Mothers Day Moments

Sunday was Mother’s Day. For many it was a day of celebration, for some it is painful, and for me it was both.  

Two weeks before Mothers Day the residence where my mother lives sent fliers to announce that they were hosting a formal Mother’s Day brunch. I made the reservations for  my sister and I to join mom for the brunch. My mother was so excited  but she was afraid that she would forget. To help  remember, she taped the flier to her walker and kept it there for the entire two weeks to  remind herself of the upcoming event. Each time I would visit her she would point to the flier and ask me, “Did I miss this? I know my memory isn’t good and I don’t want to miss it!”  I would say “No, the day hasn’t arrived yet.”  Then I would assure her that my sister and I would both be with her on that day and we would look at the calendar to count off the days.  With each visit she would tell me, “You won’t let me miss it will you Cheryl?”  I would hug her and say “No, I wouldn’t miss spending time with you on this day for anything.”

Mom and I many Years Ago

 

People who suffer from Alzheimer Disease do not handle a disruption in routine very well. When Mother’s Day arrived, mom was excited and abnormally cooperative with her caregivers. I arrived in time to help her with her hair but once we went downstairs the confusion began to set in.  She saw the banquet hall and turned to ask me, “I know that this is a special day but I can’t remember.  Is it Thanksgiving?”  When I told her what day it was she thought for moment and nodded before following me to our table.  We had a wonderful brunch and my mother was so happy that I was suddenly overcome with a sense of sadness as I thought of all of the Mother Day brunches we missed because of petty feuds and stubborn attitudes. 

Mom and I* May 2014

 

For as long as I can remember, my children would make me a brunch on Mother’s Day but my children are now grown with lives of their own.  Although they always make me feel special, I miss waking up to the smell of coffee and the sight of them working in the kitchen to “surprise” me with an elaborate brunch.  My daughter is working overseas and but I received a call and she sent me the Happy Mother’s Day messages.  My son called in the morning and came by after he got off of work to give me a card and take me to dinner.  In spite of their absence that morning,  I woke up and had coffee in a mug that they gave me on their very first Mother’s Day brunch, a brunch that consisted of toast, fruit, and coffee because they were not old enough to use the stove. As I sipped the coffee from my special mug I still felt the love as I enjoyed memories of previous Mother’s Day breakfasts when I would see them prepare the meal together. 

 My babies and I.  Hong Kong 1993

 

 

I began to search my memory for what I did to make my mother feel special on Mother’s Day.  Although I remember cards and gifts I don’t recall actually doing anything out of the ordinary.  Of course, my mom never did more than the minimum on holidays herself.  All relationships, even the mother daughter ones, take two people to be successful.  It occurred to me that at some point  in our life the statute of limitations for blaming our parents and dysfunctional family dynamics as a contributing factor for our own personal setbacks has an expiration date.  To quote the line from the movie Frozen, “Let it go. Let it go!”  I realized that I may never be the version of myself that my mother wanted me to be but I genuinely like the person I have become and I think she likes who I have become too.  What is more important is that I have learned to leave the past in the past which frees me to enjoy every precious moment right now.

 

I think people tend to forget that our parents are just imperfect people with needs and feelings too. A friend of mine told me that he only sent his mom a card but refused to visit her on Mother’s day because she recently began dating someone. His mom has been a widow for over six years so I asked him why he wants his mom to be alone.  After  giving it some thought he told me he is simply having problems with his mom moving on.  I reminded him that life isn’t all about us.  Our parents have lives too.  Six years is an adequate grieving period.  “Let it go!”  She is getting older so why sacrifice a single moment because of a grievance over how he thinks she should be living her life?  If there is one thing that my mother’s situation has taught me, it is that time is precious so we shouldn’t lose a single second over the small things.

Conflict cannot survive without your participation.

Wayne Dyer.

I really don’t know if I could have made a difference in the relationship with my mother  had I approached things differently  in the past but I do know that now it is too late.  My mother was a proud woman, sometimes a little too proud, so she would never ask. A few months ago when mom had a moment of clarity she told me that she wishes she had handled things differently.  Sometimes I wish she would have just asked me, or at least talked to me. Of course, I didn't ask her either.  I began to think of all of the things that I could have done differently and realized that the tension between the two of has been part her; but it was also part me. I can’t change the past but I can be a better daughter right now.   My mother's fading memory creates an additional sense of urgency to savor these special moments which are destined to become the treasured memories  that Alzheimer Disease will eventually rob from her ..... but I will remember for us.  I can't fix the past or cure her mind but I can do is to reassure her that she is loved and  that she is not alone as she battles this terrible disease. 

I am learning to truly value the moments in life right now because life has reminded me that today may be all we have.  Life continues to move forward in spite of our own personal drama because time waits for no one.   People continue to get older, loved ones die,  memories fade, children grow up, and  move away to start their own families.   Time moves on which is why it is important to infuse love into each moment with cards, calls, special gestures, and Mother's Day brunches in the twilight of our lives. Mother's condition has shown me that every single moment is far too  precious to waste. 

 

Sandi, Mom, and Myself