My sister and I continue to wade through the memories of our childhood as we try to determine what we should keep, what we should sell, and what needs to be donated. It is an emotionally difficult process. Each time we come across some innocuous item that holds a precious memory, our hearts break all over again leaving us to try and regain composure so we can focus on the task at hand.
Some of the things that I found in my mother's house just leave me speechless. For example, we found at least fifteen space heaters that are still in their original boxes and 10 new crock pots that sat gathering dust.. We found several dutch ovens, still in boxes, as well as boxes of dishes, and boxes upon boxes of sewing material.
Then there are the other things. The things that bring back memories. On our last trip to her house, my sister took a new dutch oven home while the other five were tagged for a garage sale. This evening I received a call and my sister was crying. "Remember that Dutch Oven I brought back?" I acknowledged that I did remember it. "Well," she said, "I opened the box and it was full of dad's old fishing stuff. I saw it and just started to cry. This is so hard!"
The memories in that house are everywhere and each of us have had a moment or two where the emotions are so strong that we can't hold back tears. I am not usually an emotional person so I thought I was prepared for this until I went into the bedroom at the top of the stairs. It is a large room with lots of windows and a beautiful view of the mountains in the distance. When I was young, I would go into that room and sit in front of the windows to watch the sun go down, read a book, write, or sketch. When I was seeking solace from hurt feelings or a broken heart I could be found in front of that window. It was also where I would wait for my dates to arrive since the view allowed me to see their cars drive up the street to my house. The room was my mother's room but when she was teaching or at a some meeting or another I would go to my spot in front of the window. This room had the essence of my mother, which I found comforting, combined with the wonderful view and I would always find solace there. Recently I walked into that room for the first time in many years and my eyes gravitated to the same view I had always sought. Without conscious thought, I automatically looked around for my favorite chair and I felt my stomach tighten when I realized that the view is the same but too much time had passed since I had come to see it. The chair was no longer there. In that moment, I experienced a sense of loss that was so strong it was almost too overwhelming to bear. I realized that I had taken my favorite corner for granted because I just assumed it would always be there. The sadness of knowing that this was the last time I would ever experience that view cannot be put into words. Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to be alone so I could sit in front of that window to watch a sunset just one more time as my mother played the piano in the family room below. The realization that those moments are gone forever was like a physical pain.
When my dad passed away, it was sudden. There was no opportunity for goodbye and I was just devastated. So I am grateful for the opportunity to become re-acquainted with my mother and to develop a good relationship with her again. Yet, today my mother is often only a shadow of the woman I have always known because we are forced to watch helplessly as she continues to fade while the Alzheimer's does it's damage. Once again, my heart is broken and I am devastated. I sometimes wonder what is worse, to lose someone suddenly or to watch them slowly fade a little more each day as we are left to sift through the precious memories of the past. It is so sad when I realize that is the last glimpse I may ever have of my childhood as the imprint of my parents lives are inventoried and categorized into keep, donate, and sell piles.
Loss is inevitable, yet we humans continue to take so much for granted. I have lived on my own for far too long to be homesick, yet here I am ...missing home. I miss my favorite window and I miss my father. As imperfect as my relationship with my mother was, I miss my mom as she used to be. I miss my old dog, my old cat, my old room, the tree in the backyard with the table that sat under it and the many conversations I had with my dad at that table. I miss the sound of my mother playing the piano, the small town camaraderie, and the smell of my mother's lilac bush during the warmer months. I miss the summer nights when my friends and I would sit on the front steps at my house to talk and stargaze long into the night knowing that my parents were only a shout away.
Each memory is a treasure and, as difficult as this is, I feel blessed. This has been an opportunity to see the remnants of my youth one last time.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
New Year Resolution.
As I settle into the new year after this extremely busy holiday season I realized that we are in the middle of January and I have not made, nor have I considered, what my goals will be for the upcoming year. So, I sat pondering the possibilities and came up with.........nothing.
Why it is that we humans are so enthusiastic about planning our own fate? Usually we have the same end result as the Mayan Calendar prediction as we find ourselves caught up in just another ordinary day because things didn't turn out the way we predicted. Exactly what is the point of establishing a New Year resolution anyway?. Is it just tradition or the fact that having a goal to work towards offers a sense of purpose? After giving it some thought, I decided that it is both. I also decided that I have too much time on my hands if I have time to sit pondering these nonsensical thoughts. I need to start getting out more.
