Saturday, September 18, 2010
cheryl's musings: I Am Where God Wants Me To Be.
cheryl's musings: I Am Where God Wants Me To Be.: "Life is difficult. Money problems, bearing the burdens alone, dealing with adult children who really don't understand me, an exhusband, a..."
Learning About Myself
Throughout my life I have heard one comment repeated to me in a variety of ways. In the past week, I heard this comment made to me from my daughter and two very dear friends. In each instance they reference my independent streak. Yes, I am independent to a fault and I can be stubborn. This causes me to wonder, is this truly a fault or is it a character trait that simply needs to be fine tuned?
I took up kayaking this summer. On my very first outing I was addicted. I have always loved the feeling of floating on the water. My love of hiking is because of the benefits to my body and my mind. Hiking offers the freedom to experience the beauty of mother earth while walking where ever my legs can take me. Kayaking takes this experience to a new level. So, I joined a kayaking club and have been on a couple of outings with them. The problem is that the group is so large it is difficult to form friendships. Since my skill level is still considered a beginner I realize that going on the water solo is not safe. So, if I do go, I go with a someone else. However, I don't want to rely on people who are strangers to me. River kayaking involves at least two people and two vehicles. One vehicle at the starting point and another vehicle down river at the ending point to prevent the need to hike miles upriver with a kayak to get back to the starting point. The group experience is fine on a lake or flat water where I only need to rely on myself to return to the starting point. However, I am unwilling to rely on a group of people, who are basically strangers to me with no responsibility to assist anyone else, to get me back to the starting point. For this I was told my independent streak is holding me back. I disagree. My independing streak is keeping me safe.
My daughter lives with me and there have been times when tension surfaces. Most of our clashes have been primarily over clutter or cleaning. I like a clean and organized living space. My daughter is just fine with clutter. Although a little clutter, that is picked up after a short time, is sinply part of living in a home. Clutter that stagnates for months is unacceptable in my home. It isn't the clutter that is causing the problem, it is her indifference to it. She had a cooking mishap this week and burned a pot. I shared with her a technique to clean it. After she started the cleaning process, she announced that she needed specific time frames on cleaning my pot because she needs to budget her time. I ended up doing that chore as well as several other small chores that would have taken only 10 minutes out of her television time. Later, after I as calmer, I told her I was upset about the situation. Her response was to tell me that I am moody and controlling.
Once again I wondered if I was the stubborn child sitting on the front porch steps while the family eats one of my favorite dinners. Left out because I am too stubborn to relent. What I realize is that no one is perfect. Each of us can find a variety of adjectives to describe the different approaches to life. The kayaking approach I took wasn't about control. It is about safety. I can't control every situation but relying on people I don't know in an uncontrolled situation isn't wise. When I kayak, the cell phone doesn't always have a signal. The questions is, what if ..for some reason...I was left behind. How would I get myself and my kayak back to my car? If we were on a lake, I could paddle back or leave the kayak and hike back. Completely different situation. So, if I go on a river I want to at least one partner that I can depend on whether I am with a group or not. As for my daughter, I am 51 and it is important to me to have a home that is a clean and comfortable place to live. My daughter has funds to go on trips and shop but nothing contributes nothing to this household. At bare minimum her contribution needs be that she makes and effort to ensure she isn't creating additional burden. That means that she needs to clean up after herself and clutter needs to be put away in a reasonable time frame.
