Defining Moments and The M&M Plates

This is the first holiday that my daughter was unable to be with us.  She moved to China for a job opportunity  a little over a month ago so taking an extended leave to come home for Holiday isn't possible this year.   Her absence is difficult for all of us. However, during the last few years I have been gifted with so many amazing moments that my faith has been strengthened over and over again.  I know that things are happening just as they should be.  

The philosophy of a work/life balance is good in theory but we need to work to live. So it is inevitable that at times one takes precedence over the other.  I sometimes become frustrated as I try to maintain the work/life balance and wonder why  God is leaving me to struggle like this. Sometimes I simply feel overwhelmed so I pray for guidance and help in maintaining my perspective.  I have faith that God will guide us and he  will help us respond to life's experiences,  direct us in the best direction, and show us in his own way that he is with us.

Holiday time is a difficult time for me.  It is a time of emotion and my 'to do list runneth over.'  I tend to over commit both at work and at home during this time of year so it isn't unusual to find myself praying for that guidance more often than I normally would.  Most recently I was becoming frustrated because the Thanksgiving day schedule changed and then changed again and then again. In the end,  the day was to be spent with just me, my son, and my granddaugther with an early morning call to my daughter, a drop in visit from friends, and an outing later in the evening. Since the dinner was just the three of us, I bought nice holiday table settings and  was prepared for a nice dinner.

Our Thanksgiving had an early start so we could call my daughter before her Thanksgiving day ended.  I made cinnamon rolls, there was a trip to the park,  we walked the dogs, and  then it was time for lunch.  My granddaughter followed me around the kitchen that morning as the smell of cinnamon permeated my home.  She was saying "Nana, I want a ninnamon roll," in her two year old voice.  She helped my son set the table but instead of my new tableware, she wanted to set the table with her  M and  M  plates.  She took my hand and showed me my spot. Then she said "You have blue nanna." In my spot was  her  favorite blue         M and  M  plate.  My good dishes are cobalt blue, my car is blue, and many other things because it is my favorite color.  She knows I like blue so my granddaughter shared her favorite blue M and M  plate with me. I was moved by such a  thoughtful gesture from someone so young. We ignored the table settings I had originally intended to use.  For lunch I made  Shrimp scampi and salad. Dinner was a roast duck with potatoes and vegetable, followed by a blueberry cobbler. Everything was eaten on the blue  M and M plate with a precious little voice telling Nana that she "likes this kind of chicken."  Then it was off to Zoo Lights.  The only thing that would have made it happier is if my daughter had been with us.

Friday afternoon I read an email from my daughter. She is working in China and churches are restricted there.  She has been looking for a place to worship was excited that she finally found a church but the services are held either through a virtual church or in someones home.  She said the Bishop is hosting a Thanksgiving dinner.  His family was hosting a dinner for those who attend  the services. She was so excited about the church, meeting other Americans, and  a real Thanksgiving dinner with real American food.  I had been praying for her and was happy that she had found a connection to home. Then on Saturday night I received an email saying "Mom, I was talking to the bishop's wife. She is the lady who invited me to dinner and she is from your home town.  When I mentioned your name she become very emotional and said you were good friends in School."  I immediately wondered who she had met on the other side of the world because the town I grew up in was very small.  The email continues, "She even knows Grandma's house and your family."  When she finally mentioned her name and asked if I remembered her  I was stunned  and, become emotional myself.  This woman and I were very very close friends but we lost contact when her family moved to a different town. Many of the memories from my youth include her or her family.  I think I was 17 or 18 the last time I saw her. It is nothing short of a miracle that she and my daughter connected Chengdu China. 

I rarely cry, but I cried when I read my friend's first email. Although I am happy to reconnect, I am also sad to learn that she was struggling with health issues.  So I spent some time crying  because of the miracle, the reunion with a dear friend, and because of her struggle with cancer.   She will be in Arizona in a few weeks.  Seeing my dear friend will be the best present I could have.  There are times when it is hard to trust,  but I know things happen for a reason. How could I not trust when I have just witnessed another one of God's miracles.  

Over the last few years I have been blessed with some miracles that are nothing short of spectacular. I know that whatever happens does so because it was meant to happen.  God has his own way of reminding me  that living isn't about predictability, schedules, work, or perfect dinners.  I am so grateful for the life experiences that taught me to open my mind and my heart to the defining moments that can only be described as a miracle.   I am grateful for the experiences that taught me to appreciate that small gestures, like a two year old sharing her blue MandM plate and  miracles such as reconnecting with a dear friend from my youth ...all because my daughter struck up a conversation with a woman at a church dinner .... while living on the other side of the world.

What Matters

It is that time of year again.  Thanksgiving is in a few days so I sat down to make my list of things that I need to get done. When I was finished, I realized that I can't accomplish everything on the list and still have time to enjoy the season. So I cancelled a kayak outing to give myself time to get some chores completed. By the end of my weekend all I had done was work and on Sunday night I was regretting the fact that I didn't make time for myself.

