Happy New Year

The year 2014 has been filled with many life changing events and a healthy variety of emotion charged moments. This year I have experienced painful events, expensive events, fun events, and meaningful events.  As I looked back over the last twelve months I realized that very few things went as planned but the most important things were  experienced to their fullest.

As the holidays approached this year, I was under a tremendous amount of stress. A few weeks after my sister passed, my mother had a series of strokes. She is failing so Hospice is helping us keep her comfortable. In addition to the time and attention needed required for my mother,  it is the time of year that requires long hours at work.  As a firm believer in Murphy's Law, when my washing machine failed and then dog my dog required surgery I began to hope that Murphy would stop working overtime in my life and place his focus elsewhere. 

I didn't find time to decorate the house and shop for food until two days before Christmas. My Christmas cards were mailed on December 24th and I finished wrapping presents only a few hours before everyone was due to arrive for Christmas Eve dinner.  My daughter's plane was arriving home on Christmas day so I had planned a small Christmas dinner for our little family.  The timing for a meal at home didn't work out so we ended up at a restaurant eating Mexican food.  Mexican Food is always good and, since I was sleep deprived, this worked out well for me too.

The day after Christmas we had plans to go shopping and my sister was to join us.  On December 26, just before I was ready to hop in the shower, I tried to clear some of the remnants of the prior day's chaos and sent a text to my sister asking what time she would arrive at my house.  Her reply was "We are an hour away."  I almost hyperventilated at her response so I asked her, "Who is we?"  Thirty minutes later I tried to answer the door but my door handle jammed so I opened the garage and greeted an entourage of people as I stood there speechless, fresh from the shower, with my wet hair and bathrobe. My sister took one look at my face and said, "I guess I shouldn't have surprised you."   In spite of an interesting start to the day we had a wonderful time shopping together.  While shopping with my daughter and my sister's family,  I bumped into a dear friend which made the day just that much more special.  

That evening I remembered that I forgot to pick up a gift for my grandson's birthday party the next day so I made a quick trip to Target before they closed.   While wrapping the gift it occurred to me that as I was trying to meet the expectations of the holiday I really didn't make adequate time for all of the people who mean the most to me. Every year I promise myself that I will not let the season overwhelm me and every year I find myself overwhelmed..  Many of the things that require my attention are unavoidable but this entire month was too chaotic.  I  began to think about what I should have done/could have done differently. Perhaps I could have sacrificed the home cooked meals or asked for more time off but, in the end, I would not have changed a thing. The time with my family was precious and with each disaster there was a silver lining. When my dog got sick, I discovered that both my Vet and one of her assistants both have parents with Alzheimer Disease.  We decided to get together regularly for to support each other.  As I was selecting my new washing machine, the lady helping me said that this is the first Christmas without her mother.  As she began to talk I discovered that she had  recently lost her mother after experiencing the same thing that I am going through now.  I shared my story with her and we stood talking for a very long time.  She hugged me as I was leaving and I walked out of the appliance store I was feeling just a little better. 

This year I discovered that some folks claim to care but in times of crisis they are nowhere to be found and then other people think that just showing up, expecting to be entertained while gracing me with their presence, is enough. Someone told me once that true friends are defined in times of adversity. A true friend is someone who goes out of their way, offering to carve time from their own busy schedule to actually help. I have not accepted any of the offers to help yet but their thoughtfulness means more than words can convey. Just knowing there are people who care enough to actually show up and be there makes me feel just a little less alone.

Although this was a difficult year, it had it's highlights which gives me hope for 2015.  My dog is going to be alright, my new washing machine will be delivered in two days, I made some new friends, discovered how special other friends are, was able to finish everything in time for Christmas, spent time with family,  I was able to share Christmas with my mother (even if it was beside a hospital bed), and I have a shiny new door handle on my front door.  So, as I bid goodbye to this difficult year I enter into the year 2015 with no resolutions or expectations.  All I want is to be is the best version of myself and remember how important it is to actually show up and demonstrate the same levels of  friendship and kindness to others that I have received throughout 2014. 

Happy New Year.

 

 

The Electric Slide

Each day I go to see my mother and try to get her to eat something. She can be stubborn and will only take food and water from either myself and one other person.  This daily trip to see my mother isn't always convenient, not to mention the fact that seeing her in this condition isn't easy, so I just try to keep in mind that what my mother is experiencing isn't easy for her either.  I don't like dwelling on the negative so I am committed to looking for those small positive moments and embracing them.  As it turns out, I didn't need to look very hard because those small moments are all around me. 

In the  assisted living residence where my mother is I have become well acquainted with some of the residents and most of the staff.  Each visit is an opportunity to chat with someone I have become friends with and I almost always see something that makes me smile.  As I was leaving this evening I stepped into the lobby and saw one of the older residents teaching people how to dance.  When they were finished with the dance I stepped forward, clapping my hands saying "Well done!" The receptionist pointed to Bobbi,  the elderly woman, and told me that she used to be a dance teacher. 

Bobbi looked right at me and asks "Do you jitterbug?"  I just told her that a good friend taught me the steps when I was young but I haven't done the jitterbug in years. She immediately pushed her walker aside as she took my hands and said "Let's see what you can do!"  Within minutes we were dancing around the lobby.  As I helped her back to her walker someone asked her if she can do the electric slide. She said no so the receptionist put on some music and a couple of the nurses proceeded to teach Bobbi and I the electric slide. Before long, a few other people had joined in and we spent about twenty minutes learning a variety of line dances.  It was the best evening I have had in a long time and proves that there is no age limit on fun.  However, if someone would have ever told me that I would find myself in the lobby of an assisted living laughing and line dancing with caregivers and a group of 80 year olds,  I would have called them crazy.  Although, I do have to admit that these moments of craziness are exactly what is keeping me sane.

Looking For The Lights

A couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, my mother was admitted to the hospital because of a stroke. While in the hospital, she had two more strokes, and a blood clot went through her heart.  Her strong little heart broke up the clot sending multiple clots into her lungs and, although the clot didn’t get into the brain, her heart sustained damage.  One month ago my mother was this feisty little woman who was somewhat independent in spite of the fact that she has Alzheimer Disease.  For the last two years she thought that this is 1982. She was physically strong but she needed people to remind her not to wear a winter coat in July and to help her understand what time of day it is.  Today, she can’t lift her arms, has limited use of her hands, and is bedridden.  However, her stubborn streak survived and she refuses food or therapy unless I am present.  This means that each day after work I need to be physically present for her unless my sister can come into town to relieve me.   Of course, the additional challenge is the Alzheimer Disease.  She doesn’t understand why she is bedridden, she doesn’t remember the two week hospital stay, and she doesn’t remember that she has spent the last two years in the assisted living. Every time I see her she asks me what happened.  Her doctor told us that unless she can invest in her own recovery she may not get better.  As her guardians, the decisions fall on my sister and I to make decisions for her care but my sister says “Whatever you think is best.”

I have spent the last month splitting my time between my mother’s hospital bed and work.   The time between these two activities leaves me just enough to eat, sleep, and shower.  A few days ago I was sitting next to my mother’s bed listening to the rhythm of the oxygen machine when I felt a feeling of complete defeat overwhelm me.  At that moment, I was grateful for the solitude of that room because I could just close my mind and insulate myself from everything.  I didn’t know if it was the emotional exhaustion, the physical exhaustion, or something more but all I wanted to do was to sit and think of ………..nothing. So, that is exactly what I did.  I sat and refused to think of my list of tasks that exceed the time available to accomplish them. I cleared my head of the hurt, the worry, and the things that I just can’t fix. For an entire hour, all I did was sit and stare out the window watching the city lights.  By the time I was ready to go home I felt better.  As I was preparing to leave, my mother’s caregiver asked me how I am doing.  I responded ‘As good as I can be I guess. There are just some things I can’t fix and this is one of them.’ 