There are times when I reflect back on a stance I have taken and I will regret my response. This is not one of those times. What I am grateful for is that God revealed to me as a young child how important it is to admit our weaknesses and be receptive the the fact that we are prone to be wrong from time to time. Self reflection with each incident is important to me because if I am wrong I want to realize it in time to make the attempt to apologize and make things right
I took up kayaking this summer. On my very first outing I was addicted. I have always loved the feeling of floating on the water. My love of hiking is because of the benefits to my body and my mind. Hiking offers the freedom to experience the beauty of mother earth while walking where ever my legs can take me. Kayaking takes this experience to a new level. So, I joined a kayaking club and have been on a couple of outings with them. The problem is that the group is so large it is difficult to form friendships. Since my skill level is still considered a beginner I realize that going on the water solo is not safe. So, if I do go, I go with a someone else. However, I don't want to rely on people who are strangers to me. River kayaking involves at least two people and two vehicles. One vehicle at the starting point and another vehicle down river at the ending point to prevent the need to hike miles upriver with a kayak to get back to the starting point. The group experience is fine on a lake or flat water where I only need to rely on myself to return to the starting point. However, I am unwilling to rely on a group of people, who are basically strangers to me with no responsibility to assist anyone else, to get me back to the starting point. For this I was told my independent streak is holding me back. I disagree. My independing streak is keeping me safe.
My daughter lives with me and there have been times when tension surfaces. Most of our clashes have been primarily over clutter or cleaning. I like a clean and organized living space. My daughter is just fine with clutter. Although a little clutter, that is picked up after a short time, is sinply part of living in a home. Clutter that stagnates for months is unacceptable in my home. It isn't the clutter that is causing the problem, it is her indifference to it. She had a cooking mishap this week and burned a pot. I shared with her a technique to clean it. After she started the cleaning process, she announced that she needed specific time frames on cleaning my pot because she needs to budget her time. I ended up doing that chore as well as several other small chores that would have taken only 10 minutes out of her television time. Later, after I as calmer, I told her I was upset about the situation. Her response was to tell me that I am moody and controlling.
Once again I wondered if I was the stubborn child sitting on the front porch steps while the family eats one of my favorite dinners. Left out because I am too stubborn to relent. What I realize is that no one is perfect. Each of us can find a variety of adjectives to describe the different approaches to life. The kayaking approach I took wasn't about control. It is about safety. I can't control every situation but relying on people I don't know in an uncontrolled situation isn't wise. When I kayak, the cell phone doesn't always have a signal. The questions is, what if ..for some reason...I was left behind. How would I get myself and my kayak back to my car? If we were on a lake, I could paddle back or leave the kayak and hike back. Completely different situation. So, if I go on a river I want to at least one partner that I can depend on whether I am with a group or not. As for my daughter, I am 51 and it is important to me to have a home that is a clean and comfortable place to live. My daughter has funds to go on trips and shop but nothing contributes nothing to this household. At bare minimum her contribution needs be that she makes and effort to ensure she isn't creating additional burden. That means that she needs to clean up after herself and clutter needs to be put away in a reasonable time frame.
There are times when I reflect back on a stance I have taken and I will regret my response. This is not one of those times. What I am grateful for is that God revealed to me as a young child how important it is to admit our weaknesses and be receptive the the fact that we are prone to be wrong from time to time. Self reflection with each incident is important to me because if I am wrong I want to realize it in time to make the attempt to apologize and make things right
Monday, September 6, 2010
Learning to "just be."
I am taking time to "just be." It is Labor day Weekend and I took a few days off with plans to go outdoors and kayak, clean, organize, and hopefully paint. I did clean, I took a day to get outdoors,I did some reorganizing, and but I can't decide on a paint color. Olive green is color of choice but I can't decide on one accent wall or should I to paint the entire living area. So, this morning I decided accent walls to be painted now and I will tackle the living area one wall at a time. I am having a girls night gathering at my house in about 7 weeks and the holidays are coming so I am extremely motivated to get the house in order. Although, right now I am feeling impatient because I am not someone to move slowly once I have a plan of action.
My daughter went kayaking with me. We went to the movie and made a dinner together. It was enjoyable and I felt closer to her this weekend than I have in many years. Her habit of making a mess and contributing nothing are still a worry for me. However, I think I have decided on an approach to address the subject. with her My greatest fear is that my relationships with my kids will be as strained as the relationship I have with my mom. I don't want my kids resenting me like we resent my mother. The truth is, that I feel that my daughter sees me as an embarrassment. I feel as though all she sees is what I haven't done for her. She doesn't realize all that I have done or the sacrifices that I made. Maybe someday she will have a glimmer of understanding. I hope so because I do love her.