Finally, I decided to make resolutions that are realistic, attainable, and simple. It is time to get back into exercising. In reality, my body will never be it's 20 year old self again so I resolved to just be more active and start enjoying the outdoor activities that I sacrificed when family obligations intervened. Walking my dogs more often, kayaking, or doing things I enjoy will get me back in shape. The ability to stick to my resolutions means setting goals that are both simple, fun, and are things to look forward to doing. After all, if it isn't fun...why do it?
My resolutions are to make more time for family and friends, to start participating in activities that I enjoy, to save more money for a trip, and to learn a new skill. Easy... Simple.... Attainable.
Recently, while cleaning out my mother's house, I came across a rock tumbler and a box of pretty rocks. I recalled that my mother had became interested in rocks and jewelry making some years ago. She joined the Gem and Mineral Society and I assumed that these items must have been part of her hobby. I took the tumbler and the box of rocks home with me and let my granddaughter help me look through them. She said, "Nana, can you save this one for me from your collection?" I looked at the rock she was holding and realized that this rock tumbler could address several of my resolutions. It is a project I can enjoy with my granddaughter, the rocks can be collected on nature walks, and it is a new skill that could actually be a lot of fun. There is the added benefit that these activities are not expensive plus my mother enjoys knowing that her hobby is being shared by future generations.
So for those of you with a resolution to spend more time at the gym to run on the treadmill after a long day at the office, you will find me hiking the hills, enjoying a bike ride, or paddling a kayak amongst beautiful scenery with friends as I collect rocks to bring home and polish with my sweet granddaughter.
It is already a very Happy New Year!
Why it is that we humans are so enthusiastic about planning our own fate? Usually we have the same end result as the Mayan Calendar prediction as we find ourselves caught up in just another ordinary day because things didn't turn out the way we predicted. Exactly what is the point of establishing a New Year resolution anyway?. Is it just tradition or the fact that having a goal to work towards offers a sense of purpose? After giving it some thought, I decided that it is both. I also decided that I have too much time on my hands if I have time to sit pondering these nonsensical thoughts. I need to start getting out more.
Finally, I decided to make resolutions that are realistic, attainable, and simple. It is time to get back into exercising. In reality, my body will never be it's 20 year old self again so I resolved to just be more active and start enjoying the outdoor activities that I sacrificed when family obligations intervened. Walking my dogs more often, kayaking, or doing things I enjoy will get me back in shape. The ability to stick to my resolutions means setting goals that are both simple, fun, and are things to look forward to doing. After all, if it isn't fun...why do it?
My resolutions are to make more time for family and friends, to start participating in activities that I enjoy, to save more money for a trip, and to learn a new skill. Easy... Simple.... Attainable.
Recently, while cleaning out my mother's house, I came across a rock tumbler and a box of pretty rocks. I recalled that my mother had became interested in rocks and jewelry making some years ago. She joined the Gem and Mineral Society and I assumed that these items must have been part of her hobby. I took the tumbler and the box of rocks home with me and let my granddaughter help me look through them. She said, "Nana, can you save this one for me from your collection?" I looked at the rock she was holding and realized that this rock tumbler could address several of my resolutions. It is a project I can enjoy with my granddaughter, the rocks can be collected on nature walks, and it is a new skill that could actually be a lot of fun. There is the added benefit that these activities are not expensive plus my mother enjoys knowing that her hobby is being shared by future generations.
So for those of you with a resolution to spend more time at the gym to run on the treadmill after a long day at the office, you will find me hiking the hills, enjoying a bike ride, or paddling a kayak amongst beautiful scenery with friends as I collect rocks to bring home and polish with my sweet granddaughter.
It is already a very Happy New Year!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
The Single Handicap
I have been divorced for more than ten years now and it seems that my single status bothers many other people more than it does me. The advantage of being single is that I can go where I want when I want. I am not accountable to anyone except my two dogs if I sleep in or have the girls over for a get together. I like this. However, the largest disadvantage to being single are the well meaning people who have a misconceived notion that being single is some type of a handicap.
One example is a gathering of some type where I hear comments like "Oh, did you come alone? I am so sorry." I often want to say 'Sorry for what?' Then there are those who are all too ready to help me meet my mate. Sometimes these attempts at matchmaking are infuriating but most of them are situations that annoy me at the time but later I find myself laughing at them.
Recently my brother in law was helping us clear out my mother's house. He kept telling me about someone he found who could help us with the manual labor part of the job. On arriving at the house, my brother in law and this man were outside moving large items into a dumpster. At lunch my brother in law told me this person is single, divorced twice, and seems to be a good guy. I began to focus on my food as I quietly listened to his diatribe because it wasn't clear if he was making a point about the fact that the man is an eligible bachelor or if it was that had a good feeling about his integrity. .
