifestyle that was “too worldly.”   Today she is no longer conservative, and rarely goes to church, but  she is still flamboyant and a ditzy blond.  Although, at the moment  she is a ditzy redhead.   She has a job but her funds are for her own enjoyment and she has never in her life had to pay a bill to survive.This sister proclaims that she is independent but starts every sentence with “My husband says….” To be honest, I have had little contact with her outside of a Christmas card for years.

I realized that humor would help me when this sister told me about going to the casino and spending $20 to play the slots.  As she entered her very last quarter she won $15.  She said “I was so excited that I came out ahead by winning the extra $15 that I took myself out to dinner.”  I asked “How did you come out ahead?”  She said excitedly, “Because I won $15!!”  I smiled and asked her “So, you went in with $20?”  She nods so I ask “You won $15?”  She nods again and says “You see, I won $15!”  Then I ask, “So, if you walk in with $20 and walk out with $5 less....…exactly how is it that you came out ahead?” 

The look of astonished realization on her face kept me laughing for days. 

  

As for myself, I have always been called the ‘fluff and granola’ sister because I enjoy hiking boots as much as much as I enjoy high heels. I love being  active and getting close to nature but I have sisters who think that they are roughing it if a hotel room has no room service.   

My mother is a stubborn 86 year old who is in old age denial.  She adamantly refuses to use her cane or a hearing aid because she insists that these items are only for old people.  As a result,  it takes us twenty minutes to help her shuffle from the car to the door of my house and the television volume is keep at a level that is so far above loud it can only be described as OMG.    

At the guardianship hearing, I appeared with my mother and my oldest sister.  I wore business attire and my mother sat next to me clinging to my hand wearing a dress I had purchased for her.  The sister with addiction issues didn't put in an appearance but the other sister appeared at the hearing with her spikey red hair, lots of cosmetic to emphasize the shocked expression resulting from her latest cosmetic procedure, extra jewelry, a bright turquoise and gold colored tunic covered in sequins which was complimented by white sequined leggings that had fake diamonds up the sides, a leather strap with fake diamonds around her ankle, and she finished her ensemble with sparkling silver sandals complimented by a matching handbag covered in bling.  It was actually a flattering ensemble but it made her stand out in a courtroom full of business suits.  As I sat down I was grateful that my sister was there .... bling and all.  Somehow, during this time of stress, it was reassuring to see my oldest sister standing strong and just being true to who she is.  I felt a sense of pride as I listened to her reply to the judge intelligently and with confidence. It was at this moment when I realized that, although neither of us had the perfect mother, we are both striving to be the best daughters that my mother will allow us to be.

Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.

ERMA BOMBECK, Family: The Ties that Bind ... And Gag

If Erma Bombeck were here today I would write her a letter and express my gratitude.  Her words help me keep my perspective and my sanity.  What is more important is that she helped me to find the laughter in the in the face of family drama.