Yesterday, I had lunch with my son and saw pictures of the baby. That little girl is Crystal's clone. If I held her baby picture up next to Crystal's baby picture the resemblance is amazing. They are having a paternity test done but I after seeing that beautiful baby it is only a formality to protect VJ's rights because the mom, Wendy, has remarried. The baby's name is Violet Rain. Once the paternity test confirms the identity, VJ will tell his dad and Crystal. Interestingly enough I am afraid of seeing the baby and I am afraid of not getting to see her at the same time. VJ said that being around his daughter feels wierd. Well, "wierd" is a good word for how I feel too.
I woke up feeling off today and realized that today is the anniversary of my dad's death. This weekend I was thinking of him and how much I miss him. He was such a blessing in my life and there isn't a day that he isn't in my thoughts.
This past year has been a year of change. George and I broke up. Don made an entrance into my life after 30+ years and the whole situation was, as always, unsettling. I reconnected with some lifetime friends, deepened a friendship with existing friends, discovered some new interests, and learned to love myself again. The one thing I had a difficult time with was being alone 24/7 until recently. I tried dating. Blind dates that didn't click and online dating that proved to be a comedy of errors rather than the fun experience we see on the match.come commercials. Frankly, I enjoy a good book and a glass of wine more than any of the dates I have been on. At one point I decided that I was going to not date and resolved to just grow old alone. Of course, God in all his wisdom gave me the message that "if you are afraid of commitment then you are not really free...just be." So, my focus is on learning to "just be" and not become stressed because my house doesn't look like it belongs in a home magazine, my body is not model perfect, and I don't have tons of disposable income for fabulous vacations. My focus is on what I can control and learning to "just be" while I enjoy what each day has to offer.
My daughter went kayaking with me. We went to the movie and made a dinner together. It was enjoyable and I felt closer to her this weekend than I have in many years. Her habit of making a mess and contributing nothing are still a worry for me. However, I think I have decided on an approach to address the subject. with her My greatest fear is that my relationships with my kids will be as strained as the relationship I have with my mom. I don't want my kids resenting me like we resent my mother. The truth is, that I feel that my daughter sees me as an embarrassment. I feel as though all she sees is what I haven't done for her. She doesn't realize all that I have done or the sacrifices that I made. Maybe someday she will have a glimmer of understanding. I hope so because I do love her.
Yesterday, I had lunch with my son and saw pictures of the baby. That little girl is Crystal's clone. If I held her baby picture up next to Crystal's baby picture the resemblance is amazing. They are having a paternity test done but I after seeing that beautiful baby it is only a formality to protect VJ's rights because the mom, Wendy, has remarried. The baby's name is Violet Rain. Once the paternity test confirms the identity, VJ will tell his dad and Crystal. Interestingly enough I am afraid of seeing the baby and I am afraid of not getting to see her at the same time. VJ said that being around his daughter feels wierd. Well, "wierd" is a good word for how I feel too.
I woke up feeling off today and realized that today is the anniversary of my dad's death. This weekend I was thinking of him and how much I miss him. He was such a blessing in my life and there isn't a day that he isn't in my thoughts.
This past year has been a year of change. George and I broke up. Don made an entrance into my life after 30+ years and the whole situation was, as always, unsettling. I reconnected with some lifetime friends, deepened a friendship with existing friends, discovered some new interests, and learned to love myself again. The one thing I had a difficult time with was being alone 24/7 until recently. I tried dating. Blind dates that didn't click and online dating that proved to be a comedy of errors rather than the fun experience we see on the match.come commercials. Frankly, I enjoy a good book and a glass of wine more than any of the dates I have been on. At one point I decided that I was going to not date and resolved to just grow old alone. Of course, God in all his wisdom gave me the message that "if you are afraid of commitment then you are not really free...just be." So, my focus is on learning to "just be" and not become stressed because my house doesn't look like it belongs in a home magazine, my body is not model perfect, and I don't have tons of disposable income for fabulous vacations. My focus is on what I can control and learning to "just be" while I enjoy what each day has to offer.
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