The following day I offered to buy lunch for everyone and invited my brother in law's new friend to join us. At the table, this person began talking about a recent storm in the area. He said, "The wind was so strong that I felt it rocking my old Astro Van. Then I saw headlights, so I peered out of the window curtains and saw my pastor coming out to check on me because the wind was so strong that he was concerned. I told him that I was doing fine and I was grateful that I didn't have to be out in that storm."
I could not help but ask "You drive a 1975 Chevy truck and an Astro Van with curtains on the windows. How did your pastor know where to find you?"
He replies suddenly, "No! I drive the truck but I live in the van. I am building a house with no electric or plumbing because I want to live a minimalist lifestyle."
"Interesting. So, do you live off of the land or do you have a job?" I asked.
"No, I work. I do sales at swap meets to generate income." He said
I told him that he lived an interesting life and looked across the table at my brother in law who sat in an uncomfortable silence while looking down at his plate....completely focused on his food. The look on his face made me hold back a laugh as I said "Well, I sort of live a minimalist lifestyle too but I also like my electric coffee maker and indoor plumbing that provides me with hot showers in the morning."
I wish people would stop acting like being single is a handicap. Marriage isn't always the best option either. For those of you who think a person without a mate is like not having a limb I want to point out that marriage can go one of two ways. The spouse can either be a halo that lights up your life or they can be a cancer you can't get rid of. As for myself, I am in a good place with a house, a job, family, friends, an electric coffee maker, and indoor plumbing so stop trying to improve my life for me. I am doing just fine.
One example is a gathering of some type where I hear comments like "Oh, did you come alone? I am so sorry." I often want to say 'Sorry for what?' Then there are those who are all too ready to help me meet my mate. Sometimes these attempts at matchmaking are infuriating but most of them are situations that annoy me at the time but later I find myself laughing at them.
Recently my brother in law was helping us clear out my mother's house. He kept telling me about someone he found who could help us with the manual labor part of the job. On arriving at the house, my brother in law and this man were outside moving large items into a dumpster. At lunch my brother in law told me this person is single, divorced twice, and seems to be a good guy. I began to focus on my food as I quietly listened to his diatribe because it wasn't clear if he was making a point about the fact that the man is an eligible bachelor or if it was that had a good feeling about his integrity. .
The following day I offered to buy lunch for everyone and invited my brother in law's new friend to join us. At the table, this person began talking about a recent storm in the area. He said, "The wind was so strong that I felt it rocking my old Astro Van. Then I saw headlights, so I peered out of the window curtains and saw my pastor coming out to check on me because the wind was so strong that he was concerned. I told him that I was doing fine and I was grateful that I didn't have to be out in that storm."
I could not help but ask "You drive a 1975 Chevy truck and an Astro Van with curtains on the windows. How did your pastor know where to find you?"
He replies suddenly, "No! I drive the truck but I live in the van. I am building a house with no electric or plumbing because I want to live a minimalist lifestyle."
"Interesting. So, do you live off of the land or do you have a job?" I asked.
"No, I work. I do sales at swap meets to generate income." He said
I told him that he lived an interesting life and looked across the table at my brother in law who sat in an uncomfortable silence while looking down at his plate....completely focused on his food. The look on his face made me hold back a laugh as I said "Well, I sort of live a minimalist lifestyle too but I also like my electric coffee maker and indoor plumbing that provides me with hot showers in the morning."
I wish people would stop acting like being single is a handicap. Marriage isn't always the best option either. For those of you who think a person without a mate is like not having a limb I want to point out that marriage can go one of two ways. The spouse can either be a halo that lights up your life or they can be a cancer you can't get rid of. As for myself, I am in a good place with a house, a job, family, friends, an electric coffee maker, and indoor plumbing so stop trying to improve my life for me. I am doing just fine.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Stuff
Now that my mother is settling into her assisted living facility, my sister and I have started the daunting task of going through her home. Over the years my mother had become a hoarder so we have not been looking forward to this task ....and the task is even worse than we feared it would be.
On the first day, with five of us working together, we still were not able to clear out one room. I suggested that we focus on the things that we don't want to lose, such as pictures and heirlooms, and as we hunt for these items we can pile everything else into keep, donate, and sell piles. This seemed to be the best strategy and at the end of the first day we had not made significant progress, but we did make progress. What was most important was that we were able to clear a path and at the end of the second day we found old photos and some of the heirlooms that have been in my family for years. However, we also realized that it will be weeks before we are finished.
I was quickly reminded of the small town camaraderie that one doesn't find in a large city. Each of the neighbors brought us coffee and asked after my mom. Then we ate lunch at my favorite restaurant which is a small family owned place that doesn't even bring you a check. At the end of the meal you go to the cashier and point out your table so she can ring you up. This restaurant does things the same today as they did thirty years ago right down to the washroom with the cloth towel that loops around so you can dry your hands on the clean part. The food is awesome and while we were at the register pointing out our table, a conversation developed when my brother in law was approached by a lady who said, "We heard you were coming." She then proceeded to ask what we needed. That very afternoon we had a parade of people stopping by who purchase antique furniture, cars, and the houses. I spent a lot of time taking telephone numbers and meeting people. This did slow our progress, but I was grateful for each person who stopped by because once we are finished doing our inventory it will make the rest so much easier.
As my sister and I found yet another box of Christmas ornaments that my mother had ordered by mail and never opened, she asked me "This is her life but to us it is just stuff. Is this what our lives will be at the end? Just Stuff?" I thought a minute and then said "The reality is that everything is just stuff anyway. It is only valuable if it has meaning to a person. For myself, anything that doesn't have sentiment is just stuff irregardless of the monetary value. " At this point she picks up a nutcracker and got misty eyed. She turned to me and said "Remember these?" I felt close to tears and just nodded. We laughed as we recalled that each Christmas dad would buy a large bag of nuts and then sit at the table cracking them and my mother would fuss because the shells were being scattered everywhere. Dad's nuts and the small argument that ensued was almost a family ritual at Holiday time.
I am not fond of expensive china or crystal so I have never purchased any. However, I did take a few items that have sentimental value to keep at my home. As I looked at the items I wondered where I was going to put them and, if I am to be honest, if would ever actually use them. However, the memories are too strong so we just couldn't dispose of them outside of the family and taking them to my mother's facility is not an option. I am glad that I brought them back with me because to some people these items would simply be 'stuff' but to us they are pricesless.
On the first day, with five of us working together, we still were not able to clear out one room. I suggested that we focus on the things that we don't want to lose, such as pictures and heirlooms, and as we hunt for these items we can pile everything else into keep, donate, and sell piles. This seemed to be the best strategy and at the end of the first day we had not made significant progress, but we did make progress. What was most important was that we were able to clear a path and at the end of the second day we found old photos and some of the heirlooms that have been in my family for years. However, we also realized that it will be weeks before we are finished.
I was quickly reminded of the small town camaraderie that one doesn't find in a large city. Each of the neighbors brought us coffee and asked after my mom. Then we ate lunch at my favorite restaurant which is a small family owned place that doesn't even bring you a check. At the end of the meal you go to the cashier and point out your table so she can ring you up. This restaurant does things the same today as they did thirty years ago right down to the washroom with the cloth towel that loops around so you can dry your hands on the clean part. The food is awesome and while we were at the register pointing out our table, a conversation developed when my brother in law was approached by a lady who said, "We heard you were coming." She then proceeded to ask what we needed. That very afternoon we had a parade of people stopping by who purchase antique furniture, cars, and the houses. I spent a lot of time taking telephone numbers and meeting people. This did slow our progress, but I was grateful for each person who stopped by because once we are finished doing our inventory it will make the rest so much easier.
As my sister and I found yet another box of Christmas ornaments that my mother had ordered by mail and never opened, she asked me "This is her life but to us it is just stuff. Is this what our lives will be at the end? Just Stuff?" I thought a minute and then said "The reality is that everything is just stuff anyway. It is only valuable if it has meaning to a person. For myself, anything that doesn't have sentiment is just stuff irregardless of the monetary value. " At this point she picks up a nutcracker and got misty eyed. She turned to me and said "Remember these?" I felt close to tears and just nodded. We laughed as we recalled that each Christmas dad would buy a large bag of nuts and then sit at the table cracking them and my mother would fuss because the shells were being scattered everywhere. Dad's nuts and the small argument that ensued was almost a family ritual at Holiday time.
