I initially wrote this blog when I was upset. After I calmed down, I came back to make edits and soften the dialogue. As a middle aged woman who is happily single, I notice that it is difficult for some people to accept that I am comfortable with my life as it is. There are people who have a stereotypical idea of what a middle aged woman's life should be and I simply do not fit in with their level of acceptance. I am divorced and comfortable with my single status. The hunt for a life partner is not my top priority. Marriage, or a life commitment, is only an option with the man who compliments my life. Without the right partner, I intend to stay happily single. Although I encourage divergent viewpoints, and will always respect anyone who disagrees with me, I only ask that if someone does disagree with my point of view they take a second to make certain that they didn't misinterpret my words.
"It's not the men in my life that counts, it is the life in my men."
Mae West
Valentines day is about a week away and I recently spent hours listening to one of my friends ramble on about Valentines Day being so close yet she has no one to share it with. My friend has always struggled with her single status and Valentines Day is particularly difficult for her. So, just like last year, I tell her that Valentines Day is designed to generate an increase in sales for greeting cards and florists. Valentines Day can be such a fun day if it isn't taken it too seriously. My Valentines Day will be spent in the company of friends, a nice dinner, cards, shared laughter and good conversation.
"I don't like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone." - Delta Burke
While the holiday itself doesn't cause me any stress, people who jump to incorrect conclusions about me can upset me. Sometimes I feel as though I am "damned if I do and damned if I don't." If I say that I am happily single, some folks assume I am a feminist who is against marriage and commitment. Of course, when I do date, there are those who assume that I am desperate to get married. Then there are those who dislikes anyone I date because they feel that they know what I need better than I do. Why is it so difficult to accept that being single isn't a disease. Meeting men isn't difficult but I tend to be very selective. My favorite quote is from Mae West, "It's not the men in my life; it's the life in my men." I admire her boldness to make such a statement during an era when women were expected to be married and subservient. It seems as though she is reminding us to take quality over quantity. Dating, just for the sake of dating itself, has never been something I wanted to do. A good book and a glass of wine on a Saturday night at home is preferable to bad company. If I just want company, I can schedule a night out with friends. Just because I am single doesn't mean I am unhappy.
"I'm single because I was born that way." -
Mae West
Dating can be fun or it can be a lot of work depending on the approach. In this day and age, the dynamics between men and women are changing rapidly which makes some of the old assumptions a poor fit for today's society. What we once considered to be the natural order between the sexes is not always relevant. As a teenager, I was not allowed to call boys. Now, not only is it acceptable for women to call men, it is even considered acceptable for a women to initiate the request for a date. Today we can't assume that a man (or woman) who starts seeing someone on a steady basis is looking for a life partner. While I believe in life time commitment and monogamy, there are some women and men who only believe in 'commitment and monogamy for right now.' In today's world , we are not only looking for the person who compliments our life, someone with similar values and interests, but we must also look for someone with the same commitment to commitment in and of itself.
"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval."
Mark Twain
The reason for my outburst in this blog was because I recently made a comment that every woman should be comfortable with her own identity, learn how to be alone, and develop the skills necessary to be the acting head of household in the event it became necessary to step into that role. There was an immediate response from someone who quickly labeled me a feminist with a negative view of marriage. As if this wasn't enough, she retaliated with a diatribe about the fact that she is in her marriage by choice. What a ridiculous response. Of course marriage is a choice. I will not apologize for my opinions on this issue and feel that someone who has been married for several decades, yet was fortunate enough that she never needed to become a working mother or contribute to the household income, also means she has never walked one single step in my high heels. Not only am I a strong advocate of marriage, I am truly envious of anyone who has found that one person who is their life's compliment. It would be my ideal to find someone to grow old with but I refuse to settle just to avoid being alone.
"To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage; because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt. "
Madonna
I have a friend who can't be happy unless she has a man in her life. She has a new soul mate every few weeks and her mood is determined on how her current relationship is going. Her approach to meeting men is like a well orchestrated hunt as she takes every rejection personally and will cancel plans with friends and family to meet anyone with potential. As for myself, I feel that dating should be a fun interaction between two people who enjoy each other's company and want to get to know each other on a deeper level. I tried to meet men like she does using the internet and accepting one or two blind dates. The experience was as pleasant as a job interview. I prefer to meet men through life activities. This gives me the opportunity to know something about them beforehand so I can relax and enjoy the time. My approach is different so I end up dating less but I enjoy the experience more.
"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed.
Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them." -
Sex in the City
Since I am outspoken and a realist, I do not sugar coat facts to make them easier to hear. The truth is that marketing for Valentines Day promotes the perfect day, the perfect partner, and the perfect gift. Searching for the perfect partner is a waste of time. Perfection does not exist. For myself, I simply know what I do not want in a partner. The rest is optional because life is so much more fun that way. Eventually I hope to find, not the perfect man, but the perfect man for me. Since marriage is as much about partnership as romance, it takes more than chemistry and roses to make a relationship work. Today, people have the option of obtaining both an orgasm and a paycheck without getting married so romance and money should not be the sole catalyst for a life commitment. I realize that this makes me sound cynical but I only need to talk to someone who is desperate for a partner or look at one Valentines Day commercial to realize that this is exactly what some people use as a foundation for a relationship.
"Those who are shocked should be shocked more often. "
Mae West
A friend of mine is a beautiful, strong, smart and, successful woman. When she met her husband he tried courting her with flowers, expensive dinners, a puppy, and beautiful cards but he could not win her. One morning she was home with the flu and answered her door in her bathrobe, no make up, red rimmed eyes, and looking her absolute worst. There he stood with cans of soup, crackers, tea, a hot water bottle, a video, and Tylenol. She tried to send him away but instead he pushed past her to make her soup and stayed to give her foot rubs while he watched movies with her. The next day, he came back to do it again and again every day until she was feeling better. She told me later, "This is the man I can go through life with." They have been together for more than 10 happy years. Today, he jokingly says that if he realized soup was what it took to convince her he would have purchased a whole case!
"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
Oprah Winfrey
My friend who cried about her single status on Valentines Day has a passion for horses. She decided that this Valentines Day she will spend time at her friends ranch in the company of people she loves doing what she is passionate about. This holiday, and every day, should be about happiness with or without a partner. We should be celebrating with people we love and doing things that make us smile. Valentines Day is always marketed as a day of romantic love, but love comes in many forms. Love is not defined by a hearts and flowers holiday. Celebrating a relationship should not peak one day a year. Instead, we should all be sharing these Valentines Day moments over and over again throughout our lives. My focus is always on the parts of my life that bring me joy while I keep my eyes open for possibilities. As a result, I will enjoy Valentines Day whether I have that special someone to share it with me or not.
" You only live once but, if you do it right, once is enough."
Mae West