I took a detour on the way home so I could re-energize by just enjoying the night sky and the Christmas lights.  This is the second time in three months that I have been forced to sit helplessly and watch someone who is failing. I have always held firm to the belief that everything happens for a reason but I struggle to find logic in this.   In spite of my own struggle, I know that everything has a purpose even if I don’t understand it.  These events have created too many opportunities for me to sink into a dark place but, like my mother, I am stubborn and refuse to go there. I am investing in my own emotional health by looking for those rays of happiness and I see them everywhere.  The staff that cares for my mother are absolutely wonderful.  They have their own sense of community and I have found friends there.  I have been reminded of how much I appreciate my friends and family plus I have met a few new friends because of this.  I look around me and see many blessings that I had previously taken for granted.  Although I am sad, I am also grateful.

 

We know only too well that what we are doing is nothing more than a drop in the ocean. But if that drop were not there, the ocean would be missing something.

Mother Teresa

I had a day to myself recently and decided to paint my living room to occupy my mind. As it turns out, I traded the rhythm of the oxygen machine for the rhythm of a paint roller.  As the paint covered my walls, I decided that everyone has a choice when things look bleak. We can surrender to that dark place or we can look for those small beams of happiness.  These small moments of joy may not seem like much at first, but they are like the Christmas lights on a dark tree.  One light, then another, then another is added until the light turns a dark tree into something magical.   It occurred to me that, whether I accept the darkness or seek the light, whatever is meant to happen will happen anyway regardless of my choice.   So I do the best I can for my mother as I look for those small moments of joy. At the end of each day I make it a point to reflect back on the good moments and I always see more good moments than bad ones.  Just as Christmas lights make a dark tree appear to be something magical, these special moments turn my dark days into something spectacular.  I have a choice between remaining in the darkness and seeking the light.  My choice is to look for the light.

 

 

 

A Personal Brand

Part of your personal brand is the cumulative perceptions people have about you. It is your reputation, both online and off. It is what makes you one of a kind, even in the midst of all the others who have the same or similar skills. This is what makes people choose you, and only you. Your personal brand is basically your promise.

Maria Elena Duron  US News 11/13/14.

 

It sometimes feels as though new and improved terms are surfacing almost daily. At work we have what I call corporate slang but these terms are new label for old concepts.  For example, the first time I heard someone suggest that I “reach out” to someone I had to cover a smile.  The term reminded me of the old AT&T commercial where we were encouraged to “Reach out and touch someone.” I still don’t understand why we are “encouraged” me to “reach out to someone” instead of just saying, “Why don’t you call them to discuss?” 

Amongst the multitude of trendy terms that seem to surface on a regular basis, the one that recently caught my attention is ‘developing your personal brand.’  When I tried to get a clear and concise definition of what a personal brand actually is, all I found was a series of explanations that were vague and subjective. When an opportunity presented itself for me to attend a seminar to discuss how I can develop my own personal brand, I signed up.

As expected, the concept of developing a personal brand is a new term for an old concept.  Basically, it means that first impressions count and people should promote themselves according to how they want to be perceived. The personal brand is a label, a label that identifies the perception we want others to have of us.  Of course, the difference between the old concept and the new one is that the new one has a nifty new label to make it sound better.      

At the seminar, the speaker promised that a personal brand could improve my quality of life.  She said that a personal brand motivates us to do better.  In other words, if we decide that we want to be lose weight we can add the words active and motivated to our brand.  These words will motivate us to stick to our diet, wake up at 4a.m. to exercise.   Basically, we strive to live up to the label we want to identify with.  I may sound cynical about this theory, but I do have doubts.  This sounds like a new term for the old concept of ‘identifying a goal, outline steps to achieve the goal, and sticking to it.’  If establishing a personal brand really made it that easy I would set up a personal brand titled “Self- made millionaire who looks twenty years younger and wears a size 6.”  

 Projecting an image that only reveals certain qualities allows a one dimensional view of who we are and we humans are not one a dimensional species. I agree that we should promote our strengths; but relationships are built when people remove the veneer to reveal the real person behind the illusion.  If I only share the part of myself that hides the nuances in my personality, I end up compromising my authenticity.  I do believe that there is value in promoting our best qualities. However, a brand should not completely define me.  I am not a one dimensional being and I am definitely more than a label.