I am not fond of expensive china or crystal so I have never purchased any. However, I did take a few items that have sentimental value to keep at my home. As I looked at the items I wondered where I was going to put them and, if I am to be honest, if would ever actually use them. However, the memories are too strong so we just couldn't dispose of them outside of the family and taking them to my mother's facility is not an option. I am glad that I brought them back with me because to some people these items would simply be 'stuff' but to us they are pricesless.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Christmas Spirit
Christmas has always been a busy time for me but never as busy as this year has been. This year I didn't even have time to put up a tree and, after talking to a few other friends, apparently I wasn't the only one who didn't have time to decorate. A couple of relatives were a little perplexed because I didn't decorate much this year and they had no reservations in voicing their opinions on the subject. I just told them that I don't need decorations to feel the spirit of Christmas in my heart. In fact, if the Christmas spirit is dependent on a Christmas tree I would have experienced that warm Christmas feeling at Halloween when I was at the mall walking past holiday decorations and listening to the Christmas Carols which were being piped in on the speaker system.
In some countries Christmas is simply another excuse to celebrate. It doesn't matter if you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, the season is about faith and love, not tinsel and decorations. When we make the Christmas spirit contingent on putting up a Christmas tree it minimizes what this season is all about. In my home, the tree is for invoking memories and watching a child's eyes light up but the tree is not about Christmas. This year I am not hosting Christmas and I was short on time, therefore, I didn't feel it was necessary to invest too much time in decorating. However, I do miss seeing the multitude of home made ornaments that I have treasured for years hanging on the tree and illuminated by the tree lights.
I feel the Christmas spirit when sharing time with my friends and family. My weekend was spent making cookies with my granddaughter, time with family, shopping with a friend, and on Christmas morning my daughter spent 40 hours travelling so she could surprise me on Christmas morning. After lots of hugs and tears we watched two excited children enjoy their gifts then we spent time together preparing a brunch. This is what Christmas is truly about. I had the best Christmas ever and no tree was necessary to achieve this.
In some countries Christmas is simply another excuse to celebrate. It doesn't matter if you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, the season is about faith and love, not tinsel and decorations. When we make the Christmas spirit contingent on putting up a Christmas tree it minimizes what this season is all about. In my home, the tree is for invoking memories and watching a child's eyes light up but the tree is not about Christmas. This year I am not hosting Christmas and I was short on time, therefore, I didn't feel it was necessary to invest too much time in decorating. However, I do miss seeing the multitude of home made ornaments that I have treasured for years hanging on the tree and illuminated by the tree lights.
I feel the Christmas spirit when sharing time with my friends and family. My weekend was spent making cookies with my granddaughter, time with family, shopping with a friend, and on Christmas morning my daughter spent 40 hours travelling so she could surprise me on Christmas morning. After lots of hugs and tears we watched two excited children enjoy their gifts then we spent time together preparing a brunch. This is what Christmas is truly about. I had the best Christmas ever and no tree was necessary to achieve this.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
The Transition.
My mother is now set up in an assisted living home and I will selfishly admit that, although I still have responsibilities, I am glad my life is once again my own. The woman I picked up and brought to my home six months ago had a completely different attitude than the woman who went into the assisted living last week. I can only describe her initial behavior as confrontational and this, combined with the personality traits that created the conflict between us in the first place, made things more difficult than they needed to be.
My house became a place with too much conflict but I still have moments of guilt and regret. The media portrays images of adult children who care for elderly parents with total devotion while the parent is adoringly cooperative and this illusion sometimes makes me feel that I should have done more. Then again, it could be that I just wish things could be different between us. For some families the situation may be exactly as the media images are portrayed but this was not my experience. In conversations with several friends who are also caring for elderly parents I am told that this is not their experience either. The parents are resentful because their independence has been taken away while the caregivers are tired and overwhelmed. When I brought mom into my home one friend told me "Cheryl, this is going to age you." She was right. I feel so much older than my years right now.
In the beginning, mom insisted that I allow her to go home and give her back her car several times a day. Eventually, mom agreed to stay and let a nurse to help out but a nurse is not cost effective and she needed far more care than I can give her. When mom tried to boil water then forgot to turn off the stove she almost burned my house down. This happened several times but I also worried that if something happened while I was at work it would be hours before she would receive help. There were days when my mother is the woman I have always known but there were the other days when she would walk aimlessly through the house because she couldn't find the bathroom. The need to relocate her was not optional.
When mom's health was an issue I did do whatever it took, but as her health improved I was not as willing to cater to her demanding spirit. In an attempt to help her understand that she needs to be more independent, I began to give her small chores such as putting away silverware from the dishwasher. One evening she was angry because I came home from work a little later than normal. After dinner she pushed her empty plate toward me as she turned her back while waving her hand for me to remove it. I told her that she needed to clear her own place because I am not a maid. After glaring at me for several minutes she got up and carried her plate to the sink. She then surprised me as she began to help clear the table. This was a turning point for us and after that she would ask for things the she could help with on a regular basis.
