The Misconception of Solitude

Over the last few weeks I have loved coming home. My mother is thriving in  the assisted living facility and my relatives are no longer popping in unexpectedly. I can walk my dogs whenever I want, eat whatever I want, read when and where I want, and I don't need to pick up after other people which gives me more time to complete tasks or just focus on fun.   I love my family but I also love the fact that I am no longer compromising my personal space to accommodate others.  In short, I love my solitude.

A relative recently made the comment that I must be lonely.  I told her that I am not lonely but I saw the look of doubt in her eyes. She then asked me, "Aren't you interested in finding a life partner ....or do you really want to grow old alone?"

 I often hear this question in one form  or another so I gave her my standard answer. "No,  I haven't ruled out the possibility of a life partner but I won't give up the current state of happiness just to avoid growing old alone."

 Again, I received a look of pure skepticism so I pointed out that I have a couple of friends who were widowed years ago.  Both of my grandmothers married their soul mates yet both of grandfathers passed away well before retirement age while my grandmothers went on to live well into their eighties.    There are no guarantees.  I think it is more important to learn to enjoy life on my own terms and make the commitment if I meet someone who compliments the life I have.

She surprised me with her reply of "It must be  wonderful having all of that freedom, not needing to take care of anyone,  eat out with friends every night, date if you want, shop until the stores close without checking in, and when you are at home you can do things at your own pace."  I should have told her that this isn't exactly how the single life plays out but I didn't contradict her because it helped me change the subject. 

A few days later I was discussing the conversation with my single friends.  We all agree that there are some misconceptions about those of us who are single. The first misconception is that we should be available at a moment's notice because we don't have 'real' responsibilities. It is difficult for some people to understand that we  have a schedule, a life, and responsibilities of our own even when we are flying solo.  Second, many people assume that because we are alone that we must be  lonely so our focus should be on finding 'Mr. Right or even Mr. Good enough.  Then there are those who see the single life as one big party.

These assumptions make me wonder why some people feel the need to judge and think that everyone should be in a relationship to the point that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all.  Are they just seeking some type of validation or perhaps they simply never learned to appreciate being alone.  

 The conversation progressed and soon my friends and I were talking about what we would do if we won the lottery.  The answers varied from starting a winery to buying a goat farm.  None of us need validation or permission to follow our dreams and we certainly aren't waiting for Prince (or Princess) charming to find us before we begin pursuing our passions.   Our validation comes by reaching out with a telephone call or having a conversation with a good friend over a glass of wine. 

I think that the people who are having difficulty understanding my contentment of being single do not understand that there is a difference between loneliness and solitude. I enjoy my solitude and the freedom of not being accountable to a partner.Yes,  there are drawbacks to living solo but these drawbacks are not significant enough to make me want to settle.  A life partner may or may not be in my future but either way I am happy.   I am hoping for Mr. Right but I enjoy this adventure called life far too much to settle for Mr. Good Enough.

Happy and Prosperous New Year

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. So, if you are feeling uncomfortable right now know that the change in your life is a beginning, not an ending. "
Neale Donald Walsh

 

We rang in the American New Year over a month ago but in many parts of the world they prepare to ring in the Chinese New Year this weekend.  In all countries, the new year is a symbol of putting the past to rest and celebrate the opportunities of the future.  In China, the New Years traditions are symbolic of good events that are to bring health and prosperity during the new year.  New shoes and clothes represent prosperity and the ability to overcome adversity.  On the first day of the new year all meals omit meat to symbolize no killing during the upcoming year. Gifts of candy and food are given to relatives and friends.  Unmarried children receive Ly See money in the traditional red envelopes and the list goes on.  It is a time celebrate new opportunities as we put the past behind us.

 The last year was a difficult one for me. A good friend passed away and my mother's life changed dramatically. My mother's situation had a tremendous impact me plus we are still sorting through the peripheral tasks that came with it.    For this reason, I was skeptical of what to expect in the upcoming year and the feeling of being completely overwhelmed was sometimes difficult to overcome.  January 1st came and went without much fanfare and I really didn't have any time to even think about setting goals other than to complete the work from 2012.

Today, however, is the first day of Chinese New Year. It is a special day because all of the bad stuff from last year has been left behind and, in it's wake, a fresh start is  ahead.  My mother is doing well, the work on her properties is making tremendous progress, my life is content, my sister and I are redeveloping a friendship, my friend's thirteen year old daughter was diagnosed with ovarian cancer but on Friday she was told that she should be cancer free after only  a few chemotherapy treatments. 


I have high hopes for the year of the snake so my goal is to finish the clean up detail from the previous year as I determine what life goals I want for myself.  While I am contemplating what goals to set, I intend to declutter my own life by spending more time focusing on the people and events that are precious to me. To begin this journey, my weekend is spent having dinner with my sister, today I am helping with sweet granddaughter's birthday party and spending  time with family.   I also made firm plans to get together with good friends who I have had little time for in the previous months.  After many weekends of sifting through forty plus years of stuff that my mother had hoarded because she said  "it holds memories"  I realized that tangible items are just stuff.  Memories reside inside of our hearts. The rest really is just stuff so, with the exception for what goes to my mother's apartment and a few family heirlooms, it will all be sold.

 In life, bad things happen.  We sometimes get hurt but when we stop moving forward we cheat ourselves because we aren't giving life a chance.  If we keep our focus on what is behind us  we could miss all of the blessings that are right in front of us.    I find the lyrics from the  group Switchfoot to be inspirational and their song  "I Dare You To Move"  says it best. and this is my new favorite song for the upcoming year.

Happy and Prosperous New Year - Kung Hai Fat Choi

I Dare You To Move"

Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?


I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be


Maybe redemption has stories to tell
maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor