Expectations and Acceptance

"I am not in this world to live up to your expectations and you are not in this world to live up to mine."
Bruce Lee.

Setting expectations for someone else  is a recipe for disappointment.  We are all different and constantly changing because  the times change, the circumstances change, and people change. We need to allow room for the differences and we need to make allowances for people to be human.

"When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are." Donald Miller.

Recently, the media had several articles about kids who commit suicide as a result of criticism and public humiliation.  I read an article on bullying which was written by Marlo Thomas that says "We need to teach all kids empathy and bring them together inclusively."  This is a beautiful, but unrealistic, statement.  As much as I would applaud a world in which everyone loves each other to the point of forming a group hug and singing Kum Ba Ya, this type of expectation is setting the stage for a failed effort. In truth, no one person should need to completely embrace the ways of anyone else.  I don't  like everyone I meet  but I  do have a responsibility to, not only accept the differences, but to also respect someone else's right to be different provided that thes differences do not threaten the health or safety of anyone else. Acceptance is not submission.  Acceptance is merely the vehicle which helps us give someone room to be human, to make mistakes, and to be different.


Growing up, my mother's strict religious standards prohibited me from engaging in the same activities as the other kids so I was usually alone.  I wasn't really accepted in school until I was in Jr. High School. Prior to that, there were several kids who made my life miserable.  One difference between then and now is that the taunting and teasing could be limited to the classroom.  The internet, social media, and cell phone communication did not exist so the taunting and humiliation could not be memorialized on the internet as it is today.  Fear of failure, not fitting in, or of not having the perfect appearance are causing people to take risks that have life altering consequences.

"We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses."

CG Jung.

In order to survive in this world we must learn that criticism is inevitable. No matter what one does, someone will criticize.   Acceptance is necessary to make us feel valued but criticism is necessary to keep us humble. 
However, criticism is only a weapon if we allow it to have power.

"...you are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself and others, you may finally find the happiness that has eluded you." Lisa Kleypas 'Love in the afternoon'

My life was driven by the acceptance of others until I was in my mid twenties. I spent a lot of time making decisions to please others instead of following my heart.  After making one or two important decisions based on sustaining the approval of someone else I found that, although the people in my life were satisfied with my decision, the results were not the best choice for me.   Since that time I established my own standards and live my life accordingly. This brings me close to some and creates distance with others but the relationships I have now are genuine.

 

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."  Dr. Seuss.

In the wild, an eagle is an eagle and does not try to mimic the mountain lion.  Each creature is accepting of the other. This is nature's way.  Instead of "Teaching kids empathy and bringing them together inclusively" we should teach everyone to embrace the beauty being unique and help them learn acceptance. It is the commonalities that bond us but  the differences will make life interesting.



I Own My choice, I own the result

Today when I sat down to write this blog, the intent was to  vent my frustration over a few things that are bothering me. Then I deleted what I was writing.  I refuse to allow anger to poison my heart or my words. Sometimes  the 'people problems  happen all at once. When a co-worker or a friend does or says something offensive, I take a moment to think "What did I do to offend them?"  I then try to understand their point of view and work through the issue. But it is easier to work through an issue with someone if we don't have a close personal relationship because there is less to lose. When a close friend or a family member does, or says, hurtful things it is not as easy to dismiss. It is also not as easy to address, because the stakes are higher. 

 I remember a book called 'The Choice Theory.' by William Glasser where he says that "The only person's behavior we can control is our own."

Some of my biggest mistakes in life happened when I made a choice because maintaining the approval of others was stronger than the desire to follow what my heart told me to do.  I realize now that everyone approaches life in their own way. What I learned is that mistakes are a part of life. If a person is quick to pass judgment and dismiss someone then they didn't value that person to begin with. 

People view situations differently.  We can only influence the part that we own and we always own the results of our choices. Today, I no longer allow others to influence my decisions. This has created distance with some people and brought me closer to others.

I value my friends but a few of my closest friendships started out with conflict.  I have a strong personality, therefore, I attract friends with strong personalities.   Strong people are not compliant so if someone expects us to comply without question, we won't.  My friends and I are motivated to try and do the what is best.  We try to avoid hurting others and we are always open to a conversation. The conversation is how the friendships started.

The book of Ephesians and the book of Corinthians both talk about effective communication. In each book it says to speak the truth through love.  In other words, speak the truth with good intent and do not communicate in anger.