It was also necessary to completely re-shuffle my time just to get things done. She was lonely so she became upset if I went anywhere without her. I work long hours and each evening she would interrogate me about my schedule. If I had errands or shopping to do she insisted on joining me. However, when I would pull into the parking lot she would announce that she was not getting out of the car. Then she would tell me to park in a better spot..... with more shade...... and tell me to make it quick because she is waiting outside. I learned that it was best to sneak out early in the morning before she got up. This was inconvenient, but it helped save my sanity. She would become upset if I cleaned house because she felt I should be "keeping her company." I would reply by giving her a chore, such as folding towels. To be honest, it was like having a child in my home and but I couldn't send her to her room or take away privileges. Some of this is normal for someone who has Alzheimer's but understanding it does not make it any easier to deal with.
I was dreading the day that we would transition her to a new home. A few weeks before the move a friend of ours, who was living with his daughter, fell while the daughter was at work. He lay in the same place for over eight hours until his daughter came home and found him. It was this situation that helped convince my mom to make the transition with more cooperation than I ever expected to receive. I visit her twice a week and each time she is happy and adapting better than I ever thought possible.
One evening mom was watching the interaction with my family and said, "I have regrets that I didn't spend more time with my family." That simple statement helped me let go of the negative feelings toward her but it also brought on a sense of regret for all of the wasted years. When mom was staying with me I had two mothers. One mother was demanding but the other was childlike and kind. I think that this entire experience helped me to see my mother differently.
I realized that this transition, as challenging as it has been, has been a blessing. Over the years my mother and I never just talked. We were not friends and I really don't know her very well. However, during her time with me I listened to her talk about her life and, as she shared her memories, I was able to know more about her. There are positive things that emerged from this. I was forced to face my demons and, in the process, I was able to let go of most of the angst I had held inside for many years. This also provided me with an opportunity that many people never have. I was able to become acquainted with a mother who I have never really known.
My house became a place with too much conflict but I still have moments of guilt and regret. The media portrays images of adult children who care for elderly parents with total devotion while the parent is adoringly cooperative and this illusion sometimes makes me feel that I should have done more. Then again, it could be that I just wish things could be different between us. For some families the situation may be exactly as the media images are portrayed but this was not my experience. In conversations with several friends who are also caring for elderly parents I am told that this is not their experience either. The parents are resentful because their independence has been taken away while the caregivers are tired and overwhelmed. When I brought mom into my home one friend told me "Cheryl, this is going to age you." She was right. I feel so much older than my years right now.
In the beginning, mom insisted that I allow her to go home and give her back her car several times a day. Eventually, mom agreed to stay and let a nurse to help out but a nurse is not cost effective and she needed far more care than I can give her. When mom tried to boil water then forgot to turn off the stove she almost burned my house down. This happened several times but I also worried that if something happened while I was at work it would be hours before she would receive help. There were days when my mother is the woman I have always known but there were the other days when she would walk aimlessly through the house because she couldn't find the bathroom. The need to relocate her was not optional.
When mom's health was an issue I did do whatever it took, but as her health improved I was not as willing to cater to her demanding spirit. In an attempt to help her understand that she needs to be more independent, I began to give her small chores such as putting away silverware from the dishwasher. One evening she was angry because I came home from work a little later than normal. After dinner she pushed her empty plate toward me as she turned her back while waving her hand for me to remove it. I told her that she needed to clear her own place because I am not a maid. After glaring at me for several minutes she got up and carried her plate to the sink. She then surprised me as she began to help clear the table. This was a turning point for us and after that she would ask for things the she could help with on a regular basis.
It was also necessary to completely re-shuffle my time just to get things done. She was lonely so she became upset if I went anywhere without her. I work long hours and each evening she would interrogate me about my schedule. If I had errands or shopping to do she insisted on joining me. However, when I would pull into the parking lot she would announce that she was not getting out of the car. Then she would tell me to park in a better spot..... with more shade...... and tell me to make it quick because she is waiting outside. I learned that it was best to sneak out early in the morning before she got up. This was inconvenient, but it helped save my sanity. She would become upset if I cleaned house because she felt I should be "keeping her company." I would reply by giving her a chore, such as folding towels. To be honest, it was like having a child in my home and but I couldn't send her to her room or take away privileges. Some of this is normal for someone who has Alzheimer's but understanding it does not make it any easier to deal with.