My parents taught me to work first and play last.  I agree with this line of thinking but when the work is endless,  when do we stop? After all, everyone needs time to play, just sit quietly to enjoy the view, or allow time to just  work through the feelings that overwhelm us.  Yet I cancelled a kayak outing that offers me all of these things so I could allow more time for chores that will only need to be repeated next weekend. 

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established." 

George Carlin

Monday came and I discussed my weekend with a friend of mine.  She said "So, you gave up time to relax and recharge so you could do yardwork and dust baseboards?" Later in the day she sent me an article and the first sentence caught my attention.  "Why do we wait for a crisis, or for something to happen, before we give ourselves permission to pursue what makes us happy?" 

She knows me well. One of my great failings is that I can become so involved in doing that I will forget to just enjoy living. Several times in previous years I have had to take a step back and regroup.  I often find myself so busy fulfilling my duties that I forget to take time to enjoy what life is all about.

"When we need to find God, he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature, trees, flowers, grass all grow in silence? See the stars, the moon, and the sun ..see  how they move in silence? We need silence to be able to touch souls."  Mother Teresa

Sacrificing my kayak outing meant more to me than giving up a pleasurable activity. The outdoors is like my church.  When I am away from civilization, I am closest to God.  I love the silence, the smell of nature, and I am in awe of everything I see.  As I hike up a mountain or paddle my kayak there is no reason not to be true to my own feelings.  When I am faced with the silence I cannot run from the truth.  I take this time to think and reflect.  It is a time when I revisit my memories, feel sad, or just enjoy being happy.  When I return to civilization, I feel  renewed and I am better able to face the challenges of this world. 

 A few years ago I was so busy being a parent, breadwinner, taking care of a home, and working that there wasn't much of me left over.  As Christmas approached I found a book sitting on my nightstand that I had purchased almost a year before yet I had no time to begin reading it.  I made a resolution that during the coming year  I would make time to do something that I enjoy daily. The following year, my resolution was to make more time to take care of myself.  I have kept both resolutions because I consider them to be baby steps for the recovering workaholic.  Two years ago my resolution was to invest in myself so I began shopping for kayaks. I now have my own equipment. 

"The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude." Oprah Winfrey

  I wonder why people need a reason to give themselves permission to enjoy life. There are not many things that frighten me.  However,  I am terrified that I will grow too old to do the things I enjoy then find myself looking back with regrets for all of the things I wanted to try but didn't because I was too busy dusting my baseboards.

So,  I have now reorganized my 'to do' list.   My list is shorter because it is no longer about having the perfect house. My priority is  now about creating perfect memories. This year's  resolution is that within 12 months I will do something I have wanted to do but have put off.  I am giving myself permission to be passionate about life. My newest resolution is to pursue my passions one passion at a time.

Fluff and Granola

Years ago one of my sisters labelled me as a "fluff and granola" type of woman.  She didn't mean it in a bad way, she was comparing me to some other women who revel in their helpless demeanor and are more concerned with the condition of their manicures than the condition of our country.  For myself, my nails are neat but natural.  I feel that there is so much more to do in life than waste time in a salon chair.

Most of my time is spent with a group of women who are focused on something other than the beauty rituals. Yesterday, for instance, my friend and I met at a farmers market. We discussed gardening with the vendors, taste tested the honey, bought some seeds  for our gardens, and  her M and M jacket caught the attention of almost everyone.  Afterward we went to breakfast and discussed the graduation party she is planning after the New Year to celebrate the completion of  her PHD. Our conversations covered many topics but beauty procedures never came up.  It was a truly enjoyable morning.

Later I met another friend for dinner and a wine tasting.  The discussion encompassed wine, cheese, food, and events in our personal lives.  Discussions over the latest movie star drama or fashion crazes did not enter the conversations all evening.

My friend and I bought raffle tickets for a drawing. As we were looking at the potential prizes lined up on a long table my friend sighs as she sees a beautiful handmade candelabra with candles.  She says "That is so beautiful but I already have so many candles."  I laugh and say "One can never have too many candles."  As I said this I hear the man next to me chuckle.  I looked at him so he shrugged and said "Now that is something only a woman would say."   I laughed and said "Oh, but it is true!  I could take offense to that comment but since you have a NY Giants Jacket on, I guess I'll let that comment slide."  He said he was surprised that I was a Giants fan so I told him "Yes I am a Giants fan who happens to like scented candles.... and a good bottle of wine of course."  My friend is a Cardinals fan so within minutes we found ourselves enjoying a lively discussion with him and his friends on football, the basketball strike, scented candles, martinis, wines and  local restaurants.  As we prepared to leave he said " You surprise me because you initially gave a different impression... I thought you would be all about the girl stuff... which is OK... but you aren't ...uh...which is great!" Then he just shugs and says : I mean that as a compliment by the way."  I just smiled and said "Thank you." It was a sincere statement and the nicest compliment that I have had in a while.

So I have to ask myself, does this mean I have grown out of my fluff and granola label?  Of course it is possible that I have simply evolved into the fluff and granola woman who enjoys her granola but also enjoys a good wine,  a scented candle, and nicely manicured nails.