My values were derived from my parents, but life experience defines who I am.  Ask me a question, I will tell you the truth.  If you don't want the truth, then don't ask me the question.  Just because a directive is issued to someone stating demands does not mean that they have an obligation to comply. Someone issued a directive to me a while back and then asked me "I just want to make certain that we are on the same page."  When I told her "No, I am not on the same page but I will go along until a better solution can be negotiated." she was not happy and has not spoken to me since.  I didn't give her the answer she was hoping for but my statement left an opening for further conversation.  I own the result of my choice and I am comfortable with it. She owns hers. The fact that she was quick to pass judgment and dismiss me tells me that she did not place any value on the relationship in the first place.

No two people are alike therefore a solution that works for one person may not work for another. The willingness to discuss options makes a difference between developing a good relationship or developing a relationship that is not as pleasant. Good communication and compromise are  always the answer.


As Dr. Glasser points out, "The only behavior we can control is our own" and I would add that we own the results of our choices as well.

The Space Within.

"We work with being, but non-being is what we use." Lao Tzu

This is a favorite saying of mine stated by a great philosopher. These words, spoken centuries ago, are still true today.   People work to create the tangible, but it is the intangible that is of the most value.   We spend our time trying to achieve more, to build more, and  to accumulate more but more.... is simply more. The walls which create a beautiful house does not make it a home.  A home comes from what we make of the space within.  One can create a beautiful cup, but it is the space inside of the cup which will provide the most value.

Years ago I heard my church pastor give a sermon to some teenagers.  He told a story about a couple who went on vacation but before they left they cleaned their home thoroughly, covered everything to prevent dust,  turned off the power, and left for two weeks.  When they came back they noticed this terrible smell coming from inside of their refrigerator so they waxed it to make it look beautiful yet the smell remained.  Then they decided the refrigerator needed to live in a nicer kitchen so they added new counters and cabinets. The smell was still there.  They decided the refrigerator needed a better social group so they bought all new appliances and threw a big party. Yet the smell remained.  It never occurred to them that the problem was coming from the intangible part of the appliance, the space inside, so correcting the outside  improved the appearance but did not correct the problem.

Many people spend a great amount of money improving their appearance, owning expensive items, or taking exotic trips and then become perplexed because their quality of life is not improving. Then there are people who carry emotional baggage so they put up walls to avoid whatever disturbs them  instead of dealing with the problem head on.  These  same people  pass judgement and complain endlessly about whatever issue is causing them grief because they never truly tried to work through their issues in the first place.

I think that society creates images that some people interpret as expectations that they are expected to live up to. This causes these same people to see boundaries that truly do not exist.  These boundaries are only perceived obstacles which hinder people from living their life in a way that provides true value.  I have a friend who undergoes plastic surgery at least once a year. In her attempt to remain young she has sacrificed many things she used to enjoy such as getting outdoors to enjoy the sunshine, indulging in the occasional hot fudge sundae, or traveling. She can't afford cable television but she carries a purse that cost one month's salary and spends a great deal of money on beauty treatments.  Her desire for the appearance is greater than her desire to enjoy living. As for myself, I choose quality of life.  I refuse to adjust my life to fit into  boundaries created by the expectation of society. Instead,  I would prefer to adjust these perceived boundaries to fit my life. When I am gone no one cares how many Luis Vuitton handbags I had, how much my watch cost, or how many wrinkles were on my face.  What will be remembered is the intangible part of myself that makes me who I am.  Who we are has very little to do with appearance because we are defined by the 'space within.'

Everyone will  grow old, our possessions will become outdated, and money can be gained or lost. Change is really the only constant and everyone, without exception, will experience  change as we go through life.

It is easy to become so busy taking care of the tangible part of our life that we neglect the intangible. Yet our true value comes from the intangible part of ourselves which makes up that 'non being' space.  Therefore, because life is ever changing, it is important to remain aware of what our inner self is comprised of.  I think it is important to meditate, or just take a time out to inventory who we are every now and then.  I relate this process to cleaning the refrigerator.  This is not an easy process because, as the entertainer Pink said, 'There is truth silence that we cannot hide from."  We all need to take inventory from time to time,  identify where that smell is coming from, and clean as needed. For myself, I need to remind myself to take time to evaluate my life, to stop avoiding what scares me, understand  what my personal demons are, and how to manage them.  When I do this  it is inevitable that at some point in the future I will need to repeat the process because the only constant in life is change and the 'non being' space is far too valuable to ignore.