I was dreading the day that we would transition her to a new home. A few weeks before the move a friend of ours, who was living with his daughter, fell while the daughter was at work. He lay in the same place for over eight hours until his daughter came home and found him. It was this situation that helped convince my mom to make the transition with more cooperation than I ever expected to receive. I visit her twice a week and each time she is happy and adapting better than I ever thought possible.
One evening mom was watching the interaction with my family and said, "I have regrets that I didn't spend more time with my family." That simple statement helped me let go of the negative feelings toward her but it also brought on a sense of regret for all of the wasted years. When mom was staying with me I had two mothers. One mother was demanding but the other was childlike and kind. I think that this entire experience helped me to see my mother differently.
I realized that this transition, as challenging as it has been, has been a blessing. Over the years my mother and I never just talked. We were not friends and I really don't know her very well. However, during her time with me I listened to her talk about her life and, as she shared her memories, I was able to know more about her. There are positive things that emerged from this. I was forced to face my demons and, in the process, I was able to let go of most of the angst I had held inside for many years. This also provided me with an opportunity that many people never have. I was able to become acquainted with a mother who I have never really known.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
I Am A Holiday Slacker
I am a holiday slacker. Although I am impressed with the amount of time and creativity that some people invest in making their Christmas picture perfect, these holiday over achievers make some of us feel totally inadequate. I can't help but wonder how some people find the time for the nightly ritual of cookie baking and creating home made ornaments as they wrap presents with wrapping paper that has been hand stenciled and it is all done inside a home adorned with so many Christmas lights it can be seen from outer space.
Yet, at my house, I struggle to find time to put up a Christmas tree and I often feel totally inadequate as I watch my neighbors spend hours hanging outdoor light displays. Although I do try to make time to do that little extra for the home, there are times when I feel like creating that "Better Homes and Gardens" look is a never ending battle.. I thought that it would be easier once the children left home but, even as an empty nester, my house has rarely been empty. Children move back in for a few months as they transition , family comes and goes, and friends who are transitioning are always welcomed here so I am rarely alone. What this translates into is that the "Better Homes and Gardens" look is always a work in progress and it is never quite complete.
As Christmas approaches I am busy with the normal Christmas hustle plus this year I am struggling with elderly parent issues. Combine this with a stream of visits from out of town guests, (not to mention my regular obligations) and I am lucky to find time to sleep.... let alone decorate. The dining chairs I began to recover a few months ago are still work in progress but I did complete one chair. Only seven more to go. I purchased a new bar-b-que and it took two weeks before I found time to put it together. However, thanks to a good friend, we were able to combine a football party with a bar-b-que party and through a combined effort we were able to put it together then used it to make dinner.
The bottom line is that I have more to do than I have time to accomplish the tasks. Cookies need to be baked, my Christmas decorations are not up, I still have shopping to complete, I need to find time to have my carpets cleaned, tend to my mother's appointments, get clothes for upcoming events, and I need to manage this while working long hours. It is only a couple of weeks until Christmas, yet I can't seem to find time to prepare and my holiday spirit had not made an appearance. I kept praying for guidance while fully expecting God to divinely help me discover a schedule where I could accomplish everything in a timely fashion but, once again, God has his own agenda.
One of the things I do all year is volunteer to help others. I feel that it is important to help give back so I make this a priority.This week I was part of a group from my office who served breakfast to the homeless. As we walked through the dining room and talked to people there I heard stories that broke my heart. One woman was in her 70's and alone. She asked for an extra bread so I found a way to give her some and the gratitude that she exuded from such a simple gesture brought tears to my eyes. Suddenly, my decorations didn't seem all that important and my worries about finding time to bake cookies disappeared.
My friends and I were part of a group who sing Christmas Carols in the children's ward of a hospital. This week, as we walked through the halls a tearful young mother asked us to sing to her child who is in a coma because her baby loves music. We couldn't go into the room so the nurses took us to an atrium that is open to the floors above. This atrium had wonderful acoustics, a lovely Christmas tree, and a grand piano off to the side. One of the young men with us began to play the piano as we sang. We could see the young mother waving to us from above as several young people in wheelchairs were brought out to listen. I could see one young lady close her eyes and silently sing along.
My friend hosted a Christmas get together and her home was beautiful, the decorations were perfect, and the food was amazing. As we sat at the table talking, she told us a stories of previous Christmas holidays shared with her late husband. It was at this moment that I began to hear the answer to my prayer and realized how misguided my expectations have been.
