Expectations

Today is Sunday and I spent my day in the company of my two dogs reading a book and completing a few household chores.  It was a day to recharge and I enjoyed it thoroughly.  Some of my friends do not understand how I can enjoy my alone time since they prefer to have someone around. Therefore they cannont relate to the pleasure I find in solitude. 

Sometimes I wonder if a person's inability to enjoy their own company is based on some type of insecurity. For example, if I were a person who lived to meet the expectations of others then the occasional day of solitude may not be as enjoyable because my focus could not be on my own contentment.

 Everyone will compare themself to someone else from time to time.  Monitoring the success of our peers is how we measure our self against the rest of the world.  However, if we are not careful  we will exhaust ourselves in our attempts to meet the perceived expections of others.  In our journey to conform to what we perceive is expected of us, we can develop battle fatigue which leaves us vulnerable.  The exhaustion and stress  can blind us to the possibilities that are often right in front of us and causing us to only see the problems. 

I have been under a great deal of stress this last few weeks and solitude is my way to recharge.  I am content but sometimes my contentment can be misconstrued for being just being complaisant.  Since I have never been one who lives to meet the expectations of others, I have a low tolerance for other who do.  Too many people will put their ego in the driver's seat instead of just doing what they know is best for their own life. These people will define their own pleasure around what is looks appealing to their peers. Everone has those moments where the ego rules, but if the ego drives our life all of the time then there is a shallowness that I don't want to bring into my world. 

A friend recently held a dinner and, upon arrival, I discovered that she invited an eligible bachelor for me to meet. I hate blind dates so this was, in their well intentioned way, an opportunity to introduce me to someone they felt would be the perfect match. I am single, they are married and happy. They care about me and the expectation is that my life should be as happy as their life  is. However, the potential match was not a match.  His ego was in the drivers seat from his large expensive car to his spray on tan.  Attempts to actually have a conversation failed and I ended up talking to others more than him while  he sat on the side talking to no one.  If he had simple relaxed and focused on an enjoyable evening everyone would have enjoyed his company more and I speculate that the evening would have been much more pleasant for him as well.

About  a year ago I dated someone for a couple of months. He was  a senior manager for an engineering firm and travelled internationally for work. Because of his job, he would be gone for long periods of time so we  ended up staying friends.  He wasn't a bad looking man but when one of my best friends met him she was appalled because he wasn't gorgeous.  When I told her that I am not looking for gorgeous she didn't understand.  I told her that I am looking for intelligent, compassionate, and genuine.  How a person carries himself is more important to me than being tall, dark, and handsome. She did not understand my thought process and was always trying to introduce me to men who are more interested in their looks than their quality of life.  I was not offended since I understood that her intention was to encourage me to live up to the same expectations she felt were best for her own life.  However, at that time she could not understand why her own dating life was so unsatisfactory. Eventually she changed her attitude when she fell for someone who is not gorgeous, but is intelligent, compassionate, genuine, and very good to her.

My friend is an example of how expectations drive the ego and the ego causes people to compromise their own happiness.  I find it comical when I hear a woman say she is genuine yes she will forgo paying her house payment to afford a cosmetic surgery procedure so she can impress a man.   Yet, society drives this attitude. I wish I had a nickle for every time a male friend complains that women are shallow.   I often hear my male friends say  that 'nice guys don't stand a chance.' Yet, the same men who say they are looking for a good heart also want that good heart to be wrapped in a package of physical perfection. 

 I have been on my own for a some time so I  have had no choice but to learn to be independent and to accomplish many things other women have never had to learn.  Although I don't have the physical strength that a man does, I do have the ability to manage on my own so I often forget to ask for help.  I realize that this sometimes puts men off but I refuse to be something I am not.  A friend of mine is as self sufficient as I am.  She is successful, resourceful, and  intelligent.  However, when she is around men she plays the part of the dumb blond asking silly questions and acting as though she isn't incapable of managing anything.   Eventually, the true person emerges and the relationship ends.  I realize that trying to be someone I am not will offer an attraction initially but eventually my self sufficient self would emerge. So, I am what I am and if he can't take me as I am in the beginning, then he probably would not want me anyway. 

The result is that I spent today alone, content, and happy with my own company.  The only person I needed to impress is myself. I am not complaisant, I am content. Although I enjoy the company of others, the company I keep must to be the kind of company I enjoy.  There will be no compromises on this. The expectation I have of myself is that I work hard to be my personal best every day and not bend my values or shirk my responsibilities to meet the expectations of the rest of the world.  Love me or  leave me, I am who I am.