While my focus was on the decorations, the baking, and the superficial part of the holiday season I lost sight of what is truly important. In that moment, God showed me that my friend would gladly put up with a little more clutter and a little less time for holiday decorations if she could spend one more Christmas with her husband. The young mother at the hospital would be happy with a home that is not picture perfect if only she could have her baby healthy and home for Christmas. I felt a sense of shame as I realized that all I need to worry about is decorating my home yet I should be grateful to have shelter while so many have so little that even an extra piece of bread from a stranger brings great joy.
The desire to compete with the holiday over achievers has disappeared and when I adjusted my expectations for the season I began to feel a sense of freedom followed by surge of Christmas spirit. I will put up decorations but I am no longer worried if I have enough lights on my house to compete with my neighbor. My focus is now exactly where it should have been all along.... making memories with the special people in my life.
Yet, at my house, I struggle to find time to put up a Christmas tree and I often feel totally inadequate as I watch my neighbors spend hours hanging outdoor light displays. Although I do try to make time to do that little extra for the home, there are times when I feel like creating that "Better Homes and Gardens" look is a never ending battle.. I thought that it would be easier once the children left home but, even as an empty nester, my house has rarely been empty. Children move back in for a few months as they transition , family comes and goes, and friends who are transitioning are always welcomed here so I am rarely alone. What this translates into is that the "Better Homes and Gardens" look is always a work in progress and it is never quite complete.
As Christmas approaches I am busy with the normal Christmas hustle plus this year I am struggling with elderly parent issues. Combine this with a stream of visits from out of town guests, (not to mention my regular obligations) and I am lucky to find time to sleep.... let alone decorate. The dining chairs I began to recover a few months ago are still work in progress but I did complete one chair. Only seven more to go. I purchased a new bar-b-que and it took two weeks before I found time to put it together. However, thanks to a good friend, we were able to combine a football party with a bar-b-que party and through a combined effort we were able to put it together then used it to make dinner.
The bottom line is that I have more to do than I have time to accomplish the tasks. Cookies need to be baked, my Christmas decorations are not up, I still have shopping to complete, I need to find time to have my carpets cleaned, tend to my mother's appointments, get clothes for upcoming events, and I need to manage this while working long hours. It is only a couple of weeks until Christmas, yet I can't seem to find time to prepare and my holiday spirit had not made an appearance. I kept praying for guidance while fully expecting God to divinely help me discover a schedule where I could accomplish everything in a timely fashion but, once again, God has his own agenda.
One of the things I do all year is volunteer to help others. I feel that it is important to help give back so I make this a priority.This week I was part of a group from my office who served breakfast to the homeless. As we walked through the dining room and talked to people there I heard stories that broke my heart. One woman was in her 70's and alone. She asked for an extra bread so I found a way to give her some and the gratitude that she exuded from such a simple gesture brought tears to my eyes. Suddenly, my decorations didn't seem all that important and my worries about finding time to bake cookies disappeared.
My friends and I were part of a group who sing Christmas Carols in the children's ward of a hospital. This week, as we walked through the halls a tearful young mother asked us to sing to her child who is in a coma because her baby loves music. We couldn't go into the room so the nurses took us to an atrium that is open to the floors above. This atrium had wonderful acoustics, a lovely Christmas tree, and a grand piano off to the side. One of the young men with us began to play the piano as we sang. We could see the young mother waving to us from above as several young people in wheelchairs were brought out to listen. I could see one young lady close her eyes and silently sing along.
My friend hosted a Christmas get together and her home was beautiful, the decorations were perfect, and the food was amazing. As we sat at the table talking, she told us a stories of previous Christmas holidays shared with her late husband. It was at this moment that I began to hear the answer to my prayer and realized how misguided my expectations have been.
While my focus was on the decorations, the baking, and the superficial part of the holiday season I lost sight of what is truly important. In that moment, God showed me that my friend would gladly put up with a little more clutter and a little less time for holiday decorations if she could spend one more Christmas with her husband. The young mother at the hospital would be happy with a home that is not picture perfect if only she could have her baby healthy and home for Christmas. I felt a sense of shame as I realized that all I need to worry about is decorating my home yet I should be grateful to have shelter while so many have so little that even an extra piece of bread from a stranger brings great joy.
The desire to compete with the holiday over achievers has disappeared and when I adjusted my expectations for the season I began to feel a sense of freedom followed by surge of Christmas spirit. I will put up decorations but I am no longer worried if I have enough lights on my house to compete with my neighbor. My focus is now exactly where it should have been all along.... making memories with the special people in my life.
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